How Fair This Place
by Bmv no Miko
Summary: The black mages reluctantly care for an injured girl, and the consequences are more farreaching than they ever expected. Black Mages, Waltzes, and an OC.
1. A Whiter Shade of Pale

How Fair this Place  
  
By Bmv_no_Miko  
  
Chapter One: A Whiter Shade of Pale  
  
Is it always so hot?  
  
Mr. 56 shifted the leather pack on his back, careful not to worry the hole in the left corner. The cracked and sagging bag had already ripped twice, and a fine mess it would be trying to carry all of the Conde Petie stuff back full of sand if it ripped again.  
  
"If only I wouldn't keep forgetting the mending kit when I..." but he abruptly stopped talking to himself as the wind blew sand in his mouth. He coughed some and spat what he could out, frowning over his absent mindedness. Now the grit would be in his teeth the whole way back, and wouldn't that teach him to keep his mouth firmly shut? He hoisted the heavy pack again, trying to let some air get to his sweaty back and cool him down. It was never really pleasant making the trading trip, but he'd needed to go, needed to get out of the village, out of the cemetary, away from waiting for Mr. 36 to somehow come out of the ground. I still don't think he can breathe under there, no matter what 192 says. He shut his eyes with a shudder. I won't think about this. I'm out here to not think about this.  
  
And yet it was no use. 56 and 36 had once made the same trip, only that time they were much less certain that they'd ever get anywhere. In some big city he'd awoke, and there was a body without a head in front of him. After wavering there for a moment, it had fallen, limp and mangled. In terror and confusion he'd fled. The jagged buildings and bodies all looked the same to him then, and everything radiated danger. There was such a cacaphony of noises and sick burnt smells of flesh and blood and worse sights...When a man with a kitchen knife struck at him, he was so afraid that he forgot that he could defend himself with magic. The result was the thick, half-healed scar across his left shoulder that the pack was irritating so. And then he met 36 several days later, hiding in a cave with deep wounds in his hip where a pitchfork had caught him. 36 had been running for longer, knew a little more, and had several potions that he happily shared, glad not to be alone in his pain.  
  
Together they had stowed away on a boat, more to get away from where they were than to get to any particular destination. For days they had hidden in the storage hold. The lack of food, fear of discovery, choppy sea, and excessive vanish spells wore them into sickness and exhaustion. When the boat had finally docked, they'd fled again, narrowly missing being caught. Without water they began walking, plodding, stumbling. All they knew was that they needed to go further north, that something was calling them there. And so they'd walked and walked, blistered and burned, parched and hungry, and finally reached the village. It was the most amazing relief he'd ever experienced.  
  
Two days after that, Mr. 36 simply stopped in his bed.  
  
56 shivered and straightened his hat, remembering how he could get no reaction, not even a breath, out of his traveling companion and only friend. They were even sleeping in the same room, just recovering. Why just him, and not me? Will I stop soon too? He'll wake up, right? Mr. 288 had said that it was proper to bury him, that this was the right sort of thing to do when someone stopped. 56 was frantic, worried that it would hurt, worried that Mr. 36 would be scared when he woke up in the ground, that he'd think that maybe the humans had got him. It had taken the soothing words of Mr. 44 and sleepweed to get him calmed down. While he slept, they put Mr. 36 in the ground, where maybe it was cold, and maybe there were bugs...  
  
He was so lost in his thoughts that he nearly ran smack into the trees. Oh, am I here already? Blinking and shaking his head, trying to clear his thoughts, he stepped into the forest...and stopped abruptly.  
  
There was a...something...laying in the path. Magic forgotton, his left hand slowly inched to his side where 36's old knife was tucked. The smooth handle offered him some bravery. Taking shallow breaths, he edged toward the figure. A stick snapped under his foot and he jumped. Disgusted with himself, he made his way closer, his knuckles white from clenching the knife hilt. Standing on his tiptoes, he could just see its head. His stomach dropped into his feet.  
  
It was a human.  
  
Hand splayed over his chest, he tried to still his panicked and drumming heart. It's just laying there...it can't hurt me, right? All I have to do is step over it...like this... He pressed hard against the trees, trying not to touch it as he moved past it. But it was no good. The rotting leaves slipped beneath him, and his shaking knees sent him crashing to the ground beside it.  
  
Gasping, he scrambled away, the backpack hopelessly ripped. Breathing hard, he sat back against a tree and tried to gather his wits. I can't go back without the stuff, not when I asked to go. Everyone will be disappointed...I have to get the things...  
  
He swallowed, then slowly began to crawl about, gathering the paintbrushes, oil flasks, long-burning wicks, and other odds and ends that he'd been sent for. As the human continued to lay still, he grew braver and drew closer. He'd spent so long hiding that he'd never really gotten a good look at one. Wait till I tell Mr. 36 about this! Tensed to flee at any moment, he looked down into its face. Its skin was pale white and all scratched, the expression drawn even in sleep. The tightly curled and matted blonde hair had bits of sticks and leaves in it. A fly quietly landed on the human's cheek, rubbing its legs together. His blood suddenly ran cold. Is it...is it stopped...will it wake up? He trembled, somehow seeing Mr. 36 in the still expression.  
  
But no, its chest was rising and falling. He sat down hard as it gave a moan. The tattered figure stirred, and for the first time he noticed the blood soaking through the blue cloth and staining the ground. His stomach lurched as he remembered that city, those humans coming after him, the stopped ones... It moaned again, and he wanted to run, run hard and just leave the things and bear with the shame. He chewed his lower lip, twisted his hands. If I leave it'll still be here...and it's hurt... Despite the fear, a sharp feeling wrenched his chest. With a tremulous hand, he touched its face. It's so small.. For the first time, he felt his fear dissipating. That's right, it's small, so it can't hurt me, even if it wakes up... A feeling of victory arose. And look, it's fat too...  
  
The decision made, he gathered the things that he'd been sent for and put them on top of the torn backpack.  
  
"I'll come back for you later," he said, then turned to the human. After some maneuvering and several unsettling twinges, he had it in his arms. The limp weight was heavy, and he staggered some as he rose from the ground. His hat had fallen askance, but he had no free hands to fix it. Part of him wanted to hold the human away from his body so that he wouldn't have to feel the wetness of the blood, so that it wouldn't be on him again--but another part remembered that when he was hurt the most was when he wanted to be closest to Mr. 36. With a grunt, he shifted the creature in his arms and began to walk as quickly as he could back to the village. The sooner he could put it down, the better.  
  
123 bounced on the balls of his feet impatiently as he leaned against the haphazard door of the weapon shop. Still no sign of 56, and he'd been gone all day. Too long. Without warning, Mr. 239 opened the door and, black mage balance being what it was, 123 was soon on the floor at his feet.  
  
"How many times must I absolutely beg you to not bounce against the door like that? You're breaking the hinges and running me nuts," 239 said, his hands on his hips in annoyance. His half amused smirk ruined it.  
  
"It's 56--he's still not back. What if...what if...he's s-stopped out there? Shouldn't maybe someone go see...?" 123 whispered as he was pulled back to his feet. An uncomfortable silence ensued, and he stared at the ground as he remembered how 117 had stopped on the trip to Conde Petie. It had looked as though he'd just decided to go to sleep for a moment, for the bolts of cloth that he'd been sent to buy were propped under his head when they found him.  
  
"W-well...more like you're worried because he won't bring back the right color sticks..." 239 tried, and gave a breath of relief when the diversion worked.  
  
"That's right, that too! I don't know what 234 was thinking, bringing back all that pink and purple and orange. Not a single green among them, not one! I'll never finish my picture of the woods," he huffed, anxiously angling his head to see further down the path. "Hey...um, I think I see...is that him?"  
  
"Umm, yeah, I think so..." 234 confirmed for him. For some reason, all of the B type mages in the village had trouble seeing anything too far ahead of them. "Hey...I think he's..."  
  
But the words were lost on 123. Overcome with relief and eager for his art supplies, he ran as best as he could and nearly plowed into Mr. 56.  
  
"Geez, will you be careful!"  
  
"We were getting worried but hey did you get'em, did you get'em like I asked you?"  
  
"Well, yeah..."  
  
"Ooo, where are they? Hurry up, I wanna start before the light changes too much!" 56 couldn't help but be amused by his brother's excitement, and he felt kind of sorry to ruin it.  
  
"Well, you see...I don't have...have them with me..."  
  
"What?! Why not?" 56 shifted his feet some at the disappointment in 123's voice, his arms aching.  
  
"You see, I've got this..."  
  
For the first time, 123 saw the human. With a squawk he jumped backwards, arms windmilling, and landed flat on his bottom.  
  
"Wh-what...why..."  
  
"Oh, it was...I think it's hurt, and I couldn't just leave it there, right?"  
  
"Are you crazy? It'll kill us! It'll...it'll..." Mr. 56 puffed out his chest some.  
  
"Well, I carried it all this way and I think it's kind of cute. I mean, look at it and its little round belly and all. Are you scared of it?" He neglected to mention just how petrified he was, just how close he was to dropping it and having a fit of the...what did 32 call it...? Heebie jeebies.  
  
"Yes, I'm scared of it and if you're not you're crazier than I thought!" If there was ever a pale black mage it was 123. "Remember how 24 thought he'd be nice and take care of that baby owl? Remember how it tore his hands up even though he was trying to help it? It looked pretty harmless and cute too!"  
  
"What seems to be the problem here?" a deeper voice interrupted, punctuated by the jingle of a staff.  
  
"Look at...look!" 123 pointed at 56 from his spot on the ground, certain that 288 would solve this problem. Suddenly feeling a bit small, Mr. 56 hugged the figure closer to him. Gosh...I didn't think everyone would be so mad... But still, he faced Mr. 288 squarely with as much defiance as he could muster.  
  
"I found this on the path in the woods...I...wasn't sure that I should leave it there." To his surprise, Mr. 288 smiled.  
  
"A human girl," he murmured, and reached out a gentle hand to rest on its cheek.  
  
"Umm, are you sure you should touch it?" 123 asked tentatively from the ground.  
  
"What should we do with it?" 239 asked, speaking for the first time. Before, he'd been too surprised to be as vocal as 123. 288 chuckled softly.  
  
"Why are you asking me? I have the same experience with humans as we all do." There was quiet for a moment.  
  
"Oh, no, not in this village!" Mr. 192 had found his way to the commotion. He roughly pushed 239 aside to get a better look. "We aren't keeping that thing...56, you've gotta put it back," he said firmly, his wide eyes betraying his fear.  
  
"P-put it back? Why? It's not doing anything!"  
  
"And it's sick with the fever..." 288 interjected softly.  
  
"Oh, not now it's not hurting anything, but how do you know it won't when it wakes up? 56, there's a reason we put up an illusion in front of the village and you just waltz in here with one?!"  
  
"That's sort of what I thought..." said 123, dusting off his bottom as he tried to regain his dignity.  
  
"Hey, what's that you've got...?" More mages were coming to see what the argument was about, craning their necks to get a better look. Mr. 56 looked at them hopelessly as they gave the bundle in his arms all different sorts of looks--questioning, hard, angry. He suddenly felt a tightness in his chest. Tears sprang to his eyes, but he blinked them back.  
  
"Well it's mine, and you can't have it and I'm not putting it back!" he cried, taking a step backwards.  
  
"Arrah, geez, 56, no one's gonna take it from you. Let me look too." 44 worked his way to the front--not a hard feat since he was both taller and wider than any of the others. With twinkling eyes he smiled, and 56 felt himself breathing easier. Mr. 44 was always so nice...  
  
"Can I touch it?" he asked softly, and 56 nodded. Large hands rested on the girl's chubby belly. "Looks like she eats a lot like me," he said with a grin. She moaned, and he smoothed her hair, his eyes glowing with a kind of empathy that 56 had never seen. "Hush, you're alright. Hey, can I hold her?" 56 nodded uneasily, and gasped with the ache in his arms as he handed her over. Silently, he straightened his hat, worked out the cramps, and waited for 44's reaction. After a long moment of studying her white little face, he turned to the crowd. Nearly every mage in the village was there.  
  
"Well, seems to me there's nothing to be done for it, right? It wakes up and it's mean, we take it to Conde Petie where they know more about humans. It wakes up and it's nice, well...what's the loss? You can't really think to put this person that's hurt back out there? And 56 carried it all this way." Feet shuffled nervously, and it was quiet.  
  
"She can stay in the inn for now, I think...we'll wait till she wakes up and go from there. Is that okay with everyone?" 288 asked the assembled mages. There was quiet talking, but no one spoke up to disagree.  
  
Author's Notes: Hi minna! Thanks for reading part one of my story ^v^! I've never posted any of my fanfics before--just wrote them for my own benefit.... So in a way this is my first fanfic! @_@ Pleez review--feedback and constructive criticism is madly appreciated! 


	2. Solomente Con Te

~....~ denotes thoughts  
  
~Hurts...hurts so much...~  
  
She could not will herself to open her eyes. Her legs burned sharply, her stomach was writhing inside her. The room felt heavy with humidity, but a dull chill ran through her, causing her skin to prickle. It slowly came to her that she was on a bed, a soft one. ~Someone found me..~ She had trouble making herself care who it was. ~I'll pay them later...just wanna sleep...so long as everything's okay...~ Her stomach writhed again, and her heart skipped a beat with fear. A lump rose in her throat as she percieved the wetness of blood between her legs. Blinking back tears, she opened her eyes. ~I need help...~  
  
A black mage sat beside her bed, quietly absorbed in reading a book.  
  
The deed was done before she could even think. Rage and fear boiled within her, and a snarl broke from her throat. Belying her weakness, she sprang, dagger in hand. It had found it's mark twice before the reaction came and she was knocked back to the bed. The creature cried out in pain, its shaking hand clasped over the hilt that portruded from just under its collarbone. She backed against the wall, teeth bared in a rictus of fear and ferocity. She clutched her stomach and pulled her knees in as she cursed herself for doing no worse damage, because she would now certainly die.  
  
She flinched, wild eyed, as the door slammed open and another mage burst in.  
  
"What's wrong?!" it cried.. ~It speaks?~ "Oh...oh God, Mr. 288, are you okay?! W-what should I do, are you hurt that bad?!" It hovered over this "Mr. 288", who was gasping in pain as his silver blood soaked his robe and began pooling on the floor. Angry eyes turned to her and flared bright white. She snarled and faced them, the pitiful show her only defense.  
  
"L-leave her be, 163. I-it's o...okay. Just leave."  
  
"Like hell! You're hurt...I'm not leaving you here with...with a knife in your chest!" he cried, dancing from foot to foot. Mr. 288 gave a fluttering breath.  
  
"It's in my shoulder, Mr. 163. It's...it's okay...I don't think she has anymore weapons. Just go f-for now, and don't tell anyone about this."  
  
"But..."  
  
"Please. Please." His voice was quiet and powerful. 163 shook his head in disbelief, glared at her with apprehension and fear, and quickly left, his knees trembling. Her mouth fell open some, and she shied back as the large type C mage rose from the floor and shakily faced her with...kindness?...in its luminous eyes. They stared at each other for a moment, lost for words.  
  
"S-so..." he fingered the hilt of the knife gently, and she could clearly see that he was in great pain. Yet the expected magical blast, the death, did not come. "I suppose...you've seen our kind before..." he said softly. He reached for his golden staff, and she tensed again to flee--but he only leaned on it, his body sagging some as he took labored breaths to control the fear and pain. Silently, she relaxed, but could not help confusion. The other ones were not like this.  
  
"You're different," she said flatly, her voice rasping from disuse.  
  
"Do you mean from the ones that destroy villages?" She nodded, studying him carefully and easing the arms from around her belly.  
  
"Those are asleep. Controlled, in a trance. I...we were like that...once..." She frowned. He was not lying. She knew this because she was an accomplished liar. There was not a trace of aggression or subterfuge, no pretended demeanor. Her legs ached beneath her, and her stomach twisted violently. With horror she watched as more blood dripped down her legs. ~God no...this is all I have left...!~ She suddenly retched, but there was nothing to come up. Gasping, she hemmed and regained her breath.  
  
"W-what do you want with me..." she finally managed, hating herself for the weakness in her voice and body. "I have nothing for you."  
  
"We want nothing." His voice was very tired, and he groaned as he finally sank into the wooden chair beside the bed. It creaked and whined with his weight. She stared at him, panting for breath as her gut settled vaguely. Not lying. Her hands wandered down to her burned legs, and she noticed for the first time that they had been bandaged. A sudden, unwordable conclusion formed in her mind, and a shame formed in her heart.  
  
Quickly, she sprang forward and snatched her knife out of his body. He gave an astonished, small cry and grasped his shoulder tightly with a large hand. Swallowing, she gazed at the silver liquid on her dagger, at the figure that was rocking and trying to quiet the pain. With a shaking hand she ran fingers over the blood, warm like her own, and tried to shut out his soft sobs. Shivers worked up her back, and she felt the beginnings of shock take her, her body going numb. Her legs screamed beneath her as she stood, but she clenched her teeth and ignored them. His eyes met hers dully for a moment, then broke away.  
  
"Aren't you going to defend yourself?"  
  
"No. I don't understand the death yet, but I think among humans what we did calls for death," he gasped through gritted teeth. With a shudder of disgust she threw her knife on the bed.  
  
"Oh, shut up for the light's sake," she muttered. "Here...get your hands off it, you're gonna infect it." His body tensed, but he obeyed. She frowned at the blood flow, silver and shining and so much of it. She felt at her waist for her medicine bag, and noted for the first time the torn condition of her dress and her exposure. But now was too late to worry about such things.  
  
"H-here...take off your coat and let me do something..."  
  
"What?" She weighed his tone--apprehensive, curious, someone frightened--but willing.  
  
"I...I hurt you..." Her cheeks reddened with shame. "...so let me do what I can to fix it..." He regarded her intently, also weighing.  
  
"Will it hurt? I...I don't know..." he said in a soft voice, a shudder working through his body.The strange wisdom in his eyes combined with the open expression of fear made her feel small and awkward.  
  
"I'll do my best not to hurt you...I'll try hard." Her eyes clouded and she swayed, but willed herself to stay awake. He swallowed, but gave a small nod. With slow movements, she helped him to remove the coat from the side that she'd injured. He winced, but did not try to stop her.  
  
"This w-works on humans, but I...I don't know about you," she said quietly, and pressed the shredded herbs to the gashes, twin puncture marks. He flinched as they stung at his skin, but remained still as she held them firmly in place. "It's to stop the bleeding. You've bled a lot." They waited in silence, the blood flow slowly easing. In an attempt to stay awake, she studied where she had hurt him. Where her knife had ripped and the whole area surrounding that, the skin was black. Making a show of adjusting the medicine, she ran her fingers over the black skin, curious. It was soft like that of a newborn baby, delicate like the petal of a rose. Further from the hurt, he was flesh-colored...like a human. She moaned softly with the effort of standing for so long.  
  
"A-are you okay?" he asked softly. Tears sprang to her eyes.  
  
"Did you...h-help me?"  
  
"I watched over you some, but....it's Mr. 56 you want. He carried you in...and wouldn't...let anyone stand in his way...it's...it's him that usually watches you..." She frowned and leaned against the chair, too weary to ask why there were numbers for names. "You know, you can s-stay if you want...for a while at least..." She wavered where she stood, her vision dimming.  
  
"Hmm...if I fall asleep, I need you to...put my feet up high..."  
  
"What?" She blinked back tears of pure misery and clung to the chair, her hands falling from his wound. Wide yellow eyes, a bit pale, regarded her with surprise.  
  
"An' you too...you...gotta...rest..."  
  
Then his expression and everything faded to black.  
  
Mr. 56 frowned at the human girl that he'd taken from the woods. She slept peacefully now, but for three days she had thrashed and moaned on and off, tearing at the sheets. Sometimes it seemed like she would wake up, but she would murmur all kind of nonsense and then pass again into silence. Sometimes she would cry and scream about fire and people trying to kill her. He faithfully continued to fulfill her bizarre request to keep her feet high--everytime she kicked the pillows away, he'd stack them again. But the continued noise and pain and his inability to do anything for it scared him, and with the misery and fear came tears and the aches in his throat. A whimper escaped him just thinking about it, that it might happen again and he would have to watch again. Mr. 163 said it was a fever, that this sort of reaction was normal when someone was very sick. Still, he had found it hard to sleep.  
  
She had hurt Mr. 288, and everyone knew it. ~If...if she wakes up...will she try to hurt me?~ Despite his worries, he was careful to put Mr. 36's dagger on the shelf so that he wouldn't hurt her out of fear if she did wake up. ~Remember, she tried to heal him...she did...~He groaned, his stomach fluttering as he rested his aching head on his desk. ~But what if she doesn't wake up...will they bury her like they did Mr. 36?~ As a precaution against that, and so that no one else would be hurt or angry, he'd moved her to his hut and let her sleep on his bed. ~I wish...I wish 163 and 192 wouldn't be so mad...wouldn't disapprove so much...What if they're right? They're so much smarter than me...~  
  
He didn't realize that he was weeping until he felt large hands rest on his trembling shoulders and he subconsciously hurried to wipe away his tears.  
  
"Hey, you going to come out of here sometime this week?" a rich voice asked.  
  
"Hello 44," he mumbled as the hands rubbed comforting circles on his back.  
  
"Look, I brought you some biscuits and soup...you've got to eat something. You look awful. The poor girl--you'll frighten her to death if she does wake." 56 sighed. The smell in his hut was wonderful. Mr. 44 wasn't a bit larger than the other mages for nothing--he was a magnificent cook. But his stomach turned queasily, and he couldn't bear to look at the food even if it would hurt his friend's feelings. Suddenly, she began to moan. "Look at that, the fever's started up again." 44 tsked and moved to study her. "Have you been giving her the medicine that 163 gave you?"  
  
"Yes...but nothing seems to work, and since she's asleep and all it's h-hard even to feed her..." He swallowed as the moaning turned into crying and convulsions. Shakily, he stood up in case he would be needed, and was nearly knocked down as 44 tried to back away.  
  
"H-hey...that's pretty bad..." he said nervously.  
  
"She's done it for three days now..." He trembled as she grew more distressed, his heart drumming in his chest with an unnamable terror. With desperate hands he gripped his friend's arm. "Oh...oh gods...44, do something so that she doesn't stop!" he wailed. 44 shook his head and took a deep breath.  
  
"I don't know what to do..."  
  
"Oh, somebody's got to do something...somebody's got to...M-mr. 44...36 was like this just before we got to this village...j-just before he stopped..." he cried in misery, sinking to the floor in panic and fatigue. Sobs choked his throat, and to his shame he couldn't stop them. "Oh, somebody help..." he whimpered. Strong arms wrapped around him, and he leaned into the warmth. In the midst of his own misery and her noise he noticed that 44 smelled like fresh baked bread and apple pie. He took those comforting scents in and allowed himself to be rocked gently. After several minutes, he felt calmer, and Mr. 44 still held him. "I'm so tired..." he whispered.  
  
"I know." 44 gave him a reassuring hug. "Did you try this?"  
  
"Try what?"  
  
"This." 44 hugged him again, and he frowned.  
  
"Well...no...she's asleep and really...um...upset...plus she h-hurt Mr. 288..."  
  
"Worked for you. Maybe you should try it. Maybe she's scared..." 56 made a dubious sound, but both rose from the floor at the same time and stared at her.  
  
"She's moving an awful lot..."  
  
"You...you might have to hold her to restrain her...she might hurt herself like that..."  
  
Newly determined, 56 eased himself onto the bed. Careful not to be hit, he gently situated his hands under her back and quickly pulled her to him. His head rang for a moment with the force of a flailing blow. He tried to hold her still, but her skin was slick with sweat.  
  
"Um, hey...44?" he asked nervously. The larger mage nodded, and the bed creaked with the addition of his weight. He gripped her arms firmly held them to her side. She struggled, and 44 spluttered as her head hit him in the jaw and busted his lip. 56 cringed at the sight of the blood and closed his eyes tight. ~Any minute he's going to say it...he's going to be mad at me...~  
  
But the struggling ceased before anything could be said. 56 cautiously opened his eyes and was met by a dull grey stare. His heart skipped a beat--this had happened before, but she'd never really awoke. ~Still, it's a good sign, right?~ He hoped desperately that it was.  
  
"Hi...a-are you awake yet?" he asked, and was troubled to hear how pathetic he sounded. She blinked at him, then slowly ran a hand over her rounded stomach. To his surprise, 44 chuckled.  
  
"Don't see how you stayed that way...you wouldn't eat." Her hands lingered there, and she panted softly as her body suddenly sagged in their arms.  
  
"Hey...you...you alright...?" 56 asked, a panicked edge to his voice. ~Gods, not all that for it to be over now...!~  
  
"Mmm." She closed her eyes. "Thanks." 56 swallowed, and the tears came again. It was a jumble of so many feelings...protectiveness, immense, overwhelming relief, and a few he didn't think he'd ever felt. She looked at him with heavily lidded eyes, a slight smile playing at her lips as though she had found some personal amusement. He quickly stood.  
  
"44's right...you've gotta eat. You haven't eaten in days, so eat while you're awake, okay? Look, here's soup..." He took the cup that Mr. 44 had brought and presented it to her. She reached up with trembling hands, and he was apalled to find that she could not hold it for weakness. She frowned and tried to sit up.  
  
"Here, wait just a sec." 44 gently pulled her backwards as 56 cleared the pillows away. As he threw them on the floor, he kept an eye on her. Her eyes kept drifting closed. ~If she goes back to sleep she might stop from not eating!~ So he decided to talk to distract her.  
  
"So, I hope this bed is good enough for you...it's all I've got..."  
  
"Mm-hmm..."  
  
"And I hope the pillows were high enough...Mr. 288 didn't tell me how high to put them."  
  
"Musta been..."  
  
"Say, how come you wanted your feet up. That was kind of weird."  
  
"For m'baby..." He smiled nervously, only half listening as he sat down beside her. Mr. 44 held her in a sitting position and was surruptitiously smoothing her hair.  
  
"What?"  
  
"To save my baby...I was losing her." The sentence seemed to take a great effort, but she had both of their full attention.  
  
"What baby?" 44 asked, confused. She raised an eyebrow at them.  
  
"Here." She patted her stomach, and they stared.  
  
"In your stomach?" 56 asked after a moment. She nodded. "Um...is that okay?"  
  
"Better than that." 44 and 56 stared at each other for a moment.  
  
"Um, yeah. Here, you'd better have this while you're awake." 56 pressed the cup to her mouth, and with some hesitation, she drank. 


	3. No One Like You

Author's notes: Still getting the hang of how fanfiction.net converts from Word, so pleez bear with me… Thanks to Sad Mudokon for beta reading the last two chapters and some of this one and encouraging me to post ^v^ !

Disclaimer: I, of course, don't own Final Fantasy IX. Sueing me would be fruitless as I actually have negative $$ from college loans ^^;; and I will take my gorgeous Duo Maxwell cel with me to the grave before I sell it ^o^!

How Fair This Place

By Bmv no Miko

Chapter Three: No One Like You

That night she slept peacefully, and for once he didn't mind so much his place on the floor. But the next day, he resolved to get some answers. After she'd risen, sluggishly had more soup, and slept again, he headed for 163's item shop. Carefully, trying not to leave out details, he explained the situation.

"…and so then she acts like there's a baby ~_in her stomach~_. And I ask if that's okay, and she acts as though it's normal."

163's eyes glowed with curiosity, and if he were human he'd have been raising an eyebrow.

"I read about something like that…" 56 shifted from foot to foot as 163 started going through his ever-growing collection of books. 163 had originally been very unhappy about the prospect of a human in the village, but after a couple of days his fascination with the outside world had gotten the better of him. 56 was surprised at how precise he was in measuring out the girl's medication, how gentle he was when demonstrating how to apply the bandages. "I think it's this one," he said, and removed his spectacles from their resting spot on his hat. Settling them on his nose, he began to leaf through the bright red tome. 

"History of Human Sexuality. I was lucky to get this one. The goblin that sold it to me said that it had been banned among humans as improper, scandalous. This is one of only two ever made," he said with a touch of pride. "I hear the regent of Lindblum has the other."

            "Um…what's sexuality?" 163 gave an exasperated sigh.

            "I have no idea, but whatever it is, humans don't like it. See, lots of pictures of naked humans." He turned the book around so that 56 could see.

            "Yep, they're naked. I don't guess I'd like it either if I had to be naked in pictures." They both shrugged, and 163 resumed flipping pages. 

"Look, here it is. See, here's this naked girl, and this little thing in her tummy is like a very small baby. I don't exactly understand it. But if you keep following the pictures, the baby grows and gets bigger. When it's big enough, it's born." 56 angled his head and studied the pictures dubiously.

"How big's big enough?"

"This says nine months. But something's kind of wrong. See, the girl you brought is…small. She doesn't look like this girl. I think she's supposed to be older. I think maybe the one you brought is too small to have a baby inside her."

"Well, I think she has one anyway." 56 said, still frowning at the pictures. "So…how's it going to get out of her and be born?" 163 flipped a couple pages and winced. 

"I guess like this?" He turned the book around again. 

"No way!" 56 gasped. 

"Well that's what the book says…"

"Geez, that…will she be okay through that?! That looks like it'd hurt!"

"Yeah, it says here that 'if a woman is not properly attended to by a midwife and has not had prenatal care, risk of death is exponentially raised'," he read.

"So what's all that mean?" 56 asked hopelessly. 163 frowned and closed the book.

"I don't know. There's not a lot about baby stuff in here. Mostly weird pictures and art. 'The Evolution of Romantic Poetry'. It's not exactly a scientific book." 

By the time he returned to his hut, the sun was setting.  He and Mr. 163 had spent a lot of time poring through books trying to find what things meant, but one definition always contained more words that they didn't understand the meaning of. Mr. 163 had finally suggested that he ask her what this was all about. 

~But…I'm not sure if it's okay to ask…~

He shrugged his outer coat off and hung it on the back of his door.

"Hi there," a voice behind him said wearily. He spun around, shocked, and stared at her for a moment. "Excitable little critters, aren't you?" she mused, a faint smile on her lips. He twisted his hands and swallowed, his stomach fluttering with the nervousness that always came when she woke, with the fear of humans.

"Are you hungry?"  She gave a little chuckle.

"Yes, thank you." 

He rushed to his tiny pantry and quickly pulled out a few of Mr. 44's biscuits, his hands shaking, eager to do something right—and food was the only way he knew to help. Anything beyond that and he was fast on sinking ground. 

"Here you go," he said breathlessly, almost throwing them at her in his desperation to get her to eat. She blinked at him as he stood staring at her, and the silence hung. "Oh, you don't like those? I'll just…" he moved to take them back. ~Maybe that's not good for someone with a baby maybe something else-~ His thoughts flew with embarassment. 

"Will you just wait a minute?" She asked him, the laughter in her voice undertoned with pain. He stopped, abashed. 

"Sorry…" he whispered and lowered his eyes, suddenly feeling defeated. He twisted his hands. The whole day hadn't really gone well, what with the research turning out almost completely useless…

~If only I understood more, I'd be more useful…~

"No…no sweetie, don't be sorry. Are you Mr. 56?"

He nodded quietly, his eyes still on the dirt floor. 

"Then thank you for helping me. It would have been bad for me if no one had. Mr. 288 said you carried me all the way here. I'm grateful for that," she said, trying hard to sound thankful and soothing at the same time. He swallowed again, trying to be rid of the sudden lump that had formed in his throat. 

"You're welcome," he managed after a moment. The silence hung again. 

"So…where am I?" She asked awkwardly.

"In…in the Black Mage Village." He winced as he spoke, suddenly wondering how she'd react—after all, she'd stabbed Mr. 288 on sight. But there was no outburst, and he dared to look up at her. She appeared pensive.

"Only black mages here?" He shifted his feet.

"Sometimes there's goblins too. From Conde Petie. We trade with them."  His stomach fluttered uncomfortably. ~I'm talking with a human…~ He wasn't sure what to say, or how much, and feared that he was coming off as dull-witted. She ate a whole biscuit before answering, studying him shrewdly. He fidgeted under her gaze.

~Why is she looking at me like that?~

"Will you tell me a little about yourself, and the village here? There's a lot I don't understand."

"Um…okay…but…c-can I ask some questions too?"

"Sure." The affirmative answer came so quickly that he was surprised. 

"Okay…"

She was quiet as he pulled a small, hand-carved stool away from the wall and sat down, his eyes still on the floor, his hands twisting. The demeanor confused her—she couldn't read it.  The other mage 288 was also confusing. In Citta, when they had come, they were imprecise, violent creatures of destruction. They had been merciless and…and empty. She shuddered, remembering the blankness of the stare of that one mage… 

But the two that she'd seen so far were different. There was something behind the eyes, something warm, confused, childlike, intelligent. In a way she felt cheated, angered, because as much as she wished to, she could not hate these new ones, could not do justice for her family. She frowned at the trembling figure sitting beside the bed and recalled the same action in the wounded 288. Suddenly, she had an epiphany. All of the strangeness, the mage 163 that had burst in when she'd attacked 288—it was more than nervousness. It wasn't just the pain that had upset 288 so much…

"Mr. 56? Are you…and the other mages…are you ~afraid~ of me?" Without hesitating for a second, he nodded. She blinked, taken aback, and the impression of ~children~ lodged itself more firmly in her mind. "Why? I don't get it, since I'm in really bad shape here and unable to use magic." He thought for a moment, shifting in his seat, before he answered.

"Well…I guess it's just that…you're the first human we've ever really seen and known up-close…We don't get a lot of visitors here on purpose. And most of us became…aware…in the middle of fighting humans."

"Mr. 288 mentioned something like that. What exactly is this, becoming aware?" He shrugged uncomfortably.

"It's like…geez, how to explain…I didn't know what I was doing, and then I did. Maybe like I realized I could control what I was doing…I'm really not sure how to explain. But when I realized…I…we…at least I think everyone…was really scared. We all ran away and came here." She closed her eyes, unable to look at the meek form that shied away from facing her. The depth of what she had done to the other mage 288 ground into her conscience. 

"I think I understand why you're afraid of me. And I'm sorry. Later I'll say I'm sorry to Mr. 288 myself, okay…? I'm not going to hurt you, I promise. Hey…" She reached out a hand, and he stared at it dubiously. "Shake on it, alright? That means I promise and I won't lie to you." She had a sudden feeling of great fragility as his large hand engulfed hers, though his touch was soft and hesitant. "Right. So now we can look at each other and have an honest conversation, okay?" He tilted his head and gave her a curious look.

"Okay…"

"So, do you have a question for me?" She prompted.

"What?" For a moment she thought he was staring at her chest (such as it was) through her torn dress, but then remembered her necklace. ~None of them took interest before anyway.~ The thought made her feel strangely safe. 

"Is it this you like?" With nimble fingers she lifted the silver chain and pendant from around her neck and  held it up for him.

"I…I was just looking at it…I-it's pretty," he stuttered, embarassed for being caught staring. 

"Thank you." She ran her fingertips over the familiar and somewhat worn design of feathers locked in a tight circle around an intricately carved tower. She couldn't help but smile at its weight in her palm, her last bit of hope. "It's called the Torre Degli Angeli. At least, that's what it says on the back. See, this piece in the middle of the tower is broken. It's too bad, because there was supposed to be a strong white magic spell in it. I'd sure like to learn white magic someday," she said offhand, hoping not to reveal just how important the pendant was to her.

"Oh…" And the silence hung again.

"You don't talk much, do you, honey?" She finally asked in exasperation, and was almost instantly sorry due to his hurt expression. The pain in the luminous eyes that finally met her own was easy to read. "Oh, I didn't mean…"

"It's just that I've never talked to a human! You were hurt for so long and I thought you'd stop! You cried and cried and I couldn't do anything!" he finally burst out, and she was shocked to see silver slide down his black cheeks. He sniffled and rubbed the tears away in embarrassment.  Her chest clinched with compassion and sorrow, and with that awful feeling the heavy fatigue returned. Ashamed, weak, and sick of both feelings, she tried to think of some way to make things right. She reached out and grasped one of his large hands and settled it on her rounded stomach.

"Look…look…I'm not sure if you understand, but there's a life inside me…that wouldn't be there if it weren't for you…if it weren't for your kindness and patience, that life would have… just stopped. So you did a lot for me. You did a lot of good things," she whispered, trembling as she pressed his hand to her belly. 

"Really?" He asked timidly, his smooth voice hushed. She nodded, and sudden happiness glowed in his eyes, faintly tinged with doubt. "You're not going to stop, are you?" He asked softly, the words catching in his throat. She decided that she liked hearing him speak—the depth of his voice combined with the innocence was comforting. 

"No, not anytime soon, I hope. I'm really sorry. I know I'm being a burden and that I haven't been a grateful guest…but maybe we can be friends." He smiled timidly.

"Yeah, maybe…so… I guess…what's your name?"

"Shorah." 

Peace.

He blinked, the name's meaning oddly familiar,ingrained in him from birth, just as was the ability to walk and speak. He was almost certain that he'd heard it spoken in a mocking tone somewhere before.

Author's notes: Woohoo—she finally has a name! Quick promise—No matter what this looks like, this is ~not~ going to turn into a 'mage village and a baby' fic ^^;;.

I love the black mages so much it hurts, so I'll probably continue this one for a while… but reviews would make me much more happy about posting! Call me a post-a-phobic O_o—this is the first fanfic that I've ever put up for others to read…so constructive criticism or other thoughts are welcome. Next chapter: Waltz One and Bobby Corwen's egg!


	4. Book of Days

Author's notes: Woohoo, another chapter! And it's a looong one too—hope that's okay ^^;; This is sort of my take on how a day might go in the BMV. It's normal life before all hell breaks loose ^_^   Rated PG-13 for now, but will become an R later. Please please give me feedback…it's much appreciated!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy IX, but I do own a cute Vivi plushie ^o^ (Must find the Black Waltz #3 figure…)

How Fair This Place

By Bmv no Miko

Chapter 4: Book of Days

She pretended to be asleep as she watched him mending a beaten old leather traveling pack, his luminous eyes squinting as he painstakingly stitched.

"You'll stay together, this time…" he muttered, the light of dawn spilling over his shoulders as worked, the crooked hat betraying his seriousness. After some time he was satisfied. He tied and snipped the thread, and she watched with curiosity as he ran his hands over the pack for a moment, almost lovingly. As he stood, she quickly closed her eyes and breathed deeper. She felt him kneel beside the bed.

"Sorry, Shorah. I've gotta be useful around here—help out the village—so I'm going to Conde Petie to trade. Mr. 44 will come to watch you later, okay?" He whispered. She was surprised when he smoothed her hair, but remained still. After some rustling, the door softly closed behind him. Cautiously, she opened her eyes and waited. After a few minutes she was satisfied that he hadn't forgotten anything and sat up. 

~I've got to get clean. It's been so long since I've bathed…it can't be good for me.~ She ran a free hand through her hair and was disgusted with the dirt and oil that had built up. The front of her filthy dress gaped open, and she subconsciously held it closed as she stood shakily. As she made for the door, she almost tripped on a pillow. ~What the…?~  She covered her mouth with her hand, taking in the thin bedding on the floor for the first time. ~Light, he's been sleeping on the floor in here with me while I…I must have been so tired before that I didn't realize…~ She frowned as she stripped the sheets from her…no...his bed and gathered the others from the floor. 

163 tilted his head, his sweeping forgotten, as Mr. 56's charge clumsily worked her way out of his hut with a pile of sheets. ~What in the world?~ For a moment he thought that he would call out to her, but then decided better against it. ~Probably not good to surprise her.~ Despite his curiosity, suspicion rose within him, the uncomfortable feeling that hadn't gone away since the day she came. He shuddered when he thought of how he'd found 288. It would probably be best to keep a distance. Even so, she was a human, a real human, the first ever in the village. He gave a backwards glance at his shelf of books. ~Humans wrote all of those…~ He ran his fingers over the broom handle, thinking. 

After a moment,  he went inside and began searching for the bright red book with all the weird human pictures and poetry and the like. It took him some time to find it as it was buried beneath all sorts of other tomes and he had a tendency to misplace things anyway. But he finally produced it, and tucked it under his arm as he followed in the way that she had gone, toward the pond. He was unsure of exactly what he wanted with her, but he did want to compare her to the pictures if nothing else, to understand more about how new life came about. Maybe…maybe talk, if it looked okay to talk. 

He came to a stop behind some flowering bushes and waved away a bee as he watched her walk to the bank, her load precarious. Having reached the pond, she halted and dropped the bedding unceremoniously to the ground. He noted the difficulty with which she removed her dress. ~I'm going to have to make her some more medicine later.~ She tossed the dress onto the pile and stretched, obviously stiff, then sat down and began unwinding the bandages from her legs. Quickly, he opened the book and began leafing through the pages. He found the pictures of the woman with the growing baby and started comparing, curious and thrilled to see something he never thought that he would see. ~There's something special about having a baby, right? About having life that's not yours…~  Happy with having something to compare his reading to, he edged closer to the bank and looked at her closely.

He noted that her hips were wide which, considering the disgusting pictures a few pages over, was probably a good thing. ~Mr. 56 can deal with that if it happens…~  However, the pictures depicted the top of the woman being much bigger, and though he didn't really get the gist, it seemed as though the child was supposed to somehow feed through those. He rather doubted that her small pink buds would do that. ~I wonder if her baby would stop because of that? That would be kind of sad…I wonder if human babies are cute…~ But overall, he was satisfied to see that she appeared much stronger now than when she first came. In a way her good health reflected how well his bandaging and medicine had done so far, and since it was all kind of experimental this was a good sign. 

After a moment's indecision, he snapped the book shut and made his way to the bank. ~It can't hurt to talk to her a little. I don't think she'll chase me or hurt me while she's naked…she won't have any weapons…~

He had hoped that she would acknowledge his arrival and start a conversation, but she was too absorbed in removing her bandages with the least pain she could manage. He winced at the sight of the healing burns. ~That must have hurt…Okay, how to start…~ He shifted his feet a little and nervously ran a hand over the cover of his book. 

"Y-you know, I can get you something so that doesn't hurt as much…"he offered awkwardly, then stepped back reflexively as she gave a startled squeak. He frowned as she curled in on herself and gave him an incredulous stare, her mouth hanging open. Embarrassed, he straightened his hat with his free hand. "No no, I'm not going to hurt you… I'm the one that bandaged you up, see? I've, um…got this book…" he held it out in front of him so that she could see, "…and I thought maybe you'd know something about it." He was somewhat annoyed as she shook her head slowly, eyes still wide and mouth still open. He crossed his arms defensively. "Well…I didn't think it was so awful to ~ask~," he declared, flustered. 

"Great gods, 163, what are you doing?"  He jumped as Mr. 44 suddenly appeared by his side. "Mr. 56 asked me to watch her and she wasn't in his hut…what's she doing here with you, without clothes and with all of 56's sheets?" 44's usually soft voice held a faint tone of warning.

 "~I~ didn't bring her down here, she brought herself! I came to see what she was up to, running off with all of his sheets!" he squawked indignantly, waving his hand in her direction as she stared at them. "And to ask her a question about this book…" he grumbled, embarrassed that things had gone so wrong and disappointed because she didn't seem to want to speak to him. Mr. 44 placed his large hands on his hips and turned to her. The scolding stance was ruined by his uncertain voice.

"So, um, what ~are~ you up to?" To both of their surprise, she began to laugh as though something was very funny. 163 gripped his book defensively and turned to make his way back to his item shop where he could nurse his hurt dignity in private.

"What's all the commotion down here?" a deep voice asked. "I was at the cemetery and heard…oh…" 288 tapped his staff on the ground habitually as he took in the scene, looking as though he wanted to say something but didn't quite know how. 163 noted that he held his staff in his right hand now rather than the left. ~His shoulder must be hurting him…I'll have look at it for him later…~ A much smaller and rather shaggy, winged mage arrived behind him, the tinkle of a bell punctuating his shuffling steps. Mr. 288 gave his staff a final definitive tap and straightened his hat. "Um, you know…" he said carefully, "…I don't think humans like…"  But he was interrupted by a cry from the winged mage. With ungainly but quick steps he dashed toward the naked girl. Sudden fear painted her face and she threw up her arms to defend herself, but it was unneeded as the diminutive mage simply fell to his knees and hugged her tightly, his shoulders trembling. She slowly relaxed and gave the other three mages an astonished, questioning look. 163 could only shake his head at her and watch as his companions did the same, though 288 looked both embarrassed and confused. Slowly, cautiously, she returned the winged mage's embrace.

"H-hi there little guy…"she said softly, and 163 was fascinated by the way her eyes shone, the demeanor that was completely different from how she'd looked when she attacked 288.  "Nice to meet you too…" After a moment, the little mage pulled away and stared at her with wide eyes, breathing hard. Again she looked to them for some kind of help, but still none was forthcoming. Mr. 288 cleared his throat.

"I was, err, going to say that humans are more…ah…well, there's two kinds…" he began by way of explanation. 

~What is he on about?~ Mr. 288 knew more about the world than everyone else, and he couldn't help but wonder sometimes just how he knew all of those things. But instead, she broke in.

"It's okay, Mr. 288. I figure I'm not really entitled to that kind of modesty anymore anyways, come to think of it," she said with a sad smile, not quite meeting his eyes. He blinked, confused, but didn't say anything. "But a pointer if you ever venture into the world—there ~are~ two kinds of humans: Men and women. I'm not sure, but I think you guys qualify as male. I don't know how women in your village act, but among humans you aren't supposed to see a woman when she's naked, got it?" 163 flinched and held his book to his chest, a silver blush rising in his cheeks as he looked at the ground. 

"I…I'm sorry. I didn't know…" he mumbled.

"I know. I guess I'll agree to be an exception, though." She turned back to the little mage. "Hey, I need some soap for washing these sheets and for washing…well, me. Do you think you can find me some?" He nodded vigorously and was off, wings rustling. She tilted her head toward him as she rose painfully from the ground, her necklace gently swinging. "Who's that guy?" 

"That's One. He's a Black Waltz," 44 offered. 

"Eh?" She gave him an uncomprehending look as she slowly waded into the clear, cold pond, her eyes tearing up from the burns. 

"A Black Waltz. Sort of like a very powerful black mage. Dunno how many there were, but not many. They were sort of like our masters, I think. He's kind of weird—doesn't talk at all. Or at least hasn't yet," 163 explained, glad to be able to get a word in. 

"Oh, be nice 163. He's not that weird," 44 chided. She frowned and ducked under the water for a moment to wet her hair, then asked,

"Why the numbers for names?"  

"We were produced with serial numbers. They're implanted in our memory and tattooed on the back of our necks as well," 288 said quietly. 

"Like they would be on a doll," she mused thoughtfully, trying to work tangles out of her hair. 163 shivered and studied his feet. "So why not pick new names? Having numbers is such an insult. Humans assign numbers to things that don't matter, like cattle." 

"T-that's not a nice thing to say!" 44 spluttered, shocked. She raised an eyebrow at him. 

"I didn't say that it was nice—it's the truth. If I were you the first thing I'd have done is got a real name." 44 looked about to argue, but 288 tapped his staff on the ground and he quieted.

"You're right, it is the truth, among humans. But you must understand that for some of us, that number is all we got away with. It's something that we've known from birth. Another name just wouldn't be right…so…please pardon us for our ignorance…" he ended softly, his eyes downcast. 163 saw with surprise that she looked chastised and ashamed. She nodded, blinked several times, and turned her back to them. 

"Sorry…" she whispered. 163's eyes widened with astonishment and there was a collective intake of breath. Her back was crossed with scars, some thick while others were barely noticeable. All were fairly old, though a few were in the last stages of healing. All three mages stared at each other for a long moment, then Mr. 44 swallowed and turned his attention to his hands and silence hung in the air. It was interrupted by jingling as One returned with the soaps and a scrubbing board. "Thanks, One. You're a real sweetie, y'know?" she praised the beaming little mage as she waded to the bank and took the things from him. He nodded silently and settled himself on the grass, never removing his gaze from her.  In uncomfortable silence she sat in the shallow  water and began to bathe. 163 shifted self consciously. ~This is bad.~

"There aren't any women," he said quickly, his voice awkward. 

"What?"

"You…um…you said something about how our women acted…but there aren't any…" She stared at him. 

"None? Not even one here?" He shook his head.

"We're all guys."

"Then how will there be more…oh…" she cut off, obviously realizing from their crestfallen looks that they also had no idea how there could ever be more black mages. She cleared her throat. "Ahem. Sorry guys, my limited social skills have completely failed me so far today. So, about how old are you, then? How long have you been here?"

"We're none of us over a year old," 288 answered with certainty. "And I was one of the first here. Apparently there used to be another village here, but it was abandoned. We built on that. I've been here six months. Of course, others have come since then."

"Wow, you…you're that young? You are, Mr. 288?" she asked incredulously. He nodded, a slight curiosity shining in his luminous eyes. "I thought…I mean, I knew something was different, but I chalked it up to the fact that you're black mages and not human…I thought sure you were older than me, Mr. 288. I mean, I didn't know when you were created, but I thought sure…wow…" she breathed. "You're children…sort of."

"There's lots of ingrained knowledge, so that's how we got by," 163 said, proud to offer a point of explanation. 

"Must have been a lot, a whole fricking lot! Look at this place, what you've built! God, do you know how amazing that is? You're using hydro to run electricity, and you figured that out by yourself? Light, do you know how many people would kill to study something like this?" She gushed, suddenly enthusiastic. 163 shifted from foot to foot, unsure of how to deal with the onslaught, but foolishly pleased with her reaction. 

"So, how old are you?" he asked, encouraged. She smiled at him.

"Dunno. There's a lot that I don't remember. My mom and dad found me pretty messed up a couple years ago. They weren't my real mom and dad, and we were very poor, but it was kind of them to take me in. Figure I'm about fifteen now, if that. I've always been kind of short," she mused. He tilted his head curiously.

"So why don't you remember anything?" ~Wait a minute…what kind of a question is that?~ But she answered kindly.

"Not sure. I guess you saw the scars, huh? My parents found me in an open field when most of those were brand new. Some I got after that, from working, but that's neither here nor there." She ducked under momentarily to wash away the soap. "Light, it's nice to get clean."

"What in the world kind of work do you do where you get scars like that?" 44 asked, aghast and completely unaware that he was prying. She gave him a weighing look, then sighed.

"I was sold out, of course. Most of the farmer's daughters allowed themselves to be sold out. You know, to help the family, put food on the table." He didn't notice that Mr. 288 was shaking his head urgently and continued his questioning. 

"Sold out? What exactly does that mean?" She frowned at him, and 163 could see that she was trying to decide what to say.

"It means that men paid gil to have me stay with them for a night or two. I was never permanently sold, just for a little while. It's good money. I used to be able to make more than papa…because of me we could live better. I mean, it's nothing that we were proud of…but it was a living. Comes in handy."

"Oh, so you did chores for them?" She smiled ruefully.

"Yes, something like that." He heard 288 breathe a sigh of relief and wondered what was wrong. 44 stretched slowly, pleased that his question had been answered and not particularly feeling like getting into the issue of her scars.

"Well, it's a beautiful day. Time to make breakfast. You want some eggs, Shorah? We're raising chickens in the back," he offered proudly. She smiled brightly at him.

"You boys think of everything, don't you? Sure, I'll have some—I'm starving. Where'd you get chickens? Bought them in Conde Petie?" 

"Er, something like that," he said evasively. "163, will you take her up to my hut when you're finished here?" 163 nodded, only half listening. ~Maybe now she'll talk with me!~  Satisfied, Mr. 44 turned and made his way up the hill back to the village, humming to himself. 

"Are you sure everything's okay?" Mr. 288 asked her dubiously, eyeing One and 163 meaningfully. She nodded.

"It's fine, Mr. 288. I'm making an exception for my rescuers."

"Alright then. I'm going back up to the cemetery for a while," he declared, a sad smile in his glowing eyes as he turned to leave. One remained settled in the grass, watching her intently. 

"So…um…" he began, suddenly nervous with being nearly alone with her. 

"You have questions, right? I'm going to wash these sheets now, so I'll talk with ya while I'm doing that. Hey One? Can you fetch me the laundry soap and the washboard?" The winged mage quickly got them for her, and 163 waited for her to get situated. Since she couldn't prop the board against her burned legs, One held it angled against the bank for her and studiously kept it still as she began to work. Taking a deep breath, 163 settled himself in the grass, leaning back against a gnarled and graceful willow tree.

"I guess first…how'd you end up in our woods? I've, um…never seen a human on this continent yet…at least around here. Except you."

"Well, that…" she got out around scrubbing laundry, "…is something I don't quite know the answer to myself." He straightened his hat.

"Um, how could that be?"

"You ever do something and you aren't quite sure why you do it?" He thought for a moment. 

"I always lose things, and I don't know why I can't remember where I put them. You mean like that?"

"Sort of. After my parents were k…er, stopped…I thought maybe I'd go out and find where I was really from, before all of that. I had the money that my parents had left, and I got passage on a boat to come to this continent. But I needed more money, and a business transaction kind of went wrong on the way over. So fool that I am I thought I'd keep going even though I was hurt. You can see how well that went. Truth be told I was hurt before I started but I wasn't thinking too clearly then. The funny thing about it all is that, now that you ask me, I don't really know why I was doing all of those things," she said pensively, as though the realization disturbed her.

"You traveled all that way without knowing why? I mean…why even come to this continent…?" He waited eagerly for her answer, a strange feeling inside him. When the silence continued, he reluctantly decided to be more forthcoming. "I…um…I came here all by myself. The only others that came here alone was 192 and One. I didn't know…I mean, I knew I was going somewhere, but I wasn't sure where…okay, that doesn't make sense, but anyway I…I think we all felt that way," he said quietly, fidgeting some in the grass. "I kind of thought that feeling was only for black mages…but if it's for everyone…maybe we should live somewhere else…" She darted a weighing glance up at him, then sighed.

"I guess I owe it to you people to be more honest. You noticed my necklace?" He nodded, watching as the silver pendant swayed along with her scrubbing movements. 

"Mm. It's pretty. Is it special?" 

"To me it is. I've had it for as long as I can remember. It's my only real possession. It's called the Torre Degli Angeli. I can tell it used to have a white magic spell, and a big one. Maybe Holy. There's lots of power in it, but it's unfocussed so it's pretty useless. I can't grasp it to learn anything. It's probably because it's broken. But I've always felt like it's wanted me to go somewhere, and I feel strange if I don't have it with me. I know it sounds silly, but it ~wanted~ me to come to this continent. Without it, I probably never would have gone anywhere," she said, sounding as though she were speaking it as much for her own benefit as his. He shook his head.

"It's not silly…I mean…we all came here because we were led by something, right? Do you think…um…that you were supposed to come to our village?" She shook her head.

"Probably not. I can tell I'm off track. I was so sick that I couldn't even tell where I was supposed to be going anymore. But thanks to you guys, I'm getting better. Soon I'll be well enough to leave. I realize I've been quite the burden, and I've yet to make it better. I've got to pay you back somehow, but I really don't know what to do…" He twisted his hands in his lap, suddenly embarrassed.

"Um…I'm sorry. For scaring you when Mr. 288 was hurt. He told me later that you were just scared that we'd hurt you…if you're mad now…I mean…" he shook his head, unable to say exactly what he wanted. She gave him an odd look. 

"It's okay. I wasn't nice either."

"Oh…well…when are you going to leave?"

"As soon as I repay what I owe you. And don't say I don't owe you anything. I have to do this. For me. Unless…" She finally straightened up and knuckled her back, looking at him tiredly. "Unless it'd be easier on everyone if I left sooner. I've got a feeling that I might not exactly…er…be welcome here. Not that it's your fault," she added quickly. "I just think I'm making people uncomfortable, you know? Maybe making folks remember things they'd rather not." He frowned and absentmindedly picked blades of grass and threw them in the water, unsure of how to answer since it was partly true. She sighed and began washing the soap out of the sheets and her dress. One pulled the board out of the water since she wasn't using it and settled himself again. 163 leaned back into the tree. An orange and black butterfly flitted past him delicately, and wasps buzzed about making their nests in the branches of the willow. He could hear Mr. 123 playing his flute somewhere up in the village, greeting the morning, while elsewhere hammers banged with the construction of a hut for the next mage who might wander in. He closed his eyes with a smile. Despite her presence and the discomfort it raised, the village was still a happy and welcoming place to be. With a grunt he pushed himself up from the ground and straightened his hat. 

"Here, let me take that. We have a clothesline a little way over, and I'll hang them up for you," he offered, noticing the trouble that she was having gathering the wet laundry. She smiled at him gratefully and silently handed it up to him piece by piece. The soggy sheets soaked through his coat, but the day was hot anyway and he didn't want to hurt her feelings by saying something about it. Questions about the book would have to wait. "Um, if you'll wait here for a while I'll get one of my extra robes and you can wear it while your dress dries. No, you can have it," he amended, noting the torn state of her only article of clothing. "I don't wear it too much anyway." She looked about to protest, but he shook his head shyly. "No, you can really have it. I want you to have it…so you feel better here...'cause it's not fair for us to be comfortable here and not you."

She felt worlds better as she made her way to Mr. 44's hut. Not only was she clean, but Mr. 163's old robe was also much better than the dyed and reshaped feedsacks that she'd had to wear on the farm. Her new clothes were deep navy blue and smooth rather than faded and scratchy. The sleeves were too long, but she wasn't about to complain. He'd even given her a red ribbon to pull her wet hair back with. She couldn't help but smile, mystified with this outpouring of kindness and the general patience they had shown her. It made her feel silly and warm and guilty that she hadn't been able to do anything nice for them yet. She'd promised to go to the item shop later so that he could give her medicine for her burns. He would have done it then, but some strange little folk (goblins, he said) came in to do business, so he pointed the way to 44's hut and made her promise to come back later. Reluctantly, the cute winged mage had stayed with him. ~I wonder why the little one likes me so much? I don't see him being anyone's master…~

She stopped at Mr. 44's door, suddenly shy and embarrassed about accepting so much charity. ~Maybe I should bypass this and find something useful to do…but what if he cooked enough for me and I didn't show? What if he was disappointed with me…~ She could hear him moving about inside as she stood thinking. Slowly, she raised her hand, and with a deep breath, knocked. 

"Come in!" he called cheerily. She frowned and opened the door. "Well hello again! Glad to see you've got clothes on now. Come on, come in and sit down. Wow, those are 163's robes, right? They look prettier on you for some reason," he rambled, bustling over a woodstove. She could feel her face burning as she slid into a seat at the table. "So anyways, that was nice of you to wash 56's stuff like that. He's been really taken with you, you know—rarely comes out of his hut he's always so worried about you. There for several days I had the worst time even getting him to eat. You'll have to excuse him—we're all kind of silly about finding things and taking care of them. Not that you're a thing, but you get the idea…" She couldn't help but smile at his onslaught.

"No no…I don't think anyone's silly…it's really very kind of him to have helped me like he did, especially when I make everyone so uncomfortable…" she ventured. He turned to her and shook his head.

"You don't make us uncomfortable. Well, not me, anyway," he amended, straightening his hat and smudging it with flour in the process. She laughed at him, unable to help herself.

"Your hut sure is bigger than the others. Mr. 56 didn't have a kitchen like this."

"Nope, I'm the only one. Nobody minds that I take up more space since they all eat my food anyway. Come to think of it, I just take up space naturally," he mused, his eyes twinkling. She raised her eyebrows at him. ~Wow, this one sure is different…all of the others so far seem so quiet and shy and maybe kind of sad…~  "Here, eat," he said, shoving a bowl of eggs and a plate of biscuits in front of her. There was even butter. "You're going to turn into a beanpole the way you've been going about that soup. If I were that baby in there I'd want more than that." She shifted self consciously in her hand-made chair, and he stared at her for a moment before placing floury hands on his ample hips. "Eat. It's not going to hurt you, and you'll feel better."

"Thanks…Someday I'll help you too," she said apologetically, and was glad that she took him up on his offer. His cooking was wonderful, and as she ate he rambled on about the village and how he got there as well as how others had gotten there (that he knew of). It was all very interesting and she listened eagerly, trying to catch some way that she could help. But his rich voice, the baby, a full stomach, and the wonderful feeling of being clean combined together to drain her energy. Before she knew it she was dozing, her head down on his hewn ashwood table. When he noticed, he gave her a warm smile.

"Tired you out with the yammering, did I? Well, you're not the first." Effortlessly, he lifted her from the chair and laid her in his bed, where she slept peacefully while he finished his cooking for the day.   

He sighed as he dried his hands, the dishes done. It was around midday, and he'd sold the last of his biscuits to a particularly lumpy goblin who'd paid him rather nicely. Or at least he thought so. Every time the goblins came back, they wanted greater quantities of his food to carry back. Though he was proud that everyone liked his cooking so much, he could only manage so much a day…~Maybe if when they came they'd bring the ingredients…so I could buy them then and not have to worry about sending someone on the trip for me…now there's an idea…~ His thoughts were interrupted as a rather excited B-type mage stuck his head in through the window.

"Oh, look at this, Mr. 44! Ya gotta see it!" He tilted his head curiously and ambled over to the window.

"What do I have to see, 111?" Eyes shining, the mage hefted a rather large, grey-mottled egg up to the window sill. 

"Wow! Where did you get that?!" 

"From a mama chocobo…I've been watching her for a long time, but she stopped moving today…" Mr. 33 answered softly from outside, not content to let his friend do all the showing. "I was kind of sad, thinking of the egg all alone like that…" Mr. 44 scratched his head.

"That really is too bad…the poor thing…So what are you going to do with it? You…uh…don't want me to cook it, do you?" he asked, not so keen about the idea. To his relief Mr. 111 looked insulted.

"No way! But…um, see, the deal is that we don't know what to do with it and wondered if you had any ideas. No one's really found a good answer yet…" he said, giving 44 a hopeful look. But think as he would, he couldn't think of a single reasonable thing to do with an abandoned egg that seemed okay. ~I don't think it's really stopped, exactly…so we shouldn't bury it…~ Then his eyes lit up.

"Shorah's here, but she's asleep. Since she's a human and she's lived longer…maybe she'd know." Mr. 111 frowned.

"The human girl? I dunno, Mr. 44…she hurt Mr. 288 like that…and what good have humans done us so far anyway…" he said doubtfully. "She…she wouldn't hurt us, would she?" Mr. 44 shrugged uncomfortably.

"I don't think so. She hasn't hurt anyone since then, and I think she's really sorry. I know she's sad because she makes us uncomfortable. I mean, 163 gave her new clothes, and that says something, right? You know how much trouble he had with her being here at first…" Mr. 111 hugged the egg to his chest gently, considering. Mr. 33 touched his shoulder softly.

"111? If there's a chance, I'll take it. You don't have to go inside if you don't want to…" he offered, his voice naturally gentle. Mr. 111 stiffened and looked affronted.

"W-well, it's not that I'm scared, it's just…well…okay, but if anything weird happens we're going to leave, okay?" he said, studying the egg as a silver blush tinged his cheeks. 44 smiled at them both.

"Fair enough. Go around and come in…I'll wake her up." They nodded silently and he made his way back to her bed. He felt kind of sorry for waking her up—she looked so much more relaxed and peaceful. Maybe it was just that she was clean. "Shorah? Hey, come on, wake up…" he said, shaking her arm gently. Her eyes opened a bit, and then she blinked when she realized that she was in bed.

"Where am I? What happened?" she asked, tired but surprised. He smiled at her. "You fell asleep, so I put you in my bed." She winced.

"Oh, geez…I am so, so sorry, really…light but I've been a rude guest," she moaned, rubbing her eyes.

"No, you're just tired. I took a while to get on track too after I came to the village, and I'm sorry I woke you up…but there's something I wondered if maybe you could help us with…" he asked apologetically. To his surprise, her eyes lit with determination.

"Sure, what can I do?" she asked, sitting up carefully. He turned and motioned for 111 and 33 to come closer. They did so, looking rather dubious. 

"This is Shorah, 56's egg, if you will. Shorah, this is 111 and 33. They have a problem for you," he introduced, and stepped out of the way. They stared at her for a moment, suddenly unsure of what to say. He waved his hands at them, encouraging them to speak. 33 finally stepped forward, the egg now carefully cradled in his arms.

"Um, hi…we've got an egg," he said, and then stopped. She gave them an amused look, and 44 struggled not to laugh at his brother's difficulty. ~It's really not funny. It's really not…~

"Yes, sweetie, you do have an egg…" she said with a smile. 33 looked at her warily, somewhat taken aback by her speaking. "That's a pretty big egg, too. Did it belong to a chocobo?" He nodded. "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"No! She…ah…she stopped, and so I thought…you know…"he said shyly, shifting his feet. 

"Are you wanting to know what to do with it? I mean, do you wanna hatch it?" 

"Can we?" 111 asked, finally speaking up, a hopeful look in his luminous eyes.

"Well, if there's a baby in it you might could. Have you held it up to a light yet?" They both shook their heads. "You've gotta put a bright light behind it, and then you'll be able to see if there's a baby or not." 

"Oh…okay…well then let's see…Mr. 111, you wanna help?" 33 asked. The B type mage nodded, and she blinked as he formed a neat fireball in his palm, which he made progressively hotter until it glowed white. Mr. 44 couldn't help but wish that they'd done it outside, since it was most definitely heating up his hut as well. When it was bright enough, Mr. 33 held the egg in front of it. "Like this?" he asked uncertainly.

"…Yeah," she answered after a moment, still surprised with seeing them do magic. "Hold it still…oh, look…" she said with a smile.

"What? What is it?" 33 asked, trying to angle his head around to see.

"Yep, there's a chocobo in there, and it's pretty far along, too. You might wanna put out that flame before you cook it, honey…" With a gasp 111 winked his fireball out. 33 hugged the egg delicately to him, smiling despite himself. 44 couldn't help but smile as well…it was kind of infectious.

"S-so…how do we keep it warm?" 111 ventured. 

"Well, you'll have to build it a nest, and some kind of enclosed coop so that the snakes and hawks and whatnot don't get after it and the warmth stays in. You'll need a really hot light and a fan to disperse the heat. And you'll have to rotate it twice a day," she explained.

"Yeah, I saw the mama chocobo rolling it around all the time in her nest…" 33 remembered.

"Wow, that sounds like a lot of work. We'd have to hurry, 'cuz it can't stay cold for too long…" 111 mused. 

"Well, the work won't be a problem. I'm sure everyone will be excited about having a chocobo and would help…And you know 55 will, since he likes building things so much. It'd be like giving him a treat," 44 chuckled. 

"Can I help too?" she asked, almost timidly.

"Don't see why not…"111 answered. He gave her a considering reappraisal, and after a moment offered her his hand. With a smile she shook it, and before long there was a new sense of purpose in the village.

She smiled at the sunset as she slowly picked her way to 163's item shop, bone-tired but content with her day. The construction, as 44 predicted, went surprisingly fast. She had never seen such a bonded group of people who worked so well together. They also didn't seem to have much of a sense of personal space, always hovering very close to one another. ~Maybe it's because of all the hard stuff that they all went through…~ In her mind she was slowly moving to consider the mages that attacked Citta as 'those', intrinsically unlike the ones in the village. ~But they're one and the same…I wonder if…if they could ever be reverted to that…~ She shivered at the thought of being at the mercy of 44 especially, since he was so big. ~He could probably make himself an imposing figure in a hurry if he wanted…~

But even those disturbing thoughts couldn't dislodge her satisfaction with how well the little chocobo house had come out. The floor had already been built earlier in the day and was intended for a hut, but it made do for a coop base in a pinch. Thin boards were set up in a frame and thick twine wrapped around the whole structure again and again. While that was going on a couple of mages threshed hay while more mixed clay mud in a pit near the pond. That was hauled up and mixed with the straw, then fired to make a fairly sturdy wall. She had to acknowledge that she hadn't helped as she wanted since she couldn't breathe like before and she was easily tired. Even so, she'd been able to wrap twine for a while and had a wonderful time mixing mud (wearing her old wet dress, of course) for the hour or so before 163 saw and positively shrieked about what she must be doing to her legs. ~Right when I was getting to know Mr. 239 and Mr. 78, too…~ She was a little shocked at his outburst since he'd been so shy and polite before, but she was touched in a weird way. After washing up again, she had to be content to watch. Under 55's patient guidance the roof went up and a fan was installed under the waterwheel. 123 even cut a cute little chocobo into the door. All in all it fit very well into the adorable, crafty home that they'd set up for themselves, even if it lacked the traditional wide smile that they seemed to think essential for every other building in the village. ~They didn't talk to me very much…but it's a start, I guess.~

When she reached the item shop, 163 was scrawling something on his doorpost. 

"Whatcha doing?" she asked casually. "You're awful big to grow anymore." He blinked at her and shook his head. 

"No no, I'm writing down the titles of the new books I got today. I have to keep track…I…um, I was writing them in a notebook, but I kind of lost it…So unless I manage to lose my entire house I should have my inventory in place, right?" He straightened his hat with embarrassment, but smiled. "Why don't you come in? You keep going at that rate and your burns will never heal," he chastised as they both entered. 

"I was just trying to help…"

"Right now you just need to rest. Mr. 56 is going to have a fit when he comes in and finds out you've been out and about. He's been worried sick about you. Sit on the counter," he ordered absently as he searched his shelf for what he was looking for. Awkwardly, she pulled herself up and got settled, a twinge in her heart for almost completely forgetting about Mr. 56 in all of the excitement. She suddenly realized that his sheets were still hanging on the clothesline. 

"He's not back yet…is that okay?" He turned to her, a medium sized bottle of burgundy liquid in his hands. 

"No, he's back. He was kind of distracted though. Went right to the cemetery…I don't think he even noticed us building…" he trailed off sadly, unstopping the bottle. A spicy, heavy scent immediately began wafting out.

"Why'd he go to the cemetery…?" 163 took a deep breath and shivered. 

"Probably to see Mr. 36." Seeing her questioning look, he reluctantly continued. "Mr. 56 and Mr. 36 came here together…but Mr. 36 s-stopped a couple days after they arrived. No one understands why we stop…Mr. 36 was the seventh…" he said quietly, studying his potion. She blinked. ~There can't be anymore than thirty mages here now…seven sure is a high number…So that's why he was so worried about me dying…~ He suddenly looked up at her, his luminous eyes unreadable. "Shorah…we've never asked a human…but do you know of anything to do…I mean, do you know about stopping?"

"Yes, I know that everything stops eventually…but beyond that not a whole lot, I guess," she said carefully, pushing her hair behind her ears absentmindedly. ~Don't wanna frighten the poor guy…~ But his eyes had grown a little wider.

"Everything? But…I don't wanna stop…it looks so scary…" he said in a tremulous voice, hands shaking as he gripped his potion. She smiled at him and placed a hand on his shoulder, wondering if their frequent use of touch would work if she gave it a try. She was surprised when he visibly relaxed, though he still bore a very disturbed expression. ~Maybe I'm getting somewhere…~ 

"No one said you had to stop soon…but someday all things do. It's like going to sleep. My mother was old and had lots of old friends who peacefully stopped, like sleeping. It's a part of life, just like being born." 

"But I wasn't ever even born…" he said softly, lifting her robes to a little above the knees where the burns ended. "None of us were."

"Oh sure you were. You became aware, right?" He nodded almost imperceptibly, studying her injuries. "Well, that's close enough, I expect. You've got a lot of books here, I see," she said, desperately trying to change the subject. 

"Yes, but I haven't had time to read them all, that's for sure…I'm still kind of learning how to read…and there's so much I don't understand. But someday I hope I can read all of them…" he said wistfully. She smiled at him, feeling sympathetic. ~I always wanted to learn more too, but Papa never thought much of girls getting an education…~

"You'll get to them in time. I see you've got several poetry books here."

"Yeah, but I don't make much sense of a lot of it…er, Shorah…"

"Hm?" He looked at her with imploring eyes and twisted his hands. 

"This is going to h-hurt…But it'll heal a lot and even take away a lot of the scarring…I mean, the worse ones are gonna stay some, but…geez, I'm so sorry…" She gripped the sides of the counter and set her teeth.

"S'okay. Go ahead," she said firmly. He gave her a last apologetic look before beginning as gently as he could. She couldn't help but whimper for all that she didn't want to further upset him. The stuff was burning and freezing at the same time, and she was almost certain as her eyes teared that he was channeling ice into it. 

"…I'm real sorry…" he whispered, and she could have sworn that she saw silver in his bright eyes.

"Distract me…" she gasped. "You know what haiku is…?"

"No…" he said, a slightly desperate edge to his voice. 

"Poem. 3 lines. First line 5 syllables, second seven, five last…" she grit out.

"Er…you first…"

"Dear gods you're supposed to be distracting me!"

"Well you'll be distracted if you come up with one right?!" Her mind raced, trying to think of anything, anything better than the incredible pain covering her lower body. ~The baby…~

"My…child…er…is born pink…with closed fists and eyes of…clover damn that's too long...pine…pine's good…third line third line…like an apple blossom… there...your turn now…" she grit out. 

"Er…I'm not sure I understand that Shorah…!"

"Just try!" 

"Feathery snow falls on blooming chrysanthemums I will not pick them!" he spun out quickly, his voice rather panicky, and with his final line the magical quality of her healing ceased. She gasped, trying to regain her breath as she adjusted to a less extreme level of pain.

"T-that was really cute…r-really good…much better than me…you're a natural, 163…" she panted, and opened her eyes, not realizing they were closed before. To her surprise, he was covering his face, his entire body shaking. "Mr. 163…are you okay…?" He shook his head.

"I ~hate~ doing that! I hate hurting people like that even though I have to because I know more about medicine than anyone here and everyone always asks me to do the things that hurt!" he choked out. She whimpered inwardly, a part of her afraid and small because he was the same, because he'd been helping her and she'd upset him. ~Now probably isn't the best time to point out that he offered…it's probably more than that anyway…~

"Oh come on, it wasn't so bad. Look, look how much better it is now…"she whispered, shocked even as she pointed it out. Despite a few thick scars that refused to disappear completely, her legs were smooth. The potion tingled madly where it hadn't been fully absorbed, perhaps still at work. He looked at it cautiously, but the fact that he'd done so well didn't seem to help. Lost for what to do, and remembering her earlier success with touch, she gripped his shoulders and pulled him closer. Gently she put her arms around him and rubbed his back, resting her head on his chest. She was surprised at how good it felt to lean against him, how tired she really was. "Shh, don't cry…you've helped me, you've all helped me so much and I'd be stopped too if you didn't help me…it must have been hard for you because you saw me at my worst but you still helped me…And I still haven't managed anything for you but I will…I will…" she promised fervently, her voice catching in her throat as struggled against her tears in a losing battle. "Just don't cry…it's okay that you hurt me a little…it's okay since I'm b-better now…" 

Slowly, as though unsure, he brought his arms up and hugged back. She regained her composure and rested against him, confused. ~Every time I want to think that they're adults…~ They seemed so smart, able to do so much for themselves—that much she'd seen from just a couple of days. She had thought sure that this 163, with all of his books and his medicine, was an adult. Or at least close…~But then over something like this, he's completely undone…and 56, who's capable of trading and caring for someone sick, was frightened to tears just speaking to me? No thoughts at all about intruding on someone who is naked…and does anyone here really understand death…? Less than a year old…and he's holding me like…like a child clinging for support…~ She frowned, unsure of what to make of the drastic imbalance in the midst of his gentle warmth and the Torre digging into her chest.

"Are you okay now…?" he asked softly. She nodded against him and then pulled back. 

"How about you?" He nodded as well, his eyes fixed on the floor. She reached out a hand and touched his cheek, brushing away the dampness with her thumb. ~Baby soft, just like Mr. 288 was…~ "Thank you. I mean it." He shrugged some.

"I'll go get Mr. 56's sheets for you…and put them in his hut. Okay?" he whispered, and without waiting for a response he turned and left. She sighed, perturbed. ~Did I just do something really wrong…?~ Unable to think of anything else to do, she decided to go and meet Mr. 56 at the cemetery and maybe cheer him up better than she'd just done for Mr. 163.

Mr. 288 gave his silent companion a sideways worried frown that went unnoticed. The sun had sank nearly completely, and the mosquitoes were out with a vengeance. A part of him desperately wanted to beg his brother 56 to get on with his life while he still had it, but the other part was too afraid to tell what he knew and suspected. ~Am I really any better than him, anyway…?~ he thought to himself, peering at a firefly as it crawled from beneath a rotting leaf. ~It's not as though I don't spend a lot of time here too…~ He shivered as a night wind caught him and blew his hat askance. ~I think the season autumn is coming…~ The thought of the death, the slow withering that would begin soon, didn't help his mood any. ~I wonder how many more of us will be gone by then…~ 

It hurt unbearably, being the only one who somewhat understood the world around him, the only one to know the truth about death and their life spans. ~But if I told, what good would it do? Everyone would be scared, and they'd waste their time worrying…the joy would be gone…and we wouldn't build things like the chocobo house anymore…~ As much as it hurt to keep it in, he couldn't imagine living in the pit of depression that the village would become if it were let out. ~Everyone's filled with excitement and curiosity now…why destroy that…?~ Even though he knew, at least he could be buoyed by everyone else's strength and happiness, by all of the new discoveries. Without those things, he was certain that they'd stop even sooner than their short time allowed. ~But still…doesn't everyone have a right to know? Am I lying to them by not saying anything? What if there's things they'd want to do before they stop and because I didn't say something they never got to do them…~ He reached up and rubbed his dry, burning eyes with his left hand before he could remember how sore that shoulder still was. ~If only I could sleep…I don't want them to ever feel like this…~

His thoughts were interrupted by the appearance of the girl Shorah. ~Gods, she could have killed me…and I was prepared to let her…~ He shuddered.

"Evening, boys…" she said casually, though she looked a bit shaken. Mr. 56 was suddenly freed from his deep thoughts.

"Sh-shorah! What are you doing out of bed…you can't let everyone see you!" he cried, gripping her shoulders. She chuckled wryly.

"Folks have been seeing me all day." 

"What?! Well…did it go okay…? No one was mean to you, right?" he said anxiously, looking her over. 

"No, everyone was…was so nice to me that I couldn't believe it…" she said quietly. "Look…163 even gave me one of his old robes…" 288 couldn't help but smile at 56's obvious worry and confusion. ~It's good that he's distracted…~

"163 did? And he wasn't short with you, was he?" She shook her head.

"He was a perfect sweetheart, and he even healed my legs up. They look much better now…still some scars, but definitely better." She lifted the blue robes and proved her words.  Even 288 was astonished. ~Wow, he's getting a lot better at that…~ But 56 still appeared unconvinced that she hadn't run into harm.

"And you didn't run into 192, did you?" 

"Don't think I met him…" she mused. "Though there were a few I didn't catch the names of…"

"Oh you'd know it if you ran into him…Shorah, he…um…he's really worried about you being here…so if you see him don't be too mad…he might be kind of mean…" 56 explained awkwardly. 288 frowned. He'd heard that there was a problem in every village, and though he didn't think 192 was exactly a problem…he certainly raised… issues…so to speak. That didn't change anyone's love for him, but… ~Maybe it's just because he's so loud and vocal when he has something to say, and everyone else is so much more reserved…~ Despite 192's…er…sense of self, he couldn't help but think it a little cruel that the spirited mage was sometimes referred to as a Black Waltz in disguise.

She looked slightly worried.

"He wouldn't attack me, would he?"

"Oh no, I don't think so…just watch for him, you know?" She nodded, running a hand over her round belly. 

"So…are you coming back to the hut anytime soon? I…um, I washed all of your sheets, since I'd gotten them kind of dirty…" she said, kicking an invisible rock. 56 turned to her, astonished.

"Wow…you didn't have to do that…thanks…" he said, as though unsure of how to respond. She shrugged, embarrassed. He looked back at the graves for a moment. "I was just coming to see Mr. 36…" 

"Yeah, Mr. 163 told me about him." 56 looked uncomfortable for a moment.

"Well…it's not forever, right? When he wakes up again and starts going, I'll just wash him off in the pond. I don't think any of us really know why we're supposed to bury them…" he said pensively. She stared at him, a pained expression in her eyes. 

"Um, I don't think…" she started cautiously. ~Oh gods no!~ He did everything not to shout at her, sudden panic smothering him. He caught her eyes and tried to plead with her without words, hoping she'd understand. To his desperate relief, she tried to make amends. "I don't think…you really ~have~ to bury them…some cultures put them underwater or something like that…" she saved, and sounded convincing. She looked at him, a strange expression in her features, and he broke eye contact. ~I'm sorry…I'm sorry…I'm sorry I asked you to lie too…~ he whimpered inwardly, his hand trembling as it gripped his staff. 

"So…56, I'm sorry for being such a burden, and I want to thank you for everything that you've done for me. I'm gonna start by giving you back your bed," she said firmly. He looked stunned.

"But…but you can't sleep on the floor!"

"No, but I can find somewhere else to sleep."

"Um…where did you have in mind?"

"I haven't quite got to that yet." 

"But it's no problem for you to stay with me…" he said, sounding almost forlorn.

"I'm an inconvenience to you and everyone else here, and I know that…" she said gently, a hand resting over her pendant. "I've got to make do for myself again soon anyway." He looked affronted.

"Okay, we'll argue about this while we eat supper at 44's…Come on, you've got to be hungry…" She let herself be pulled to the path leading out of the cemetery, obviously surprised by his sudden determination. 

"Um, Mr. 288? Aren't you going to turn in and get something to eat?" she called over her shoulder, a worried note in her voice. He looked up and shook his head with as much of a smile as he could muster.

"No, I believe I'm going to stay here and think for a while…"

Author's notes: Oh yeah that was long ^^;; I was going to break it into two but it just didn't flow right. I realize this chapter might seem a little rambly, but I do have a point in mind. Believe it or not this whole fic is outlined already, so please stick around ^_^ As always, feedback is appreciated… Next chapter: Zidane and co. show up for their first visit to the BMV ^o^


	5. All I Ask of You

Author's Notes: Eh heh, it's long? I figure this fic isn't quite rated R yet, but it will be soon. Rated PG-13 for themes that are a little suggestive, and slight violence. Please R&R—I really appreciate it! It helps me know what people want to see more of ^_^.

Disclaimer: Though I own a kawaii Vivi plushie, I do not own Final Fantasy IX ^^;;.

How Fair This Place

By Bmv no Miko

Chapter 5: All I Ask of You

Mr. 123 gave a sigh of contentment as he finished his song. He wasn't sure where he'd picked it up, but it always made him feel better, took his mind off the humans. He spun the small blue and silver scroll-worked flute between his fingers, humming a nonsense melody. If he didn't think about the nightmares about the flute, playing it was pretty enjoyable. The whole village had quieted at noon since the sun was so hot. Most of the mages were inside their huts or one of the several shops, having lunch or just enjoying a respite from the heat. ~But it's just so pretty out…~ Mr. 288 said that the air would get cooler soon, but right then it didn't feel like it. He pulled on his collar, trying to let some air into his coat. ~If only the sun didn't burn us so easily…I wonder what it's really like to feel the sun on your bare skin…~ He leaned against his hut and lazily shaded his eyes as he looked up at his eaves. Part of the straw roof was coming down and needed repair. He closed his eyes. ~Totally unmotivated today…~ He could hear familiar footsteps coming his way, and after a moment he elected to greet his friend and traveling companion.

"Hi 24," he mumbled.

"Gee, aren't we busy today?" the type A mage teased as he took a seat on an overturned crate labeled 'Ghysahl Pickles: Handle with Care'. 123 opened one eye to take in the presence of the other mage, the sun dappling him through the canopy of the forest. 

"Not like you're doing anything either…"

"Well, I drew a cute picture for the chocobo house…that's something, right? More than you from the looks of it, anyway. Are you going to go in and eat anytime soon?"

"Mm. And I suppose you drew it with ~my~ art supplies?"

"Maybe," 24 answered, though it was clear what the answer was.

"You need to get your own…those things are expensive, ya know?"

"Oh, get over it. I'm not drawing all the time like you, just every now and then." 123 huffed, but didn't deign to answer. "Hey, look at this…" Piqued by the interested tone in his friend's voice, 123 opened both of his eyes. "It's that human girl. You wanna talk to her?" The girl in question was making her way from Mr. 44's hut to the item shop.

"No way. If Mr. 56 wants to deal with her and get stabbed, that's his lot," he said, affecting to be careless. ~I can't…I can't think about what we did to the humans…~

"Oh, stop it. She helped with the chocobo house, and she was the one who told 111 and 33 how to take care of the egg," 24 chided. 

"I'll believe she's not a problem when that egg hatches. I mean, I hope it does, just like everyone else…but…doesn't it seem weird to you that she wants to help us out? Think about it. And I feel like I've heard that name, somewhere before…and somehow I just can't like its connection," he said, frowning.

"I know, me too…" 24 said glumly. "But you're just…just no fun." 

"Well, there's something for you to see," 123 mused, pointing at Mr. 192 with his flute as it appeared that his path would cross with that of the human . "Maybe we should call her here after all before…" But it was too late. The tall B type absolutely bristled at the sight of her and moved to block her path, his robes flowing. He had a fluid, energetic quality to his movement, as though he could never be tired. 24 half rose from his seat.

"You don't think he'll hurt her, do you?" he asked anxiously. 123 didn't answer as 192 began a rather loud clarification of his opinion on her presence in the village. ~Must he always be so loud?~

"You might think that you're welcome here but it'd probably be best for you to be on your way as soon as you can if you catch what I mean," the tall mage said, his voice trembling with contained anger. She gave him a shocked look, but did not back down. 

"I'm quite well aware about how much I'm a burden here, and I'll be on my way soon. In the meantime, I've done nothing so awful to you, I don't think," she said defiantly. 123 and 24 stared at one another. ~No one's ever really talked back to him…~ Sure enough, her demeanor only riled the grumpy mage even more. He pointed a graceful, shaking gloved finger at her face.

"I…will…_never_…forgive you, or your people, for what you've done to me, to us!" he seethed. She seemed taken aback, but recovered quickly. 

"Yeah, well then maybe I'll never forgive you for this!" she shot back, pulling her robe up past her knees to show many faded scars. 123 swallowed and felt his blood run cold. The fire seemed to fly out of Mr. 192 in a hurry. He dropped his arm and stared at her, a stunned expression in his luminous eyes, then shook his head and walked past her without a word. With halting movements, she dropped her robes and stared at her bare feet, one hand over her belly. 

"Hey, come see!" 24 called, startling both her and 123. She gazed at them for a moment, then slowly turned toward them and began walking, head down. 

"24, are you sure?" he muttered softly, but she was already before them.

"Wow, that was something! You talking to Mr. 192 like that…" 24 gushed, forgetting to worry about speaking to a human. She shook her head, her face pale.

"I-I  shouldn't have done that…it wasn't kind of me…I'm sorry…" She twisted her hands and kept her eyes on the ground. 

"Are you kidding?" 24's eyes were wide. "192 is big and…and loud. He stalks around all the time looking mean and he got here all by himself. He ~builds weapons~ for God's sake!" 123 put a hand on his friend's shoulder to quiet him. It took him a moment to put together what he wanted to say. 

"Do you…," he took a breath and clutched his flute, "Um…what I mean to say is…did we…you…your home…" He swallowed and straightened his hat awkwardly. It wasn't so easy a question to ask after all. She knelt before him in a smooth movement, and he shied back involuntarily as she fixed him with an earnest gaze. 

"Yes, my home and family are gone because of black mages." He heard Mr. 24 gasp beside him as he finally understood the implication of what she'd said to 192. 123 closed his eyes, the pain that burned in the back of every aware black mage's heart filling his chest. He felt like he might burst with shame. ~I'm so tired of facing this every day…gods…why do I have to think about this all the time?! Why can't I just push it back like the others…~ "But what's to be done for it? You didn't mean to do anything…I know that. It's hard to deal with, hard to understand for me…S-sometimes I'm so angry…but what's to be done for it? Humans vying for power used you…so I can understand why he's so mad. What I said wasn't kind…"she trailed off. 

"H-how come you're s-staying here, then…aren't you afraid?" Mr. 24 asked, his voice hushed. 

"I was…at first. But you've all been so nice to me, that I just can't_" But she was cut off at the sudden appearance of Mr. 56. 

"Geez, I heard him all the way across the village!" The type A dropped to his knees in an ungainly manner and patted her over nervously. "He didn't hurt you did he?! He sounded so mad that I just…" She fended off his onslaught and rested a hand on his shoulder, a gentle smile lighting her eyes. 

"I'm okay, 56…look, I'm fine. Honey, you've got to stop worrying so much over me! I'm a big girl you know. Don't you ever do anything but worry about one thing or the other?" He looked hurt and somewhat insulted.

"Well, I'm sorry! It's just that…" he trailed off, gazing at his large hands. 

"Yeah, me too. I'm not even halfway through the day and I've already said several things I shouldn't have said. You people are going to just ~love~ me before this is over with," she said with a sarcastic grin. 123 watched with fascination as she touched her rescuer's cheek. ~She looks very forgiving…~ The expression on Mr. 56's face was something almost unreadable to him, but it was very important somehow and he couldn't help but wish he understood it. How strange that a human should bring it out. ~If someone could understand it, maybe 56 wouldn't be so sad anymore…~ 

He stared at her smile, at the kindness in her eyes, and wondered why in the world he was thinking of Mr. 36. He nuzzled at her hand experimentally before he could stop himself. She raised her eyebrows a little, her hand flinched, but she didn't pull back. Miserably he realized that maybe it was because Mr. 36 used to touch his face like that. Mr. 36 used to give him a reassuring smile that way whenever he hurt inside, whenever the humans were scouting about and he was terrified for reasons that he couldn't explain. He took a deep breath and swallowed. ~Mr. 36…~ Some kind of realization, dark and heavy, was rising within him, and he dreaded the next second that might bring an understanding that he didn't wish to acknowledge.

"H-h-humans!" a panicked voice cried, snapping off his train of thought. Mr. 123 and 24 were already on their feet, eyes frightened and alert. 

"What's wrong?" he asked, disoriented. 

"It's humans in the village!" 24 said in a strangled voice. ~Oh no…not here…!~ He felt his heart drop to his shoes. He stood and yanked her up with surprising force as she looked about in confusion. "56, do you two want to get in here with us?" 24 asked as he wrenched open the door to 123's hut. 

"No, I've got to go make sure Mr. 44 knows!" he said breathlessly, and began pulling her in the direction of his hut.

"56? What's going on here? Oh, good grief, really!" she protested as she was half dragged, half pushed down the path, dust plumes coursing up behind them. He did his best to take no note of her. 44 stood in the doorway of his hut, a pensive look in his eyes. 

"Are these humans dangerous?" he asked warily, a floury rolling pin in hand.

"Dunno, better get inside," 56 answered, shoving Shorah unceremoniously into his hut. 44 looked about cautiously, determined, then backed into his hut and slowly shut the door. 56 slammed his own door with a sigh of relief, and she jerked her hand from his. Anxiously, he peered out the window, trying to see if the humans were near. His heart drummed in his chest with terror, his mind playing back to all of the times on the boat that they'd nearly been found. 

"Well…I…I never!" she cried, humor and indignation lilting in her voice. 

"Please, please be quiet…" he pleaded with her, twisting his hands. She gave him an incredulous look.

"You're hiding me from my own kind?" He blinked. ~Oh yeah, she's…~ He was so caught up in making sure that they were safe that he hadn't considered that she was human and didn't have to be afraid. "Why in the world are you boys running, tripping all over yourselves like that? You're _black mages_, for light's sake!" she pointed out in exasperation. He stared at the floor.

"We don't want them to hurt us, and we don't want to hurt them…we hurt a lot of humans already…don't wanna do it anymore…they hate us…" he said in a small voice, his chest heaving for some reason. ~I feel so strange…~ She stood with her mouth open for a moment, stunned. He was surprised when he felt her arms circle around his waist in a tight hug, but could give no more than a whimper in response. Then her hands lifted to his face and gently forced him to look at her. Her eyes were all shiny, and several expressions flickered over her until she settled for something trembly and warm and somehow comforting.

"Okay, you sweetheart of a creature…light, all of you…I don't hate you… I'm going to go s-see about these humans for you, okay?" she asked in a shaky voice. He nodded mutely, unable to think of anything to say. A part of him screamed that the humans might hurt her, but he could only acknowledge it dully. She left and shut the door quietly behind her, and he could only stare. For some reason, he suddenly wanted to go to the cemetery.

The village was in a frackus. Mages that hadn't already made it inside were dashing for their huts, some falling flat on their faces in the process. Her heart drumming, she turned in a quick circle to see if she could see some of these invaders. ~Oh, what if they _are_ dangerous? What if they've come to get revenge?~ Suddenly, she heard shouts coming from the chocobo house.

"Please please _get out_!" cried 33, and he somehow managed to sound both annoyed and frightened at the same time.

"You eat egg without me!" another voice, nasal and decidedly male, accused.

"No way! We already told you that!" 111, exasperated. As she listened, she made her way to the chocobo house. The door was open, so she walked right in…and stopped.

There was a…thing…such as she had never seen before. It turned toward her, massive and pink, its lolling tongue swaying as it peered at her with button-black eyes.

"Who you? You have yummies? They rude," it said matter of factly. She could just see around it that 33 was standing on the nest, holding the egg to his chest protectively. The frame wobbled beneath him, not made to support so much weight. For a moment, she stared at the large creature, dumbfounded and unsure of what to say. 

"Shorah, make it leave—it's trying to take our egg!" 111 pleaded, twisting his hands. His voice snapped her to action.

"The egg isn't food. It has a baby in it. It's not good to eat anymore," she explained. The creature raised an eyebrow at her.

"How is no good to eat? Is nasty?" It asked suspiciously. She nodded emphatically.

"Oh yes, very nasty. Lots of feathers." 

"Hmph. I go find yummy yummies somewhere else!" it declared, and nearly bowled her over as it made its exit. She stared after it, and was aware of the two mages doing the same.

"W-what was that? Was it human?" 33 asked as he shakily began to climb down from his perch. She absently reached an arm up to help him, still looking down the path in wonder.

"I-I don't _think_ so…" she murmured doubtfully.

"Will it come back?" 111 asked, an ominous note in his voice. She had a mental image of a charred pink marshmallow. 

"I guess not, if it knows your egg isn't food…"

"Are there more humans? I mean…more people?"

"I don't know...I'm going to go see," she said, slightly dazed, and left them. ~What in the world was _that_ thing? It didn't look too dangerous…~ Carefully she made her way down the empty paths, looking left and right for more intruders. 

"Lies! All humans are liars! You're lying!" ~No mistake about that one—it's 192…~ She felt a little weak as she made her way to the synth shop. She'd never visited before because she'd been warned to stay away from the prickly black mage. The thought of facing him now was not appealing, but she feared that he might hurt whoever had wandered in, even if it was an innocent mistake. Swallowing, she opened the door to the shop. Another girl was there, a little older and much more beautiful, evidently pleading her case.

"I can't just sit here and watch while horrible things are happening!" she said vehemently. The two mages were silent. 192's eyes drew to her and narrowed, and she suddenly wished that he were in the high perch that Mr. 32 occupied rather than on the ground with her. ~But then he'd just have a good vantage point to launch a lightning bolt at me…~ Attempting to ignore him, she held her hand out for the girl to shake, which she did after a moment.

"I'm Shorah. I've been here for a little over a week," she introduced, wincing at how lame it sounded.

"I'm Dagger. We're looking for a man called Kuja…do you know anything about him?" she asked, her gaze intense. 

"I've know of him…he destroyed my village for nothing," her voice twisted bitterly, "…but I don't know where he's at right now," she said apologetically. She turned as the door opened behind her. An attractive young man bounced in, an athletic tone to his steps as his tail swished behind him. ~A _tail_?~

"Oh, Zidane…" Dagger said hopelessly, spreading her arms wide to indicate that she'd found nothing useful. 

"What's up Dagger?" he asked, a smile lighting his blue eyes to go with his wide, crooked grin.

"I was telling them why we're here, but…"

"Why _are_ we here?" he asked playfully. She swatted at him.

"Zidane!"

"Geez, it's a joke, don't get so mad…" he sulked, rubbing the back of his head.

"What's a 'joke'? Is it scary?" 32 asked dubiously.

"It's something funny!" he explained cheerfully. "Right Dagger?" he nudged, but the chestnut-haired girl did not appear to be in a mood for jokes. Mr. 192 suddenly walked in front of her with a floating grace, blocking her view.

"You're not so bad…" he said in a surprised voice. She was shocked. ~He…he's going to be nice to them…?~ She gasped as he suddenly, quietly shoved her out the door and closed it in her face without ever turning around. "So, what are you looking for, now?" he asked, actually sounding helpful. ~Well that bastard! So that's the way it is, is it?~ She had the urge to kick him, but couldn't help feeling stung for some reason. ~Well, at least they aren't dangerous.~ She squeaked with surprise as someone grabbed her arm.

"Sh-Shorah, you've gotta help me!" 163 pleaded. "I got a book on how to deal with humans, you know, how to run a shop? But I can't remember what to say and I left the book somewhere and now I can't find it!" he cried. She was surprised that he was suddenly so anxious to speak to her, considering that the time that she had they'd both wept. ~Must be necessity of the moment…~

"I don't see what you need help with. They want stuff, you sell it to them," she said with a shrug. He gave her a distressed look.

"No, there's more to it than that! What if they ask me for a 'special' or a 'usual'? I can't remember what those things are!" he exclaimed, dragging her into his shop in the process. Frantically, he began running his fingers over the spines of the books on his shelf. "Gods, why do I always have to lose my stuff?!"

"Whoa, okay 163. Sit down," she ordered. He did so, twitching his hands nervously in his lap. "Calm down. They're not here to hurt anything, I don't think. They're humans, like me. You've dealt with me several times now, right?"

"Yeah, but I never expected to sell anything to you! I…I want to be able to go out among humans someday…" he confessed, suddenly quiet and embarrassed. "I don't want them to think I'm stupid…" She sighed.

"If it'll make you feel better…a special is when you're selling something that you usually don't sell, or when you sell something with a deal attached. Like, buy three potions and get one free, got it?" He nodded vigorously, his eyes wide. "And you won't have to worry about a usual. That's when someone comes in every time and buys the same thing. So after a while when they ask for a usual, you know it's what they always get," she explained.

"Oooh," he said, looking enlightened.

"Anything else?"

"N-no…I guess that's okay for now…" 

"Good. I'm going to see if there's anymore humans now," she said, heading for the door. 

"Um…thanks…" he called after her timidly. She smiled at him.

"Thank you too. I owe you a lot." ~If he's had so much trouble, I wonder how they're doing at the inn? This place really is in the middle of nowhere…those folks are probably going to want to stay the night.~ Since the inn was next door, she stepped right in. To her surprise, Mr. 123 was there, engaged in a speedy conversation with Mr. 234.

"When did you get here?" she asked, startling them both. They stared at her, their gaze weighted with shame. "What is it? Did something happen?"

"123 here says that we…um…that the reason you were hurt…" The large mage ran his fingers over the top of his staff with agitation. 

"I want to know what happened," 123 said, sounding as though he really didn't but couldn't help himself.

"Oh, I don't think…" She tried to evade, not wishing to speak of it herself as well as not wanting them to feel worse than they already did.

"I want to know."

"R-right now?"

"I've _got_ to know. This is something I have to hear," 123 said quietly. A sense of foreboding building in her, she awkwardly pulled herself up onto the counter. ~Oh gods, I can't refuse them because I owe them so much…this is _not_ what I planned on doing here…~ She swallowed, trying to prepare for something that she'd never wanted to think about again, dazed at having to tell it so suddenly out of the blue.

"Um, first of all I don't want you boys to take offense…I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone…" she apologized awkwardly. The silence was thick. "Okay…where to start…I don't really know what to say. It was a beautiful, clear night. Most people were asleep, but I wasn't—I was on the roof looking at stars…I saw from up there an airship land on the outskirts of our village. The next thing I knew there were explosions, and people screaming…I was kind of froze up there for a while, 'cause I didn't know what to do…I finally got the wits to wake my old foster parents…Gods, I wish I hadn't…" her voice cracked, and she couldn't look at them. "I wish I'd just let them sleep and never see it coming! I…I woke them up and told them to get out…and of course they were slow because they were so old and still didn't understand what was going on…I…I was halfway out the window when the house exploded…my legs were burned from it and I was thrown a long way…I should have let them go first! I should have pushed them out the door…" She covered her face and wept, her shoulders shaking with humiliation that she had to tell them this, misery and self-loathing. "Instead I crawled up to the hill and… and watched our house burn…Light, my old parents burned to death and I w-watched it! To live all that time and burn to death!" She shuddered with the horror of it, the memory that she'd stamped back playing itself out in shattering definition. "There were so…so many black mages…doing the same to other houses…a man with silver hair…Kuja the destroyer…it had to be a practice run for him…for nothing! All for nothing…Oh…I want my family back! I'm sick of following this…this stupid trinket!" She yanked it off her neck and flung it across the room in misguided anger. An uninvited twinge immediately balled in her chest from its loss. "I want to go home…" she whimpered miserably, hating how weak she sounded, hating how she hurt them with her memory, hating how she wanted something that was impossible to have. "I wanna go home…" 

She was surprised when a rose-soft cheek pressed against her own. 

123 stood like that for a moment, taking in her shuddering breaths and the dampness of her tears, trying to calm the aching pain in his chest and be a little stronger.

"I'm sorry…I'm so, so sorry…" he said thickly, his voice cracking, his large hands resting on her knees. "I didn't mean to…I didn't mean to make you cry…I didn't mean to hurt anyone…" He rubbed his cheek against hers, trying to convey his sorrow, his sincere apology, trying to make her feel better. His whole body trembled as tears leaked from his eyes, and he moaned inwardly. ~S-so much for being brave…~ "E-even…even if I'm sorry…even if…even if I didn't mean to hurt anything….I-I still did…we still did…" He swallowed. "And that's why humans h-hate us…and why we're so…s-scared of them…be-because we can't do anything about that…" He took her hands and shuddered as he felt how much smaller they were than his, how helpless this little human and all the others must have felt in the wake of the unfeeling black mage army. "Please…" he whispered, screwing up his courage to ask for something that he could never deserve, "Please…please forgive me…" He felt her sharp intake of breath and tried hard to swallow the lump in his throat, clutching her hands to his chest. "I can't _be_ any sorrier…for what I've done…for the people I hurt…please…" 

Waiting for an answer was hard, too hard after he'd agonized about it every day since he could remember. He had an unbearable urge to flee in shame. After what seemed like ages, he felt a hand on the back of his neck. Weak, trembling, it rubbed in small circles. Still he waited, and when no answer came, it felt as though something in the very center of him constricted, and he could take no more. Hardly able to breathe, he yanked back from her. ~She can't…!~ Knees trembling with the sheer weight of his misery, he began to back away. Tears blurred his eyes.

"I'm sorry!" He cried, voice strangled, and fled the inn for the safety of his hut, where he wouldn't have to face her or the new humans in the village or any humans ever. 

She stared after him, feeling shocked and numb, missing his warmth. Her voice seemed to refuse to come as her mouth worked, trying to implore him to come back. Distressed, she turned to the other mage for help, for some sign of understanding. He seemed to want to look at anything but her as he clutched the top of his scrollworked staff. She shook her head, unable to believe how wrong everything had gone.

"I…I…" She tried to explain, her voice tight. The big mage shook his head sadly.

"It always got to him so much…he dwells on it so much…I know it's true, what we did…" He finally turned soft, shiny eyes to her. "Isn't that nice of him…when so many of us try so hard to forget what we really are…? I…I'm sorry, too…but I'm afraid to think about it… afraid to face it…I don't know much about what's right or wrong…but isn't it good of him to feel sorry like that…? I'm not sure what I'm saying…I'm probably not making sense…" 234 murmured. She trembled, digging her fingers into the countertop. 

"He's…he's so kind…that I…I never…Oh, I didn't expect to be asked something like that!" she cried in distress. "I didn't expect to have to tell all that and be asked something like that!" 

"He shouldn't have pressed you for it…" 

"I meant to forgive him…all of you…how could I not…after all this? I just…I just couldn't get it out…" she moaned, her stomach a tight knot. "I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings…" After some thought, Mr. 234 approached her and placed a soft hand on her shoulder. 

"I know…but the truth is the truth…isn't it?" he asked reluctantly.

"It's not!" she cried vehemently, surprised at how fierce she felt about the matter. "It's _not_ true, and he shouldn't have to ask me for forgiveness because none of you really did anything wrong! Kuja created and used you to hurt people! I _saw_ the mage that destroyed our home…I saw him through the doorway just before I made for the window…he was _blank_. There was _nothing_ in him, no remorse, no feeling, no enjoyment for his task…But you people are warm and alive! You're nice and kind to me even though I was difficult and you've seen to me better than anyone ever has before! He _shouldn't_ have to ask me for forgiveness!" Mr. 234 had pulled back some, shocked by the outburst. She gave him a pleading look. ~Please believe me. Please don't be so afraid of me…~ "I _like _it here…I've never felt so needed and special…and it's only been a couple of days…" she admitted softly, and felt calmed by it. He stared at her, and she looked away, unable to meet his eyes as her face grew hot. She could hear him moving, and after a moment something cool was pressed into her hands. ~A flute?~

"He dropped this…maybe you should bring it back to him…maybe you could tell him then…" 234 suggested, straightening his hat. She clutched it to her chest. ~It would be mortifying to face him after this…~ "Um…do you want this back?" Timidly, he held up the Torre, and her heart twinged and yearned at the sight of it. She nodded, and he gently replaced it around her neck, then brushed her hair back. ~I've got to take this back to him…~ Decisively, she lowered herself from the counter and gave Mr. 234 a quick kiss on the cheek. 

"Why do you all have to be so nice?" she whispered as he stood in astonishment. ~I can't even hate Mr. 192…~ As she exited the inn a tiny mage brushed past her, but she was too caught in her own emotions to notice. 

"…and then I just sat there like a fool…" she groaned, her head down on his table. He removed the kettle lid and stirred at the rice. ~Still too hard…~  Wearily he stood and scratched the back of his head, rather uncomfortable with the problem at hand. 

"So…you can forgive us all that easily? Just for being nice to you for a week? I… I didn't think humans were like that…no offense," he added quickly. 

"Oh 44, I've already told you that there's nothing to forgive…it's not you guys that did the damage…it was Kuja. If it wasn't you doing it he'd have just found someone else to," she mumbled, waving her hand at him dismissively. He sighed as the mute little Waltz snuggled up to her side, obviously trying to make her feel better. Though he felt a little nervous around this creature that was so much more powerful than him, that he thought he almost had bad memories about, he couldn't help but think it a little mean of 163 to classify One as an oddity. ~I think he's smarter than what he puts on…sometimes something is different about his eyes…I wish I knew what it was…~ He also couldn't fathom why One was so taken with Shorah—it was as though he'd adopted her. ~And I can't tell her what to do about this whole problem with 123…I wish I were more useful… that I was smart enough to do something for everyone besides cook…~ Listlessly, he stirred the chicken broth.

"Mr. 44? You're awfully quiet…"

"Just thinking…I wish I could help you, but all I can think of is to do your best and give him back his flute. He'd be lost without it…he's always playing it and he's very good…" ~Geez, that sounds like weak advice…~

"I know…" she whispered, wrapping an arm around One. "I guess I just wanted to hear it from someone else, that's all. Thanks for listening, Mr. 44." He straightened a little, surprised that he'd said the right thing. 

"Um…you're welcome…"

"I haven't managed a normal day for a long time. Do you boys ever have normal days? You know, without all of this dramatic emotional turmoil? It's kind of draining…" she declared, a faintly amused tone in her voice. He smirked as he checked the rolls. ~We do when there's not humans running around the village…~ He instantly felt a little ashamed for the thought as it wasn't entirely true. After all, he'd been one of the very few to welcome her with open arms.   

"Well…we're really young, Shorah. Lots of things are surprising to us…lots of things we don't understand, you see? It's hard to understand what 'normal' is just yet, because every day we find out something new about the world…sometimes something wonderful, sometimes something really sad…and no matter what you think…I'm sorry…but the destruction, the way the humans—maybe not you—but most of the humans feel about us…the fear of them…that's always in the background…and so's the worry about stopping…" he explained quietly, washing a few dishes to distract himself.

"I see…" she said slowly. "Thank you…I knew I came and talked with you for a reason…you're so honest and you aren't as shy as the others…" Her words made him feel strangely proud, and he chuckled despite himself.

"You think Mr. 192 is shy?" She blinked.

"Okay, so maybe _he's_ not shy, but you're so nice to me…not that Mr. 192 couldn't be! I suppose it's just a matter of winning him over…" she mused. He winced. ~Good luck with that one…~ "Say, Mr. 44? Can I…um…ask you something that might be kind of personal?" He shrugged, unable to think of anything that he would be cautious about telling. 

"Sure, why not?"

"Uh, okay…first…I'm not sure how to say this, but…how come you guys are so…I mean, when you're in a group you always stand so close to each other, and you're always touching each other. No offense, but you don't have much of a sense of personal space…like you thought it was okay to see me naked, so you must think it's okay to see each other naked…? That doesn't make you uncomfortable?" Chagrined, One pulled away from her, but she smiled and drew him back to her side. He tilted his head.

"Did we offend you?"

"No, nothing like that! I'm just curious…I want to understand more…" she trailed off, blushing. "I don't think I've met a black mage yet that hasn't touched me in one way or another, except Mr. 192…though I think he may have wanted to strangle me…" she mused with a slight smile. He frowned.

"Well, of course we see each other naked. Why shouldn't we? We aren't going to hurt each other, so why not touch? I guess…I guess it makes us feel better. I almost…well, I almost feel like I need it sometimes…" he admitted, and was surprised that he felt a little embarrassed about it. She rested her chin in her free hand and studied him, a strange look in her eyes. "What?"

"I avoided talking about it earlier because I simply didn't make the connection…at all…, but is there any…oh, hell with it…is there any sex here?" He blinked, and noticed that One straightened quickly, _that_ look in his eyes.

"What's that?" She sighed.

"Light, you might not know the word for it…okay, do you guys ever…how to ask without making a total fool of myself…do you ever get really close when you're naked?" she ground out, as though it were an effort. He stirred the soup as he stared at her. ~This is getting really weird…~

"When we bathe together we're naked and close…?"

"And does anything else happen besides bathing when you're naked like that?"

"Nooo…I mean we talk…but…what exactly are you getting at?" She sighed and rubbed her eyes as though she were tired.

"You're alive…and I don't think anything alive exists without the ability to reproduce…er, have children. You might have been created in a factory, but the very fact that you live establishes you as a part of nature…which means you have to be able to have children somehow…but I just don't see how…" He suddenly drew the connection in his head.

"So…if I've got this right…we know there has to be a mama and a daddy for anything to be born…but this naked thing, this sex, is how the baby…er…is created?" he asked dubiously.

"That's right…it just struck me as strange yesterday when all of you, whom I _assume_ to be male—and you know what they say about that—didn't think anything about seeing me with no clothes." He frowned. 

"Er, should we have thought something?" 

"Any human male would have. You boys like so much to touch…I just wondered…well, sex can be very troublesome if you don't know some things about it, and you boys, if you really are boys…no offense, but there's a lot of things that I take for granted that you don't know about…" He stared at her rounded belly.

"So you…?"

"Yes, lots of times. So many times that I don't know who this little one's daddy is," she said regretfully. "And the strange thing is that I almost don't mind. I guess I'm a lot like you, in that respect. I like to be touched, and most humans are kind of distant. Sex offers a great chance to get touched…and since all men want it it's easy. They'll even pay me for it. The part after is the best, when he falls asleep and I can lay there next to him and be warm…" She covered her face. "I'm kind of embarrassed about that, but since I asked you embarrassing things I have to admit things, too…I like touch, and feelings that come from it, but I also understand the responsibility that goes with it. I guess I just wanted to make sure that you did as well…" she said awkwardly. He sighed and hefted the pot of rice out of the fire. One stared at the table and was very still.

"Well, I'm not sure I understand, honestly. I don't know anything about this sex, and I think if anyone did the first thing they'd do is tell everyone…if you like it so much it must be something pretty nice…right?" She sat up straight and winced.

"Tell everyone, eh…? You guys are something else. Can't talk about this anymore, moving right along…why are you cooking so much?" He smiled.

"That's because…" But there was a knock at the door. "Come in," he called, and the door opened to reveal the humans that had come that day, minus the big pink thing. ~I wonder what that thing was, anyway…?~ "Welcome, come on in, have a seat…you're just in time…I just finished the rice!" he told them as they settled at his table. "I invited them to eat…figured this would be better than whatever they've been eating while they're journeying," he told Shorah, a little proud of himself. ~I hope I'm helping them out…Good thing I'm not as worried about them as everyone else…~ To his surprise, an emotion that he had never seen but was quick to identify flashed over her features. ~Is she jealous because they get to eat here too?~ He felt a little flattered, strangely pleased.

"It is most kind of you to invite us to your abode for dinner," Dagger thanked him cordially, nodding with respect. ~Abode?~

"Um, you're welcome…it's okay because I usually cook a lot anyway…" 

"Nice digs you've got here! You guys have been pretty helpful today. This place isn't half bad for being in the middle of nowhere, you know. We're glad we found it. Right Vivi?" Zidane asked. But, the little mage didn't answer—just stared off into space and hunched slightly over the table. His blonde friend gazed at him with barely masked concern. ~Poor little guy…he's so tiny to be one of us…I wonder why he looks so worried? Almost worse than 288…~ 

"Just a sec and I'll have your plates ready. You all must be so tired…" He tsked at their weary expressions as he made up their soup. 

"Hey little guy…I don't think I met you earlier…I was a little busy. My name's Shorah, and you're Vivi, right? Have you come to stay in the village?" The little mage sat up and straightened his hat.

"I…I don't know…I…just wanted to see others like me, but now I don't know…" he said in slight tones of distress, twisting his hands self-consciously. Dagger gave him a sideways worried look, then glanced at Zidane, who shrugged. 44 watched as the chestnut-haired girl reached over and rubbed the little mage's back for a moment, her eyes soft and compassionate. One gazed at them, his expression wistful.  A funny feeling settled in his stomach. ~She's a human, but she's so nice to him…I wonder if we really are wrong to hide out here like this…maybe the humans really aren't so bad…~ He frowned as he fixed the last bowl. ~But there's always the bad ones, the scared ones…there's so many of those…~ The resignation lay heavy within him. ~We'll probably never get to leave this place.~ 

"I'll help you serve," Shorah offered, and he started at her sudden presence by his side. "That little one is _so_ cute! But I think he's really upset about something…" she whispered as she took a couple of bowls. 

"I know…he looks so little to be that sad…" 

"Here you go!" she said cheerfully, handing Vivi and Zidane their food. 44 put Dagger, Shorah, and One's bowls down, then began setting the rolls in a basket. Zidane stared at Shorah in an appraising manner, and 44 watched offhand with fascination.

"Wow, you've sure got a nice smile! You're a little cutie…say, I bet you know this village better than us…maybe you could show me around later…aw Dagger, don't look at me that way! She's pregnant—even I'm not that low! I'm merely…noting surroundings," Zidane finished weakly. Dagger glared at him, then gave her an apologetic look. 44 was both chilled and amused by the dark, disapproving malice that One was also flashing at the blonde newcomer.

"You must forgive him. He's capable of being quite the boor," Garnet apologized, a long-suffering note in her voice. 

"Mm, it's okay. He's not as crude as some men I've known," Shorah said matter-of-factly. 

            He couldn't help but notice how quickly they ate once they did sit down (except for the little mage, who didn't seem to have much of an appetite). ~I wonder how long they've been traveling and fighting?~ Dagger was caught between annoyance with Zidane and worry over Vivi, and the two emotions combined with her tiredness gave her a rather hard, tight expression. Zidane's eyes darted about, and despite his relaxed demeanor he looked as though something was bothering him. ~..and the little one's sunk in depression. I hope I don't get that sad when I'm that old. Something really awful must be happening out there.~ He resolved to eat slowly and enjoy his food a little more. ~It's so nice to have a home now and not have to wander around fighting and worrying…~

            "This is really great! Hits the spot after eating dried meat for days…Kind of surprised you guys learned how to cook so soon!" Zidane grinned. ~That must be why they follow him…he's so happy even though he doesn't feel well…~

            "Me too, actually…I just always seemed to be able to do it…" 44 shrugged.

            "So…was Mr. 192 helpful at all? You know, in helping you find Kuja?" Shorah casually asked no one in particular.

            "The tall one in the Synth Shop? Yes, he really was glad to help us—actually, he pointed out Mr. 144, who thinks he knows which way Kuja went. Everyone here was so kind once we got to know them," Dagger answered graciously. 

            "That's true," she answered, and swirled her spoon in her bowl for a moment with a slightly hurt expression. ~I wonder why Mr. 192 is so mean to her? These are humans too…I guess maybe he's a little more complicated than I am…Kind of surprised that Mr. 144 came out…~ 

            Most of the meal passed in a companionable silence since the newcomers were so tired. They weren't rude about hurrying their dinner—it was just obvious that they would appreciate the inn when they got there. When the bowls were cleared, Shorah stood and patted One on the head. He looked vaguely annoyed by the gesture.

            "I'll clear up if everyone's finished," she offered.

            "Oh, Shorah, let me get that…" he protested, but she smiled at him.

            "No, really…it was my papa's rule that whoever cooked for everyone didn't have to wash dishes." Unsure, he slowly sat back down.

            "We'll help," said Dagger, rising.

            "No no…I've been here for a week and haven't paid for a thing yet! I've got to help out somehow," she said kindly, but firmly. "You folks look so tired…why don't you turn in for the night? I'll excuse you if Mr. 44 will."

            "Of course! I hope everyone feels better tomorrow…you should sleep as long as you need to." The guests rose and thanked them with a little embarrassment.

"Hate to eat and run, but…" Zidane said apologetically, scratching the back of his head.

"Go…get some rest!" 44 ordered. Zidane nodded with a slight smile and opened the door for Dagger. She gave him a furtive glance but didn't have the energy to scold him for his obviousness. Vivi followed her, his eyes focused somewhere far off. 

"Thanks again. I'm glad Vivi's with us so that we could meet you guys. Goodnight," Zidane said softly, and closed the door. Shorah stood at the window and watched them make their way down the path. 

"Hey 44…That Vivi isn't going to the inn…"  She began clearing the table and taking the dishes to the washbasin. 

"Hmm. I wonder what's wrong with him? You know…he's older than the rest of us…"

"Really?! But he's so little… How much older?"

"I think he's nine years old." She paused for a moment in her washing.

"Well, that's a turn-around. I'd definitely place him as a child before I did you, but you're really the child in all this…if anyone here can be called a child…" she said thoughtfully. After a moment One was at her side, and the dishes were done in no time. ~She really should have let me help…~ he thought, feeling a little guilty. 

"Well, I'd better go…I've got to find Mr. 123 and give him back his flute…" She sounded a little worried about it. He finally stood.

"You do that. I'm sure he'll be really happy," he assured softly. ~I hate to ask her when she's already worried about 123, but…~ "Um, could you do me a favor?" 

"What's that?" He frowned.

"Could you check on Mr. 56 later for me? Maybe talk to him? It's kind of weird…I mean, he always eats dinner with me, and I don't think a few humans would stop him. He hasn't been well…not because of you being here, I mean! He just…he just dwells more on the stopping than most of us…since his best friend stopped…None of us understand stopping, but anyone can see that 56 must really have liked Mr. 36 a lot…I think he's just really worried…if you have time…could you, do you think, try to make him feel better?" He stared at the tabletop. ~I wonder if I said too much…~ She laid a hand over his.

"I'll do my best. I'll try, okay?"

She wished that she hadn't eaten so much soup as she made her way to 123's hut. Her stomach was a tight ball of nerves. ~I wish I could have said something to him…I can just imagine what he thought…I wonder if he'll even speak to me…I wish I knew him better…~ Still, she couldn't help but feel as though his actions earlier said a lot for his personality. ~Mr. 234's right…he must be so kind that he hurts himself…feeling bad like that for what he did to other people that can't be helped now anyway…~ She swallowed as she reached his door. ~What if he's asleep? It's a little early yet…but what if I wake him up…~

"What are you doing there?" She nearly jumped out of her skin as Mr. 192 suddenly appeared behind her, his hands on his hips.

"I…I have Mr. 123's flute…and I thought…"

"And why do _you_ have his flute, eh?"

"H-he dropped it while we were talking…in the inn…so I'm bringing it back…" She tried to explain, unable to shoot him down as she had before. He seemed to tower over her.

"Well then, what's the problem?"

"I…I just didn't want to wake him up or—," She cut off with a squeak as he strode forward and rapped sharply on the door. 

"W-what?" a soft voice asked thickly from inside. 

"It's the human girl—she's got something that's yours," he said shortly. Rustling could be heard coming from inside, and he turned to her with a smirk of malicious amusement. "You're still afraid of me, aren't you, little human? I hope you remember what we're capable of—maybe that'll make you people think twice about using us again." She didn't want to give him the satisfaction, but she couldn't help but tremble a little at the power she could feel within him.

"I didn't mean to say what I did earlier…it wasn't nice of me…" she apologized miserably. 

"Oh, I imagine you _did_ mean it." Mr. 123 slowly opened the door and leaned against the frame, his head bowed so that she couldn't see his eyes. "Well, here we go. You just explain how much you didn't mean anything to Mr. 123 here," he said, giving her a slight push forward before he abruptly turned on his heel and left. She stared after him, trying to swallow the lump in her throat. ~No, can't think about him right now…~ Her careful entrance completely dashed, she turned with trepidation to Mr. 123.

"Um…here…I have this," she said quickly, holding the flute out to him as her face burned. "You dropped it." He reached out a large, shaking hand and took it.

"Thanks," he whispered. A strange, tight feeling settled in her chest as he tried to compose himself, then shook his head. "Sorry, I can't…" he began, then cut off with a soft sob and quickly shut the door.  She stared dumbly at the closed door, her whole body cursed with a sudden heaviness. ~Oh, don't do this to me…please…~ She rested a trembling hand on the doorknob and wondered if she dared further invade his privacy and make his day any worse. 

"Please…" she whispered, desperately, then raised her voice with considerable effort. "Please…I need to talk to you…" Her stomach twisted when her voice cracked at the end.  

"It's okay…I u-understand how you feel…pl-please just…just go away for now…I don't feel like talking…" She swallowed and noted that he sounded about as upset as she felt. But his words emboldened her a little.

"I can't go away because you don't understand how I feel…you left before I could say anything…" There was no answer from within, and once again she felt sick with the choice between simply walking in or creeping away in shame and despair. But after a moment, the door slowly opened a crack. He met her eyes for only a moment, but it was enough. Within her something snapped, and all she could feel was how much she wanted to take care of him and love him and every other kind, forgiving, strangely innocent mage in the village. At that moment, her love even expanded to 192, who'd gone out of his way to make her uncomfortable. She was bewildered with the strangeness of the emotion, but it was whole and complete. 

She slowly but firmly pushed the door open, giving him a chance to resist. He stepped back as though he didn't have the energy to stop her. Quietly, she shut the door.

"Can we sit on your bed here?" she asked in a choked whisper. He slowly sat, as though expecting something truly awful, and covered his face with his large hands. She sat close to him gingerly, every muscle tense, very aware of his heat and the used tissues strewn about the small room. She found herself speechless again, unsure of what to say in the presence of his sorrow and her burgeoning emotion. ~Oh, I have to say something! To be quiet only makes it worse…!~

"I…I didn't mean what I said. I mean…oh, I didn't mean what I didn't say?" She groaned inwardly.

"I t-told you…It's o-okay for you to feel like you do…" he whispered miserably through his hands and sniffled. She scooted closer to him and put a trembling arm around his shoulder, immensely relieved when she wasn't rebuffed.

"I didn't feel well when you asked me…I wasn't thinking straight because of my memory…Sweetie, you shouldn't have to ask me for forgiveness for something that you didn't even know you were doing." He shook his head.

"That's not the point! I still did it, whether I was controlled or not, whether I was in a trance or not…" He finally lifted his face and turned his bright, shimmering eyes to her. She cringed at the raw pain there. "I did it…I killed people…And because of…I…I sit here living at home in this village when people like you don't have a home, maybe because of me!" He wept quietly, his shoulders shaking. She could only stare and let him speak. "You know…there _was_ a degree of awareness while I…when I was doing that…I just didn't understand anything…I didn't think of the spells as _my_ spells…it was only when I realized that I was the one doing those things that I…But even though a lot of that is a blur, there are things that stand out, that I remember! I remember running a little human through with ice and watching it stop without understanding anything while it cried!" he cried, his voice harsh with self-loathing. She shuddered, one hand straying to her stomach absently as the horrible image filled her mind. "So don't tell me that it wasn't me, that it wasn't my fault! You can't tell me that!" ~Oh light…~

 She felt more nauseated than before. ~I knew…I knew they did these things…I knew I knew oh God I can't let this change anything because he's so sorry and it _was_ Kuja that made them do that…It was…oh light, he didn't mean to hurt anything and he has these awful things in his head and he's not even a year old…~ Her hatred for Kuja increased, if such a thing were possible, and she pulled him to her. It was a little awkward since he was taller than her, but she felt it important because touch went so far with them, and because she needed it as well. 

"Hush, that's enough," she whispered. He whimpered, but did not pull away. "Sounds like you didn't want to do those things after you figured out what you were doing." He shook his head miserably. "You know, a very young human is just like you were when you weren't aware. They can walk, but they don't understand a lot of things because they're so little and they haven't been in the world long. If I put a loaded crossbow in that child's hands and had her pull the trigger…knowing full well that she didn't understand what she was doing…so that she killed someone and I didn't have to…who's to blame?" she asked softly, rubbing his back. He was very quiet  for a moment before he slowly raised his eyes to hers, a glimmer of desperate hope shining.

"Um…are you saying…" he asked awkwardly, his voice cracking.

"Of course, I would be to blame. Of course Kuja _is_ to blame. And so, of course I forgive you your part in his awful plots, for doing things that you didn't understand because you were practically a baby. Of course I forgive you," she said thickly, and brushed some of his tears away. He stared at her, unable to speak, his whole body trembling. His hands jerkily reached up and began to fidget with his hat.

"Close your eyes," he whispered, barely audible. "I don't…I mean…I'd show you but I…this is the best I can do…" For some reason, she understood. ~He doesn't want me to see him without his hat…~ She complied, and after some rustling his head tucked under her chin and she was pushed back.  For a moment she was completely shocked. ~He can't possibly want…~ But his ungainly arms simply snuggled around her neck as he began to cry with great sobs that sounded as though they'd been held back forever. His weight was heavy and warm against her, and she lay stunned and stiff for some time as the emotion surged in her chest. ~These people are so…so strange and forward…But he doesn't mean anything…he doesn't know why something like this is strange…~ Giving an effort to relax, she held him back and smoothed his hair, surprised to find that it was long. ~Maybe he keeps it up in his hat?~ She wished that she could see him, but she felt that she'd made some sort of silent promise to not look. "I'm sorry…" he whimpered through his tears. 

"Shh. It's okay…I forgive you…" she whispered. After a while he quieted and lay still, and she continued to run her fingers through his hair, wondering if he'd cried himself to sleep. But she felt him tentatively touch her hair, then brush his fingers through it slowly. 

"Why are you doing this?" he asked, and she had a sense of quiet, tired peace. 

"That's just something humans do, I guess," she mused, his breath warm on her neck as he sighed.

"Geez, I feel really stupid about now…"

"What for?"

"You must…you must think I'm a big crybaby. I've made a complete fool of myself," he said sadly. "I…always hoped I'd get to talk to a human…that they'd forgive me so it wouldn't hurt so much, and say I could live in their towns…and not be afraid…that I could learn about their music…that I wouldn't have to hide here like this…I always daydream about not having to hide…" He gave a watery chuckle and touched her neck. "Look at that, I got you all w-wet. That's kind of gross. Isn't this silly?" he mused quietly, as though it really were. She couldn't help but smile.

"It is a little, at that. But I don't mind. Do you feel better?" He sighed and snuggled her some.

"Yeah…thanks…you don't know how much…well…that's why I took off my hat for you," he whispered, sounding a little shy. She raised her eyebrows. ~I suppose that's special, even though I can't see him…~

"Thank you. That means a lot to me," she whispered, and was surprised to find that it was true. It made up for 192's stinging actions. 

"…I've never been close to a human like this…" he murmured, fascinated. She tensed and struggled to keep her eyes closed as he lazily ran a hand up her side and over her breasts, not knowing any better. "You're shaped different than us."

"That's because I'm a woman," she said with more exasperation than she intended. ~If it was any other guy I swear he'd have been slapped into next week or paying for that by now…~

"Hm. I'm not sure I understand the difference," he admitted, his voice drowsy, peaceful, and curious.

"Means I have babies and you don't," she said, too tired to explain more. His hand wandered from her breasts down to her rounded belly and rested there. She sighed, feeling suddenly wistful. ~It's been so long since I…~ Her eyes flew open when she realized what she was thinking, that the warmth she felt was just a little _too_ much. Horrified, she squeezed her eyes shut and hoped that he hadn't saw, more than a little flustered. ~How could I possibly _think_ about that?! He's not even a year old!~ The feeling persisted, and she felt distinctly uncomfortable and disgusted with herself. 

"When's it going to be born?" he asked softly, completely unaware of what she was going through. She laid her hand over his. After a moment he put his palm to hers, comparing. "Your hands are much smaller than mine. I wonder why we were made with such big hands…" 

"I…I think the baby will be born in about four months…but I could be wrong because I don't know when I got pregnant…" she said awkwardly. ~Light, how come he's not shy about all this? I wonder if it's always like this when they're in for a snuggle…~ She shifted weakly beneath him. ~I should get up. I promised I'd check on Mr. 56…~ Yet she was loathe to leave behind the comfort of being this close to anyone. ~I…I've never been held like this…~ She suddenly realized, and it was painful. The men who had taken her were not interested in cuddling, but in getting the job done. It was nice when they fell asleep, when they flopped over her bonelessly or rolled over and she could lean against them and pretend. But they had never cared. The man who had made her with child didn't care. This creature that held her without expecting anything, that showed concern for her baby…it was too much.  

"Four months is a long time…" he finally murmured. "You must be really patient…" 

"Mm…I'm sorry, Mr. 123, but I have to go…"

"…? Why? It's late enough to go to sleep…" he protested, as though she were being silly. 

"Because I…I promised I'd talk to Mr. 56…"

"Talk to him tomorrow… I haven't felt this nice ever…" He tensed a little with a sudden realization. "Or…um…is this something that humans don't do…like see each other naked…? Am I embarrassing you? Oh, geez, you don't like it…I forgot…I, uh…" he mumbled, flustered, and pulled away from her. "I guess…I guess maybe it's different for us…" She wanted to pull him back to her, but feared that if she did she wouldn't leave and might do something she would regret. ~He's so young…but they know too much to be children…It would mean something to me…~ She felt astonished. ~If we…it would actually be something special to me…~ She still felt guilty for even thinking it. Instead, she squeezed his hand and rose from the bed. 

"Oh sweetie…it's not that humans don't like it…it's that we like it too much…" she murmured in apology. She could almost feel him frown as she made for the door. 

"How could you like it too much?" he asked, perplexed.

"Maybe you'll learn when you're older…or maybe our races just have different things ingrained in us from birth…Don't worry about it. Get some rest. For what it's worth, even though I'm a human…I'd like to be your friend." There was a pause.

"…Even though I'm a black mage…I'd like to be your friend…and learn about your people…" he whispered.

It was a done deal.

163 absently kicked at the railing of his porch as he leaned over it, staring at the peaceful, moonlit little stream that ran through their village. ~I should go to bed…~ But he'd already tried it once, and it hadn't worked. The humans in the village made him restless, though he couldn't explain why. ~It's not as though they've done anything wrong…Maybe it's  Vivi…~ He watched as the little mage sat alone on one of their floating bridges, dangling his feet in the water. His eyes were weary, and he looked as though he held the weight of the world on his shoulders. ~I wonder what it's like to travel…to know so much…I wonder that if I knew a lot I'd feel that way too…~ He wanted to go and talk to him, to tell him to get to bed because he looked so tired…but he was almost afraid to. ~He's so much older than us…what if he doesn't like to be bothered? What if he's like Shorah who doesn't like touching or anything like that too much? I wonder if he's more like a human or more like us…~ He glanced in the direction of One's small hut. ~He's different, too. He's not so bad, once you get used to him… Maybe it's like 288 said…maybe we're all different really.~ He blinked. Though his eyesight wasn't good, he could make out a light in the middle of the darkened village. ~What in the world?~

Curious, and unable to sleep anyway, he made his way over. Mr. 55 sat by a small fire, scribbling plans and looking up at the platforms that he'd been building in the trees. 163 smiled at his concentration. ~55 always has been a serious one…~ 

"Whatcha doing," he asked, kneeling down in the dirt beside the busy mage. He showed no sign of being startled. "Don't you think it's a little late for this?"  He grunted.

"Never too late for stuff like this. Probably more of us are going to come. We're in a tight space here…the forest here isn't even a mile across. I also can't help but think that the closer together we are, the better, right? Better to expand up than out," he said matter-of-factly. 163 gazed up at the canopy dubiously. 

"Um, that sounds good, except that most of us hate heights…"

"Oh, it's not going to be like that," he said, and leaned the plans over so that he could see. "It's going to be a sort of building, a tower kind of, built into the trees. Those platforms up there will be the second floor. Instead of huts, new ones can come in here to live. Not sure how many rooms it'll have yet though…I'm still thinking about it," he explained, picking up a strange looking thing and putting it to his mouth. "Don't look at me like that." He sucked on it, then blew a perfect smoke ring. "It's a pipe," he said flatly, before any questions could be asked.

"Uh huh…why are you doing that with it?"

"Tastes good, makes me feel better. Why not?" He puffed out a ring within a ring to emphasize his point. 163 stared at it.

"Um, I think I read somewhere that that sort of thing is bad for you…" he said, trying to recollect. 55 cocked his head a little.

"If you think about it, everything's bad for you. Everything you eat is bad for you in one way or another. Every time you even go outside you take a risk. Gotta stop from something, you know." He sounded vaguely amused as he talked around his pipe and continued to scribble lightly on his plans. 163 shifted uncomfortably. 

"What do you think about these humans in the village?" he finally asked.

"What about them?"

"Well…don't they worry you any? Do you think they're dangerous? I mean, if these humans aren't dangerous, there's a chance we could leave here someday and--,"

"That one girl helped us build the chocobo house, eh? At least, she tried. These humans that came today…163, I build things. I wake up in the morning, I eat, and I plan for our village. Those plans turn into houses and shops. I can't think of anything better. I don't plan on leaving here…I don't have much of a concern for humans. If they want to come, it's fine with me so long as they don't bother us," he said as he sketched. 

"S-so you don't even _care _about them being here?!"

"Not in the least." He sounded as though he meant it, and gave a soft puff of fragrant smoke. "They bothering you?" he asked after a while, gruff but kind. 

"I dunno…" 163 shrugged, tracing circles in the dirt with his fingers. 55 chuckled.

"I can see you've been giving away your clothes. Probably not good to make a habit of that, you know." 163 blushed silver.

"Oh, you saw her old dress…even though we don't mind, you have to admit it can't be comfortable to walk around with your clothes gaping open…"

"I suppose not." He gave Mr. 55 a weighing look for a moment.

"Say, 55? Uh…you always look so busy…and um…" He waffled, trying to think of how to ask his question without sounding stupid. 55 finally turned to him.

"Is there something you want to talk about, 163? Out with it, by the gods, or you'll be here all night," he said, his luminous eyes serious and gentle.

"Okay okay…" he said softly, staring at his careful dirt circles so that he wouldn't have to look at Mr. 55, who would surely think what he was about to say was silly. "Are you ever lonely?" 

"Lonely? How could I be lonely here in the village with everyone around me?" he asked with astonishment. ~Figured he'd feel that way…~

"Forget it, it was stupid," he mumbled, and dusted off his hands. But 55 rested a hand on his shoulder.

"Sorry, maybe that wasn't nice. Do you feel lonely?" Weakly, he nodded. "Why?" 163 swallowed.

"It's just that…it seems like everyone else…well, everyone else except for 192 and One came in together with someone. You know, everyone has a close friendship. Or had one…at least. Not that we aren't all close…but…I guess I just wish I had someone to talk to about things that I like…" he said softly, tears stinging his eyes. He blinked them back with annoyance.

"You mean like books?"

"Yeah…I know everyone thinks I'm a little silly for liking them so much." To his surprise, 55 laughed.

"And everyone laughs at me for liking to build things so much. And at 24 for bringing in owls and cats that would just as soon tear him up. 163, we're not laughing _at_ you. We're just laughing in general about life. Isn't it amazing what we're doing, how different we are? Isn't it wonderful…?" 55 shook his head and looked up at the stars. "That's why I'm happy here. That's why I'm not lonely." 163 smiled too, and really did feel a little silly. "But you know…" he said after a moment, "…just because I'm not lonely doesn't mean that you aren't. What about the C-types? They're all pretty smart. I bet they'd like to talk books with you."

"They're also all really busy," he said wryly. "And Mr. 288…I worry about him sometimes."

"Me too. Well, what about the girl?"

"Shorah? She thinks I'm silly, I'm pretty sure. I cried all over her…I looked at her a lot while she was naked, and she's so much older," he said softly.

"That shouldn't matter," a new voice said, and they were surprised to see little Vivi join them. "S-sorry…I didn't mean to listen…I just heard the last little bit," he said shyly, adjusting his hat. 163 couldn't say anything, his eyes wide. ~He heard…?~ 55 poked him in the side with the end of his pipe.

"Your problem is that you're so shy." He brushed the pipe away, even more embarrassed. 

"W-why wouldn't it matter?"

"Well…Zidane and Dagger are much older than me…and I'm a black mage, so I could be dangerous. Lots of times, I've held them back and felt bad about it…but they're always really happy to have me with them. S-sometimes I don't understand…but I'm happy with them, too," he said quietly. 

"So you don't plan on staying?" 55 asked bluntly, puffing on his pipe. The little mage gave them both a distressed look. "If that's the case, your friends are planning to leave tomorrow. You should be getting some rest—you look awful tired." Vivi stared at the ground and twisted his hands.

"I-it's just that…I thought I was alone for so long…and here everyone is…I finally find this place…and…" He finally gave them a pleading look, on the verge of tears. "Mr. 288 said…he said…you know, about your short life spans, and I wondered if I'd stop soon…if…I'd hoped for this to be home someday…but if everyone…I want to go out and fight that! I want to find a way for everyone to be okay!" he cried, his voice trembling. 163 and 55 exchanged a glance. ~What is he talking about? Short life spans?~ However, 163 couldn't stop the aching that came when he saw someone else in distress, and that drew his mind away from the strange words. ~Poor guy, he looks like he's at the end of his rope…~ He didn't really think about what he was doing as he reached out and pulled the little mage to him, cradling him in his lap. ~He's so small…~

"It's okay…"he whispered to the trembling little figure.

"I-I can't sleep…I'm scared for everyone…a-aren't you…? I'm s-scared to leave…be-because…." His tremulous, gentle voice cracked some, and he closed his eyes tightly. 

 "We're all okay…we're not going to be mad at you if you go out and travel, because you'll come back someday…we're not going to forget about you, and I don't think you'll forget about us, right?" he murmured, rocking gently. The little mage nodded, his body relaxing slowly. "Just rest…don't worry about us," he cooed softly. ~You don't have to feel alone…~ He knew that all black mages took comfort from their own kind, and since little Vivi had never been among his own kind, the soothing words and close contact quickly eased him into his first peaceful slumber in days. "Oh, 55, he's so cute…" he whispered, snuggling Vivi closer to him. 55 chuckled around his pipe, back at work on his plans.

"And you're quite a sight."

"Hey boys, do you know…oh…" Shorah had come up the path with a worried expression. She hushed her voice when she realized what was going on. "Oh, you're so cute!" 55 smirked. "Is he okay? He didn't look so good at dinner tonight…"

"Yeah, I think he was just tired," 163 whispered. She smiled at them both and rested a hand on 163's back with a gentle expression in her eyes that made him feel somehow hopeful. ~Maybe she _doesn't_ think I'm silly…~

"Well, I came to ask if you know where Mr. 56 is…I checked his hut, and he's not there…I can't imagine where he could be…I haven't seen him since things went crazy earlier today…" she said anxiously.

"You might check the cemetery," 55 said quietly. She stared at him.

"This late at night?! And are you smoking a pipe?!" she asked incredulously. He gave her a flat 'see if you can stop me' look. "Right, the cemetery…"she said uneasily.

"Mr. 56! Mr. 56, are you okay?!"

He blinked groggily, confused, the smell of wet leaves all around him. ~Mr. 36's grave…~ Slowly, he pushed himself up some, wondering how he got on the ground. ~I must have fallen asleep…~ He felt cold, numb inside and out. The girl that he'd rescued was there, but he couldn't quite acknowledge her as she helped him up. 

"Mr. 56?" she asked, a strange, worried note in her voice. He looked at her blankly, then stared at the grave of his friend. ~He's gone…~ The feeling was dull and lifeless. He didn't feel pain or fear. 36 was just gone, and that was that. He blinked as he felt hands turn his face and he was forced to look at her. She looked a little sad and confused. ~I wonder why…? What's to be sad about…?~ She seemed to reach some decision as she dusted the leaves away from his front. "Come on, time for you to go to bed. You've been out too long," she said firmly. He took a deep breath.

"Mr. 36 is gone," he told her. It seemed important. She swallowed and appeared pained.

"I know, honey. Come on, let's get you to bed." She turned him around and pushed him up the path, and he allowed himself to be maneuvered toward his hut. He couldn't explain why he felt so heavy, why his stomach felt so tight and funny. The chirping of the frogs, the night calls of the owls, the humidity on his skin…it all felt so surreal. He was vaguely aware of reaching his hut, of her pushing him inside. "Now, you get to bed, okay?" He stared at her and did not move. An unreadable look crossed her features. "Sit down and take off your shoes," she finally ordered, her voice gentle. He did so. It was so easy to obey. "Do you sleep in your hat?" He shook his head, a part of him struggling to be amused. It was such a silly question. She closed her eyes, then said, "Take off your hat then, and lay down." Mechanically, he did as she bade and hung his hat on his bedpost. Her hands groped for the sheets and pulled them up to his chin. ~Why is she doing this…?~

"Now…I'm going to sleep just outside, okay? I'll be right outside if you need me…"she whispered, and stroked his face gently. He blinked as her hand pulled away from him. ~No…~ She made a startled noise as he grasped her arm and pulled her back down to him, into the bed. For some reason, he wanted her close, like Mr. 36 used to be. ~No…don't leave me alone…~ He snuggled her close to him and held her tight, almost frightened to let her go. After a moment, she relaxed. 

"M-Mr. 56…I shouldn't…I mean…"she said timidly, her voice quavering some. He felt strange, his chest tight. She looked so scared with her eyes screwed shut like that. He smoothed her hair.

"It's okay…I won't let you stop like I let him. I won't let you," he promised, his heart numb. She whimpered pitiably and fell silent, and before long he fell asleep without realizing it. ~Mr. 36…~

Author's Notes: Okay, I'll admit I got a little carried away on this one, but the black mages are so much fun to write! No one minds a few extra pages, ne? ^^;; I mean to do more with One later…I think he's a promising character. Well, thank you for reading my story—I realize it's pretty long! Once again, please R&R—though this fic is already outlined, I can give more airtime to characters that are particularly liked. Thanks again!


	6. Fallen Embers

Author's Notes: Sorry this one took me so long to put out! Between midterm week and spring break I was pretty busy! Rated PG-13 for language and suggestive themes.

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy IX. After spring break, I'm about too broke to own anything ^^;;.

How Fair This Place

By Bmv no Miko

Chapter 6: Fallen Embers

One started as the door to 44's hut slammed open. She stood in the doorway, blonde hair frazzled and grey eyes wide. He swallowed. ~Did she find out? Or did she…?~

"Shorah, are you okay?" 44 asked, startled concern glowing in his eyes. One shoved the veggies that he'd been cutting up aside and absently sucked his nicked finger. 

"Where's Mr. 56? He's not anywhere in the village!" 

"He went on the trading trip," 44 said softly. He raised an eyebrow, though the effect was invisible beneath his hat. "Is that okay?"

"Now?! Today? You let him go today?!" she asked, her voice high and slightly strangled.

"Yeess…Shorah, if you've heard--," But he was cut off.

"Mr. 44, he's more than not well. I think…I think he might hurt himself…I've seen humans like that before. Don't look at me like that-you didn't see him last night!" 44 was confused.

"Wait, last night? Shorah, what _are_ you talking about? No one knew about it last night…" 

"Well, of course not. He was in the cemetery all day, and into the night as well. 44, he fell asleep there. I think he realized that…that Mr. 36 isn't coming back…he was very stiff, and he had this…this lost look on his face, and he told me he thinks it's his fault! Mr. 36's stopping, I mean…That idiot! He should have stayed here…" she trailed off, leaning against the rough doorframe. One and 44 exchanged a glance. ~Shorah…you don't know yet, do you?~ "I'm sorry. It's not your fault he's gone. It's just that…damn it." Mr. 44 stared at his floor, frowning.

"I…I knew something was wrong…" he murmured, shuffling his feet. One flexed his wings irritably. ~Come on, you big silly creature. Sooner is better than later.~ "Do you really think he'll hurt himself, though?"

"I don't know. But he's more than not well. He needs to be watched. 44, you're his best friend, it looks like to me. He thinks of me as someone that he has to take care of. It's not me he needs to talk to…it's you," she said firmly. 

"I know. He took Mr. 36's death so badly…and now that we know it's forever…I guess I just thought maybe he wanted to get away from the village for a while," 44 said softly, wringing his hands. She blinked and cocked her head.

"Death…forever? Did Mr. 288 finally…?" 

"D-did you know all along?" 

"About death? Yes, I knew that everything dies someday…but I gathered that you people didn't, so…"

"Mr. 288 knew already?"

"Oh, uh…well…I just thought…" she stuttered, caught in mentioning 288. One felt sorry for her. Mr. 44 took a deep breath, turned to his counter, and began mixing his cake nervously. "44…is something more wrong than I think?" she asked carefully.

"It's not important. There's probably nothing you can do about it anyway…" he said, directing a sad smile at her over his shoulder. She shut the door and began winding her fingers through her hair to straighten it.  

"Oh, come on. You never know." One smiled at her sadly. ~You always were the optimistic one.~ "Oh, hello One! I didn't see you down there." He flinched, a little stung. ~You didn't even notice me? I wish…~ But his hat was suddenly pulled down over his eyes. She laughed at his expression. "You're such a cute little thing. Just like that Vivi," she said, kneeling to his height and smiling kindly. He straightened his hat and stared at her, even more hurt. ~You're making fun of me…just like Two used to…~ He clutched at the bell in his pocket, remembering how the winged Waltz used to dash about with his stupid teleporting and torment the hell out of him. ~Well, he won't be doing that anymore.~ Even so, he felt a little sorry for Two. "Hey, sorry…don't look at me like that. I didn't mean to day anything wrong…guess I should shut up now and see what Mr. 44 has to say, huh?" she said ruefully. He straightened his hat and fought the urge to nod. ~Will you quit treating me like a child? I'm older than them, after all.~ But the thought was halfhearted, and with a sigh he led her to the table and sat beside her. She wrapped an arm around his shoulders, and he couldn't help but wonder and hope. "So, what can't I help with, Mr. 44?" The large mage stilled.

"To be honest, I don't know that you should know." She blinked, slightly embarrassed, but was not to be defeated so easily.

"Uh huh. So who else knows?"

"Well…everyone in the village by now, probably," he admitted, scratching the back of his head sheepishly.

"Right. So…"

"Okay, I know where this is going. You'll just find out from someone else, right?"

"Maybe," she smirked. He finally turned to her, shifting uncomfortably. Several times he tried to start what he wanted to say, hands clenching and unclenching, but he couldn't. He blinked, and One noted the silver sheen in his eyes with surprise. ~44 is _never_ sad!~ It was one of the reasons that he liked the big mage-he was solid and dependable and didn't favor dramatics like the other mages. After about ten years of living with Kuja and the other Waltzes One had dealt with enough drama to last several lifetimes. It didn't help any that Kuja was into theater. One shuddered. ~Damn that Canary play!~ "Er, 44…are you okay…? I mean, maybe I went too far…" He shook his head.

"No…no, you didn't. It's just that I…I guess everyone's day isn't so great today, but I'm having a particularly bad day," he said sadly, his shoulders sagging. She frowned.

"You don't want to talk about it, huh? That's okay. You don't have to tell me anything. Sorry I fussed at you about 56…I'm just worried…" He sighed and went back to mixing his cake.

"Me too…me too." She bowed her head for while, thinking. As she leaned forward, the Torre slipped out of her royal blue robes. She toyed with it absently, running her fingers over its hand-made planes. One's hands itched to steal it and cast it away-into the ocean, the river, the desert…anywhere where it couldn't be found for a good long time. ~I can't believe you have that cursed thing…I can't believe you're actually _wearing _it…~ He couldn't take it. He was afraid of what it would do to him, and was ashamed that he didn't have the courage to help her. "I'll leave you to your work, Mr. 44," she finally said, rising. "It's late, so I guess Vivi and his friends are gone, right?"

"Right. Are you going to find out from someone else?" he asked softly. 

"Not on purpose, if you really don't want me to know," she said after a moment, as though it pained her. He sighed.

"No, it's okay. It's not my secret to keep anyway," he said heavily.

She stood at the item shop's door, wondering if she should knock this time. It felt as though a profound weight had descended over the village. She couldn't hear anyone talking, building, moving about their day-it was stifling. One stood at her side quietly-even he seemed somber. After some consideration, she rapped lightly on the door. 

"Come in," 163 called, his voice strained. "You don't have to knock. Oh, hi Shorah, One." She winced. ~Wow, he doesn't sound too happy to see us…~ He was bent over a large, slightly ruined grey tome. His glasses made his eyes look even larger than usual and magnified his weary expression.

"Um, if this is a bad time…" she began uncertainly. He waved his hand dismissively.

"It's fine." He didn't look up.

"Right…so what are you reading?"

"Fairy tales." Both she and One blinked.

"Fairy tales? You look so serious to be reading those," she said, amused. ~God, this place has to lighten up…wonder what's wrong. ~

"Have to read them. It's now or never. Damn it, I didn't buy all of these to not get to read them!" he said angrily, snapping it shut with a loud crack. She stepped back, startled. 

"My goodness…are you okay? You look awful tired…"

"Because I didn't sleep last night." He shoved the book forcefully back onto the shelf and grabbed another one randomly.

"Oh, I hate when that happens."

"I wish I understood more about these. They all just assume that I know everything already," he said in a tight voice and plunked down on his stool, glowering. ~Well, this is different…~

"You'll learn. Just give yourself time." His expression darkened.

"That's not funny."

"Wasn't meant to be. 163, what's going on? Is this…is this because the whole village found out about death?" she asked quietly. He stared straight ahead. She was vaguely surprised that the shop didn't explode. "Well…it's nothing to get so caught up about, honey. Everything dies eventually."

"Not in their first year of life they don't," he said tersely. She frowned.

"Well, nooo…" Suddenly, it came to her, and she didn't need One's tugging on her sleeves to tell her that she'd gone white. She leaned against his counter for support, her knees suddenly trembling. ~One year?! That's it?! But Mr. 288 said that everyone…and after they were all so nice to me…I thought…I thought someday I'd take my baby back to see everyone…No, be calm. Maybe it's a mistake.~ "A-are you sure?" she asked weakly. 

"There seems to be plenty of evidence. Seven of us gone already within several months, and Mr. 144… he's dying right now…" he trailed off, staring at the rough countertop. His anger seemed to drain away, and he laid his head in trembling hands. "I'm so tired…" She laid a hand on his shoulder, trying to formulate something to say. The emotion that had started with 123 had not gone away. ~I love them all…oh light, there has to be something!~ She had never felt so taken with anything or anyone before that she could remember. 

"Are you sure it's a definite thing…are you sure it's not just a sickness?" He nodded and swallowed. 

"Y-yes…because everyone's perfectly healthy until one day…when they just…" He shuddered and leaned slightly into her touch. A sort of numb grief took her. ~For now…if I can just put it aside for now…~ She did not relish the thought that the pain would hit full force later, but it had to be left alone for everyone's sake. ~This place is gloomy enough right now as it is…~

"Mr. 163? I don't think I've ever met Mr. 144…" He shook his head.

"You wouldn't have. He hardly ever comes out of his hut. He's always sad and scared…"

"Of humans?"

"Who knows? Of lots of things. He's even afraid to even go outside most of the time," he said quietly. "Poor Mr. 44. I wouldn't know because I came alone, but it must be sad to have your traveling companion die…" She blinked.

"44 and 144 came here together? But he told me about all that, and he never mentioned Mr. 144…" 

"Of course he didn't…Mr. 44 is so nice. Shorah…I'm not trying to offend you…but humans hurt Mr. 144 pretty bad once when they caught him, and it was Mr. 44 that saved him. He pretty much carried 144 here and has taken care of him since, always bringing him food and stuff. See, 44 knows 144 doesn't like much company, so he doesn't mention him often, because he's so nice…" he whispered. She shook her head sadly. ~Light, I'm sorry Mr. 44…~

"He _is_ kind. I never knew…So I guess 144 wouldn't want to see me…it's too bad…I'd sure like to see what the symptoms are for myself. Maybe I could…maybe do something, you know? Make it easier…" 163 raised his hands as though to fend her off, his expression miserable.

"I couldn't do anything…everything I've tried so far has been useless…" She touched his cheek gently.

"Honey, I'm not blaming you…it's not your fault. Can I see what you've got back there? Mama used to know lots of homestyle remedies. Maybe I could make up something…" He stared at her for a moment, then lifted the barrier so that she could get behind the counter.

"Sure, why not." He shrugged and sat back down heavily on the stool. With a strange sense of calm, she perused his stock. "Hey…" he spoke up after a while. "Do you…um…by any chance like books?" 

"I love books when I can get a hold of them," she said absently, selecting several bottles of what she wanted and valeria herbs. "Can I use these?"

"Oh…uh…sure. Do you read fast?" She turned to him.

"Would you like me to read to you?" she asked gently, a warm feeling rising within the calm. He stared at his hands, embarrassed and unbearably sad.

"It's just that I still read so slow because I'm learning…and there's so much I have to look up because I don't understand…"

"I'd love to read to you." He looked up with surprise.

"Really?" he squeaked, before he could stop himself. "You…uh…you don't think I'm stupid…do you? I haven't exactly been the best at being calm lately…" 

"I don't think anyone here is stupid. Light, you can't help being young, and you're the kindest people I've ever known. You know," she said thoughtfully, "…we humans have a saying for someone who's willing to give anything to help others. 'He'd give you the shirt off of his back if you needed it.' And it looks like I'm wearing your clothes, ne?" He blushed silver and nodded. It was strange that he could feel so happy and so sad at the same time. She started as One took an orange, bubbly potion from her and replaced it on the shelf, his expression stern. "Not that one?" He shook his head gravely. ~Well, I wonder why not? If he says so…~ 

"Um…so…if you're going to go see Mr. 144…I guess you should know what's wrong with him.  It's…it's been a little different for everyone who's st-…died…but he says he's really tired, and he can't sleep. His chest hurts, too…" 

"Anything else?"

"Not that I know of…the only thing we have in common is that…well… underneath all this we look pretty much like a human. But a mage that's about to die is just…just black, all the way. Our skin turns black when we get hurt, too…" he explained quietly. She nodded, pensive.

"I've always been good with medicine…it just seems to work better for me… but you have to realize that I don't know how to save him… I just want to make it easier, more peaceful…" ~If only I could help out somehow…~ One took her hand in his, a serious, sympathetic look in his eyes. She returned his gaze with equal depth, enjoying the closeness of the winged mage in the midst of her tranquility. ~His eyes…maybe I've misjudged him…~ 

"I can take you to him," 163 offered. 

"Will he let me see him at all, do you think?" She was surprised with just how much she wanted to see this mage that she'd never met, to comfort him. The thought that he would be terrified of her would have been crushing if she hadn't felt so numb. ~When mother's friends would die, I never wanted to be there…I think I was scared of it…but this…this is different…~ 163 straightened his hat.

"I…I don't know. But he came out just this morning, even though he's really sick, and he gave those humans directions. I think…well, he's probably like 123. He's probably all caught up in being sorry, and wants to make it right. But the humans that hurt him were so mean that…" He took a deep breath and didn't go on. She mixed the potions in silent concentration, then added the ground valeria. The result was a greyish, clear concoction that didn't smell half bad.

"I understand. If he won't see me, then will you give this to him?"

"Yeah…I will."

144 blinked groggily as light spilled into his darkened hut, the sun shining through dust motes. ~What now? Can't they just leave me in peace?~ He could just make out a silouette before the door closed and he was regarded with a gentle glow.

"Mr. 144? How are you feeling? Have you gotten any sleep yet?" a soft voice asked, and then quieted as its owner sat beside the bed. He swallowed.

"163…I still feel the same way I did in the middle of the night…just tired. Will you please go away now and tell people I don't want visitors?" he requested wearily.

"We're just trying to help," 163 said, stung even though he knew that 144 was just frightened and tense.

"But nothing's going to help me right now. Everyone's depressed as it is. I picked a convenient time to go—just making it all worse," he said bitterly. 

"You can't help that. Won't you at least let someone stay with you? I might whether you want it or not," he said, his voice trembling slightly.

"I won't have anyone staring at me frightened out of his wits while I stop. Thank you though."  ~It's nice to know that they care after all, I suppose…I wonder why this doesn't seem so bad…~ It was odd to him that his stopping was a more dramatic event for everyone else than it was for him. ~I'm just tired…I just wish I could sleep and not be afraid anymore…if stopping is what it takes…~ His stomach and chest felt tight and painful. ~But it'll pass…it'll be over soon and I won't be stuck in the dark anymore…~ he reassured himself, suppressing a shudder. 

"There's…do you know about the human that's here?" 

"Shorah? Don't look at me like that. 44 told me all about her. She…she seems nice enough, aside from asking weird questions and being bothered by silly things," he said warily. ~Oh, don't ask me to go outside, please please…it was so hard …~

"Yeah, she is kind of different…um, listen, she says she's pretty good with healing…and she wondered if you'd let her try to help you sleep, since…since you can't…" he murmured.  ~Help me sleep?~ His heart clenched. ~Does she…she…I wonder if she wants to poison me…Gods, I don't know if I can take anymore humans today…but if she…if she does something to make it quicker, I should be grateful, right?~ His stomach hurt even more. 

"Well…I-I'd like to sleep…that would be nice…but can't you just give it to me?" he asked timidly, ashamed of his fear. 

"She said she really wanted to see you, but if you wouldn't see her she said I could give it you. If you're scared of her, I mean." He sighed. ~I owe it to any human that asks. I deserve what I get…~

"Let her in…" he said in a smaller voice than he intended. 163 rose and led in a young human girl, her eyes shut, a bottle in her hands. Then the door was closed. ~Why won't she look…oh…well that's nice of her, I guess…~ "You can open your eyes. It's too dark in here to see anything anyway," he whispered, determined to be the first to speak, to not be an object of pity. His heart drummed painfully in his chest, and his eyes dashed to Mr. 163 in a quick moment of panic before he could calm himself. 

"Hi there. I didn't get to meet you before. My name is Shorah," she introduced softly. 

"Y-yes…Mr. 44 told me about you…" She groped about in the darkness until she found the stool beside his bed and sat down. ~She hurt Mr. 288…~

"Is it okay if I touch you to see if you've got fever?" ~No…~

"Yes," he said meekly, then tensed as a gentle head rested on his forehead and moved to his cheeks. It unnerved him greatly.

"You're pretty warm. How are you feeling? I want to make sure I've mixed up the right things…" she prompted. 

"I'm just tired…"

"Are you hurting anywhere?" 

"J-just my chest and stomach…"

"Okay…then this ought to make you feel a little better, help you sleep. I'm sorry that I can't do more," she said apologetically. "Will you take it?"

"I…it's not…it's not poison, is it?" he whispered, not wanting 163 to hear how weak he sounded. ~You can't make me take it…you can't…~ "It won't hurt…right?" She rested a hand on his cheek, and he swallowed.

"Of course not. I'm not going to hurt you…" 

"H-how do I know that? You hurt Mr. 288…"

"Because I thought that he might hurt me…of course, he wasn't going to. If I can ever get him alone, I'll apologize. All I can do now for all the kindness that the village has shown me is help out however I can." Before he could answer, Mr. 163 spoke up.

"Hey, 144…I think Mr. 44 might want…might want to see you before you go to sleep. I'm going to go get him," he said firmly. ~No, no…don't leave me alone with her!~ But since he couldn't find his voice to protest, 163 was soon gone. He began to tremble uncontrollably, and she pulled her hand away from his cheek slowly. 

"I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't say anything, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what my people did to you. I'm ashamed on behalf of my race," she whispered thickly. 

"Me too…" he gritted out. ~I have to tell her this. As a human, she…she has the right…~

"But you didn't know--," He cut her off.

"I knew. I was aware when I killed humans. I knew what I was doing and I still did it," he admitted, his voice tight. ~Do with me what you will…it's okay…~ There was quiet for a moment, and he waited for her to be angry, violent. ~I won't run away…I _will_ be brave…for once in my life…~

"Why did you do that?" she asked quietly. He wished that she wouldn't prolong this.

"Because I was scared…because I didn't know what to do…or where to go…I was scared to die the way those humans were dying…what it amounts to is that I was a coward. Those things don't make what I did right…everyone here is different from me… because they really _didn't_ know what they were doing…I can't change anything…I'm sorry…" he whispered, too weary and tense for tears. 

"I wouldn't call you a coward…I'd have called you a frightened child, personally. You can only get out of situations like that if you perceive there's a chance to get out. If I were with Kuja like that, new born and all, I'd be afraid too." He shifted some in his bed, confused. ~Aren't you going to be angry?~ "You know…those humans probably hurt you because they were afraid, the same as you. Trying to protect their families, and blinded by hate and fear. It's a sad story either way. I tell you what. I'll accept your apology, if you'll take mine. Those humans might have been afraid, but I am not. So you don't have any reason to be afraid of me," she reasoned. ~It's not that easy to not be afraid…how could you be so nice…how could you forgive me for something so awful…?~

"I…accept…that sounds like a good deal to me…" he whispered, relieved even though he was still confused, and still frightened. He took a deep breath. "So…I g-guess…if I take that stuff and go to sleep…I probably won't wake up again…right?" he whispered. "I've kind of known it all along…that if I slept I would…" She rested a hand on his, and he was suddenly struck by how gentle her touch was compared to--~Well…better not to think about that right now…~ 

"I'm sorry…I wish I could do something more for you…" she whispered sadly. He swallowed.

"Oh…that's okay…" ~It's now or never….I'd better sit up…~ She was still as he pulled himself up and got situated.

"Here you go…" she said quietly, unstopping the bottle and pressing it into his hands. He rolled it about in his palms for a moment, the smooth contours cool and comforting. Bit by bit sadness and regret took the place of his fear as he cast about the room and was unable to see a thing. ~I spent most of my aware life either afraid, in the dark, or both…I never did anything…I never  got to know many people…I messed up…~ He was surprised with how steady his hands were, how resolved he was, as he drank her potion. It slid down easily and had a pleasant herbal taste. Silently, he handed her the empty bottle. ~I wish I could see something before I die…~ A strange emotion surged through him. ~I wanted to see everyone here…I wish I'd have let my brothers visit me more…Oh, I wish 44 were here…~ Almost as if on cue, the door creaked open and 44 came in quietly. The basket of vanilla cakes he carried filled the room with a wonderful, soft aroma. 144 felt his eyes sting a little, finally. ~I was mean to you, 44… I wish you knew how lucky I am to have you for a friend.~

"Um…am I too late?" 44 asked, slowly setting down the basket. "I don't guess you want these then…" he said, with some difficulty. ~Oh, 44…~

"You made my favorite cakes? That's so nice of you…can I have one?" he asked, and was delighted with how his friend's eyes seemed to grow brighter. He felt his own eyes droop with fatigue. ~I won't let him see me sad or afraid…I don't want to scare him…~ He weakly took one of the round cakes and nibbled on it, even though his stomach hurt very badly by then. "These are really good…they always are…"

"Th-thanks. Did you…uh, take the potion yet?" He nodded, turning the cake about in his hands and enjoying his last memory, wishing he'd had more like it.

"When I go to sleep, I'll die." He was amazed with how calm he sounded. Mr. 44 bowed his head.

"I-I'll just leave you boys now…" He blinked. ~I almost forgot about her…~ She rose awkwardly and groped her way to the door, as though in a hurry to be away. "Here, Mr. 44…you can have my chair," she offered in a rather tight voice, and fled before either of them could thank her. After a quiet moment he set his cake aside, and his friend sat. 

"So..How's 56 today?" he asked, unsure of what to say at a time like this.

"Oh…he's okay," 44 lied unconvincingly. "How about you? It doesn't h-hurt, does it?"

"Not really," he lied in return. They both smiled sadly. 

"So…"

"So…You won't have to worry about me like this anymore."

"I never minded!" 44 said quickly, distressed. His hands moved as though to touch, then pulled back.

"I know. You've been a wonderful friend. I mean it," he whispered. ~A friend that I'll never see again, a friend that I…I…~ "Mr. 44…it's okay if you touch me today…I don't mind." 44 shook his head.

"You're just saying that for me…I know you don't really like it…" ~By the gods, why do you always have to be so self-sacrificing?! I _need_ you to touch me!~ He edged forward, his strength fading, and leaned against his friend, full of the smell of vanilla cakes and underlying apple pie. Large arms hesitantly enfolded him and smoothed his hair. "I wish you wouldn't stop…"44 murmured, his voice trembling. ~Me too…but it's too late for that…~ He struggled to keep his eyes open so that he could enjoy the warmth of his traveling companion for just a little while longer.

"I don't know how to thank you 44…I wish I could think of something…" he whispered, listening to his friend's strong, quick heartbeats.

"Oh, that's okay…" He could tell that Mr. 44 was trying hard to control himself as well. ~Gods…I'm so tired…~ But it wasn't a bad sort of tired, for once. If it weren't for 44's sadness, he would have felt completely peaceful.

"Oh 44…" he murmured. "Just think of it…I'll never hurt anymore…I'll never have…nightmares anymore…doesn't…that…sound…wonderful…? Bury me…by 36…okay?" 44 nodded, blinking back tears, his arms trembling. "Love you…44…don't be scared…" he whispered, then snuggled closer. ~You've always been so warm and nice…I know you'll forgive me for anything.~ With that thought, he closed his eyes and allowed himself to fade, finally at peace. 

The village was almost deathly silent as she sat in the grass, staring at the door of 144's hut with trepidation. ~I couldn't help…surely he'll understand…surely 44 won't be angry…~ Anxious, she dug her nails into the moist earth. ~What a mess. What a complete, total clusterfuck…~ A chill ran through her, and she realized that she was  losing her calm. Footsteps crunched behind her, and she twisted around to see that 56 had returned. He was very still, one hand clinging to his pack strap, eyes distant though he was staring at 144's door. Worried, she pushed herself up to her feet and dusted off her knees. 

"56? Are you okay? You made it back all right?" He didn't answer, gave no indication that he had heard. She stepped in front of him and looked him over. ~He looks well enough, physically…~ "56? 56…can you hear me?" Very slowly, he turned his gaze to her, trancelike. Something seemed to snap, and he abruptly looked away.

"Is Mr. 44 in there?" he asked, barely audible.

"Yes, seeing to 144…" she answered, a little frightened, although she couldn't explain why. 

"144 is dying."

"Y-yes…" He swallowed and looked back up, past her, toward the door. She moved to touch him, but he sidestepped her. She blinked, stricken. ~I'm just trying to help…him of all people not letting me…~ There was a creaking sound, and she turned to see 44 emerging quietly from the hut, his basket of vanilla cakes nearly full. He rested his hand on the doorknob as though loathe to leave, then took a breath and shut the door without a word. "44?" she asked, unable to help herself. He shook his head, his gaze also distant, controlled. ~He doesn't feel it yet…it hasn't hit him yet…~ 56 took an uncertain step forward, then stopped. For a while they simply stood like that. Then 44 blinked and looked up with a faint smile.

"I see you're back, Mr. 56…are you okay?" he asked softly, his eyes gentle. ~Oh light…44, you _are_ kind…if my friend had died like that…I'd be such a mess…~ She shivered. ~Who am I kidding?~ she thought bitterly. ~I barely knew him and here I am in a state.~

"I…he's gone…44…36 is gone…I'll never see him again…" 56 whispered, trembling. ~Oh, don't you know he just lost his friend too?~ But she realized with a pang that 56 was probably just too out of it to realize or understand how 44 felt. To her surprise, 44 smoothly stepped forward and gripped 56's shoulders. 

"But _you_ are okay, and we're all still together. We're all still here for you, 56," he said urgently, firmly. She stepped back from them, unsure of what to do. She felt incredibly excluded. 

"But I _miss_ him!" 56 cried, his voice cracking with sudden emotion. "He was my friend and he left me! I can't believe it I can't how could this happen?! All of us…soon… I can't watch anybody else stop, 44! You're all my _friends_! What will I do without you?! I don't…want to…watch…" he whimpered, trailing off. 44 appeared stunned for a moment before pulling 56 close to him tightly. 

"It's okay…it's okay…" he whispered through grit teeth, his hands rubbing his friend's back in circles. She covered her mouth with her hands, her stomach turning at this sight of helplessness that she could do nothing about. ~Light, why am I watching this? I can't bear to see this!~ She stepped back and tried to gain the presence of mind to flee the scene, her knees trembling. 

"N-no it's not…it's not…why does she have to be so much like him…it hurts so much…" She heard herself gasp, felt her hands clasp harder over her mouth as she pulled back more and 44 gave her a pained, apologetic look. 

"C-come on, 56…let's just go back to my hut…you can stay with me tonight, okay?" he whispered, doing the only thing that he could to be helpful. ~It's not me he wants…I can't even comfort anyone!~ She turned and ran blindly, her heart drumming in her chest, just wanting to be away. ~I can't do anything…If only I could help…I…~ Her thoughts were cut off when she ran into something quite solid. Dazed, she looked up and realized with shrinking horror that it was 192 that she'd knocked flat. He rose with fluid grace and gave her a baleful, bitter glare. 

"Stupid, foolish girl…trying to kill me a little sooner than I'd die already?" He gave a dark chuckle. ~Oh leave me alone, you awful creature…~ "Well, I don't know about anyone else, but _I'm_ a bit harder to get rid of than all that—you should have figured that out by now!" he snarled. Suddenly, his sharp gaze snapped to something to her right. She felt about her neck, a cold feeling settling in the pit of her stomach, an incomplete space in her heart. The Torre had come unclasped, jarred free when she had hit 192 with such impact. It was nestled in the grass several feet aware from her. With a start, she realized what had caught his attention.

All about the relic, the grass was growing visibly thicker and greener. A bud popped out of the ground, arched upward, and burst into a vivid, amythest chrysanthemum. As if setting off a chain, more buds began shooting up and flowering. Awestruck, she would have forgotten about 192 if he hadn't spoke. 

"That _thing_. You've got that thing…why that tricky bastard!! You can't keep that thing here…" he said, his voice wavering as he walked towards it and reached out a cautious hand. ~What the…~ Then all she could see was wings as One suddenly appeared in front of her, his arms spread wide. 192 jumped back, surprised. "O-One…step aside! She's brought it…you can't possibly want it to stay here!" ~What's he so hysterical about?~ While he was distracted, she dove for it and held it to her chest, immensely relieved to have it back. "You can't _possibly_ be worried about what it'd do to me…w-we have to get it out of here…her too…she has to get out of here…" His tone was almost pleading. Yet One stood firm, not moving an inch. ~How is it that…why is 192 so…so strange with One?~ Finally, the taller mage relented and backed away. "Have it your way!" he said bitterly, then spun on his heel and left. 

She didn't realize that she was trembling until One placed a hand on her shoulder and beheld her with gentle concern. ~You aren't a child at all…you…~ He brushed a hand over her face, checking to see if she was okay. He apparently was not satisfied, because he knelt down and hugged her. For some reason, he smelled familiar, and that scent brought on a host of old worries and bad feelings that she couldn't quite define. Combined with her sense of helplessness, it was entirely too much. Her eyes clouded with tears.

"It's not me he wants…I can't comfort him…I can't do anything!" she cried, sure that One didn't understand, but also sure that he didn't mind as he stroked her hair. ~Oh, why can't I do anything…why am I only trouble…~

288 sighed and kicked at a small rock. ~What am I going to do…~ he asked the graves, but the cool wind rustling through the dying grass was his only answer. His stomach hurt, and his hands gripped his staff just a little too tight. ~Why am I more scared now just because everyone else knows…how can I make things how they used to be…~ He shook his head and gazed sadly at the eighth grave. It had no shells, robes, or decorations yet. Since 144 had rarely come out of his hut, it was hard to decide what would be most appropriate for his memorial. ~44 will think of something…but it's not going to be the same, is it? From today on, it's just not going to be the same…but I've got to think of something to boost their spirits…we can't just sit here and wait to die like this…~ The sound of leaves crunching brought him out of his thoughts. ~The human girl…I wonder what she's up to?~ Her hair was tied back, and her old dress hung converted into a traveling bag on the end of a flexible, stripped tree branch. 

"Mr. 288?" she asked quietly, stopping before him.

"Yes? Where are you off to?" he asked with surprise. She stared at the ground.

"East, first, to Conde Petie. 56 and 44 told me enough so that I can get there. Then I'll start going where the Torre wants me to go, I suppose." He was taken aback.

"Y-you're leaving so soon?! Surely you aren't better yet…I mean, it takes so long for a black mage who's just come to get his strength up…surely you're tired?"

"Yes, I'm tired…but I can't stay here anymore…" He sighed and ran his hands along his staff. 

"Is it because you found out?" he asked quietly. ~I wonder if the others will leave, too? I wonder if everyone will still like it here…~ She gave him a soft smile and shook her head.

"Not just because of that…this is a hard time for everyone, and I'm not making people feel better…I'm causing problems just being here. I wanted…well, I thought I could maybe help out, but it turns out I just hurt 56's feelings…and I don't have anything to give after all…" she trailed off sadly. 

"Well I wouldn't say--," 

"Don't lie, okay? I won't lie to myself, either. It's not healthy." He swallowed, ashamed.

"I didn't mean to ask you to lie to 56 about stopping…it's just that…well…" he tried to explain awkwardly. 

"I know. I'm sorry, too. Sometimes there's good lies, right? Anyways, I wanted to thank you, because I don't think I'd have been able to stay here at all if not for your good will…you spoke for me even though I hurt you," she said quietly, and then, to his surprise, bowed. "My child and I are eternally grateful. You could have killed me, and I would have probably deserved it. I'm sorry for hurting you, and I'm sorry that there's no way to make it up." He was shocked, and it was a moment before he could speak.

"Well…I…I mean…you were just scared we'd hurt you, right…? I didn't think you really meant us any harm…" 

"I didn't…is it healing okay?" He tensed as she stepped forward and touched his shoulder. For some reason he felt a bit jittery about having her that close to him again. ~She's not dangerous anymore though…is she?~ "Let me see it. I'm good at healing…looks like it's still a little stiff." He couldn't help but step back.

"Um…that's okay…it's healing just fine. Few more potions ought to do it, I think…" He cringed at her hurt expression. ~Oh, I'm sorry…it's just that…~ 

"Oh…well…you need to get some sleep, okay…you don't look so good…" she mumbled, staring at the ground. "Listen, tell everyone I said thanks, okay? Especially 56, 44, and 163. They've been so nice to me…" He blinked.

"T-They don't know you're leaving?" She shook her head silently. "Well…don't you think you should tell them goodbye?" She finally looked at him again.

"No, I don't think so," she stated firmly, then turned and left without another word. 

~Looks like he's finally dropped off…~ 44 thought with relief, running his hand over 56's back gently. 

"You're going to be okay…" he whispered, though he wasn't entirely sure if that were true. ~144…I'm so sorry…maybe I didn't take good enough care of you…but I promise, I won't make the same mistake with you, 56…~ He shifted uncomfortably, then decided to get up, more in a mood for pacing than for lying about. "I'll be back in a little bit, okay?"

Restlessly, he wandered about his kitchen tidying up, though it didn't really need it. ~I wonder what we're going to do now…I'm not much on stopping so soon, myself…~ He washed a stray plate, trying not to make any noise. ~Everything's been so quiet today…I hope it doesn't stay like this…I hope…~ He realized that his hands were shaking and pulled away from the sink in annoyance. He felt tears sting his eyes, but he quickly blinked them back. ~Not right now. I have to be strong for Mr. 56, right? For everyone. If we can all be brave, maybe it won't be so bad…Mr. 144 was awful brave…~ He swallowed at the lump in his throat, wishing that it would go away, and absently sat down at the table. His basket of vanilla cakes looked lonely, and he was sure that they were getting stale, but he couldn't make himself care. ~I wish I had someone to talk to…but I can't feel sorry for myself! Now is not the time for anyone to feel sorry for himself!~ A rap on the door stirred him out of his thoughts. ~Shorah?~ But he could tell it wasn't her. Though he didn't really feel like entertaining, it wasn't in his nature to tell someone to go away.

"Come in," he said, and tried to sound as normal as possible. ~Everything's going to be okay…~ The door slowly opened, and 163 stood with a mixture of anger, worry, and apology glowing in his eyes. "163? Is something wrong?" he asked, standing. He guiltily hoped that something was indeed amiss so that he would be distracted from thinking about 56, 144, and approaching death. He shuddered.

"I…um…I'm sorry for barging in like this…I know this isn't a good time…but did Shorah talk to you at all before she left…?" he asked, twisting his hands with worry. He frowned.

"What do you mean? Where did she go?"

"288 said that she said she's going to Conde Petie, and then she's going back to wandering…I just wondered if she told you or 56 if she was going to come back or not…?" 

"Noo…she didn't say anything to us…she's left for good?" he asked with surprise. ~Well geez, that's sudden!~

"It would appear so," 288 answered from the doorway. "I just noticed you were talking over here…and I remembered that she asked me to tell you and 56 'thank you' as well…"

"W-well…is she okay? I mean, is it okay for her to travel out alone like that, as tired as she always is?" ~I wonder why she wouldn't come tell us she was leaving…? I was hoping to talk with her later…~ The hurt he felt was reflected in Mr. 163's eyes. 288 shrugged uncomfortably.

"I'm not sure…but she was pretty firm about leaving. She looked awfully sad, and said that she was only causing us pain." He straightened his hat. "I don't think she was comfortable here, really."

"Why not?" 163 asked in a pained voice. "I tried to make her feel welcome…I did everything that I could think of…" 288 smiled sadly and tapped his staff on the ground.

"It's not because you did something wrong…I'd say it's because she knows that humans hurt black mages when they catch us. She could see that we were afraid of her and nervous. Even me. And then when you recall that black mages destroyed her home…" he pointed out. 163 gasped. 

"W-we did?!" 44 nodded gravely.

"Yes…though I only got the short version, it appears we burned her town and family to death. She doesn't have a home anymore."

"She didn't tell me…" 163 whispered, suddenly uncertain as to how to face her if he did see her again.

"123 told me," 288 said softly, trying to make his brother feel less left out. 44 shuffled his feet and stared at the floor. 

"She might have heard 56 saying that…well, he said she reminded him too much of 36, and maybe she took it wrong…" He sighed with frustration. "We were just trying to help…but I guess it didn't turn out right…maybe we aren't made to deal with humans after all…" 163 shook his head, anger welling in his chest.

"I don't believe it! I think we were doing fine…I think she liked it here! She said she'd read to me so I'd be able to finish my books before I died…she said she would!"

"But 163…she left without saying goodbye to us…"44 pointed out before he could stop himself. On top of all of the other awful things in his day, this new hurt was almost unbearable. ~So do I have to make it worse for other people?!~ 163 scowled, his eyes fierce.

"Well, I'm going to find out why! If she's going to be that way then…then I want my clothes back!" he declared, then turned and began stomping down the path. 44 was vaguely reminded of 192. 

"W-where are you going, 163?" 44 asked anxiously. 

"I'm going to find her and see what's wrong!"

"But I already told you--," 288 tried to point out.

"No! I'm going to see what's wrong…I'm going to see if she lied to me!" ~Oh, 163, you're worried, aren't you?~

"Why don't you wait until tomorrow? It's dark now, and dangerous to travel at night…" 44 tried to placate him. 

"And let her get a bigger head start? No way! If she's only two hours out by now I should be able to catch her quickly." Unable to stop him, 44 and 288 followed him to the item shop.

"You shouldn't go by yourself…" 288 said, tapping his staff nervously. 

"Don't forget I came by myself," he said a little more bitterly than he intended as he stuffed a few things into a small traveling pack. 44 watched him with growing unease. ~There's so many more monsters at night…he won't make it alone…will he? What about her? Poor 56…he'll be so sad when he finds out she's left him like that…what if she's not okay? What if she's too tired to travel, or we just hurt her feelings? What if a monster eats her?~ Decisively, he placed his large hands on 163's tense shoulders and shook him some to break him out of his frantic packing.

"Just because you came alone…that doesn't mean you have to travel alone… we all love you, 163. None of us want you to get eaten by a monster…why don't you let me come, too?" he offered gently, surprised by the stunned look in his brother's eyes. 163's whole body went lax, and he stared at the floor.

"I…I just thought…" he whispered, working his fingers over the straps of his pack. "W-what about Mr. 56…? I thought you were going to watch him…he probably shouldn't be alone, right?"

"I'll watch him," 288 offered quickly. 44 gave him a grateful smile.

"You shouldn't be alone either, and I'm kind of worried too…so why don't we go see her together?" 

"O-okay…" 288 cleared his throat.

"It's very kind of you both to go after her, and I hate to be difficult…but you have to realize before you go that she probably isn't going to want to come back. She may have lived here for a little while, but she _is_ a human." 163 was quiet and stared at his feet, but 44 nodded. ~What more can we do? I've got to make sure everyone's okay…~

There was an indignant squawk, and a bird shot out of the grass in front of him, shrieking. 163 took a deep breath and tried to still his heart.

"Got you, did it?" 44 mumbled, not expecting to be answered. 163 straightened his hat, embarrassed and incredibly tired from all the walking and his lack of sleep the night before. ~I'd usually be in bed by now…I guess I've gotten soft. I don't remember it being this scary traveling at night…it's taking forever to find her. At least the moon is full…~ He stared at Mr. 44's back, embarrassed that he had to follow his friend, embarrassed that he didn't insist on going alone, but relieved and flattered that someone had indeed wished to come along. The feeling of traveling without direction made him nervous, just as it had when he was frightened for his life and wasn't sure if he'd ever have any place to rest. ~I wish it weren't so flat around here…people can probably see us for miles…~ His feet hurt, and he was wondering beyond his righteous indignation and worry if he was making a mistake. But 44 had spoken very little, so 163 guessed that he must not be so tired. ~I won't complain!~

"Well, there's a campfire…" 44 said slowly, and pointed ahead. 163 peered at it, but couldn't make out much detail.

"Are there humans?"

"Don't know. They might be asleep…" 163 felt even more nervous and tired as they walked toward it. Finally, he had to ask.

"Uh, 44? What if it's not her? What if it's bad humans?"

"I'm trying not to think about that," he said simply.

"Oh…" ~Shouldn't have said anything…~ As they approached the fire, they slowed their pace, which had been almost painfully hurried before. With painstaking movement, they inched forward and surveyed the little camp. There was only one dirty green sleeping bag and a small fire. A pack lay aside hung with pots and pans. There was a ramshackle settlement aways beyond, nestled in dry, golden prairie grass. ~I wonder why she didn't just sleep there…~

"Hey, 163, I don't think this is her…" 44 whispered. "She didn't have all this stuff…" Suddenly, the sleeping bag gave a violent lurch and there was a cry. Startled, 163 stumbled backwards and landed flat on his bottom.

"Whassat?!" a voice cried, and a scraggly man jerkily sat up and whipped his head about, scanning the plains. 163 whimpered before he could stop himself. ~Oh…what if he sees us?!~

"There's nothing there…" a female voice said lazily. ~Shorah!~ But the man was not satisfied, and pulled himself out of the bag. 163 was surprised with how…unkempt he looked. ~His eyes look funny…I wonder if he's sick?~ His steps were stumbling and unbalanced, his skin smeared with dirt tracks. He wanted to call out to Shorah as she sat up and rubbed her eyes, her bare skin pale in the moonlight. "Will you lie back down? For heavens sakes, you're stark naked in the middle of nowhere!" The man leered at her.

"I pay you for the priviledge, bitch…Thersh shumthing out here…I heard it…it's those goddam fuckin ducks again…alwaysh ruining my sleep…" She appeared confused, but studied her sleeping bag quietly. 163 frowned, suddenly angry for a different reason, and saw the same dangerous note in 44's expression. ~Something's wrong here…I don't think that man's her friend…but she's not fighting him or trying to get away. I don't understand…~ The man muttered a few curses and moved jerkily back to the bag, where he knelt clumsily and gripped Shorah's face. He almost felt 44 tense along with him. "You're a right pretty little bitch, ya know…don' gotta worry 'bout knockin' ya up…someone's done did it fer me!" He laughed raucously and ran his free hand over her breasts. "Best kind, I alwaysh said…how 'bout nuther go, eh?" She finally jerked her face back.

"You're too drunk for another go. You only paid for one," she pointed out, though without much fire. The man growled and suddenly backhanded her, reeling from the effort. 163 was too surprised to move, but 44 was already out of the grass. 

"You'll not do that again!" he said menacingly, his eyes glowing white. 163 quickly joined him, angry and wondering if the fear was part of it. The man fell over, almost comically. 

"Sumbitch! It's shum of thosh black thingsh!" he slurred, pointing at them as he got to his unsteady feet. Shorah's mouth was open in complete astonishment. "I'll kill'em…I get'em good thish time!" His words seemed to jog her into action.

"What the….what the _hell_ are you boys doing here?!" she screeched as she emerged from the bag naked, trembling and white. Quickly she rolled it up and attached it to his pack. "Luca, get your damn clothes on!"

"Don' talk to me that way, bitch…thersh black mage thingsh here…! I'll tell everyone I will and will there be a _bar-bee-kyuu_!" he announced. ~What in the world…44 looks so mad…~ She threw the drunk peddler his clothes and tossed him his pack, which he caught with much stumbling.

"For the light's sake, get out of here Luca!"

"I'll go tell…I'll go--,"

"Yes, yes, get out of here! Oh, 44 stop looking like that!" she cried, and 163 realized with surprise that she was very angry. ~But we're just trying to help!~ With many muttered curses, the man began to bumble his way toward to the settlement. She quickly yanked her robes over her head, sputtering with indignation.

"Shorah, are you okay?" 44 asked, hard eyes following the peddler.

"Of course I'm okay, you silly things! You ruined it! We had an understanding!" she said through clenched teeth, slapping her fist into her palm. 

"Well, I don't have an understanding!" 163 interjected angrily. She threw up her hands.

"He pays me to sleep with him, but since you scared him off I didn't get the money! And furthermore, he's about to tell everyone in that poor rundown hellhole that you guys were out and about, and that you were helping me! So now I have to go the other way, and the humans here will be looking out for you. For light's sake, they could kill you!" she ranted.

"He was hurting you," 44 said tersely. She gave an exasperated sigh.

"44, sweetie, if he'll pay me I've got to put up with that!"

"I don't think so." She massaged her temples.

"You boys are young so maybe you don't understand…it's expensive to raise a baby. I'm too young and have no connections, and therefore I can't get a regular job. If I did get a job, it would be at some child-labor sinkhole where I'd work 18 hours a day and die of overwork within a year. But I can be paid well for one man to hurt me a little for a couple hours a day…have money to eat so I'll be healthy and my child will be healthy. When I get a little older, look a little older, I'll be able to get a respectable job," she explained wearily, as though to a child, and sank into the grass. 163 couldn't help but feel ashamed, but he was still angry. ~She's hurt…~ He decided to ignore his fear and knelt down beside her.

"Here," he said shortly, pulling a kerchief from his pocket and pressing it to her busted lower lip. She glowered at him, but said nothing. It was quiet for a while as the wind brushed through the grasses and 44 stared a hole into the back of the peddler, his fists clenched. 

"You boys should get out of here. Go home. It's too late for the trading trip, right? That crazy drunk's gone to tell about you. Best you be gone," she muttered, reaching for her traveling pole. "Me too, come to think of it."

"We didn't come out here to trade. We…uh…we came to find you," 163 admitted, a little embarrassed. She gave him an astonished look.

"Well…light! I can take care of myself! I was taking care of myself before I got to your village!"

"Yeah, see where that got you," 163 shot back before he could stop himself. He winced as she stiffly rose and glared at him. 

"I'm doing the best I can!" she said angrily, rubbing the blood from her mouth with the back of her hand. "I don't need charity!" Suddenly, she wobbled and fell flat on her bottom before 163 could catch her. He reached for her, afraid that she was more hurt than they'd originally thought as she clenched her teeth and rubbed her stomach. 44 quickly made his way to her side.

"How much did he hurt you?" he asked quietly.

"Not so much…well…maybe…maybe he was a little rougher…than I'm used to…" she panted, doubled over. 

"We'll take you back to the village."

"No you won't!" 44 leaned back, obviously puzzled. ~Why's she being so silly and stupid? If I were hurt I'd want help…~

"Shorah, we're just trying to help you…" 44 began, straightening his hat. She shook her head vehemently.

"You'll not take me back there! I just…I'm not trying to be mean, but you have to understand…" she tried to explain awkwardly.

"I don't care if you're a human!" 163 suddenly burst out, his chest heaving. "I mean…who really cares after all?" he added in a smaller voice. She turned pained eyes to him.

"Who cares…? 288 does, because he wouldn't let me touch him…192 does, because he hates me…123 does, 234 does, because I look like someone they might have hurt. 56 does, because he sees his dead friend in me. Really…there's no point in someone like me who has nothing to offer living in your village…I can make do elsewhere," she said in a quiet, trembling voice.

"You said you'd read to me and you ran away…" 163 reminded her, his throat aching and tight. "You said you didn't think I was stupid…I did everything I could to make you feel at home…and you still didn't like it? I tried really hard…I'm sorry…" he whispered, clenching and unclenching his fists. "You said you'd read to me…" He was surprised when a hand touched his face, when she smiled at him sadly. 

"Honey, I'm trying to help you by leaving. Maybe you don't understand that…but I'm trying to make it so that you can be happier in your village, so you won't have to worry about humans."

"Oh, I understand what you're thinking," 44 finally spoke up. "Don't talk down to us like that…it's not fair," he admonished gently. Her eyes were wide before she downcast them in shame.

"You boys should leave, you--,"

"We aren't trying to be mean to you, and I'm sorry if Mr. 56 hurt your feelings. I'm sorry if we made you feel useless…I'm sorry if you don't feel so good…I'm not sure what I'm saying," 44 admitted, taking her hands in his. "But…you have to understand that you make 56 sad because he loves you so much. You're a lot like 36 was…but Mr. 56 couldn't take care of him and he died. You're like another chance…and I think while it makes him sad right now to see you…probably if you wait a little while, you'll become very good friends, even if you are a human…He doesn't know yet that you're gone…but when he finds out...well, if you hurry up and come back, he'll never know..." 44 trailed off, staring at their hands. She frowned and was quiet. 163 felt sorry for her. ~I wish I could say something nice like 44...maybe I could make her feel better too...~

"Shorah? I...um...I can't say I understand why you're so mad...How to say this...It's okay for you to need help...at least I think so. I needed help when I got to the village, because I was really sick. I came alone and didn't do anything for almost 3 weeks...but everyone was nice to me, and I got better. We all help each other all the time...so what's wrong with us helping you?" She frowned and sniffled.

"I don't know how I can help you."

"Maybe you were helping already...What about 123? What about 111 and 33's chocobo egg?" 44 pointed out gently. She blushed and looked very miserable.

"But that doesn't make any money...the only thing I'm good at...well, it isn't necessary in the village..."

"But money's not so important to us, because we can do so much with our magic!" 163 cried, surprised that she was so upset about something like that.

"No, _I_ need money! I have to save up for my baby, to get a house someday, to--"

"Shorah, do you like our village?" 44 asked.

"Wh-what?"

"Do you like our village?" he asked again, resting a hand on her stomach. 163 was astonished when she covered her face and burst into tears, but 44 appeared to take it in stride. "I thought so…you don't have to take money from those people, Shorah. We can help you out like we help each other," he said softly, brushing her hair away from her face.

"Why are you so n-nice to me?! I _hated _your people for killing my family! Y-you were only nice to me and took care of me and I've only been mean and hateful and do you even _know_ what I am?!"

"Shorah…" 44 tried to silence her to no avail.

"Dear gods, I'm a prostitute! I thought I did it for my family, for my baby…but I'm just a stupid pregnant whore is all it amounts to, who can't even do enough by herself to…to make sure the child lives…who can't save anyone…!" 163 trembled, sorry for being angry, wishing he understood exactly what she was talking about, wishing that she would stop crying. ~I can't watch this…!~ He refused himself the chance to think and pulled her to him, holding on tight. 

"Don't cry…don't cry…" he whispered, his stomach aching with worry. ~I wish I could think of something to say, something smart that would make it better…~ But he could only give 44 a pleading, hopeless look as he rocked her. ~Gods, 44…do something…make her stop…~ 

"It's not good for anyone to be alone," 44 murmured. "Not anyone." 163 swallowed and stroked her back, understanding his friend's subtle point. ~I'm not alone either…~ He felt sad, happy, and worried all at the same time…it was a very strange feeling. After she had quieted and the tears had slowed, 44 rested a hand on her stomach. 

"Why don't you come live with me? My house, as you've noted, is the biggest in the village. You can help me cook when you feel better…and you won't have to do those things any more," he said gently, almost more an order than a suggestion. She stared at him with wide eyes, then looked away and nodded fractionally. 163 sighed, feeling relieved, and oddly enough, excited about the prospect. ~A human…a nice human…living in our village…~ It was something to look forward to, something to take his mind away from the dying. He was a little surprised when 44 lifted her from his arms and stood.

"You don't have to carry me," she mumbled, not looking at either of them.

"You're hurt. It's not a problem."

"I weigh almost as much as three sacks of feed," she said with a halfhearted smile. 44 chuckled.

"You aren't too heavy. 163, which way to the village?" He turned instantly and pointed northwest, where the plains dipped slightly. He was rather proud of his ability to home in on the village—he was very good at it since he'd had to make his way before without help. 44 nodded and started walking. ~Geez, all the way back tonight…well, I guess we can't stick around here, after all…~

"Thanks for coming to look for me," she whispered timidly after a while. 

"Thank 163…he was the one who insisted on finding you." He felt himself blushing and looked away from her.

"You made me mad…" he said in a small, petulant voice. 

"That's okay…thank you, 163. I owe you more…"

"You owe me a big book," he said matter of factly, straightening his hat.

"Yes…I suppose I do, don't I?" She yawned and wrapped her arms around 44's neck. "Thanks, 44. This couldn't have been easy for you," she murmured sleepily. 163 winced guiltily. ~He offered to come with me…I would have gone by myself…~ 44 snuggled her a little closer with a sad smile. 

"I'll take better care of you…"

"Aw 44…folks…die…it's not y'r fault…" she whispered, dropping off to sleep. ~44…don't look so sad like that…~ Yet he couldn't think of anything to say to his friend, and so settled for walking very close beside him as they made their way back to their beloved little village. ~No one should have to be alone…~

Author's notes: There it is…it took forever to write! Thanks for reading so far ^_^. As always, reviews are very appreciated. Tell me what you think! Next chapter: Kuja has a deal for everyone…


	7. Only If

Author's notes: This chapter was surprisingly pretty easy to write, so I was able to get it done a little quicker ^_^. This thing is hazardous to my health…must do schoolwork! *sigh* Anyway, I figure this is still rated PG-13, for language and a little suggestiveness. Hope you like it!

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy IX (and I wish I owned that cool Black Waltz #3 figure!)

How Fair This Place

By Bmv no Miko

Chapter Seven: Only If…

She smiled with a sense of completion as she closed the dusty grey book.

"And there you go—Sir Avon's collection of fairy tales from all around the world." 

"Yeah, and it only took you a week…can't believe you read it that fast! Thanks, Shorah," 163 said happily, tilting his chair back against the wall. She shifted on the counter as the shelf dug into her back and patted 239's owl. It yanked at her hair with its sharp beak. 

"You people need more furniture…I'm always sitting up on these things," she grumped halfheartedly as the owl nipped at her hand. 

"So shoot me," 239 said flatly as he polished a sword. "This is a weapon shop, after all." She smirked, but didn't say anything. 78 sighed and spun the floating ice spell about the room. The air outside hung humid and stifling, so most mages had retreated indoors for the day. Even 44 had suspended his usual daily cooking, since it made his kitchen so stuffy.

"It's so hot…I wish the weather would decide on something for sure…" 78 muttered. "You know Shorah, it's weird how all those stories end so happy. Does that sort of thing happen a lot with humans?" She tapped her toes against the counter thoughtfully. 

"I imagine it does happen…but not a lot. That's why they're fairy tales. We wish for those happy endings, though. Doesn't everyone?" 

"Sure. Just wish we could think of something…" 78 murmured, rolling the ice between his fingers. 163 let his chair thump back to the floor. 

"Well…those people in the book got good things, right? So it's not impossible for us, you know." 

"Suppose not," 239 mused, studying his reflection in the blade of the sword. "I've been thinking…I'm selling these things, these weapons…but they're used to kill. I didn't understand that before…but now that I do, I wonder if we should be dealing with weapons here at all," he said thoughtfully. She shrugged.

"People use them to kill monsters, to defend themselves."

"Yes, but they also use them to kill each other…and I know weapons get resold. What if someone used them to defend against a black mage? Even if it were in self defense, I don't like it. Truth be told," he said, carefully placing the blade back on the shelf, "…I'm not sure I like them being used to kill monsters. I mean, monsters just want to defend themselves too, don't they?" 

"You might be thinking too hard there, 239," 78 said with a frown. "If a dragon were going to eat you but you could fry it instead, what would you choose? I can just see you mourning the dragon's fate then," he said wryly. 239 straightened his hat indignantly. 

"Don't you see, that's the problem! We can't even go to other cities because people are so terrified of us. They just see us and want to defend themselves, and they don't give us the time to show that we aren't a threat!" 

"Well, you both have a point. People are always worried about being safe. To be safe, you need weapons. You have weapons, and there's the possibility that you'll kill if you feel threatened enough. Tough call. I always carry a knife," she said frankly. Just then, the door opened and 55 stuck his head in.

"Come out to the chocobo house. Town meeting," was all he said before leaving. 

"Oookay…that was quick. He was supposed to make the trading trip today," 78 mused, winking out the ice ball. 

"Don't get rid of that! I was going to stand by you outside!" 163 protested as he rose from his chair and they left the shop.

"How about _you_ make it for a while? That's draining, you know!" She listened to them argue while she scanned the mages as they made their way toward the east side of the village. ~Don't want to run into 288 or 56…~ She was making sure to avoid them, mostly because they made her feel awkward. Apparently 56 felt the same, because he always headed a different way when he saw her. 44 assured her that it would pass, but she could tell that even he thought it was just a little strange. It wasn't hard to avoid 288 either. ~He ought to just pitch a tent and live in the cemetery…~ she groused, still stung by how he wouldn't let her touch him even though she couldn't blame him for feeling that way. She could just see 44 coming out of his hut, and decided to join him. 

"Here's your book, 163. I'll be back in a bit," she said, handing him his fairy tales and making her way over to 44.

"Any idea what's going on here?" he asked.

"Not at all. 55 just said to come." 44 frowned and looked to the head of the small crowd, and she could tell that he thought it wasn't good. Someone took her hand, and she looked down to see One. "Hi there. Don't suppose you know what's going on?" She was surprised when the short mage flexed his wings and nodded, indicating with a wave of his hand that he only knew partial details. 

"Everyone here? Good…" 55 started. "I was going to get 288 to talk, but he figures I'd better since I saw…So here it is…I barely made it out of the forest when I saw an airship land, maybe four miles away. You know we don't get many airships in these parts, so I watched for a while. There's a man definitely coming our way, though I couldn't make out much. And…well…he had a lot of us with him," he said with some difficulty. There was a collective gasp and everyone started asking questions at once. 

"Were they aware or not?"

"Are you sure they were black mages?"

"Do you think they'd hurt us?"

"Is it Kuja?"

"Everyone, you've got to be quiet for a second and let him talk…we'll never get anywhere like this," 288 pointed out above the noise. It quieted some, but whispers could still be heard everywhere. 55 straightened his hat a little nervously and tried to answer some of the questions he'd heard.

"I'm sure beyond doubt that they were black mages, and the way they were walking…I'd say that they aren't aware. As for the man, I…I don't remember what Kuja looks like…"

"He has rather distinctive clothing," 288 offered.

"Or a lack thereof," 192 said innocently.

"Well, I don't know what he was wearing…the sun was really bright on his hair though. I think it's white, or maybe silver…" She clenched her teeth and felt One press against her. He bore a very cautious, slightly frightened expression, folding his wings closely to his back. ~That bastard…what would he want here…~

"So if it's Kuja, what do we do? Even if it's not Kuja, what do we do with those mages?" 111 piped up. There was a general silence. 

"If they attack us…" 288 began, then appeared at a loss for words. "I…I don't know. I guess the best we can do now is be careful…everyone should stay inside. I'll meet him when he comes," he said, gaining confidence as he went on. ~Well, that's not much, but I guess it's something…Brave soul, 288.~ She ran her fingers over her dagger blade, wishing that she could get close enough to Kuja without him liquifying her first. 44 seemed to read her mind and took her hand. 

"You come inside with me," he half ordered, half pleaded. "You too, 56." She stiffened, noticing for the first time that 56 was on 44's other side. ~Ah geez 44! Not with him…~ But she was pulled along and decided to humor him despite feeling a trifle indignant and very nervous. One clung to her other hand, dashing furtive glances toward the village entrance. 

Once inside the hut 44 closed the door almost protectively, as though by shutting the door he could keep Kuja out as well. She looked over at 56 and quickly glanced away when she saw that he was looking at her as well. 

"Nothing we can do now but wait," 44 said, dusting off his hands and sitting at the table. He gave her a meaningful look and nodded his head toward 56, who had walked into the bedroom to look out the window. ~Why you sneaky thing!~ She figured he put them together on purpose so that they'd talk. ~And end this stupidity…~ she acknowledged grudgingly. ~Though maybe he just wants to look after 56…~ One let go of her hand and gave her a little push in 56's direction. His expression was almost scolding. ~Okay okay, geez…~ Awkwardly, she made her way over to her rescuer's side. He didn't acknowledge her. Behind her she heard One edge the bedroom door closed. ~Well…I guess privacy is a good thing…here goes…~ She took a deep breath.

"Uh, hi," she said in a small voice, disappointed that that was all she could work up. To her surprise, he answered.

"Hello, Shorah," he said softly, still looking out the window, worried. ~Why is she talking to me oh _gods_ what are we going to do I bet she's mad…~ The room was quiet, and he could almost hear her twisting her hands.

"Is it okay if I talk with you?" He stared out the window, down the empty lane. ~No…~ But apparently silence wasn't a good enough answer. "I…um…I just wanted to say I'm sorry…for…well…if I remind you of something you…oh, I don't know how to say it!" she cried, and plopped down on the bed. Surprised, he turned toward her as she sat hunched over her round stomach. ~Is she sad? Did I…~

"Why are you sorry?" She swallowed.

"Because...I…I didn't mean to hurt your feelings just by being around," she said awkwardly. He frowned.

"What do you mean by that?" She gave him a distressed look.

"I'm sorry I remind you of Mr. 36! There, I said it…" she trailed off softly, not looking at him. "I didn't want to come out and say it…" He felt something inside him constrict at the mention of his friend and turned back to the window. ~I should tell her…I guess…I guess I'm not being fair…~

"I wasn't avoiding you because of that," he said quietly. It was easier to talk to her if he wasn't facing her. 

"Oh…well then…" she stammered, at a loss for words. 

"We're all going to stop soon. You know that."

"Y-yes…" she whispered. He tapped his fingers on the sill, wondering why his heart was beating so quickly.

"So…if I talked to you a lot, and you liked me…I'm going to stop pretty soon…" He gave a dry chuckle. "M-maybe sooner than I think, if Kuja's coming…Anyway…if I stop, you'd be sad right? I tried h-hard…" Suddenly tears flooded his eyes, and he blinked at them, grateful that she wasn't looking at his face. "I tried to make you better…to protect you…I didn't do so good with Mr. 36…44…44 says it's not my fault, but he blames himself for 144…so I think he's just saying it to make me feel better, you know?" He straightened his hat, nearly yanking at it. "And I…I feel so awful about that, being trouble for 44…and not being able to help 36…" He rested his forehead against the windowpane. "I don't want you to feel bad when I stop…I don't want you to feel like this," he whispered, giving a soft sob before he could help himself. He started as a hand gently touched his arm, too caught up to realize that she had come to his side.

"Oh, 56…" she murmured. He pulled away, feeling slightly hysterical. ~Got to calm down…oh, I've got to…36 always said I was too high-strung…~

"Stop that," he said tersely, willing her to leave him be. He dared to give her a 'please leave' look. She smiled at him with tears in her eyes and spread her arms wide.

"56, honey, you're too late for all that…I already like you. I already love you, and all the mages here. I cried when 144 died and I barely knew him…you're too late for all that…if you didn't want me to love you then you shouldn't have saved my life." He stared at her, stunned and aggrieved. ~Why can't I…~

"Why can't I do anything right?" he whispered before he could stop himself. He quickly looked away from her and stared at his clasped hands. 

"56, did you hear that? You saved my life…and my baby's life…and I'm grateful…I'm so glad…" she said thickly, her voice trembling. ~But being sad was all I could protect you from…~ He shuddered as she gingerly touched his shoulder. When he didn't pull back, she leaned in and hugged him. He swallowed and clasped his hands so tight that he was sure his knuckles were white. She tucked her head under his chin and rubbed his back. 

"Y-you shouldn't…" he protested weakly, his throat tight.

"56, when you stop, whose fault will it be?"

"What?"

"Whose fault? Is it 44? Is it me, is it 288? Because we didn't take care of you enough?"

"No! E-everyone…everyone is so nice to me…"

"Then _why_…for the light's sake why is it your fault that 36 died? Why is it 44's fault that 144 died?"

"I-I don't know…!" he said, wincing when he realized how high pitched his voice was, that he was crying, that he was utterly miserable. 

"You just miss him…oh honey, you just miss him…a-and that's part of life…" she whispered, her voice shaking. ~Don't cry…~ With some effort he unlocked his hands and held her back, resting his cheek against her hair, soaking in her warmth. 

"I hate it," he whimpered, his voice cracking. "I hate feeling like this…I wish I could see him again…oh Shorah, I like you so much because you're nice l-like he was…I hope you won't be mad at me for stopping…I hope you won't be too sad…" He nuzzled at her hair, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

"Of course I'll be sad…but this awful feeling passes, 56…it gets to where it doesn't hurt so much…and you'll be able to remember him and be happy and love him even though he's gone…just like I-I'll love you when you stop…" she murmured. He sniffled.

"It's hard to believe…"

"But it's true…it really is. You can't help but be sad for a while, but I don't think Mr. 36 would have wanted you to be sad forever, just like you don't want me to be sad…" He sighed and felt himself relax. ~I'm so tired…~

"I'm sorry if I was mean to you…if I hurt your feelings…" he whispered.

"S'okay…"

"I…I'm really scared…" he confessed wearily. "I'm going to take a nap." ~I'll sleep through it…I don't want to sit here and wait for Kuja like this…~ Reluctantly, he pulled away from her, took off his hat, and hung it on the bedpost. She started and turned her head away. He felt both annoyed and a little touched with the gesture. Slowly, he put his hand to her face and turned her to look at him. Her eyes widened. 

"I-is it okay?" she asked slowly, incredulous. He gave a slight smile, his spirits rising a little. 

"I think so. You're really nice…there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to see me just because you're a human…" he said offhand as he took off his overcoat and his shoes. "What are you so surprised about?"

"L-lots of things! 56, your eyes…they're so _blue_…" she breathed, shocked. He shifted and got comfortable under the sheets, his bones creaking. The bed was so soft and warm and it had 44's comforting smell to it. His eyelids fluttered. ~I might actually get some sleep…~ But he was baffled as to why his eye color would be so important, and so he struggled to stay awake.

"And your eyes are grey. So?"

"I just thought since your eyes glowed yellow that…" He chuckled, amused.

"I haven't seen everyone, but I don't think anyone here has yellow eyes. That's the magic collecting and concentrating around us. Or if it's dark our eyes glow sometimes too. Dunno why…"he mused, then yawned. She sat down slowly on the bed.

"56? Did everyone walk around without their hats before I came?" she asked quietly.

"No…the sun burns us really easily for some reason…so we shield ourselves. It's also kind of a trust thing…I can't really explain it…" he murmured. She rested a hand on his forehead and kissed his cheek. He felt surprised, but in a good way. Warm.

"You should get some sleep," she whispered. "You don't have to be scared…we're all right here…" A part of him wanted to be difficult and wonder just how long everyone would be there, but he was too content to bother.

"I know…" He nuzzled gently at her hand and, spent, allowed himself to drop off to sleep. 

Kuja brushed his hair out of his eyes for the hundredth time, annoyed and cranky. ~What in Eden's name made these silly creatures decide to live all the way out in the middle of nowhere?!~ He stared menacingly at the back of the mage that walked in front of him in case there were an attack. ~They're so convenient for that sort of thing…pity most of them had to be engineered to look so…dumpy.~ Even though the mages surrounding him were under firm control, they had a clumsy stride and were stiflingly dull. He thought about frying one for entertainment purposes, but restrained himself. It would take up time, and he wanted to be in the sun as little as possible—his pale skin was already burning. He adjusted his armor, his lips curled in a gesture of pretty distraught.

~I can't _afford_ to fry anymore of them…~ The thought didn't make him any more content with his lot. ~Without the Mist and the Waltzes, this is it, I suppose…~ He frowned, considering Three, only to push that thought aside as he had done many times before. ~The foolish creature! If he'd ever wake up I wouldn't have to deal with all this…but, as it is, he might not…I don't have time to wait for him…I have a feeling Garland is up to something I'm not going to like…~ He flexed his cramped tail, uncurling and recurling it around his waist. The thought of Garland's interference did little for his mood. 

~I've grown too dependant on these mages…I just need them for a little while longer…until I get my toy…~ He chuckled, his spirits lifting some as he thought of his own genius. ~Speaking of my toy…I wonder if any of my little ornaments made their way to the village…now wouldn't _that _be something!~ His skin flushed just at the thought, and he traced his tail along his thighs with a sigh. It was sometimes a relief to know that he had been capable of true living art. Mass production had been a necessity, but the few that were specially engineered… ~I should never have let them into battle…but then…I always thought I could make more…Still, it's a shame to lose good art…I suppose I had a temporary lapse in good form…~he admitted to himself lazily. Suddenly, he ran into the back of the mage in front of him.

            "Who told you to stop?!" he snapped, then saw the dilemma. ~Where there are owls…where there are no owls…~ He smirked. ~What a quaint little puzzle…~

            288 grit his teeth and pushed down on his staff so that he couldn't tap it, the sun not the only reason that he was sweating. ~Can't let Kuja see I'm nervous…~ he thought to himself as he watched their illusion barrier contort itself to make way for the…visitors. He stood firm in the middle of the path, as though just by doing that he could protect everyone in the village. ~He can't make us do those things again…can he?~ To be reverted back to that awful state was something that he feared more than death. He swallowed, his stomach churning though he felt absolutely resolute. ~I won't let him do it. I'll die first.~ He made sure that he was standing steady as the first black mage pressed through the barrier. His breath caught in his throat when, as a group, Kuja and about 50 other mages stepped through, easily outnumbering the villagers. ~Easy, 288. No matter what…we aren't his toys anymore…~ Kuja indicated that his mages should stop and glided forward smoothly to stand before him.

            "I take it you're the leader here," he said in a soft voice, as though to a child, an eyebrow raised in obvious amusement. 

            "What is your business here?" 288 asked flatly, daring to look Kuja full in the face. 

            "Now now, no need to be touchy," he chided, waving his finger. "I have a proposition to make." 

            "Really?" 288 asked skeptically, glancing pointedly over Kuja's shoulder at the blank-faced mages. "And you had to bring all of them for that?" The silver haired man spread his arms and grinned, eyes glinting.

            "Precautions. Incentives. Whatever you like." 288 tapped his staff before he could stop himself. ~That's what I thought.~

            "I see. I suppose it would be in our best interest to hear what you have to say?" he asked matter of factly. ~I don't think we can fight them…~

            "Of course! Manners, manners. It would be ever so much easier if you came of your own will, you see. I do believe I'd lose some of you if it came down to dirty business, and I need as many of you as possible," he said, crossing his arms over his chest and giving a weighing look. ~Something strange is going on here…It's almost like we're getting a choice…almost.~ 

            "Would you mind telling me first exactly what you want?"

            "Not at all. The truth of the matter is that the Mist is gone and my Waltzes are…out of service. I need some capable helping hands. That's where you come in. I have no intention of sending you into battle, because quite frankly there aren't many of you left. Your people agree to a short…term of service…with me, and in return I'll increase that pitifully short life span that you must have noticed by now," he explained levelly. 288 started, his eyes wide.

            "Can you _do_ that?" he asked, surprised. Kuja gave him a blasé look.

            "I created you," he said flatly. ~He's lying. He has to be lying…word in Conde Petie is that Alexandria just fell this last week…it can't be anything good that he wants us to do…No matter what, we can't hurt people anymore…~ He shook his head.

            "I don't think we can help you," he said firmly, trying hard not to look at the army of mages. Kuja tilted his head.

            "Ah, but my little pet, can you make the decision to live or not live for the entire village? Can you choose their deaths for them? I think not." He brushed his hair out of his face with an affected sad smile and turned to his mages. "Surround the village. Mind your manners—no magic whatsoever." They nodded as a unit and began to disperse. Kuja gave 288 a hard look, and he could tell that the negotiating part was over. "You will take me to whatever makes do for a town square, and you will gather your…people so that I can have a word with them," Kuja said smoothly, and walked past him. He felt numb, stunned, completely run over. ~We really can't do anything at all…~ Every part of his body heavy, he reluctantly followed his creator.  

            44 stood at his front window, watching with worry as some sort of message was conveyed and mages left their huts. He caught a glimpse of Kuja and his expression darkened. ~This just can't be good.~ Just as he expected, someone knocked on his door, and he turned with a sigh. ~Might as well see what's going to happen…~ Shorah gave him a questioning look. He shrugged and opened the door to reveal a rather shaken 189.

            "Um…sorry…but Kuja says he has a deal for us…and he has the village surrounded with a bunch of us who are unaware." He was aware of Shorah standing behind him, the chiming of One's bell, and gripped the doorframe tightly. 

            "How…how many of them are there?"

            "More than there are in the village…whatever he wants from us, he wants it pretty bad. 44, we don't have a choice, I don't think…we have to hear him out…" he said, his eyes wide. He turned to Shorah.

            "I'm sorry…it's our fault you're mixed up in this…" he said apologetically. 

            "No…it's okay," she said quietly, her voice holding a dangerous edge. ~By the gods, Shorah, don't do anything stupid!~ 

"We'll be out in a minute, 189. I have to wake Mr. 56 up." He frowned as One's bell chimed incessantly, and then realized that the little winged mage was trembling. One shook his head, gave 44 a pleading stare, and moved behind Shorah. He gave several sharp tugs on her robes and pulled her back down to her seat. She gave him a strange, compassionate look and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. ~I've never seen One that pale…~

            "I don't think we'll be coming out, 44…" she said in a carefully controlled voice. ~I know you're mad…please, please just stay out of trouble…~ 

            "Okay. 189, they aren't coming. Do me a favor and don't say anything, okay? Just in case worst comes to worst." 189 nodded seriously and shut the door quietly. "It's all right, One. You don't have to go out," he said gently as he made his way to the bedroom. One nodded miserably, scooting closer to Shorah. ~I think One was always aware…Kuja must have been really mean to the Waltzes. It's one thing to be sent unaware to destroy things…but to understand and have to do it?~ He shivered. 

            56 looked so peaceful in sleep. He sighed and touched his friend's cheek. ~Sorry about this…but I'll do my best to protect you, no matter what.~ 56 opened his eyes groggily, awakened by the soft contact.

            "Whatsit? Kuja here yet?" He nodded, trying to look as brave as possible. ~56 has enough to worry about…~ 

            "Yeah. He has something to talk to us about, he says." ~Probably better leave out the part about all the other mages…~ 

            "I'll bet he does. Well, best to get it overwith," he said, rising slowly and taking his hat. ~Wow…that's not like him…~ 

            "Have fun," Shorah said with a slight smile as they made to leave. 44 straightened his hat and grimaced.

            "Thanks a lot."

            After everyone had entered, 163 slammed the door to 44's hut, just because it felt good. One nearly jolted out of his seat, but Shorah held him close. 

            "I take it it didn't go well?" she asked, an eyebrow raised. "Not that I expected anything else."

            "M-manners!" 163 sputtered. He couldn't remember a time when he felt angrier. Even 44's kitchen felt hot and closed in. "Who does he think he is?!"

            "Keep it down, he'll hear you!" 56 hissed. She tilted her head.

            "You boys all look awfully bright-eyed. What did he say?" 163 pounded the table with a fist, his eyes glowing dangerously. 

            "He has the whole village surrounded with poor unaware mages that we can't possibly hurt, and he stands up there half naked and _offers_ us a deal! If we work for him again for a while, he'll increase those _pitiful_ lifespans that he created us with! He knows if we don't take his _offer_ we'll die! What the hell kind of _offer_ is that?!"

            "Calm down, 163," 44 muttered, massaging his temples. 44's words had a strange effect—he felt like he'd been hit with ice water. Sagging, he fell into a chair.

            "Really, what kind of choice is that?" he whispered, barely audible, and laid his head on the table. ~I didn't want to go work for him…He says we won't hurt people though…he says he won't use us in battle…I can't hurt those mages…Oh gods, I wish there were some other way, any other way to live…~ 

            "It's not a choice! I don't like it—he's playing you for fools!" Shorah cried angrily. 

            "We're aware of that," 44 said tersely, hanging his coat up.

            "He says we have two hours to decide," 56 said, his voice rather distant. "I don't think he's lying about increasing our life spans…but I wonder what he's planning on doing with us after that? I…I don't want to be his servant forever…" ~Me either…but I want to live…there's so much I haven't done…~

            "Maybe there's some way we could escape again…" he offered timidly, realizing that it sounded silly. 

            "But Kuja doesn't value life! You should know that! Why would he help you?" Shorah seethed. 163 looked up at her wearily.

            "Don't know. Do you propose that we fight those mages he has outside?" He blinked as she growled—actually growled!—and said nothing. 

            "Well…he does talk like we don't _all_ have to go…I think he's trying to give us a little bit of a choice, for show if nothing else…but the question is, _who_ is going to stay behind and not live?" 44 mused darkly, taking a seat at the table. One rose and cautiously went to look out the window. 

            "I don't know about anyone else…but I really want to live. Maybe we can worry about the details after…you know, take things as they come," 56 said, resting his chin in his hands. "It's pretty much what we've done up until now, anyway…"

            "Probably the best we can do…" 163 agreed. 44 stared at them both with a carefully blank expression while Shorah scowled, lost in her thoughts. One opened the door and quietly slipped out, hands around his bell to keep it silent. ~Wonder where he's headed?~

            He tucked his wings close to his back and slunk along as quietly as he could, trying not to kick up dirt, his heart pounding in his chest. ~God, don't let him see me…~ His knees refused to obey him—they felt wildly unstable. He practically dove into 192's hut when he came to it. The tall mage turned around, startled out of his packing. 

            "What do you want, One?" he asked with annoyance, then turned back to his things. His sleek black cat stretched lazily and rubbed around its master's legs. "Later, Kuro…I'm busy," he muttered, nudging the feline away with his foot. One was a bit puzzled at 192's calm, but took a deep breath and steeled himself for the pain that he knew would come.

            "You're going?" he rasped with disgust, trying not to squeeze his eyes shut from the fire that exploded in his throat whenever he spoke. 

            "Of course I'm going. I can't stay here anymore—I'll go crazy. How about you?"

            "Y-you can't…"

            "Oh yes I can. Maybe you like it here. You were always content to be a lapdog," he spat disdainfully, rummaging for something in a chest. One decided to ignore the comment—arguing about a dig like that would take too much effort. "What a charming dupe you are, 'cute mute little One'…" he muttered, tucking an ashwood wand into his belt. That was just a little too far.

            "You're one to talk! You…of all people…have no reason to go back…" 192 glared at him. 

            "It's not all what you think. 32…32 is going. He doesn't understand that Kuja rarely tells the truth. He just wants to live. Can you blame him? I owe him, so I'm going," he said shortly.

            "J-just for 32?! If Kuja…finds you…he'll be using you to churn out a whole new goddamn army!" he cried, tears stinging his eyes from the pain, his stomach turning. ~I have to stop…I'm going to be sick…~ 192 gave him an agitated glance.

            "All right, you want to know it all? I miss Kuja. Is that enough for you?!" he said, suddenly quiet, his voice shaking. One's eyes widened in shock. ~How could you be so dense and stupid?!~ He tried to keep his voice as level as possible.

            "Two, he doesn't love you." The tall mage's face grew pale, though from indignation, fear, or fury he couldn't tell. 

            "Don't _call_ me that! I don't want him to find me, for God's sake! I just…I just want to see him again for a while!"

            "Think why you had to escape last time…he _cut off your wings_, you fool! Is it worth the destruction that will come if he…he'll use you and you should have sense enough to know that!~ he cried, then leaned against the wall as dizziness overtook him. ~I can't believe both you _and_ Three were stupid enough to go back to him after you'd failed your biggest missions ever!~ "If…if you're hoping for a good tumble and you think he won't find out…" he tried, but began coughing, his chest wracked with pain. Grimacing, he wiped rivulets of silver blood away from his mouth. 192's eyes were distant; he stood straight and still.

            "I'll do my best. If…if he does figure me out…I'll correct it before more mages can be…made…" Slowly, delicately, he pulled his dagger out of his belt and ran the blade over his pale wrists. "I will…but I can't stay here any longer and be a nothing."

            "Two…don't…"

            "You don't understand. It must be nice for you, _that girl_ always doting on you. Some of us have to take it a little rougher," he whispered, barely audible. One felt stunned. ~She'd love you too if you weren't always so hateful!~ "I won't tell him about you being here." One had no energy left to stop him as he whisked his way out the door with cold, floating grace. All he could do was cough and struggle to breathe.

            111 felt that he was driving himself mad, pacing a rut in the floor of the tiny chocobo house. 33 sat in the corner, quiet and dejected. 

            "There has to be _something_ we can do!" he muttered for the hundredth time. "We can't just _leave_ it here like this!" He stopped and laid his hands on the egg, warm and small and full of life. ~But only if we take care of it!~

            "I know that, 111," 33 murmured wearily. "Do you know if anyone is staying?"

He shot a glance at his beloved friend.

            "I don't think anyone is, and I know _you _aren't!"

            "But 111, we can't leave it…" He took a deep breath. ~This is a life. This is a little baby that needs a mama…and if we don't take care of it…I don't want it to be confused like we are…~

            "I'm suggesting _I_ stay, silly," he whispered, his mind made up. It hurt, and he was frightened, but he knew that if he left and lived while the baby chocobo died, led on to think it was safe…he'd always feel like he'd done something unforgivable. ~But I don't want to be alone here…~ 33's eyes widened, and he stood.

            "So…so you're suggesting that I go on and live…and that I watch you die," he said softly, pain lacing his voice. 

            "I'm giving you the best option!" he cried, frustrated. To his surprise, 33 smiled sadly and shook his head, laying a hand on the egg.

            "You seem to really not want me to stay…" he pointed out gently. ~Because I…~ He blinked and bowed his head.

            "You shouldn't have to die so early," he whispered, realizing that he'd been caught. ~I don't want to watch you die either…~ He felt a hand under his chin, and lifted his gaze to 33's eyes. He swallowed, suddenly understanding as his friend leaned in to hug him.

            "Together," 33 said softly, firmly. "We took it in together, we'll hatch it together…and then we'll die together so we won't make each other hurt. Okay?" He nuzzled at his friend's cheeks and nodded, unable to let him go as his heart fluttered. It was an odd feeling, and he wished it were somehow possible to get closer to his beloved 33. ~You've always been so warm and nice…~ Blinking back tears, he wondered why he still felt so sad even though they had come to the true best decision.

            She stared at the tabletop, her teeth gritted as she tried not to add her opinion to the ongoing conversation. It was clear that there was no good answer, but she was so angry that such a fact didn't really matter.

            "—and I think that maybe if we watched each other like that, and made sure we didn't get separated, then I guess it should be okay…" 56 was explaining hopefully. ~He's going to kill you. Dear God, he's going to kill you and you're walking right into it…~ She wanted to sympathize. ~How would I feel if I knew I were going to die like that? Would I do the same thing they are if offered the chance?~ She shuddered as she realized that she didn't know. ~I knew they were going to die…but I'd hoped it'd be more peaceful than this…~ There was no room in her mind for Kuja telling the truth. ~I have to get out of this hut…I'm going to say something that's not going to help matters any if I don't get out…and I need to find One. He's terrified of something, and he's been gone too long…~ She rose slowly, and the conversation stopped.

            "Shorah, where are you going?" 44 asked, rising as well with concern.

            "Out." He straightened his hat, a his eyes locked on hers with some sort of emotion that she couldn't identify.

            "Shorah…"he said carefully, "…you might think this is silly, but I have the strangest feeling that Kuja shouldn't see you…" 

            "I won't let him see me," she gritted out, moving for the door.

            "Shorah, please…" Her heart caught a little—he sounded so desperate and worried. ~I hate to not listen to someone who actually cares, but…~ She tried to soften her expression some.

            "I've got to get out because I'm about to say something I'll regret, I just know it…"

            "This is the only chance we've got, Shorah…" 163 protested, and even though she knew he didn't like the circumstances any more than she did, it made her even angrier.

            "You want to live? What about…what about all the people he's probably going to send you to kill?" she said coldly, her stomach tight. ~Oh, I'm sorry! I love you so much I don't want you to die but I don't want you to hurt people either…~ Her sheer helplessness felt so crushing.

            "H-he says he won't send us into battle…"56 said timidly. It was obvious that he didn't believe his own words. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to calm herself.

            "You people are smart, you really are…but there's nothing that can make up for experience, and he's using you because of that…you're just choosing between dying at the hands of his mages now or dying at his hands later after you've destroyed more people. A fine offer that is indeed. I hate him so much I could…" ~Light, why can't I say anything comforting?! Do I think they aren't scared enough as it is?!~ She felt on the edge of hysteria, distanced from herself. 163 pushed his chair back roughly and stood, his eyes glowing white.

            "And what do you want us to do?! Just what is your grand solution here?! You don't know how this feels because you're a human and you were born an innocent baby who never had to hurt _anyone _and you were always guaranteed a long life! Well _excuse_ me if I don't want to hurt those poor things outside, if I want to live, if I'm just buying time!" he shouted, furious. 56 stared up at him, stunned. 

            "163, sit down," 44 said quietly. "We killed her family, remember?" 163 trembled and silver suddenly shone in his eyes. 

            "I'm sorry if I don't know what to do…I'm sorry that I can't come up with anything…" he said in a shaking voice, then took his seat, his eyes distant. After an awkward moment, 56 scooted closer to him. 44 gave her a cool look.

            "I hope it made you feel better to say that." ~As a matter of fact, it did. ~She swallowed, fully aware that she'd said something awful, but the shame was refusing to come up like it should. ~I almost feel like two people…~

            "I'm sorry. I'm not myself right now. I'm going to find One. He's been gone too long. I'm sorry everyone, really." She was disgusted with how monotone her voice sounded, how unapologetic she seemed. "I know it doesn't sound like it, but I really didn't mean it…" She gave a half bow and exited before she could say anything else damaging to the already low morale. ~I'll just go to One's hut now…I'll try again…at least _he's_ not going.~ 

            She made her way over the dirt paths quietly, her steps quick and tense. She had an odd sensation of being stalked, as though Kuja could see her from anywhere. ~I don't want to see him, not ever again…~ Something shiny on the ground caught her eye, and she stopped in shock. ~Their blood…that bastard! He hasn't already hurt someone, has he?!~ She followed the droplets, her stomach aching as she realized that she was headed for One's place. The door was closed, and she could hear him coughing inside. It was a wretched sound. She felt cold all over, fearing the worst, and knocked.

            "One? I'm going to come in, okay?" Of course, he didn't answer. She opened the door slowly, steeling herself for anything. He had pulled the drapes down so that the room was dark, but she could see that he was hunched over and struggling for breath, a bloodsoaked rag at his mouth. She shut the door and hurried to his side, anxious to do something, to not feel so helpless, furious with Kuja. "Honey, what's wrong, what happened?" she asked softly, trying not to scare him. He shook his head, his eyes closed tight, and laid a trembling hand on his throat. She scrutinized him closely, even felt for herself after he'd removed his hand, but she could feel nothing amiss. 

            "Poison?" she voiced out loud, starting to feel frantic. ~I need help…~ But he shook his head again. Suddenly she noticed how cool it was in the room, the light shining in his right hand. Her eyes wide, she watched as he formed grain-sized ice balls, but quickly lost them because his body was shaking so hard that he couldn't grasp them. They were all over the floor, melting. Suddenly, she connected two and two. "Make some more and give them to me," she ordered, gaining confidence. He nodded gratefully, and she observed carefully as he formed more, caught them when he dropped them. "Here," she whispered, lifting the snow-like substance to his mouth. He took it with a gasp and tried not to cough as it trickled down his throat, freezing and soothing. After several times of doing this, his coughing became less severe—the blood stopped coming. She sighed with relief.

            "You worried me so much, One…" she whispered. To her surprise he leaned into her, shaking from the effort and the tensity that had enveloped the day. She wrapped her arms around him and rocked gently. "You must be very sick…" He flexed his wings weakly and shook his head. She frowned. ~Maybe he just doesn't want to think he's sick…I guess I'll humor that, considering how wonderful I was to everyone else earlier…but he sounds so awful…~

"One…can you walk to come back to 44's hut with me? I need to talk to them before they leave…the two hours are almost up. And I want to look after you, okay?" He looked like he wanted to protest, but instead sank against her with weariness. "I know you're tired and you don't want to go out…but I don't want to leave you here alone. I wonder…" she mused, looping an arm under his knees and lifting experimentally. To her surprise, he was very light. ~Must be because he has to fly…not that I've ever seen him fly…~ He looked a little shocked, and she thought for a moment that she'd offended him, but he closed his eyes and snuggled closer to her. ~Right…~ 

Carefully, she made her way back to 44's. Mages were starting to leave their huts, some just standing back and staring at their homes as though memorizing every feature. She awkwardly pushed her way inside without knocking—no one was in the house. ~What if I missed them?~ she thought frantically. ~It could be revenge for not saying goodbye like I did…~ Gently, she set One down in 44's large bed, still rumpled from where 56 had been. "I'll get you some water," she said softly as he sat back against the headboard, still hemming for breath. 

As she entered the kitchen the door opened and 163, 56, and 44 filed in. By then she had the good grace to be ashamed, but knew that she couldn't waste time with awkwardness. ~They have to leave soon…~ 163 refused to look at her, and 56 appeared very uncomfortable. 

"I just have to get my things now, and we'll be ready. I won't be long," 44 assured them, and went into the bedroom. ~Did he just completely ignore me because he's angry or because he's in a hurry…?~ She eyed the other two mages and was suddenly frustrated rather than ashamed. She walked briskly to them and rested a hand on each one's shoulder.

"Come on, let's not part in such a bad mood. I know what I said was awful. I'm just scared…just worried to death about you, that's all. I'm mad because I can't do anything and I took it out on you…I'm really sorry," she said earnestly, relieved that she genuinely felt her words. 

"You're worried about us?" 163 asked in a small voice, twisting his hands. She blinked back tears.

"Of course I am…I won't be seeing you for a while…and you've both been so nice to me! You're like my new family…I'll miss you a lot…promise me you'll take care of each other?"

"Promise," 56 whispered, and hugged her. "I'll be careful…I'll be so careful so that no one has to be sad…will you…um…will you tend to Mr. 36's grave while I'm gone? I'm sorry…I promised myself I'd take care of you…but this is all I can do…" She kissed his cheek. 

"It's plenty, it's more than enough what you've done for me already. I'll take care of his grave really well, I promise."

"And you won't leave?" 163 asked in a hushed voice. "You'll be here when we get back, right?" Her heart lurched—though she tried to push the feeling down, she couldn't make herself believe that they'd return. She hugged and kissed him as well.

"I'll be here when you get back," she promised, looking him directly in the eyes.

"Sorry I yelled at you…er…well, not really, but…" he attempted, and she managed a smile.

"I had it coming to me."

"Is One okay?" 44 asked, suddenly behind her. She shook her head.

"I don't know what's wrong…but he really doesn't seem too concerned… I just want to watch him, that's all."

"Okay, sounds fine," he said shortly, taking off his coat and rummaging through a trunk to exchange it for another that he didn't mind getting travelworn. ~He's really shaken…I don't think I've ever seen him so…cold and distant…~  She sidled up to him. 

"I'm sorry 44…Sorry I'm not brave like you…I just can't believe you're going like this. I'm scared half to death and…I…I just don't want to lose anyone else…but it wouldn't have killed me to hold my tongue," she whispered, wiping away a few tears that got loose. He stood slowly and turned to her, and for an agonizing moment she thought that he was going to leave without forgiving her. Instead, he smiled sadly and took off his hat. She gave a little shriek and covered her eyes with her hands, but he pulled them away with soft laughter. 

"Gods, it's okay. I wanted you to see," he said, grasping her wrists in his large hands. She closed her mouth when she found that it had fallen open. 44 looked strangely…right to her. His skin was a deep golden brown, his hair straight and glossy black, neatly cropped at shoulderlength. His eyes were black as well, twinkling and gentle even in fear and sadness. He looked peaceful, sturdy, healthy, as though nothing could move him. "Well, my goodness, I don't think I look that bad," he said with slight amusement.

"You…you're brown as a native, like you've been in the sun all your life…" she whispered, touching his face. "You look so different than 56…" 

"We all look different…though I have to say there aren't many black mages my color. It's kind of weird," he said sheepishly. She shook her head slowly.

"You're beautiful…not in a conventional way, but you are…" 

"W-well…anyway…I wanted you to see…I want you to know that I trust you, that I don't spite you. I want you to know that I know it's incredibly awful of me to do something like this to you right after I offered to let you live with me. It's awful because we've already hurt you…but I need you do understand--," She put a finger against his lips. ~Oh, you just made it worse…now I just want you to stay even more because I know you really do care about me…~ She leaned in and hugged him, trying to memorize the feeling, a lump in her throat. ~Oh please God, if there is anything holy, please let them come back okay…~

"I understand, Mr. 44…do what you have to do and don't worry about me. I'll be fine here. I'll take care of the house if you want…" He held her back, swallowing.

"I'd like that. Why don't you and One stay here while we're gone? You shouldn't have to be alone…oh, I'm sorry about this. I don't like it any more than you. I'd rather die than hurt people again…but I can't let 163 and 56 go alone. They don't always handle bad situations well…a lot of us don't…"he whispered. 

"It's okay, 44. I love you so much—you're just such a sweetheart, you know that? You'd better go…I can hear it getting louder outside." He pulled away awkwardly and nodded. 

"I love you, too…we'll come back, don't worry," he assured her, and she could tell that he didn't know if they'd get to come or not. ~Thank you, 44…for being a better friend than I am…~ Slowly, he picked his hat up off the floor and donned it, his face instantly clouded in black. 163 opened the door with a deep breath.

"Wish us luck," he said, and hurried out, as though if he stayed any longer his resolve would shatter. 56 stared after him, worried but resolute.

"See you, Shorah…" he said softly, his eyes begging forgiveness, and followed. 44 took a deep gulp of air, trying to prepare for anything that would come, loathe to leave the only home he'd ever known.

"Thank you," was all he said before he shut the door, but it was heartfelt. She physically felt the loss—it felt as though her whole body would never move again. ~Don't leave me…~ She had a wild urge to run out to them, to get them back and do something, anything to show how important they were to her. Even to go with them. She took a deep breath and leaned against the door. ~This won't do…I have to be calm. Water…I have to get One some water…~

            123 watched as everyone congregated around Kuja, his stomach fluttering as he ran his fingers over his flute. ~I shouldn't go with him…I…~ He felt deathly afraid for some reason, beyond the worry about leaving home, beyond the rational fear of Kuja that any sane being should have. ~But everyone else is going…24 is going…I don't want to be left here…I want to live too…~ For what seemed like the hundredth time he wished there were some other way, any other way, than trusting Kuja. He sweated slightly as he fumbled with his prize possession, its polished silver glinting in the sun. There was something about it that he connected to Kuja, and though he thought of the flute as a comfort, he had a nagging, relentless feeling that it should be left behind. It was almost as though the flute alone was good, but the flute and Kuja combined were bad. ~But who is staying behind…?~ He tapped it in his hands, trying to think quick. ~One. One is staying back with Shorah…but 44 said they're both living in his hut…~ He hurriedly backtracked and tried the door to the hut, but was confused when he recognized a seal spell. ~Okaay…~ He moved around to the front window and knocked. After a moment, Shorah appeared and opened it.

            "Is something wrong, 123?" she asked, her voice tight. She was obviously shaken and a little pale. He suddenly felt very awkward. 

            "I…ah…Oh, Shorah…I'm sorry about this but God help me I want to live!" he cried desperately, hoping she'd understand. ~It really _will_ be my fault this time if I hurt anyone…gods…~  

            "It's all right, 123. I think I understand."

            "Listen, I know this is short notice but I…I just can't take my flute with me. I…um…I'm afraid I'll lose it," he covered, not wanting her to know how afraid he was of Kuja. "Could you ask One to look after it for me? And you too, if you don't mind…" he asked nervously, straightening his hat and dashing glances toward the assembling mages. 

            "Sure," she answered, and he gave it to her reluctantly. 

            "You'll take care of it, right? It's…it's my favorite thing…"

            "I will. You take care of yourself, okay?" He swallowed and nodded.

            "And while you're taking care of things, you _will_ remember to feed my cat," 192 called as he walked by, waving at her with a smirk. She glared at him, and if anything his step grew jauntier. ~What's he so eager about?~ 123 wondered, realizing that he had to hurry.

            "I'll do my best not to do…anything I'd regret. Sorry, but I've got to go!" She smiled weakly, and he made back for the group both relieved and perplexed. ~There's just so much I don't understand…~

            288 felt stunned, numb, as he watched nearly everyone that he loved and had tried to protect line up single file behind Kuja. ~He says we can live…he says we can live and I can live with them too if I just go! If I just…~ But he couldn't make himself move, couldn't reconcile living with the possibility that he would murder again. He had a sneaking suspicion that many of the mages who were leaving really didn't understand the implications of what they were doing. ~I should have told them sooner…I shouldn't have let it get out as an accident like it did! Everyone would have had time to calm down and think more…~ He watched as they slowly began to move, marching away, aware and unaware side by side. ~They're leaving me…I…~ He dug his staff into the ground, trying to anchor himself in a reality that suddenly seemed almost bizarre. ~I was just trying to take care of them…we were doing so well and it comes to this…maybe we really are nothing more than the docile tools of humans…~ A commotion behind him startled him, and he made his way toward it without taking his eyes off of his parting family. 

            "Let me out! I at least want to say good-bye!" He recognized the seal spell and dazedly negated it. The door flew open, but he prevented her from leaving, unsure of why. She tried to push past him, but when he didn't move she stood on her tiptoes, an agonized look on her face as she watched the last of the mages pass through their illusion—quaint defense that it turned out to be. ~I tried so hard to keep us all safe and happy and together…~ "288? Mr. 288, aren't you going to go?! They're leaving without you!" He stared at her for a moment, then turned his gaze to the empty space where everyone had been. Her face crumpled, and she leaned against him and wept. He just stood for a long time, utterly defeated. 

Author's notes: Well, that was a little shorter than my usual, but I was pretty happy with it. Did anyone suspect that 192 was really Two? I hope I didn't make it too obvious before!  I'm actually surprised that I still found time to write this this week, but it's kind of relaxing after working all day. Ah, black mages—they have so many uses! As always, please review and tell me what you think—it's greatly appreciated. 


	8. Anything But Lonely

Authors Notes: Sorry everyone! This took forever for me to write. My muse suddenly went on vacation and all of the year-end stuff came around…and I started playing FFX (which I really didn't have time for ^^;;)…but hopefully this chapter will be okay. Since there are so few people left in the village it was rather difficult, and I took a couple liberties with the timeline of the game. Also, I changed my pattern—around this middle of this chapter, I started using italics for thoughts, which is what I usually use, but for some reason they weren't formatting earlier. Anyways, R&R is always appreciated!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy IX, but I love it anyway ^_^. 

How Fair This Place

By Bmv no Miko

Chapter Eight: Anything But Lonely

She sighed as she smoothed out the mud she was using to repair 44's hut, pushing the straw together tightly. One stood by, her constant companion, ready to apply the weak fire that she needed. ~It's a good thing 55 taught me how to do this…I never realized this place needed so much upkeep…~ She'd assigned herself the duty of making sure the village was in good shape for everyone when they got back, and that meant pulling up the weeds, mending the houses, feeding the chickens (and 192's cat), and carrying on 44's cooking. On clear days the goblins might come in, and she'd helped 44 enough to know his recipes so that she could sell them biscuits and cakes, as well as the excess eggs. There were a lot. The cheerful, colloquial goblins were helpful and brought back anything that she asked for, sparing them all the trading trip since there were so few mages left. The Torre yanked and pulled at her consciousness harder than ever, a nagging force at the edge of her mind that she couldn't bear to give up. ~Promised I'd stay here…~ She reminded herself for the hundredth time. 

            It was awkward living in the village with most everyone gone. She had tried several times to approach 288 within the last several weeks, but he seemed more in a daze than ever. She chewed her lower lip, worried. ~I wish I could get to him. 56 was sad and I could help him…but then, I didn't stab 56 either…it almost seems like it makes 288 feel better to sulk like that…~ 288 spent most of his days at the cemetery, as usual, but she had the feeling that it wasn't the same as the numb pain that 56 felt. Just looking at 288 hurt her, the way he stood looking lost, as though he bore the sadness of the ages. Her stomach rumbled as the smell of the roast she had slow-cooking drifted out of the kitchen. She gave the mud a final pat and stepped aside.

            "Ready for you, One." He nodded and concentrated hard, his hands to the wall, and she felt waves of strong heat though the fire never appeared. "I think you might be getting better at that." It had become clear early on that fire was not the Waltz's forte, but he could do all sorts of useful things with ice, like cool down a room or keep the food fresh. She wiped at her brow, leaving a smudge of mud, and shivered from the chill of autumn. ~Though we could really go with some fire now…~ One turned to her and smiled, signaling that he was finished. She eyed the setting sun.

            "I think that's it for today, yeah? I wanted to try to invite 288 for dinner tonight. D'you think he'd come?" He tilted his head and shrugged, flexing his wings. "Well, he's not been eating, and he's obviously losing weight. I'm not sure if he's sleeping either. He'll get sick if someone doesn't do something…How are you feeling, by the way?" He nodded and put his hands to his chest. She eyed him skeptically, but he gave her an innocent look. ~What could that have been? It hasn't happened again, and I guess it's okay since I understand him anyway, but still…~ Perhaps out of a will to change the subject, One hefted the half-full bucket of mud and headed toward the pond. "Be there in a minute. I'm going to tell 111 and 33 that it's about an hour till dinner." ~If they'll come out…~ 

            Even though she was frustrated with them both because they often missed meals and the outside world to stare at their egg, she felt a deep admiration and was a little envious. They were obviously in love with each other, and it was so poetically bittersweet and tragic that they were going to die together in childhood over the evanescent life of a bird. She wanted to kill Kuja. ~That kind of idiotic love story should never happen…~  She also couldn't help but feel a little mystified, caught between the mages' paradox of selective adult knowledge and childish wonder. ~Do they even _realize_ that they look like a couple? Am I perceiving it different than they are?~ The door to the chocobo house swung open just as she got there. 

            "What is that you've got cooking, Shorah? I don't think 44 ever did anything like that…" 111 said, and took a deep breath. "It smells great."

            "It's a roast. Are you actually going to come eat this time? Both of you?"

            "Sure, if you made enough we'll come. Didn't eat lunch, after all." He stepped back and looked her up and down, surprised. "You're a mess! What in the world have you been doing?" She stared at down at herself in dismay.

            "I didn't notice I'd gotten that dirty…I've been mending the huts. You know, so everything's okay when everyone gets back…" 111 scratched the back of his head, suddenly sheepish and stricken.

            "I…uh…I suppose you could use some help with all that, huh?" he asked, shuffling his feet. "Have you been doing that much lately?" She felt a little stung that no one had noticed, but shrugged it off.

            "I'm done for today…but yes, I've been doing a lot of the upkeep. It's okay though, since I never helped out before, really." 33 emerged from the hut with a frown.

            "No…it's not okay," he said, staring at the little chocobo house. "We built the place, and we should help…it's just that we…sorry we've been so inattentive, Shorah…" he whispered, lowering his eyes.  She smiled, pained. ~No, it's okay because you don't have long left…raise your baby and get something out of life…~ Of course, she couldn't come out and say something like that, so instead she said,

            "It would just make me happy if you'd come eat. I always make enough for you, so I'm worried when you don't come. As it is 288 has me at my wit's end. Have either one of you had any luck with him yet?" They both shifted uncomfortably, and finally 111 spoke up. 

            "It was hard to talk to him before…he's just so much smarter than we are…and now…well…neither one of us can think of anything to say to him. I think we're probably worried about the same things…but we have something to look forward to, you know?"

            "You and One keep each other company, too…how to say this…we all love 288, but he's never really…well, I guess it comes down to what 111 said. It seems like he's always so far above us, always explaining things to us…I think he loves everyone so much that…if we lost 288 it just seems like the whole place would fall down. He's our leader, our guide…" 33 finally drew an exasperated sigh, frustrated that he was unable to explain exactly how 288's link to the rest of the village worked, why it was so hard to approach him. 

            "So…so no one's spoken to him at all?" She tried to control her voice, but she felt aghast. ~Light, I wasn't saying anything because I make him uncomfortable…but I thought sure someone else might be helping him out!~  

            "Well, it's not like we haven't tried…he just doesn't seem in the mood, you know?" 111 pointed out. She gritted her teeth and nodded. ~This isn't any good, that's for sure.~ 

            "I guess…maybe I'll try to talk to him later. I'm going to try to invite him to dinner. When he comes, please please talk to him, okay? I don't want him to feel alone, you see?"

            "If you can get him to come. He's never there eating when we are," 33 said dubiously. 

            "Oh, he'll come. He's got to eat. I'll guilt him into it if I have to." The other two mages shared a glance, clearly not understanding what she meant. "I'll have dinner ready in about an hour, okay? I have to wash up and make the rice." 111 straightened his hat and winced self-consciously.

"Do you need help?" he asked in a small voice. She grinned. 

"With the washing or the rice?" He drew back, stunned, and she laughed. "You boys are so easy…" Even the mirth hurt. ~I wonder how everyone is…if they're even alive…~ She turned towards the cemetery, determined and for the first time a little annoyed with 288. ~You're wasting your time…everyone else is trying so hard and you're just giving up…~

He shielded his eyes and looked into the setting sun, enjoying the beautiful colors, noting sadly how quickly they were taken over by hues of indigo.  A chill wind blew at him, but he took no note as his skin prickled. He'd been cold for some time, so a little breeze wasn't going to matter. He stared at the graves and wondered again why it was that they were there, that any black mage ever existed at all if their only purpose was to die. Of course, he'd been through that philosophical circle and many others while he kept his vigilance at the cemetery. ~Is there no answer to anything?~ He tapped his staff softly against the ground, observing as it barely indented the soft earth, and felt small in comparison to the world, helpless. But that was also a feeling he'd grown used to, as well as the feeling of desperation just beneath the surface that he tried to keep quiet.

A part of him had believed that he'd feel empty when everyone was gone, but it turned out to be quite the opposite. He was so full of worry, heartsickness, and physical fatigue that he wondered if it might be a blessing to stop. He felt tired inside of everything in general—it seemed like whatever gave him his spirit before just wasn't working like it used to. His traveling companion Mr. 48 had died on the way of extensive wounds. After he found the abandoned village, other mages had just started showing up, as though pulled to the area. He had taken it upon himself to forge them into a community, to get the trading started, to make sure everyone was okay. He'd done it all without expecting support in return, never considered that he'd need it himself, but now everything seemed to be wearing thin. He blinked wearily and stared off into the dusk. ~I should be talking to someone…this isn't right…~ It was amusing in a cynical, dark sort of way, since he had always been the one to encourage the others to talk, to start them down the path of a new life after seeing so many horrendous things. Yet he himself could not bear to speak, even though he knew it was good for him. ~I can't worry everyone that's left with things like that…it would be silly…~

Part of it was that no one seemed really intent on speaking to him. He realized that he hadn't exactly made himself available, but it still hurt. ~I was always looking to make sure everyone was okay, always trying to solve whatever was wrong…but now look at what it's come to…maybe they're mad because I couldn't help…~ He swallowed at the lump in his throat. ~I'm being self-centered…and I'm just feeling sorry for myself…but…~ He realized that he might need to be proactive and actually ask for help, but he couldn't bring himself to do that, either. ~Not right now…I can't make anything worse for anyone right now…~ He nearly jumped out of his skin when a hand tapped his shoulder.

"288? Sorry, I've tried to get your attention three times now…" He leaned heavily on his staff, trying to overcome the dizzying wave of heat brought about by his sudden movement. He groaned as she looked him over with concern. "Are you okay?" ~No…no I'm not okay…~

"I'm fine…is there something you need?" He winced, hearing how terse and snappy he sounded. 

"I need you to come and eat with us tonight. I cooked something that's kind of hard to make, so I want you to come," she said with an edge to her tone. He blinked, surprised. At the reminder of food the dull pain and nausea that had persisted in his belly for days flashed into a sharp cramp. Gingerly, he placed his hand over his stomach and shook his head.

"I…I don't think I can. I'm just not that hungry…" he explained, trying to soften his voice. He realized that he was being cross and unfair, but he didn't particularly feel like talking to a human. ~Are we really their slaves…is that really all we can do?~ She raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms over her chest.

"How can you not be hungry? I haven't seen you eat in days." 

"I've eaten."

"When?" He closed his eyes, trying to remember, and was surprised when he couldn't. "That's what I thought. You'll come to dinner, right?" He suddenly, randomly felt defiant.

"I said I don't want to!" 

"And I'm saying you're going to die if you don't eat!" And she burst into tears. He blinked, stunned, and raised his hands in a placating gesture. He wasn't sure what he'd expected, but this wasn't it. In a slight panic himself, he decided to revert into counselor mode and try to solve the problem—he had been good at it when everyone was there. 

"Don't cry, don't cry…here, sit down…I-I'm sorry…" He gently pushed her into a sitting position on the stool that he'd set out for himself. She wiped at her tears and hid her face from him, and he felt distinctly guilty. ~This is all my fault…~ "What's wrong? Maybe it would help you to talk…?" he prompted softly. She sniffled for a while and collected herself.

"What about you? W-why won't you talk? I know you don't l-like me, but…" 

"It's not that I don't like you," he said quickly. 

"Then let me see how your shoulder healed," she said petulantly, though he could just sense an accusatory hint in her tone. He winced and nodded, delicately sliding his coat off, eager to make something, anything, right. She stared at him for a moment before rising. He looked away, his stomach churning, as she softly touched where her knife had plunged in. It still hurt. It was going to take a long time for the injured muscles to heal completely. "I can't be any sorrier for this, you know," she said quietly, her voice strangely calm. He bowed his head.

"I know," he whispered, feeling lost. ~I made this worse, and I did it on purpose…~ He was shocked to realize that he hadn't wanted to forgive her, that he'd always thought it enough to just allow her to stay in the village. ~Just what have I become…?~ It didn't fit the image he had of himself. 

"You're awfully warm," she said after a while, "…and this isn't healing like it should because you haven't been eating or taking care of yourself…" 

"I know," he said again, his voice catching. He struggled to keep his control. ~I have to be strong and wait!~ She placed a hand against his chest and asked him to breathe in and out, which he did even though he was unsure of exactly why. A cool hand pressed against his forehead, and he shivered involuntarily, his skin prickling again. 

"Oh, honey…you're sick," she murmured. He found her eyes compassionate and attentive when he finally drew up the courage to look at her. His heart clenched. ~She…she feels the same way I do about them…~"You need to eat and get some sleep…but I know sometimes that's easier said than done, right?" He swallowed, unsure of how to answer.  "Why don't you go lay down, ne? I'll bring you something to eat later…and some of 163's medicine too."

"But I…I promised myself I would watch for them…" he said in a small voice, surprised at just how exhausted and sad he sounded. ~I _am_ stronger than this!~ She gently pulled his coat back into place and smoothed it over.

"I think they'd want you to be okay when they came back, you know…and staring at the horizon isn't going to help anything. You'd help them more by making sure everything's in place for them when they get back. I can't help but think they won't be in a very good mood…so this place has to cheer them up, right? They'd be sad to come back and find you sick." He nodded wearily, his whole body suddenly limp. It sounded perfectly logical, and he was tired of thinking. It was good to follow for a change and not think. 

One sat back and sighed, fluttering his wings. _She's always been a good cook…_ He eyed her approvingly as she talked with 111 and 33. Though he could never join the conversation without serious pain, he was content enough to be near her and others of his own kind. He straightened his hat, smirking. ~Our own kind…I wonder what Three would have to say about that…~  

The brooding Waltz had despised the black mages, sometimes going out of his way to incinerate them if they happened by. ~If it would have been easier to make Black Waltzes, Kuja would have killed Three a long time ago for wasting property…~ But as it were Zorn and Thorn had used up the last bit of their creating abilities with Three, so it was take him or leave him, and Kuja had chosen to take him. One frowned. ~I wonder where Three is now…I haven't heard from him at all since I got here…though Two said he was the last being sent out on a mission…~ He shuddered. ~Probably dead, and the better for him if he is…he was miserable…~ 

It still made him sad to think of the day that Three was born, pulled from warm safety into harsh reality as they all were. He had dreaded that day, since Two was already such a torment, and the third was sure to be stronger than that—and meaner, if Kuja had his way. ~By the time Three was born…I knew what it was to hurt and kill…~ That fact made it so much harder to watch his little brother's training, the magical pummeling that Kuja ordered the black mages to commit day after day—far before the young Waltz could fight back. Of course, that was in addition to whatever Kuja inflicted himself. One tapped his fingers on his knees and observed gentle 33's soft contours. ~It's so deceptive…so hard to believe they could be that awful…~ But under mind control, they _were_ awful—cold, unfeeling, merciless creatures and Three's only companions in his younger days. He smiled sadly. ~It's no wonder he was so happy to fry them when the tables turned…~

 Suddenly, he was aware that the conversation had halted into uncomfortable silence. He perked up, trying to gather what had happened. 

"I don't think you want to know what I really think, 111…" she said cautiously. 

"Then it's not good," he murmured, staring down at the table. One watched with fascination as 33 gently took his friend's hand. It was a possessive, comforting gesture, that of a lover, and it both surprised and disquieted him. ~Gods, not so soon…they can't be…they'll die sooner that way…~ He gritted his teeth and willed himself not to stare. ~If I had any courage at all, they wouldn't have to die like this…but I can't…~ He tried to relax as Shorah absently put an arm around his shoulders. Despite everything it was comforting, but the niggling shame refused to leave him. 

"But just because I think something doesn't mean that will happen…" she tried to save, but he could tell that she knew it sounded weak. "Well…I mean, it's possible that Kuja won't hurt them. He can't make anymore, right? So he has to have the ones that he has if he wants any at all." One frowned darkly. ~He has Two. If the idiot can just keep his head maybe it'll be okay…but knowing Two, he'll ruin everything…~ Two had what he considered to be uncurable bad luck. Despite his natural grace, if there was an accident or a mistake to be made, Two was going to be in the middle of it. It was his natural tendency to failure that had prompted Kuja to order the creation of the more precise, deadly Three. ~Even _I_ could summon useful creatures in battle…~

"That's true…but if he needs them, why would he let them come back?" 33 piped up softly, his grip on 111's hand tight. There was another long silence. 

"I wish I could do something about this!" Shorah finally said irritably, running her fingers through her hair. "But that would practically require knowledge of the secret of life, and no one knows anything about that! There's theories…but that's pretty useless right now." 

"What are the theories?" 111 asked after a moment, his gaze distant. She raised an eyebrow at him.

"Oh? Well…people who are about to die say that they see a white light, that they travel through a tunnel. Some even claim to have seen the afterlife, a god or a dead relative saying it's not time to die yet. So they do live, but they have a sort of new wisdom. You know, because they've died and come back, and all of the rest of us have to guess about what happens when we die. It's said that those people understand the secret of life, but it's such a sacred thing that they can't share. Like I said though, it's useless… because you have to die and be lucky enough to come back. And that's just one theory—there's tons." One stared at his hands and felt slightly nauseous. ~I know how you can live, and it's so simple…but I just can't do it…~  He chanced a glance up at the somber pair, both staring into the distance and numbly resigned. ~You'd never understand.~

She sighed as 288 stared at his cup of roast stew, but made no move to eat. She wanted to be annoyed, angry, and perhaps she was a bit…and yet she couldn't help but feel overwhelmingly sympathetic. ~He knows just how likely it is that they won't come back…At least the others have the benefit of the doubt…~ She wanted to give him time, lots of time, but for black mages such a thing was a precious commodity. 

"Are you going to eat that sometime tonight?" she finally prompted. He shifted some on the bed and kicked the sheets back. She watched his skin prickle again with the fever, and wondered if maybe she should fetch a doctor. 

"If I eat it I'll be sick…" he said through grit teeth, not looking at the food. She chewed at her lower lip self-consciously. ~It _is_ a bit much for someone who hasn't eaten in a long time…what he needs are crackers and ginger ale…maybe orange juice?~ But she knew that they had none of those things in the village. 

"Here, give it back…I'll take all the big stuff out and you can drink it, okay?" Even without the meat and carrots, he looked at it dubiously. "288…"

"I know," he finally said, and quickly took it all at one shot. She winced as she took the cup from him. 

"Are you going to be sick?" 

"I hope not," he said in a tight voice. 

"How do you feel?"

"Tired. Hot."

"You're hot because you're hungry and you've made yourself sick."

"I know." ~He's really not going to argue with me about anything, is he?~

She tried not to jostle him too much as she took a seat on the bed and felt of his forehead again. ~That's too hot…this isn't good at all…~ Anxiously, she pulled a sleeve back some, and was relieved when he still wasn't black. 

            "You need to get out of this coat if you're hot. I'll wash it for you. You should have taken it off earlier."

            "Knew you were coming." She refrained from rolling her eyes with some effort. ~They're all so modest, for the light's sake!~

            "Well, I've seen a guy without his shirt before, dear." She blinked as he fiddled with his hat and took it off instead. "Okay…" she said slowly, not certain that she understood. 

Yet again, he didn't look like any of the others that she'd seen. He was naturally pale-skinned—the worry and lack of sleep hadn't done a thing for that. There was an ageless smoothness to his features, as though he might be very young or very old. His hair was unruly and silver, and she wondered with alarm if that was a sign that he was indeed getting old, if black mages physically aged quickly. Yet his most striking characteristic was his slanted, ice blue eyes, of which she'd never seen before but heard of in elves. She almost wished she hadn't seen—his obvious pain was heartbreaking. ~Oh 288…what in the world did they use to make you…?~ He began taking his coat off, and she helped him once she realized he was in pain. "Thank you for trusting me…" she whispered, and he nodded silently. "Why don't you lie down, see if you can sleep?" He rubbed at his eyes, then rested his face in his hands.

"I don't think I'll be able to…I haven't been able to sleep in so long…" he said in a strained voice. Even though she knew he was hot, that he might not appreciate it, she put her arms around him gently. He tensed, then to her surprise leaned against her, into the touch. 

"Worrying like this isn't going to do any good…I know it's hard not to, though…" He didn't answer, so she just held him as an epiphany made its way into her thoughts. ~Even me…I saw him as someone older, someone wiser and more mature. But he's really as young as the rest of them…what if he's needed to be touched all this time, too? Has anyone ever helped him out at all…?~ Naked and in this state of poor health, he suddenly seemed so vulnerable to her—more a frightened child than the wise creature that had allowed her to stay even though she caused such pain. ~You just seem so much smaller now…even if you _are_ bigger than I am…~ She rubbed his back, smoothed his soft hair. "Do you want to talk about anything?" she asked gently. 

"Not really…" 

"Are you sure? It might help you sleep…"

"There's no point in burdening people with that sort of thing right now. It's bad enough as it is," he murmured. "But I apologize for hurting your feelings, for avoiding you."

"Apology accepted. Yet, if I may…I want to hear what's wrong…it must be so awful if it's making you sick like this…"

"That's why I don't want you to know…I've made things bad enough as it is." She frowned and hugged him a little closer.

"288, you can't make their choices for them, and you boys couldn't exactly fight Kuja and your own kind. This isn't your fault, honey." 

"Y-you know as well as I do that…that they don't stand a chance with K-Kuja…" Her heart twinged, and though she knew it for the truth, she couldn't bring herself to say it.

"The chance might be slim, but it's always there, 288. It's always there."

"I should have told them about death sooner!" he cried, agonized. She clenched her teeth and pulled him tightly to her. 

"And do you think then that they would not have gone with Kuja? They'd have been in the same fix when he came…and what they choose isn't your fault. It was very, very brave of you not to go…" she whispered, rocking him gently, alarmed by the heat of his flesh against her. 

"I feel like I abandoned them…I should have gone with them…!" he whimpered, curling his large fingers into her robes convulsively. "I'm not brave at all…I'm not even really a leader…and if they're angry with me, I deserve it…! I helped them through a lot of things that were nice to teach, but when it gets bad…I…I don't even know what I'm doing!" he admitted miserably, his body shaking with silent weeping. She interrupted him quickly before he could be any more self-deprecating, shocked that he didn't realize how important he was.

"288…everyone here loves you…" She swallowed at the ache in her throat. "We all love you…n-no one really knows what to do…everyone's just doing their best, a-and so are you…" He was silent save for whimpering—even in despair he could not bear to let go. She held him close, her heart heavy as his fingers clenched and unclenched on her shoulders. "We all love you…we all love you…" she whispered over and over, hoping that it would somehow help him to be kinder to himself, that he would believe it. One of his hands tentatively drew down to rest upon her stomach, and by and by his whole body went lax. Tenderly, she laid him down and pulled the covers over him. Even in sleep, he appeared troubled. 

33 straightened his hat and kept under the eaves of the chocobo house. The air was chilled and humid as the last thunderstorm of the season roiled overhead. The whole village smelled of damp straw, and the little stream had already begun to flood. ~What should we do if it floods a lot?~ A crack of lightning startled him, but he felt safe enough. He stepped back inside.

"Do you think she's okay traveling in weather like this?" he asked anxiously, twisting his hands. 111 shrugged uncomfortably.

"I guess so…she's a lot older than us…so I guess she knows what she's doing." 33 wasn't quite happy with the answer, but it would have to do. "She's probably going to stay the night in Conde Petie and come back with the medicine tomorrow. It's too bad 163 took his supply with him."  He stared at his shoes—water had gotten into them—and felt guilty.

"You know we probably should have gone instead. It's not fair for her to do all of this work…she was supposed to be a guest, you know. And she's…well, I guess she has an egg too. It's not fair." 

"I know," 111 said quietly, studying the large egg as it wiggled. "But _our_ egg is going to hatch soon. It's not like we didn't offer to go. There's too much to be sad about…let's not think about it, okay? Come on 33, our egg's gonna hatch!" he cajoled, his eyes shining. He sighed and smiled, unable to help himself. _We've been looking forward to this for so long…_ Carefully, he knelt down and pressed close to 111, and they both observed their egg in excited silence.

"I…I really want to pick it up, but I know that's not good…" 33 said restlessly. 

"Well…" 111 said slowly, and rose on his knees with some effort. "If we just do this…" He pressed his ear to the egg, and his eyes almost immediately lit up. "33, come up here and listen to this!" he cried. Curious, he did as he was asked. Instantly, he was greeted with the sound of tiny peckings and weak chirping. 

"I-it's really alive…" he exclaimed with wonder. "I think we did it right…"

"Yeah…" 111 whispered, his eyes glowing softly. 

"I wish everyone could see it hatch…" he said wistfully.

"Me too…" Gently, protectively, he caressed the egg and hoped the baby inside could feel that it was safe. Yet he was troubled. ~We…we're going to die…all of us…maybe even while it's still a baby…we won't be able to take care of it…I wish I could find out the life secret like Shorah said…~ His thoughts drifted as 111's hand brushed against his cheek.

"Will you stop worrying? Will you please stop thinking about those things for now?" he admonished gently.

"But 111, we_"  111 suddenly embraced him and held him close, one large hand rubbing his back. He blinked, uncertain, then gave himself up to the feeling—even though he wasn't quite sure what it was. 

"I know that. Believe me, I know. But right now, I just want to pretend that everything's okay…I just want to think that I'm good for something besides killing… that I actually did something right…can't we just enjoy that for now and not worry?" he pleaded quietly. 33 felt tears sting his eyes as his brother absently traced at the scar on his side. ~Do you remember doing that? I never told you…~

He certainly remembered the first time he met 111. The town was a blur, but he remembered the sodden alleyway that he had cowered in when he realized that he was in battle, that there was blood all over him, and he couldn't escape. He had been terrified nearly senseless as he'd watched the humans and other mages set upon each other, rending bodies and lives to pieces. One black mage, slimmer than he, had blocked his vision and set to systematically blowing up every human that came near him. 33 wasn't sure what had come over him then, but he wanted the mage to stop with every inch of his being—and so he'd tackled him and dragged him into the allyway. He smiled ruefully. 111 had fought viciously, was hopelessly covered in slick gore, and was in fact stronger—escaping the full force of the fire had just been lucky. It was also lucky that 111 woke just as 33 lost his strength. ~I would have died…He would have killed me…~ They had lain there, panting and staring at each other, frightened and worn out as screams and explosions sounded all around them. They had been bound together ever since. 

He nuzzled at his brother's neck. ~We'll take care of each other…just like we always have…~

"I'll try not to worry," he promised. 

One stretched out his wings anxiously and shivered as he stood watch at the village entrance. The cold humidity had settled into the soft down beneath his wings, and no matter how he curled in upon himself he couldn't seem to get warm. _She should have been back by now…I wonder if she made it okay through that storm…_He wanted badly to search for her, wished he would have gone with her in the first place. _She doesn't need to be going anywhere alone if she's taken to sleeping with people for money…almost stupider than Two…_ His eyes narrowed and flashed red-gold—his worry about the foolish girl and incompetent Two, his stupid fear of leaving the village, the humans that had randomly shown up, the clammy dampness—none of it did anything for his mood. 

            He stared at the forest entrance. _I wonder what I think's going to get me out there. It's so stupid…I can freeze any of those monsters in a heartbeat, and it's not like Kuja's going to fly like a pixy out of hell to take me back…_But he could not gather enough courage to leave. _Maybe it _is_ Kuja…_ His eyes flashed darker crimson, and he sank to the ground with a wave of dizziness. Water soaked into his robes. Shuddering, he took several deep breaths to calm himself and just barely resisted the urge to frost one of the forest's resident owls into a thousand icy shards. _Nothing good has ever come of this!_ His chest heaved with the effort of control. _The stupid bitch! To have the nerve to be a whore after everything Kuja…_He shook his head and grit his teeth. _I can't think like this I can't…_

            "One, darling, are you okay?" He jumped at the sound of her tired, concerned voice, then sagged with relief and shame. _I can't even keep a good watch…_ She reached out a hand and pulled him to his feet. "You shouldn't be sitting on the ground like that—you'll catch cold. And then I'll have to deal with two of you." He swallowed and looked up at her, her face white from fatigue and her clothes disheveled. _Did you travel all night to get back soon?_ He felt suddenly more depressed and sad than angry. _I should have gone…_ She knelt down to his height and hugged him, and for some reason the closeness made him tremble from head to foot. He clenched his fists. _I thought you might run away with the Torre…that you might die…_ "You were waiting for me, weren't you?" she murmured, smoothing his hair. "Oh, look at you, you're all damp…go on inside, okay? I'll make us some tea after I give 288 his medicine, all right?" He nodded, but made no move to leave. _Why do you always have to be so nice?_ Awkwardly, he wrenched himself away and pulled on her sleeve. She blinked, and her eyes narrowed when she realized what he was trying to do. 

            "Did he leave his hut?" One nodded miserably. "And after I…" She appeared furious, and it hurt because even if it wasn't true he imagined himself to be the target. As they made their way up the path, they came into contact with the group of humans. Even though they'd been in the village before, One could not like them. He eyed Zidane with clenched teeth. His memory of fighting the boy was blurred around the edges—he'd been under the red haze, the madness, at that time. But it was enough to know that Kuja had been willing to rid himself of his first Waltz just to give the perky blonde monkey a hard time. _I hope you're proud of yourself for defeating me alone, for killing my Sealion…and you didn't even think about what would have happened to me if I hadn't fought!_ He realized that he was being bitter and feeling sorry for himself, that he was acting like Two, but he couldn't bring himself to care. 

            "So we meet again! Too bad we're just leaving," Zidane grinned. "We're kind of in a hurry this time." _Good._ He stumbled some as Shorah pulled him close, and whether she was trying to protect him or tell him to mind his manners, he couldn't be sure. 

            "Where are you off to?" she asked as kindly as she could, though One could tell that she was tired and in a hurry to be in the village.

            "To find Kuja," Vivi said solemnly, nodding at her.

            "Well, good luck, I guess…" She started suddenly. "If…I guess you noticed nearly everyone's gone, right? If you see them, tell them I said hi, that I'm still waiting…and I miss them a lot. Please?" 

            "Sure, I'll tell them…even if they won't talk to me…" the little mage answered softly. "Sorry we can't stay…"

            "That's okay…" There was an awkward silence, and Zidane scratched the back of his head.

            "Guess we'll be going…" One let them pass with relief, though he didn't mind Vivi. The diminutive mage paused, then turned toward them as his friends continued on. 

            "Will you do me a favor? I-I don't know how you can…but could you help Mr. 288? I like him a lot, but he's so sad…please help him understand that there's _no way_ that we're just puppets," he asked, his voice intense. Shorah nodded.

            "I will." With that, he ran to join his friends. _How can you be so sure of all that, little one?_ They made their way to the village, and he felt her tense when she saw 288 walking on the path to greet them. 

            "What are you doing out of your bed?! I just walked all day and all night _through a storm_ to get you medicine and you…you…" she cried, trembling. 288 appeared stunned and held his hands up defensively.

            "We had guests…I w-was just trying to be civil…" he protested, albeit a bit weakly. She sagged and massaged her temples.

            "Okay…please…just lay down, 288," she whispered tersely. One watched with astonishment as the wise mage's gaze turned inward, and he mumbled a few words of acquiescence. He followed them to 288's hut, where she fussed over the sick mage in a tender if rather cranky manner. He watched with envy as she snuggled him for a moment and whispered to him after she'd given him the medicine, then tucked him in. He was amazed with how quickly 288 dropped into slumber. _He must be really tired…_

            In silence they made their way back to 44's hut. She stretched and hung 36's old pack on a peg by the door. 

            "Bless you One, for having a fire built already." He shrugged and hung his hat up beside the pack, too wet and grumpy to care. She gave him a startled look, then smiled and ran her fingers through his wirey silver hair. "Thanks. I love you too."   He froze, stunned, as she turned away and lifted the already filled kettle onto the fire. Tears stung at his eyes, but he wiped them away with annoyance. For some reason, he felt even worse. His breath just wasn't coming right. Quietly she peeled off her damp clothes, her fingers shaking with exertion. The firelight bathed her full belly with an orange glow as she laid her robes over a chair before the fireplace. He stared at her stomach with fascination and sadness. _You'll love that baby more than you ever cared about me…_He shivered and sneezed. Though the room was warm and homey and full of the smell of bread, he was still damp and cold and depressed. 

            "Are you hungry, One?" she asked as she pulled some earthen goblin teacups from the pantry. He shook his head absently. He heard the clinking of the dishes as she set them before the fireplace, and then looked up as she turned toward him. "Why don't you get out of those clothes. They're all wet." He hugged his robes to himself and stared at the floor. _Don't want you to see._ She tsked and knelt down to his height. He hated that, and wished fervently that he were taller. Her hands gripped his shoulders, and he reluctantly met her concerned eyes. He thought that she would say something, but she just stared at him for a long moment, then felt of his forehead. His skin prickled, and he hugged his robes closer. 

            "Dear light, if one gets it you all will, just like in my old village. But it won't be so bad for you since you've been eating and the like." He looked away, disgusted with himself for being sick, for being trouble. "I'm not angry with you," she amended gently. "But you need to get out of these clothes. I'm naked as a jaybird, and I realize you boys are modest, but when you're sick it's okay." He gave her a questioning glance. "It's okay for me because I'm pregnant and uncomfortable," she explained matter-of-factly. She rose in an ungainly fashion, and went to the bedroom. He watched, shocked, as she came back and laid his nightrobes over the warm kettle. Once again, tears blurred his eyes. _Y-you used to do that for me…you used to…_ Sniffling quietly so that she couldn't hear, he began removing his robes, his heart heavy. She smiled at him and placed his clothes beside her own.

            He tried to cover up the worst of his scars in vain. His cherubic, shaggy wings wouldn't even wrap all the way around his chest. _I hate being naked…_He chewed his lower lip in embarrassment, realizing how pathetic and scrawny he must look. _Two and Three turned out so tall and graceful…_ He could almost feel her eyes widening as she took in his marred skin. Kuja had come to call it tattered, worthless hide. _But he did it himself! He had the nerve to lose interest after he did it all himself!_  His skin prickled again in a wave, and he felt sick to his stomach. 

He didn't fight it when she took his hand and pulled him closer to the fire. He couldn't bear to look at her. A hot rag pressed against his forehead, and he shuddered, hugging himself. 

"I know…just need to get cleaned up a little, okay?" she whispered. He took a deep breath; his chest hurt, and he wondered if she was beginning to remember. She passed the hot rag over his cheeks, between his wings, but the fire evaporating the water made him shiver even more. "No good, huh?" she asked after a while, and he shook his head, staring at the floor. She sighed and let the rag drop, then pulled his robes from the kettle top. She straightened them out and pulled them over his head. He shrugged his wings through the back and hugged the warmed cloth to his body, glowering through the tears. Though he had used to enjoy the gesture, it didn't hold the same appeal at the moment. _I'm not a child…_

She silently filled their cups with hot water and put in the tea leaves, then handed him his. He sipped it slowly, allowing it to warm his hands. She sighed.

"I'm really hungry, but I think for now I'll suffer…I'm so tired I'm about to cry…" It was quiet again, save for the rain pattering on the roof. "One, something wrong? You're awful quiet today." He shot her a murderous look, a little meaner than he'd intended, and she recoiled. "Okay okay, bad choice of words, sorry…I just wasn't thinking…" she muttered, swirling her tea self-consciously. "I meant…I meant that you're reserved. Not yourself." Of course, he didn't answer. "I'm sorry…I guess…If I've been too free with you, I'm sorry. I'm just a little lonely, that's all. I didn't mean to make you feel bad," she whispered, staring into her cup. He frowned. _I know I'm not making anything better…_

"If you really don't want to stay with me, you don't have to, you know. 44 just kind of decided to suggest we stay together; I thought it would be okay, since you like to follow me around…" He stiffened and grit his teeth, remembering how Two used to mock him. _You'll never be anything more than a lapdog, One…you'll always just be a tool for better people, living in their shadows…a mute little oddity…_ He gripped his cup tightly. "…I mean, I never knew why you liked me so much," she said reflectively. "It's almost like you recognized me. But no matter what, I can't remember anything… You know, I like you One…you've always been kind to me…and I was just trying to be kind back…but I have a feeling you aren't so little, and I kind of treat you that way because… well, maybe because I want something to take care of, and I'm about to have a baby, and you're so small that I think you're a child…How old are you anyway?" she asked suddenly. Tersely, he put down his teacup and held up both hands, disturbed to find that they were shaking. 

"Ten? Wow…that's older than any of the others…but you're still a little boy, by human standards, you know. 'Course, I'm only four or five years older than you…and I'm rambling. Gods, I'm tired." She put her cup down and rubbed her eyes. "I won't touch you anymore if you don't want it, though…I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable, and I'll try hard to treat you like you're older, okay…? I'll try hard," she promised wearily, and rose awkwardly from the floor. He swallowed and shook his head, Two's voice filling his head. _Mock me all you want, One…but you want it just as much as I do. The difference is that you fight it and I don't. Kuja tells me how you cry when he's with you, how much he likes it when you're miserable…You know, I wish he wouldn't talk about you when he's with me, because quite frankly it's disturbing- _He jumped when her hand rested on his shoulder. 

"One, you really aren't okay, are you?" He trembled and hugged himself, pulling his wings close. _I didn't want it! I just wanted…I just…_ "Come on, let's go to bed," she prompted gently, but he didn't want to think about beds. He didn't want to move. "Please, One, please…I'm tired, and I don't want to go to bed and leave you up sick," she pleaded. He looked timidly up into her ashen face, hoping she wouldn't notice the tears. She stared at him for a moment, then sighed turned for the bedroom. He blinked, stung bitterly. Whatever he was expecting, it hadn't been that. His tears finally leaked out. His knees gave way, and he slowly lowered himself into a crouch and wiped at the tears that wouldn't stop coming. _Why am I crying? Why can't I ever just stop crying?! _He clenched his teeth, trying to keep himself from sobbing, to keep the fire from exploding in his throat.  

Suddenly, the overquilt from 44's large bed fell around his shoulders, and he couldn't bear to look up and let her see him in such a state. When she knelt to his height, he looked away.

"That's what I thought," was all she said before pulling him close. He took several deep breaths, but couldn't stop the keening whine that rose in his throat. The fire pricked at him, warning him to remain silent. "It's okay, One…I'm going to pick you up, all right?" she whispered, smoothing his hair and snuggling him close. He nodded weakly and hooked his arms tightly around her shoulders, trembling violently and sick to his stomach. 

She moved to the bedroom and tried to set him down on the bed, but his arms were locked, and he couldn't make himself let go. After a bit of shifting she managed to get them beneath the sheets, and then she pulled him closer and rocked him, kissing his heated forehead and cheeks. He clenched her tight, afraid she would leave and follow the Torre, afraid Kuja might find them, miserable for the village's sake, miserable in general. 

"Don't leave me anymore…" he half whispered, half whined, before he could stop himself. Sharp pain exploded in his throat, and he moaned, which only made it worse. 

"I won't leave you, One…I promised everyone I'd stay…it's okay…" she whispered fervently, stroking his wings and hair. "I always figured you might could talk…you should talk more…it's okay to talk…" He shook his head.

"H'rts…bad…" he whimpered, tucking his head beneath her chin. The feeling was comforting and familiar, and he relaxed a little, trying to calm himself. Annoying little coughs began, and he hoped desperately that they wouldn't develop into anything worse. 

"I see…" she whispered, as though she finally realized something. "I think I see now…you were trying to talk that day…when everyone left…" He nodded, and tried to situate himself around the roundness of her stomach. She kissed the top of his head, nuzzled at his damp cheeks. "It's okay then…you don't have to talk…I think maybe I usually understand you anyway…Oh, don't shake so, One…you're safe here, there's nothing to be scared of…you know…even though I can't remember in my mind…it's a little weird…but it's like my soul thinks you're familiar…and I want to keep you close, One. I do." He squeezed his eyes shut and hugged her tight, willing the pain to fade. _Don't ever leave me again…_ It was silly to believe that she could still protect him from Kuja, but at that moment he chose to believe it with all his heart. 

111 stared at the sticky, bedraggled little chick, still full of wonder and the strange feeling in his chest even though the creature had hatched the day before. It chirped and fluttered its wings weakly, its neck wobbling under the weight of its overlarge head. _It's so cute…_ He darted glances toward the huts, anxious to tell the others the good news. _Everyone went to bed so early yesterday and they're sleeping forever…It's amazing, so amazing…we helped something live and be born…_ He sniffled, and his heart swelled, he was so proud. 33 had left some time ago, so overcome that he needed tissues. He grinned at the thought of his brother being so emotional. _He's usually the one guiding me along…what in the world could be taking him so long?_

"I'll be right back, so don't try to move or anything, okay?" he told the chick, and reluctantly stepped out. _Maybe he's at the hut and he's just thinking…_ But a quick check of their home revealed that he wasn't there at all. 111 leaned against the doorway. _That's odd…_ For some reason, a twinge of worry settled into his chest. Frowning, he made his way to 44's, where Shorah was just opening the door and stretching wearily. "Hey, have you by any chance seen Mr. 33?" he asked, bouncing from foot to foot.

"No, but I just got up. Why?"

"Well…our chick hatched!" he announced proudly, then felt a little guilty since he hadn't waited so that they could tell people together. _I just won't tell anyone else._ Her eyes widened and she gave him a brilliant smile.

"That's great 111! I knew you boys could do it…after all, you were both trying so hard…I'm really happy for you! Can I see?" she asked with excitement. 

"Sure, but…well, I probably shouldn't have told you without 33, but I can't find him…so I wanna wait and we can show you together." She tilted her head.

"Okay, that sounds fair…so where do you think he went?"

"I…I don't know. To tell the truth, I'm a little worried…" he said softly, then perked up when he heard splashing. "Maybe he went down to the pond to wash up or read. I'll go see if he's there."

"I was headed that way anyway. I'll come with you." They walked down to the pond in companionable silence. The sky had cleared, and the air was pleasantly cool. He smiled, grateful for the change. The pond was smooth and green, the leaves golden and bronze. The smell of autumn was in the air, and despite everything it was good to be alive. But 33 wasn't at the pond. 

"Well, that's odd…he likes to come down here and read sometimes, so I thought_" he mused, his hands on his hips, but was cut off by a loud splash. He watched the girl swimming awkwardly, her eyes wide. _What in the world…?_ He followed her gaze, then felt his blood run cold. His brother was in the water, facedown and still. "T-that's not g-good, is it…?" he murmured to himself, his face pale as he tried to remember if water could make you stop. He wanted to help, but he felt rooted to the spot and knew that he couldn't swim. "What do I do…?" he whispered helplessly. "What do I do?" He watched her flop his traveling companion over on his back, his blonde head lolling lifelessly, as she struggled toward bank. He found it hard to breath, an iron band choking out his air, and suddenly he was wading to meet them, his heart racing. The water was terribly cold, but he paid it no mind as he clenched 33 into his arms. She was panting and hemming for breath, but pushed him toward bank. 

"Get him…on land…" she ordered breathlessly, her robes sticking to her like a second skin. Eyes wide, he obeyed, unsure of what else to do. He stared down at the pale face, horrified as he watched muddy water seep from his friend's mouth. In a panick, he turned to Shorah.

"What can I do?! What do I do?!" he cried, wringing his hands. She didn't answer him, but fell to her knees and placed her hands over 33's chest. 111 watched in terror as she bore down on his friend hard, over and over. The body lurched and bobbed, but nothing happened. _33 you can't stop you can't not when our egg just hatched you can't…_ He finally gained his voice. "W-what are you doing…y-you're hurting him!" 

"No I'm not!" she said so viciously that he stepped back. Suddenly there was a gurgling sound, and 33 jerked over and began coughing up water. She pulled away, gasping to regain her own breath. 111 dropped to his knees, sickening relief flooding him as he pulled 33 to his chest, then shook him.

"What the hell were you doing?! I thought you stopped! I thought we were going to have to bury you!" he cried, his anger giving way to tears. "Don't you ever do that again…not ever again…" he murmured. 

"I-I just wanted to find it…" 33 whispered in a pained voice, then began coughing again. 111 pulled away and took in his friend's sad smile. 

"Find what, the damned bottom of the pond? Gods, I thought you were stopped!" 33 shook his head weakly.

"The secret, the life secret…" He began to tremble, and reached his hand up to rest on 111's cheek. "I-I tried hard to find it…s-so everything…everything would be okay…s-so we…we…b-but I c-couldn't…I d-didn't see anything…" he whispered apologetically, his face crumpling slightly. 

"33, you didn't!" Shorah cried in an anguished voice. "It's a theory…that doesn't make it real! You could have died!" 

"'M sorry!" he whimpered, and covered his face. 

"Don't Shorah…you're scaring him…" he whispered, drawing 33 to his chest. She lurched forward and wrapped her arms around both of them. 

"I'm sorry…I didn't mean for…I didn't think you'd actually…" she ground out breathlessly, holding them tight, the three of them a soaked, trembling heap. 

"Just wanted to help…" 33 whispered thickly after a while. "I just…" But he fell silent, and with a little cry raised a weak arm to point behind them. 111 turned and gasped at the same time that she did. One was gazing at them in shock, and at his side was 44—thinner, and with a sadness in his eyes that hadn't been there before. He sighed and gave them a weary smile, his hands on his hips.

"We leave for just a little while and see what you get yourselves into."

Author's notes: Can't believe that this took so long to get out, and it's even kind of short for me! Oh well. I hope it's okay since I had so few characters to work with. Sorry if the ending's a little hurried, but I finished it at 3 am. I'll try to post again as soon as I can, but bear with me since next week is Finals Week ^^;;. As always, reviews are greatly appreciated. 


	9. Carried by Heartache and Wings

Author's Notes: Sorry this one took forever to get out—now that finals are over, I have a full-time job ^^;; that takes up a lot of my time. Anyway, this is the last chapter of what I'm going to call the first half of the story. Don't worry, I do intend to finish—I've gotten some emails from worried people. It just might take me a little while though! As always, please please review, as it's very appreciated ^_^. Oh, before I forget: There is some mentioned yaoi in here, so be warned!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy IX, but I still love my black mages!

How Fair This Place

By Bmv no Miko

Chapter Nine: Carried By Heartache and Wings

44 frowned, staring past the ball of dough that hovered, baking, between his hands. _Thought I'd be hungry for cakes after all that…but…_He hadn't really been in the mood for vanilla cakes since 144 had died, and he'd only been able to sit and watch. Still, it would be a waste to do nothing with the stuff after he'd mixed it all up. _Maybe someone else will want it._ He gave a brief backward glance over his shoulder. Shorah and One sat together at the table, both quietly reading books they'd borrowed from 163. It was almost time for bed, and the owls were calling in the cool night air. The fire crackled, but although the place looked wonderfully cozy in the orange light, the atmosphere was tense. The silence was beginning to wear on him. _No one's talking since we've come back…but we're okay…I guess…_ He suddenly noticed that he'd baked a rather lumpy little cake. Disheartened, he set it aside for the chickens and brought up another ball of dough. _We didn't hurt people directly…but we still helped them to be hurt…I shouldn't have gone. At least everything looks okay…_ He had been surprised upon his return about just how little mending the village needed. _Shorah and One did okay without us…_ Though the greeting was a little disappointing. He'd hoped that everyone would be…oh…a little more overjoyed to see them. At least then they could have begun again on a happy note. But it was fast apparent that 111 and 33 had their own troubles to deal with. 288 had counted to make sure everyone was present, and looked as though he might weep the whole time. And Shorah had simply stared at him, speechless, and hadn't said much of anything for the last several days. He sighed and let the ball drop into his hand, half cooked.

"Time for bed, 44?" Shorah asked softly, closing her book. He nodded and leaned against the rough counter.

"Yes, I suppose so. I just don't have it tonight, I guess," he said, trying to sound cheerful. _Someone has to do something…since we're all going to die soon and these are our only memories, I don't want to spend all of my time dreading the future…_

"You can have your bed back, you know."

"Don't want it. You and One sleep there." She gave him a look that was dark and sympathetic by turns, but headed for the bedroom. The truth was that he hadn't slept well for the whole trip and his luck didn't seem to be changing now that it was over. _Thought it would be better when I was home, but…_ The day they had returned Shorah and One had both worked hard with him, helping him cook—he had been so antsy, and it was the only thing he could think of to calm himself. They went to the back to take a nap, and he'd left them until dinner. Went he went to wake them, he'd had trouble doing so. One, who always radiated so much power, looked like a child curled in his mother's arms, and both of their faces were so peaceful that there was a funny feeling in his chest. He'd wanted to touch them, to feel like they did, to be a part of that moment…but he wasn't sure if he'd ever be part of anything like that. He didn't know precisely what it was, but it made him feel sad that he didn't have it, and it needed to be preserved. So he let them have the bed. 

With a grunt he plunked down into the tattered green armchair beside the window. He'd mended it where it had busted, but it was still a little lumpy. After shifting for a moment he got halfway comfortable. He could just see into the back window of the item shop, where 163 was slowly rearranging his books, an air of sadness and defeat about his movements. 44 looked away and closed his eyes. _We're going about it the wrong way…_ He tried to think of something, anything, that could make things okay again, but he had a feeling that this disappointment was indeed the last straw for most of the village. 

His thoughts drifted, and he slept fitfully. Even the gentle tolling of the grandfather clock at the synth shop woke him, and he after a while he felt vaguely sick to his stomach. He sat up and rubbed his eyes wearily. 

"Trouble sleeping?" Shorah asked softly from her spot by the fire. He blinked, a little surprised.

"What are you doing?" he asked groggily.

"Can't sleep either."

"Oh…is One okay?"

"Yes, he's fast asleep, bless his heart." She nudged a few sticks into the fire, even though it didn't really need it. The wood popped and whined, but save for that it was quiet. He stared at her back, the way the fire shone on her hair and made it golden orange, then wondered why he was staring and looked away with shame. _This is no time to be jealous of…of…_ He flexed his hands. He couldn't quite think of what he wanted, but felt distinctly lonely and bogged down by the sadness. "Hey 44? Look at this." Curious, he watched as she took off the Torre and placed it in the flowerpot beside the fire. He had tried to grow a few wildflowers in it, but hadn't much luck.

Suddenly, flowers began shooting from the dry soil—daisies and thistle and violets. Honeysuckle vines wreathed around the pot and climbed the fireplace before she took the relic back. He sat bolt upright, stunned. There was a strange feeling in the room, though he wasn't sure if she were aware of it. It was oppressive, as though it had emptied something to create the life for the plants. She gave him a rueful glance, and examined the Torre in her outstretched palm.

"I think I'm starting to understand this thing more and more. One doesn't like it, but somehow it makes things grow. I've been experimenting with it…a-and…I mean, I don't know any magic like you, but I think it might be teaching me things. I think I'm learning how to control it some."

"Shorah…I don't know if…" She sighed and leaned her head against her knees. 

"I know. That's what everyone seems to think. But I think…well…it makes plants grow, right? Maybe it could_"

"Shorah." He massaged his temples, feeling an oncoming headache. "We just finished running after a miracle. We have to face reality at some point, right? I…I don't know much, I realize that. It just seems like it might be best for us to accept that we're going to die soon and move on." She stared at him, and he clenched his teeth as tears filled her eyes before she looked away and drew the relic close. _Maybe that wasn't the best thing to say…_

"Fine for you to say, but this thing sure wants me to go somewhere very badly. It can do important things, I just know it…I just know…" she murmured. He sighed. _I can't see what's so great about that thing…it gives me the creeps, really…_

"Um, maybe if it's bothering you so much, you should just throw it away." She shook her head. 

"I know there's something important for me to find. Maybe it'll take me home. After all, it hasn't always pulled like this." He swallowed, stung. _I thought this was your home…but I guess you don't want to stay here with everything like this, huh?_ "I think…I think I'm going to follow it soon," she said weakly. "I can't stay here like this much longer."

"You know…you really aren't a burden at all…" he ventured. She smiled sadly.

"Yeah, maybe not…but whether you believe in it or not, I think I might learn something that can help you and it may take me to where I'm from at the same time. It's not like I won't ever come back. If I'm allowed," she amended quickly. He clenched at the arms of the chair. 

"But Shorah…we might not be around then. What about One, who loves you so much?" She looked reflectively into the fire as she clasped the artifact back around her neck. He waited for an answer, and after a while realized that he probably wasn't going to get one. _I'm just being selfish. She's wanted to leave for some time and I haven't let her. But I thought certain that she really wanted to stay and wasn't saying so…maybe I was wrong._ With a grunt, she pushed herself up and stood, stretching. Then her hands wandered down and settled on her belly, softly caressing. 

"I wonder how I look now? There's no mirrors here…I think I've got a few months left, but I feel like a big round berry," she mused. He sighed. 

"Well, I don't know how big a human girl is supposed to get, so I can't tell you anything." She smiled and he wondered what she was thinking about. 

"Hey," she said after a moment, "did I ever let you feel this?" She patted her stomach and raised an eyebrow. Confused, he shook his head.

"Feel what?" She laughed softly as she made her way toward him.

"She kicks me. Or he…I don't know if it's a boy or a girl." 

"Kicks you? From inside?" he asked, shocked. 

"Yeah. It doesn't really hurt, though. At least, not yet. Give me your hand." 

"Why?"

"Oh come on, 44!" she chided with a smile, taking his hand. He blinked as she pressed it against her belly. "Now wait just a minute," she said, holding him firmly in place. _What am I supposed to be…_ But then he felt it. Just a small bump, and then another. "See?"

"Yeah…" he whispered, his eyes wide. She took his other hand and allowed it to rest on her stomach as well. He couldn't help but smile at the tiny flutterings against his palms. "Well I'll be…it's a pretty active one, huh? You can feel all that even through the shell." She giggled.

"I'm not going to have an egg, 44…my baby will be born alive. The egg has already grown and hatched inside me, I guess you could say." He gave her a look of wonder.

"Didn't that hurt?"

"Not yet. Having the baby is probably going to hurt a lot, though," she sighed. He frowned.

"Aren't you scared then?" She smiled ruefully.

"I guess I am, a little bit. I'm awful young, and I'm short, too. Those things make it hard during childbirth. I need a midwife, I suppose, but I don't know where I'd find one here. A midwife is someone who helps a girl have a baby. Anyway, I'm really excited, so I can put up with a little pain, you know? I have a life inside me…I'm going to be a mama…that's a really nice feeling." He nodded, a little worried, and she touched his cheek.

"You know, I wish…I wish it would have been someone like one of you guys. To give me a baby, I mean. Someone who would have cared and made it nice." He stared at his hands where they rested on her. _Not sure what to say to something like that…_

"Well…I mean, I'd like to think we'd take care of our children someday…but, you know…" Suddenly he was swallowing at a lump in his throat. _But there won't be any children for us._ Her child moved beneath him, and it was strange to be touching a new life when he was so suddenly at the end of his own, when he himself had ended so many lives. Shuddering, he took his hands away, hoping he hadn't offended her. "Guess we'd better try to go back to sleep," he whispered. _I am not going to be sad, I am not going to drag this place down any more than it already is!_  To his surprise, she stepped forward and gently hugged him. His chest ached a little, and he clasped his hands in his lap. 

"I missed you a lot, you know. There wasn't a day that passed that I didn't want you back. Everyone else too," she whispered. 

"They made me fly an airship," he said suddenly, then winced. _I shouldn't talk about this…_

"Really? It kind of sounds like fun…" she said softly. He shivered.

"I hated it." 

"Oh…well, you don't have to fly airships anymore."

"Kuja used us to hurt people. We didn't want to…and I went to kind of help out for everyone else's sake…but I didn't know what to do. None of us did. I think…I think if he wanted to, he could take us right back in a heartbeat. Maybe even revert us to what we used to be," he said quietly. She sighed.

"I wouldn't know what to do either. You boys did your best. I don't think he'll be able to take anyone again, one way or the other. Especially not you. You're too strong to let that happen again."

"I don't know about that."

"I do."

"Hm."

"44…I like it here. In my heart, I don't want to leave. But if there's a small chance that I can help, I will. You and 56 and 163…everyone has made this place my home. But for now I've got to go. I _am_ scared that I'm wrong, of course…but I've got to take the chance."  He swallowed again—his chest felt constricted for so many reasons. 

"I'll miss all of your help…"

"Thanks. I've got a few things to do before I go…but I just want to let you know ahead of time this time. I'm not running away."

"Okay…" She hugged him a little tighter, then pulled away. 

"Now, I'm thinking your bed is really big, and there's plenty of room for all three of us." He took in a shaky breath.

"What about you and One…I mean, is it okay?" 

"Well of course it is, honey! It's your bed…and anyway, I missed you a lot, and I want you to sleep with us." He gave her a dubious look, and her face grew very serious. "44, I want you with me. You've seemed so down since you've returned, and I…I was hoping I could make you feel better…y-you know, like other…well, I've seen when other black mages are close they make each other feel better, and I'm not a black mage, but I thought maybe…" He smiled and stood, ending her stammering. For some reason her words had lightened his heart a little. _I'm wanted…and I'm capable of loving someone else—I'm not a puppet at all, no matter what he told us…if we can all love each other…if we can stick together and do things together…maybe it won't be so bad._ She blushed and stared at the floor. "So will you come?" she mumbled. 

One opened an eye groggily, a little grumpy about being woken. _What the…_ He hadn't even realized that she'd left, yet there she was climbing into bed again. _44 too?_ The bed squeaked with their added weight. Mystified and a little alarmed, he snuggled close to her and tucked his head under her chin habitually. She gave him a drowsy smile and wrapped an arm around his waist, fingers absently smoothing his wingfeathers. The bed was only so big, so 44's warmth pressed at him from the other side. To his surprise, the big mage also threw an arm around his waist with a soft sigh. He lay stiffly for a moment, then relaxed as she nuzzled at his hair. 

"Okay, One?" she murmured. He nodded and shifted a little, reveling in a kind of warmth that he'd never felt before. _Is this what the others feel like when they get close…? I never did, because I'm not really a black mage…they're so lucky._ A strange, happy emotion nestled in his chest, and feeling completely safe and at peace, he slept. 

163 sighed and drummed his fingers against the counter. It was pleasantly cool, and most of the village was outside enjoying the day as best as they could—reading, fishing, anything to take their minds off of the future. _It's so much quieter than it used to be…_ There was no banging of new huts being made, no laughter, no music from 123's flute. Everyone seemed to be using their remaining time to just think and work things out in their minds. _But I don't want to think about it._

            At first he had felt cheated and angry about his tiny lifespan and about how Kuja had used them, but as time wore on back at the Desert Palace, he had begun to realize that if he worried too much, he would waste the rest of his life. There would be no more fun, no more books read, no more joy. He had to accept that he was going to die and that he could do nothing about it. Once he was able to, and it was still hard sometimes, he felt much lighter than he had before. As soon as he had returned to the village, he resolved to live what he had to the fullest and hope for the best. 

            But no one else seemed to have come to the same conclusion. _24 says the sunlight and the scenery aren't as pretty anymore, 55 gave up on his project since he can't finish, 111 and 33 don't know what to do with their chocobo…I wish everyone would cheer up a little…_ It was frustrating. _Kind of hard to love life when everyone else is in the dumps…and I am sooo bored._ He still wanted to go out for walks, wander a little, but no one was game for that anymore. It was as though everyone was clinging to the village as their only source of peace. The creaking of the door disturbed his thoughts, and he perked up. _Glad someone's come to see me…'course, I could have visited someone else, but I don't want to bother anyone right now either…_ 32 stepped in, a distraught and slightly annoyed expression in his eyes. 

            "Hey Mr. 32…what are you up to today?" The A-type mage seemed to be looking for words.

            "Well…I was kind of wondering if you'd help me." He raised an eyebrow, frightened for a moment that someone was stopping. "I mean, it's not really me, it's 192. He's in his hut and he won't come out."

            "Maybe he's tired." _Oh please don't let him be sick…_

            "But he's been in there for almost two days now, and I know he's not eating. He won't come out no matter how much I call him…If nothing else, we need to get back to work. I know…I know it seems kind of pointless now, but we can still do it, right? It's better than sitting inside all day…"

            "I-is he answering you at all when you call him?"

            "Oh yeah. At first he was really grumpy, but now he just sounds…I don't know. It's not good, though." 163 let out a quiet breath of relief, then suddenly realized something.

            "Hey, why do I have to deal with him? He likes you—what makes you think he's gonna come out of there because I ask?" Now that he knew 192 was all right and likely just being stubborn, he didn't really want to mess with the surly mage. _I mean, I'm glad he's okay…but I don't want to be dodging fireballs either…_

            "I…I don't know," 32 confessed with a sigh. "But you're sort of the doctor around here, and maybe if he thinks it's for his health he'll come out…? I really don't know. He's grumpy in the mornings and a little touchy in general but he's never done anything like this. He's not so bad, you know," he said quietly. "I guess I'm just worried about him and I want some help." As much as 163 felt a tad threatened around 192, he was sympathetic and a little flattered that he was sought out for a solution. _No one's doing really wonderful right now…maybe he's lonely or scared or something…_ He found it hard to believe, but possible.

            "Okay…I'll come with you and see if I can help…" he said, sliding off of his stool.  32 smiled gratefully, and they made their way out the door and to 192's hut.

            "You know," 32 said thoughtfully, "…he spent a lot of time with Kuja…and at the beginning, it seemed like he was almost happy. But the longer we were there, the worse he got. Even 56 did better than him. I don't think any of us enjoyed it, but he…there's something different. He's lost something, but I don't know what." _I bet Kuja did something to him…hurt him or was mean…but I'd better not say that…_163 stared at the door, unsure of if he should knock or just talk, but 32 quickly solved that by rapping on the door. "You ready to come out of there yet?"

            "No," came the firm answer, edged with annoyance. 

"You're being really difficult you know." Silence. "Are you sick? I think you might be. I've got 163 here…maybe he could tell you if_"

            "I'm not sick! I just want to be left alone, 32…please, please understand that," he pleaded. _Wow, there really is something wrong with him…_

            "I'd understand it if it were a few hours, or even a day…but it's been a little too long and you're not eating."

            "I'm not hungry."

            "I'll bet." 163 chanced a sidelong glance at his brother, surprised to hear anyone talk to 192 in such a manner. 32 stood with arms crossed, his eyes glowing sternly. "You know I'm capable of standing here a very long time and waking you at all hours of the night."

            "I'd have to kill you."

            "You'd have to come out to do it." _Geez, I didn't know 32 was so stubborn… maybe I should say something…I'm not being very useful here…_

"Come on, 192, we're just trying to help you," he urged. 32 grabbed his arm.

            "Shh! Don't say_"

            "I don't need any help! I can take care of myself just fine and there's no need for you to stand outside my door and torment me!" 32 looked heavenward as though offering a brief prayer in frustration. 

            "Don't ever offer to help him with anything…he's a real goober about that," 32 whispered. 

            "Uh, sorry…just trying to be of use," he whispered back. _Goober?_

            "What are you two whispering about out there? Don't think I can't hear you."

            "Boy, you're nosy for someone who refuses to come out." A long, exasperated sigh sounded from within the hut.

            "You aren't going to leave me be, are you?"

            "Nope," they said in unison. There was silence for a while, then a grudging mumble.

            "What? We can't hear you," 163 pressed, gaining confidence. 

            "I said fine! I can't…I can't come out right now…but…bring me the girl," he ended with an order. 

            "Shorah?! What do you want with her?" 163 burst out before he could stop himself. _He couldn't possibly want to be mean to her right now, could he?_

            "192, I don't think now's the time to_" 32 began cautiously, but was cut off.

            "Do you want me out or do you want me out?! Bring her here!" he snapped angrily. 32 blinked and took a step back, straightening his hat.

            "Okay…" he said slowly, baffled. 

            Two groaned into the pillow, miserable, angry, embarrassed, and a little relieved all at the same time. _Damn 32…_ The mage that had saved his life was very hardheaded, and though he cared for the guy, Two wished that he had a little more sense about when to let go. _Still, now I don't have to go crawling to her for help…_ The thought was little consolation. It was mortifying to ask her of all people for help. But the bleeding wasn't stopping from that last time, and he was beginning to feel weak. At first he'd thought that he'd rather die, but with 32 permanently posted outside his door there was no way he was going to die in peace. He winced as the ache in his stomach grew even sharper. _Kuja…_

            The pale, beautiful man had been as lascivious as ever. The first time Kuja had lifted his robes in the hallway and forcefully took him against the wall, he was overjoyed despite the pain to be touched like that again, pliant nearly to the point of collapse. When it was over and they were both panting for breath, Kuja gave him a rose-tinted, bemused smirk. 

            "No fight at all from you, little one? I'd think I created you with a little more spirit than that." Then he pulled away, straightened his buckles, and left without a backward glance. Confused, Two had watched him leave without protest, though he ached to follow his master and be warm again. _And I thought maybe he wanted me to resist a little, play the game…_ And the next time, in another hallway, he'd resisted as best as he could without really resisting at all. It was never something that he did well, and it hurt much more that way, but he hoped that this time he would convey his message. _It was supposed to be different than the other times…_ But Kuja simply left him on the cold floor, his robes sloppily hiked up around his waist. "You know, your brothers are a bit more fun to play with…you aren't so new, are you?" The silver-haired man put a finger to his lips thoughtfully, then shrugged. He'd sat up only to watch his master's retreating back, stunned. Kuja had never been exclusive, but before Two at least felt a little special because of his talents in coupling, because he'd always given himself totally. Kuja had never cared about his lover's pleasure, but at least they fell asleep together before. At the Desert Palace he'd seemed preoccupied the whole time, just taking a short diversion because he could. _He called me second-rate…he thought I was just another black mage…those times and every time after that he never recognized me, never looked at my face…he was probably fucking raping them the whole time…I wonder who else he_ _But his bitter thoughts were cut off by knocking.

            "192? You wanted to see me?" _No._ He sighed into the pillow. The girl didn't even have the good graces to sound frightened. There was only worry, and that was grating. 

            "You can come in. No one else," he ground out. As a last minute thought, he shakily rose from his bed, trying to flex wings that weren't there for balance. _I'm not that weak as for her to see me milling about in bed…_ The door opened just enough to admit her, then closed quietly. Her eyes widened and the blood drained from her cheeks. 

            "192, what happened?!" she cried softly, aware that there were others just outside the door. He stared at her for a moment, then looked down to see that the front of his robes from the waist down were soaked with blood. He'd been so distracted that he hadn't noticed. Furious at having lost the upper hand, he pointed at the bloodstain, his balance precarious. 

            "You will do something about this," he ordered tersely. She gave him a bewildered look.

            "How do I know what to do about that?!"  His cheeks grew hot, and he could feel himself trembling.

            "Because you've dealt with it before!"

            "I have?" He looked at her with disbelief.

            "You don't remember a damn thing, do you?" It was like a double insult—neither she nor Kuja seemed to remember him, or wanted to remember him, at all. _But she remembers One just fine!_ His thoughts sneered viciously, and the pain grew greater. White light flared in his eyes, and before he could stop her she was holding him up. He tried to push her away, but found that he couldn't. She firmly pulled and heaved him to his bed, where he lay trying to make the room stop spinning. 

            "I'll admit, I don't remember much, but I think I am starting to remember One. Not really anything that happened, but I remember him. Maybe you're in there too, somewhere." _See? Gods, I can't believe she doesn't remember me at all. See if I tell her a damn thing! She can find it by herself!_ Hands deftly moved down the front of his robe.

            "What are you doing?" he asked indignantly. 

            "How else am I going to look at you?"

            "Oh…yeah." He shivered as his body was exposed to the cool air, his skin prickling with fever. Tears stung at his eyes from sheer mortification, but he blinked them back wearily. "Just fix it and go…" he muttered, closing his eyes. His back ached, as usual, but he wasn't going to mention that to her. He briefly remembered the violent explosions of pain, physical and emotional, that had come when his wings were sheared, when he was rejected as a failure, when he had to flee his lover and master in fear for his life. _I was just trying to make it right again…I know I'm strong…I survived, didn't I? Surely he saw that…_

"Boy, you're a grateful critter aren't you?" she muttered. "Can you sit up some so that I can get this off?" She tugged on his robe. He thought about arguing, but decided against it. _Can't very well sleep in the bloody damn thing…_ "I'll wash it for you later," she said, setting it on the floor gingerly. He watched through slitted eyes as she looked at him, trying to find the injury. Teeth gritted, he tried to ignore the way her expression turned inward, soft and concerned, when she finally saw the source of the blood. _I don't need you to coddle me like a child, I need you to fix it…_ Her eyes fixed between his legs, she absently drew his washbasin to her. "You should have said something about this sooner. I know it's not anything that anyone wants to talk about…but you could get really sick from this, or have more damage than you think." 

"Well forgive me for not trying to give 32 a heart attack!" he snapped. To his surprise, she smiled. After she'd wiped some of the blood from his stomach and wrung out the rag, she gave him a weighing look.

"Sorry if I underestimated you." Her hands moved lower, and he stared at the ceiling, wishing his water were warmer.

"What do you mean?" he finally asked, wincing as she brushed at a cut. 

"I know you don't like me…but you really aren't that mean, you know." 

"This wasn't supposed to be a place for humans!"

"I know. You'll be happy to know I'm leaving in a couple days." He blinked.

"You are? I got the impression that you were staying for good," he said, both out of curiosity and in that he was desperately trying to distract himself. 

"I've got the Torre. It might help you boys. If not, maybe I can find something else. I'm going to follow it, see where it leads me. I think it'll…well, probably take me back to where I'm from." He rolled his eyes. _It'll do that all right._

"One's going to love you for that," he said sarcastically. 

"Yeah. I'm going to see if he'll come." _Doubtful._ He shifted as the cool rag made its way inside him a bit, soothing the burning, delicate skin. "I'm sorry if I'm hurting you any."

"I'm used to it; just make it stop bleeding and be done with it," he said tersely. She gave a little sigh and continued her ministrations. Swallowing, he tried to look anywhere but down at her hands. The truth was that she was being very gentle, barely hurting him at all, and as the minutes wore on he grew more and more uncomfortable. He almost wanted her to hurt him, to snap at him, but none of his biting remarks were taken with any insult. Thrown off balance, he didn't know what to expect. 

It had been the same way when 32 had first found him, bleeding to death from the wounds on his back and still weak from his fight with Zidane and company. Although Two had snapped and snarled and tried to keep the mage away, he was too weak to prevent 32 from caring for him. He didn't remember much from the very beginning, but he did recall that 32 brought him to a little cave that he'd found, and that he'd spent a lot of nights with stolen sheets wrapped tightly around his chest. For a while he'd been wary, unsure of whether it was safe to sleep, but the stubborn mage had only kind words and gentle hands, and even brought him food. Even when he woke in the middle of the night, screaming, crying, delusional from fever, 32 had never been harsh with him. Two shuddered. _I don't ever want to be that off-balance again…_ After a while, it actually felt calming to be held by his shorter friend, to nod off to nonsense words and being rocked.  And yet, it hurt, because he'd never needed such treatment while living at the Desert Palace, because he was a weak failure, because no one at the Desert Palace had bothered with him like that before. Because Kuja never bothered. 

"192, as much as I'd like to fix everything, I can't make it stop bleeding right away," she finally said. He covered his eyes with a hand.

"Are you sure?" he grated out.

"Yep, you got hurt pretty bad."

"I'm not that hurt."

"Yes, you are. Don't ask me for help and then argue with me." White-hot anger flared through his system, but he bit it down. "You're awful stubborn. Well, what you're going to have to do is rest in bed, keep your feet up. I wouldn't recommend staying here, though, at least for tonight. You don't need to stay in all of this blood on your bed. I'll clean it up and then you can come back."

"And where do you suggest I stay, hm?"

"I don't know. Maybe the inn?"

"Yeah, and let the whole village see the condition I'm in. And when they start asking questions, how should I explain this, eh? Tell'em I fucked up, literally?" he asked bitterly. She sighed and gave him a sympathetic look.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, it's happened to me to."

"Not by someone you loved!" he snapped, then clamped his mouth shut. _Goddamit, you're in fine form today, aren't you, Two?!_ She grew quiet and stared at the floor for a moment. 

"You're right, I sold myself and got what I got," she said frankly. "But someone that you love shouldn't hurt you like that. No one should hurt you like that." _Oh, give me a break. The world doesn't work that way._

"I didn't ask for your opinion. If you're done, get out." She stood and brushed her hands together, then picked up his bloody robe. 

"You know I'm right. Anyway, I'm going to send 32 in with some more clothes, and you're going to the inn."

"No I'm not."

"We'll see about that when 32 gets involved."

"You are such a bitch, you know that." She sighed.

"192, I don't know where I went wrong with you. Even if I try to help you, you aren't happy. I'm not sure what's wrong, or what I did wrong in the past…but I'm sorry if I hurt you or offended you somehow. I wish I could make it up." With that, she turned and left, and he could hear her conversing quietly with 32 outside the door. He clasped his hands together and swallowed. _I don't need help…I can't be a failure anymore…_

One shivered and sneezed, still not over his malaise. 

"If you'd stay inside like I told you to you wouldn't still be sick," she chided, handing him a warm cup of 44's chicken broth. The large mage was out feeding the animals before sundown, leaving them to themselves. He watched as she hefted the pot  back into its cooling space in the wall, then touched the pendant at her neck. "You know, One, I need to talk to you." _I don't like the sound of that…_ He held the cup to him, trying to get some warmth from it. "I think I might could somehow help everyone with the Torre." He nearly dropped the mug, his heart skipping a beat. "I think it'll take me to where I'm from…and I think I can learn how to use it. I've got to try." 

He shifted in the hard chair, stunned, unsure of what to do, knowing that this had been coming for some time. _But you promised! You said you wouldn't leave anymore!_ His throat hurt too much already to even bother talking. _I'd tell you everything if it would make you happy, but I couldn't tell you enough without being sicker and Two could tell you anytime but he's so absorbed in his own problems that he'd rather watch you die than bother with the truth!_ He trembled and tried to press his wings closer to his back. _I hate being helpless. Gods, I hate it. _

"I know I said I wouldn't leave, and I know I'm not being fair. I was actually wondering if you'd come with me. Like I said before…I would like to keep you close." He closed his eyes tightly, trying to ward back tears. Her offer only made it worse, because he was terrified to leave the village, terrified to go where it would certainly lead her, where he would almost certainly lose his wings or be killed. Or be used to create more black mages, which was even worse. Even to be close to her, he couldn't risk something that awful. He finally looked up at her, pleading with his eyes for her to understand. She stared at him for a moment, then averted her gaze to the floor. _Please don't be disappointed with me, I just…I…!_

"I…can't risk…" he began, his voice rasping, his throat full of piercing flame. But her hand pressed gently over his mouth. 

"Shh, don't hurt yourself honey. I'm not mad." She smiled sadly and kissed his forehead. "But I really love you and I didn't want to break that promise. Will it be okay if I tell you I'll absolutely be back? I will come back, you know." _You don't know where you're going. It's so easy to make that kind of promise…_ But he nodded weakly for her benefit and tried to absorb the feeling when she held him to her, his wings trembling. _I'm a coward. God save me, I'm a coward…_ After a while, he slept against her, conscious of the bulky relic pressing against his chest. 

44 hefted his egg basket absently, running his thumb over the knotted vine handle and rehearsing what he would say. _This is so stupid…all I have to do is talk to her…_The last rays of the sun were dying, and she had sworn to leave the next day. One hadn't taken the announcement well, he could tell, even though the little winged mage put on a good face. _I wonder why he wouldn't go with her…I'd have thought he'd be the first to go…_ There were lots of thoughts about her departure. 163 seemed almost jealous, and though she might not have noticed, the bookish item shop owner followed her movements wistfully with his eyes every time she passed. _I know he wants to travel, but what she's doing is probably more of a trip than he'd bargained for…_ 55 said he couldn't blame her—the place seemed to have lost its fire. 192 said it was just like a rat deserting a sinking ship, whatever that meant, but he didn't like the sound of it. _I wonder why he has to be so mean about it…especially after she helped him like that…_ Of all people, 56 had greeted the announcement with some uncharactaristic hope. _He says she wouldn't leave without a good reason, but I can tell he's worried…and he doesn't want to see anyone else stop, either._

He paused outside his own door, uncertain. _I don't think this is going to work…I don't think her trip is going to be able to help us…but…_He looked up at his rafters with a sigh. _Before, I thought I'd have plenty of time to learn the small things, to settle…and then I'd travel later when I knew about the world…but there's no time for it now. Not if I don't do something, and we could all use doing a little something,  some kind of hope._ He slowly turned the knob and opened the door, greeted by the smell of rolls in the oven.

"Hey 44," she said as she sat at a table, poring over a list of things she couldn't forget for the trip.

"You about done with that?" he asked, trying to sound casual. She nodded, distracted, and he noticed that One wasn't there. "Where'd One go?" 

"Asleep already. Said he didn't feel well." He could just detect an edge of guilt in her voice, one hand tensely resting on her belly. For a while there was silence, and then the owls began to call in the dusk. One's labored breathing could just barely be heard through the door, and he found that he was a little annoyed with her himself for leaving her little winged shadow behind, for not insisting that he come. _If I had something like that, I'd never break it…but then, I've never had anything like that and maybe she's had a lot._ He leaned against his counter, making a show of inspecting the bread. With all of the feelings and hopes already broken in the village, he couldn't bear to see anything else go wrong. Not for poor One, not for him. _Maybe touch doesn't do so much for humans…but I…I guess I got to used to it…_ The feeling of being close to her, then both her and One together, of snuggling up to them at night…it was sometimes the only thing that kept him going. It had become a vital part of what made the village home to him. With the specter of death looming so near, he couldn't bear to lose one of the only things that still gave him comfort. Finally, he noticed that she was giving him a strange look.

"What are you mumbling about over there?" He straightened his hat sheepishly and gave her a weak smile. 

"Well…" And that shaky little word was all that came out. His throat felt closed tight, locked up. 

"44, are you okay?" He nodded and turned his back to her. _This is not hard. I've talked to her plenty of times. This is not hard._

"I was just wondering…well…do y-you know at all where you're g-going?"

"Haven't a clue," she said slowly.

"Ah," he said, tapping his fingers on the counter. "That's what I thought. Well, I mean…what I meant to ask was…" He took off his hat and turned it in his hands as he stared at the floor. "…can I…would it be okay if I came t-too?" She dropped her pencil and raised an eyebrow, astonished. "I mean, if you don't want me to, I understand because I know this is your trip and I know you've been planning for it and_"

"44…I don't mind if you come…in fact, I'd really welcome the company," she said with a sort of half smile. He gave a sigh of relief and jammed his hat back on his head now that no convincing was needed. "But you understand that it would be dangerous for you out there, right? And who's going to cook for the village, and won't One be lonely? I felt better knowing you'd be here with him…" She shook her head slowly, still surprised that he was asking. The hat came off again, more from nervousness than anything else. 

"I-I thought about all that…you know I sell most of the stuff that I cook anyway…and One can take care of himself. Actually, I was hoping that if we both went we could c-convince him to go…and I know it's dangerous for me…we all know that they h-hunt us…but I can't help but think that I might be a little useful," he said, narrowly avoiding saying _I can't help but think that you're in a lot more danger than I would be if I were traveling alone._ That would not have been taken well.

"What about Mr. 56?" she asked quietly. He frowned. _I didn't think about him…I hate to leave him here like that, but he's been doing better lately. Still…_ He shook his head. _I can't just leave him here, what with how depressed he gets sometimes…_ She smiled sadly and looked at her list again. 

"I think maybe more than anyone, I owe 56 my life. I wish I had something to give him. I wish I had something to give One. If nothing else, I want to be sure that they're okay. And I trust no one more than I trust you to take care of them." He wrung his hat a little, both flattered and sad. 

"What if 56 comes?" She blinked, as though she had not considered that option. 

"I guess he could…but the question is whether or not he wants to. I can't imagine that this would be easy for any of you, much less him." 

"I know…but I think he might come. Maybe. If I can get him to go, can we both go?" he asked, aware that he might be pushing his limits. _Even if we can protect her, it's not going to be easy to travel with us, what with all of the humans hating us like that…_ She ran a hand through her hair to pull it out of her face and fixed him with a weighing look. 

"44, I_" But she was interrupted by the door opening and 56's entrance. They both stared at him. "Well, speak of the devil…" He raised his hands in a placating gesture.

"I wasn't listening…well, okay…maybe just a little," he admitted sheepishly. "But I did mean to ask you if I could come too," he went on quickly. _What?_ 44 was truly surprised. _I thought I'd really have to con him into this…but for him to just offer like that?_ 56 straightened his hat with an shy smile, then his expression turned solemn and he rested a large hand on her head. "I should have stayed here with you. I took you in just like 24 takes in his birds and stuff, and I should have taken care of you…but I abandoned you instead." She opened her mouth to protest, but he kept talking. "I want to help…I want to do something with myself, but I don't have long to live, you see…I've wasted a lot of time. I think I'm beginning to understand how much I have to value being alive," he said reflectively. "I want to take care of something, protect something. I'd like to be remembered for doing something good. So is that okay?" he asked quietly. 44 could tell that she was as stunned as he was. _How could she possibly refuse a plea like that?_

"Um…er…y-you do realize that it would be dangerous…?" she stammered. 56 straightened his hat and nodded. "And what about your home?"

"My home is where my heart is," he said simply. She looked from one mage to the other, then managed a smile.

"Well…if that's what you really want…it's okay with me. I just want you to realize that_"

"Thank you a lot! Really!" 56 said enthusiastically before she could go on, anxious to not be reminded that it would be a dangerous endeavor. 44 could only wonder whether or not his friend had hit his head somewhere at the Desert Palace and the effects were only just beginning to show. 

24 gently maneuvered the kitten in his hand, pressing the milk dropper at the scraggly feline's mouth. _Come on little guy, you've got to eat…_ The morning was cool and he felt glad to be alive, even if only for a little while. He smiled as the lost creature finally took suck.

"Hey look 123…he's finally learning! Maybe he'll make it after all," he said happily. But his friend didn't seem to take much notice. He sat at the table, resting his chin in his hands and staring straight ahead. "Uh, 123…"

"Hmm…what, you say something?"

"Yeah…you don't look so good, you know," he said, a little worried. _I've tried everything to make him feel better…he usually likes dealing with the animals as long as they're nice…I wish he didn't look so grey…_

"Can't sleep," he said tersely. 

"Did you drink that stuff that 163 gave you? You know, to help you sleep?" 123 nodded wearily and rubbed his eyes. 24 turned around, cradling the kitten and letting its tiny noises soothe him. "You know…if something happened while we were at the Desert Palace, you could tell me about it." It took a bit of an effort to mention it, since he knew that his friend would talk when and if he felt like it. Still, it was worth a try.

"T-that's okay…I guess…I guess it's not so much that really…it's just that we  were used to hurt people again and I…I don't know." He took out his flute and absently rolled it back and forth on the table. The kitten rejected the stopper with a soft mew, so 24 settled it down on a pillow. 

"Aren't you going to play your flute anymore? The village isn't the same without your music."

"Nothing comes to mind anymore to play, that's all. Really…I'm thinking about leaving…" 24 swallowed, both surprised and a little hurt, even though he somehow knew it was coming.. 

"Leaving? For how long…and where are you going?"

"With 44, 56, and Shorah. Dunno how long they'll be gone." 24 let out a little puff of relief.

"But you didn't ask if you could go." 123 shrugged and stuck his flute back in his belt. 

"They won't care." 24 wanted to say _What if I care?_, but decided that might not be the best thing to say. All he could manage was,

"But it took us so long…we worked so hard to get here…"

"I…I know. It's not because of you, 24…it's just…I can't stay here anymore for now. I can't stay here and lay down and die. She's trying, they're trying again, for us. To do something good."

"Do you think it's really going to work?" he asked quietly. 123 sighed. 

"I don't know. Probably not…but I want to travel. I want another chance." 24 straightened his hat and felt tears sting his eyes.

"B-but…why can't we just take our chances here? Why can't you just be happy living out the rest of your days here?" He felt betrayed, felt guilty and confused for feeling betrayed. _We worked so hard to get here just for you to decide to go right back out there and get killed! I'd go too…but I'm scared to go out there anymore…_

"24, do you ever think about what we did to the humans?" He gritted his teeth. _Not this again…_  "I mean, I know I talk about this a lot, but really—how would you feel if a bunch of humans came in and destroyed our village, killed everyone but you?"

"I'd feel awful, and I hate thinking about it, so I don't…it's not going to help anything, can't you see that?"

"No," he said quietly, his voice raw. "I wish I could not think about it. I guess I can realize that the first time…we were being controlled. That time wasn't really our fault," he said, with some difficulty. "But this last time, I knew what I was doing, what I might be made to do…and I went anyway. I put my life before those of other people, and that was wrong. I'm going to do my best to make up for that now." 24 swallowed again. _I might never see you again…if you leave…_ "24…come see."

"Don't want to."

"Please?" Reluctantly, he turned around and found himself in his smaller friend's arms. "I love you, and you're my best friend. You've got to know that." After a moment, he hugged back.

"Then why do you want to leave me? Why now, at a time like this?"

"It's not that I want to leave you, it's that I want to make up for everything. You do it by taking care of hurt or lost animals. This is what I have to do."

"Will it make you feel better if you go with them?"

"I think so." 24 hugged tighter. His friend's body seemed so frail, and he remembered how he'd found him, half dead from injuries and caked with blood. _If you leave I can't protect you anymore…but I want you to be happy…I want you to get over whatever this is that's hurting you…and maybe that's worth me not being with you for a while, even if I might not see you anymore…_ But it still hurt very badly. 

56 watched a little nervously as she darted glances back at 123. _I don't think she wanted to bring so many people…I hope she doesn't change her mind._ They were on their way to see 288. She was to ask him if it was all right if she took several of his people with her for protection. Though he felt that 288 deserved respect, he couldn't help but wonder why she insisted on asking. _I bet she's hoping he'll be upset and make some of us stay behind…or, maybe she's still trying to make up for hurting him?_ He badly wanted to talk with 44 about all this, but didn't feel it fair since it might make 123 feel unwelcome. With a sigh, he shouldered 36's pack and prepared himself for an argument. One followed behind them, slow and drooping. _I still don't understand why he won't go…_

When they came to 288's hut, he was outside sitting on a stool, carving at a little wooden chocobo in the morning sunlight. 

"Morning, 288," she said with a soft smile. _I'm glad he's not always in the cemetery like that anymore…_The old mage put down his knife and rose, looking at them one by one. 

"Heading out?" She nodded.

"Yes, I am…and I have some volunteers here who want to go with me. I tried to tell them that this would be_"

"Yes, I know," he said quietly. "But I think that right now it's important that we all make our own decisions, now more than ever before. I can't say as I like it…but I know I can't stop you if you're determined." His expression was one of mixed worry and pride. _Wow! He's not going to say we shouldn't go…?_ She looked surprised and a little disappointed, but he could tell that she was trying to hold it in.

"Well, I_" she began carefully, but was interrupted.

"I'm determined too!" piped up 163. "Is it alright if I go, Mr. 288?" He bounced on his toes and grasped the straps of his pack, careful not to look at Shorah—who was beginning to look unpleasantly overwhelmed. 56 chanced a sideways glance at 44, who shrugged. 

"Of course…but who's going to run the item shop?"

"55 said that he would!" 

"Well, if you want to go, that's your decision. I think that they could use your help eventually on such a trip anyway. Just be careful."

"I will, I promise…" 163 said, giving his fellow traveling mages an awkward grin that said _I'll explain this later._

She looked at all of them, her eyes darting from one to the other, then gave 56 a suspicious look. He shook his head, eyes wide. _I didn't arrange for all of these people to come…!_  He was rather surprised himself. The last was the greatest shock of all. 

"I'm coming too, and no, I'm not going to ask," said 192. 32 stood behind him, exasperation, worry, and anger glowing in his eyes. _No, not 192…_ It was an effort not to groan out loud. One was suddenly at his side, eyes pleading and angry by turns. 

"I can't get the fool to change his mind, even though he's hurt," 32 said tersely, his arms crossed. 192 paid neither of them any heed. 

"Now look, this isn't a tea party I'm headed out into, boys! People are_"

"Hunting us? Turning us into slaves or worse? I think we all know_"

"That's enough," 288 said gently, before the argument could even begin. He could almost see 192's feathers ruffle, but the tall mage held his tongue. _Why do I have a picture of him in my mind with feathers?_ Shorah was clearly gritting her teeth. "You won't ever get anywhere if you can't get along. Shorah," he said, turning to her, "-you told me not so long ago that you respected what I have to say, that you saw me as older and wiser than you are." He chuckled. "Well, neither of those things are true, but will you hear what I have to say anyways?" She blushed slightly and nodded, completely caught. Other mages were beginning to show up to see them off, and were clearly interested and maybe even a little amused by the goings-on. "I know you didn't intend for so many of us to go with you…I'm sure you meant to go alone." _Uh oh…_ "But if I've heard correctly, you're out looking for something that might help us. That means that we have a stock in how everything turns out, right? I think that if something like that exists at all, then anyone who wants to look for it should be able to." She stared at the ground—she obviously hadn't thought of it quite that way. "And besides that, you told Mr. 44 and One here that you meant to stay. You helped keep everything in one piece while most of the people in our village were absent—in many ways, myself included," he said ruefully. "In my eyes, these things make you a member of our village, and no matter what we do not travel alone. We take care of each other, even if it's hard sometimes, because we know it's always much harder to be alone." 56 thought it was very good of him to not give 192 a glance when he mentioned it being hard to care for some people. 

It was quiet for a while as she stared at her toes, cheeks flushed pink. _288 is always so good with words…I thought there might be a big argument here…_ Finally, she looked up for a moment at her new traveling companions, half annoyed and half pleased. Her gaze at last fell on One—who looked more miserable than ever now that 192 was going. 

"I…er…288, could you do me a favor?" she asked, embarrassed. 

"What is it that you need?" he asked amicably. She smiled at One and pulled 163's ribbon out of her hair. She ran shaking fingers through her tresses, untangling them. 

"My hair's gotten a little long for such a trip," she said. "Could you maybe cut it shoulder-length for me with one of those air blade spells you boys like so much?" _Well, that's a shame…_

"That wouldn't be too hard…though it seems to me long hair would be useful in the cold weather to come." In a moment, it was done, though not without a few curious looks. 

"56, do you have some string from that mending kit of yours?" 

"Yeah," he said, a little confused as he fished the thin leather strips from one of his coat pockets for her. With deft hands she made a braid out of the locks that had been cut and tied it tightly at both ends, then knelt down in front of One. He seemed torn as to whether to look at her or not. 

"Here," she said, taking his hand and pressing the braid into his palm. Everyone watched silently—even 192 had the decency to keep his mouth shut. The little Waltz stared at it for a moment with wide eyes, then drew it close to his chest. She hugged him and said something, though 56 couldn't make it out. One nodded, his expression pained but set. Then it was her turn to be surprised as he pressed something shiny and golden into her hand. _His bell…that's his favorite thing it the whole world. I don't think I've ever seen him without it…_ For the first time, he felt very sad about leaving, though he couldn't place why. 

Finally, she hesitantly pulled away from One, wiping at her eyes but smiling. 

"Well, I guess we'd better get going…if anyone's got to say goodbye better do it now, all right?" He and 44 were caught up for a while talking to 111, 33 and 189, so he didn't hear what she said to 288, but it must have really been something since he appeared caught between laughter and tears. He felt the same way as he left the village with the rest of their small group, everyone behind waving and calling goodbye, One a silent sentinel, 192 grumbling halfheartedly about 32's fussing. Despite everything else that happened on that journey, after it was all done he still thought that walking those first few miles away from the village, knowing that he would probably never see it again, was the most difficult challenge that he ever overcame.   

Author's notes: Thanks for reading my story! From this point on, it's going to run a little more like an adventure. Please tell me what you think—reviews are always welcome! I'll try to get the next chapter out as soon as I can.


	10. Wounded Wings

Author's Note: Sorry that this one took so long folks…I was working full time this summer and now I'm in Japan for school (woohoo!) so I'm pretty busy. I do intend to finish this, but it's going to take me a while. I'll try to post more regularly (how long's it been? June?). Also I'm keeping this thing technically rated PG-13, because last I checked FF.net had decided that it would only show R-rated and above if you selected an option. Just keep in mind that this is really officially an R-rated story that will creep into NC-17 sometimes. I refuse to rate this entire story NC-17 because my first lime is in this chapter, 140 pages into the story. Blah. So beware the lime ^_^! 

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 9, but I do own my original characters!

How Fair This Place

By Bmv no Miko

Chapter 10: Wounded Wings

She sighed and shouldered her pack—it had already begun to cut into her shoulders. The day was crisp and cool with a brilliant blue sky, and would have been one of her best traveling days ever, complete with a bubbling stream. But, she was painfully aware of the silent mages following her. For three days, all attempts at conversation had proved useless. She was embarassed for trying to make them leave, and they for forcing themselves upon her, but no one was turning back. The duress of travel was catching up with all of them except perhaps for 192 and 44, both of whom seemed able to walk forever. Though she had only been walking half a day, she was already weary and in terrible need of a rest. _I didn't think I'd be so tired, being pregnant like this…_ She pressed on for some time lost in her thoughts, until she realized that 56 was by her side.

"You okay?" he asked in a low voice, not wanting 192 to hear.

"Yeah, just tired. Do I look that bad?"

"No, you're just getting slower and slower. We can stop, you know."

"It's not sunset yet."

"Um, why does it have to be sunset before we stop?"

"Because_" But she stopped herself, fingering the straps of her pack. _Because if I don't hurry, you'lll just die all around me._ "Because." He straightened his hat, frowning. 

"Well," he said carefully, "I'm about ready to stop for the day, if that's okay with you." They slowed to a halt and stared at each other for a moment. _No you aren't…you're just trying to help me out, aren't you?_

"What's the holdup?" 192 asked flatly. 

"We're going to stop now. If that's okay with everybody else, I mean." 56 said, not looking at her. There was silence for a short moment, then 44 stepped forward. 

"Well, if that's the case I'll have time to cook us something better than what we've been having, eh? I'll build a fire under that tree there," he said cheerfully, though tension underlied his deep voice. 

Slowly and silently they made their way to the large oak and set their things down among its roots. As usual, 192 set his pack down away from everyone else, just on the edge of the canopy's shadow. He stood staring north for some time, tall and proud, as though waiting for something. The wind rustled his robes softly, and for a moment she had an impression that there might actually be some kind of noble blood in him. _Or maybe it's just the image…_ With a sigh, she went to the stream and sat down awkwardly on its rocky banks to wash her face and soothe her aching feet. Tiny silver shad darted away as she splashed. 44 sat on a boulder washing his pans and gathering water to boil the vegetables they'd brought from 189's garden. 

"So, is everything okay?" he asked casually after a while, not looking at her and rythmically scrubbing at the black iron.

"Oh yeah. Nice day."

"Yes." She gave him a sideways look—it was more unbearable to be awkward with him than anyone else. Some of his glossy black hair escaped the confines of his hat when he leaned forward, and she was reminded of the one time he'd really let her look at him in the light. _I've lived with you for weeks…we should have more to say to each other than this. _Tentatively, she rested a hand on his knee and stared pensively into the water. She could feel him tense and slow his work as she stared across the stream.

"Thank you for coming with me…I'm glad of the company." It had been annoying at first to be so easily bested by them, by 288, but as the hours wore on she found that having them there was a comfort. Even 192 seemed to have settled down, though she still couldn't fathom why he'd come. _If only we could get this silence out of the way…_

"You're welcome," he said after a short silence, "But I thought…well, you didn't really want any of us to come, did you?"

"Hmm. I don't know…I thought not, for a while…but maybe I really did want you to come and I just didn't know it." She stretched her legs out in front of her and wiggled her toes in the cold water, peaceful with the sort of weariness that comes only after a long day's exertion. 

"Glad to hear it. We didn't want to be a burden."

"You aren't." _If anyone's the burden, it's me…getting tired so soon._ A soft breeze rustled the tree tops, and she shivered, pulling her feet out of the water. A haunting tune reached her ears, and she turned curiously to see if someone might be coming up the road. _Come to think of it, maybe we shouldn't be traveling the road…_ 44 gathered his dishes together and precariously balanced a small pot of water. "Haven't heard him play in a long time. Travel must be doing something for him."

"Who is it? I can't see anyone playing anything." 

"It's 192. He's got this little thing that looks like a squash with holes in it. He's really very good, but he doesn't play much." She blinked, surprised.  

"Wow, I didn't peg him as a musician. He's been a little different lately…do you think I could talk with him now?" They both rose and made their way back to the campfire, where the others were arranging where they would sleep. 

"I don't know. 192's always liked his privacy more than the rest of us, always been a little standoffish. For a while I thought he was just mean, but 288 told us about how everyone's different…and I don't know, maybe that's just how he is and he doesn't mean to offend anyone."

"So you're saying approach him at my own risk, huh?" He gave her a little smile and shrugged, nearly upsetting his water. _Well, I have to try. I might should just let sleeping dogs lie…but I can't believe that he's well so suddenly._ 123 gave her a curious look as she circled the tree, and she just barely heard him whisper "Good luck." _Thanks a lot. Guess I'd better approach slowly…_ His back was to her, and he did not rise or stop playing when she came to stand beside him. For some time he went on without comment, and she decided it was safe to sit at his side. The tune was wandering, jumping from a few bars of some song to the chorus of another, but it was always slow and almost plaintive. She picked at blades of grass and felt guilty. _He's angry with me for a reason, for something I can't remember. I wonder what happened to him? I can see how Kuja treated One…and he threw his regular mages away like trash. I wonder if I did something bad too…if I'm just the opposite of 123 and really did forget everything that isn't pleasant to remember…_

The music drifted into silence, and she watched as he put the small instrument away into a brown velvet drawstring bag. 

"Can I help you?" he asked with only half of his usual edge.

"Didn't know you could play. That was really nice." He grunted and stared off into the northern horizon. "So…your coming was kind of unexpected. I'd think I was the last person you'd want to travel with."

"I don't think you wanted to travel with any of us, so my being here shouldn't hurt much."

"Now, I didn't say that. I guess I'm just wondering why…?" He rested his chin in his hands. 

"None of your business." 

"Ah. Well, I'm sorry if I wasn't exactly welcoming_"

"You weren't."

"Are you feeling okay? I'd have been laid up a little longer than that with injuries like_"

"That's you. I'm different." She nodded and lapsed into silence, too tired to argue and surprised that she wasn't really vexed by him. Pans clinked behind her, and she could hear the others quietly talking, 56 laughing about something. _Well, that's something you don't hear everyday…_  "Are you going to sit there all day?" She sighed and carefully leaned over backwards into the soft grass. The firmness of the ground felt wonderful against her sore back. Something tickled her nose, and she finally grabbed it—a thin lock of hair that had escaped from under 192's hat. 

"Oh, you're a redhead. How appropriate," she mused, rubbing the firey strands between her fingers. He yanked them from her, eyes flashing with annoyance.

"Don't touch my hair," he grumbled tersely, stuffing it back into the darkness under his hat.

"It's really long. You should wear it down sometime." He didn't answer, but instead pointed toward where he'd been looking.

"See that forest over there? I think we'd be better off going through there. We'd cut off a big loop of the road. Speaking of which, we're traveling far too close to the road as it is. There's only these bushes seperating us from any humans that might come along." She blinked, surprised that he was offering advice instead of demanding.

"Well, okay…you're right about traveling the road. It made me nervous too. Have you been this way before?"

"Yes."

"Been through that forest before?"

"No, but let's just say I know what it all looks like from above."

"…Oh. Well, I'm willing if everyone else is, but_"

"But what?"

"Well, see those bushes in the undergrowth where that part of the woods starts? The ones with bright pink and yellow flowers?"

"What about them?" he asked irritably.

"They're full of redbugs."

"Redbugs."

"Yeah, they make you itch a lot."

"Have you ever been this way?"

"Well, no," she admitted.

"We need to go that way," he said firmly. She raised her hands in surrender.

"Okay okay…Geez. I was just warning you, that's all. I'll take your word for it."

"Good." She sighed, but felt like perhaps she was making progress. _Maybe speaking to me is his way of thanking me for helping him? Or maybe he just likes to travel._ She sat up and dug her toes into the cool grass.

"You know…I can't help but notice that you always sleep far away from us, and you don't eat with us either. We wouldn't mind your company," she said tentatively. 

"Yes, you would. And you don't want me sleeping near you, trust me," he said quietly.

"The offer's there anyways. We're going to cook those squirrels 163 got yesterday and have some veggies. I'll bring you some when it's done…if you don't come eat with us." And, as was expected, he didn't come. 

163 awoke with a start, his heart hammering in his chest from the sound of an almost monstrous wail. He blinked and quickly slid his glasses down to his nose so that he could see. The stars shone in a clear sky through the canopy of the great oak, and the night was quiet except for the popping of the embers, cicadas' songs, and the soft snoring of his companions. He sat up, his stomach tight and jittery. _Maybe a nightmare?_ He stared at 123, resting soundly beside him with his hat still on. 44 had an arm loosely thrown over Shorah, and she in turn was holding on to 56. _There's nothing to be afraid of…everyone's here…everyone's here…_ He thought this over and over to himself, trying hard not to think of the awful time before he'd come to the village, when he'd been alone and sleepless every night, jumping at every sound. _I…I guess I'll just get closer to 123 and go back to sleep…_The night air was rather chill and he already missed being warm under their blankets. 

Then he heard a softer noise, a sort of crying and moaning as though something were in pain. He clenched his thick blanket tightly, suddenly even more afraid than before. But, it would not do to hope that whoever was wouldn't notice them what with the fire blazing away like a beacon. 

"I-is someone out there?" he asked in a low voice, ashamed at how much it shook. There was no answer except a tiny whimper. He swallowed. Although he was terrified, he clenched his teeth and slowly rose so as not to wake 123, determined to find out what it was. _Maybe if it's dangerous I can warn the others…_ He felt suddenly superaware and tensed, more willing to see their threat than to let it hide in the forest like a phantom. As deftly as he could, he inched around the tree trunk, keeping it always to his back, as he scanned the surrounding trees. He'd already been all the way around when he heard the crying again, accompanied by a soft 'Please…please leave me alone…'. He had an epiphany, and quickly moved around the tree again. 

Sure enough, there was 192, whimpering and tossing in his sleep. He gave a sigh of relief and felt his body go lax, breathing freely for a moment. Then a new kind of doubt settled in him. At first, he wanted nothing more than to return in peace to the comfort and warmth of the blankets. Then, as he watched their surly companion, he felt a little guilty. _If it were anyone else, I would have woken him up and held him like my brothers did for me. If it were anyone else…_ The wind rustled in the trees, and he shivered. _It's so cold, and he must be cold, being away from the fire and not sleeping with us and all…_ One last time he looked back longingly at the fire, but knew that to go back to it now would be selfish. On edge but resolved, he tiptoed softly to 192's side and knelt down. _He looks so innocent  and harmless asleep…_ An unexplainable fear worked through him, as though he shouldn't dare to be so near this creature who was so much better than him. It was an odd feeling, and he shrugged it off with annoyance, reaching out to touch the tears on his brother's face. Suddenly, 192's eyes opened, and 163 jerked his hand back with a gasp.

Those eyes were glowing crimson.

There wasn't much time to be afraid, and everything was a confusion of darkness and movement. He felt himself being slammed backward into the hard earth, and since he was too shocked to struggle he soon found himself pinned. For a moment something sharp and cold dug into his neck, and a voice that was 192's and yet definitely unlike his normal voice hissed,

"Don't you ever, _ever_ touch me again_" The sound made his skin crawl. Then there was a loud boom accompanied by rushing wind, and the weight was off of him. He found himself scooting away as 192 sprawled backwards himself, hit squarely by a strong wind spell. 

"What the hell is going on here?" 123 shouted, his eyes flaring white. 163 touched his neck, eyes wide as his fingers met with the wetness of blood. Arms suddenly wrapped around him, and he stared at 123, disoriented and in shock. _H…he was going…to kill me…_ He could hear 123 telling him that he was going to be okay, but he didn't feel particularly scared—just strangely hurt as he stared at 192. The crimson was fading from his eyes, and he rose with a start, staring at the knife clenched in his right hand. His expression was frightened and stunned for a moment, and he threw the blade to the ground as though it were a poisonous snake. 163 backed some into the tree trunk as 192's eyes flickered to his for a split second, anguished. Everyone was staring at the tall mage; it was the calm after one storm and before another.

"What do you have to say for yourself?" 44 finally asked, quietly and calmly. Then, as one might do after they've had an awful fright, 192 flew into a temper. 

"I asked to be left alone, and I expected that request to be honored! I'm not like the rest of you! I'm not traipsing along in my own fucking innocent little world waiting to experience all that life has to offer! I'm here because I'm going one way and you happen to be going that way as well, and if I have to travel a day ahead or behind I will if you can't keep your hands off of me! I…I'm going somewhere to die, just like the rest of us, except I know where I'm going…and…and you _don't _because you're content to follow a pregnant whore to your demise!" He trembled with rage and looked as though he wanted to say more, but then spun and quickly disappeared into the forest. There was a heavy silence in the air, and everyone was too shocked to give chase. 163 held his neck and wondered if he was the only one who'd noticed that his temperamental brother had been holding back tears the whole time. 

After that, they all sat around the fire, eyes burning with weariness but none willing to go back to sleep. 123 pressed a little closer to Shorah, still shaken from casting his spell and cold besides. 163 was at her other side, strangely silent and staring into the embers. _I wonder if 163's okay…I wasn't even hurt and I don't feel so good at all…_ The image of 192 reeling backwards played over and over in his head.  _I…I wonder why I was so angry all of a sudden…I hope I didn't hurt him too bad…I didn't ever want to use magic against one of us…I hope he understands that I just…_ He sniffled and tucked some errant hair back under his hat. 

"So…" 44 said slowly, "I wonder what we should do now?"

"It's awful cold tonight," 56 said quietly. "Maybe we should go look for him."

"No way," Shorah interjected crossly. "He's always cranky and mean, and we can deal with that, but you gotta draw the line at trying to murder people." She squeezed 163's hand and rested the other on her belly, her expression angry, tired, and on the brink of tears. 163 gave her a halfhearted smile and returned his gaze to the fire. _Speaking of cranky… _123 thought.He sighed.

"Shorah…um…I don't guess I should tell you this, but…well…how to say it…? I know I don't just speak for myself when I say that…well…" He straightened his hat and didn't look at anyone, ashamed. "We all…at least everyone I've talked to…we all dream about killing people. A lot. It's like…it's like we dream what we did before…and sometimes, that's overwhelming…and we…we get a little…you know, destructive. When we wake up all of a sudden. Sometimes." He could feel her staring at him in surprise, but could not meet her eyes. "I'm sorry if I shouldn't have said that," he whispered by apology to the others. 44 shook his head ruefully.

"It's just the truth," 56 said sadly. "I remember when Mr. 55 set his own hut on fire after waking up from a really bad nightmare. He was so upset because he put so much extra time into building his." There was an awkward silence, and he wished he hadn't brought the subject up at all. _But still…what if it was a mistake…sounds like he just woke up and…and…_ He clenched at the grass in shame. _I wish we weren't like this…I wish we really were nice people…_

"I know you don't like Mr. 192, Shorah, and I know he isn't nice to you. He shouldn't have said what he did," 44 began softly. "But we kind of have our own unique set of problems as a group, if you see what I mean. We've all done things and said things we regret later…and I just think we need to go look for him, that's all."

"He was going to cry," 163 said suddenly, and everyone's attention turned to him. "He…he gave me this…this awful look…and I know he hurt me…but…I just can't think that he meant to, even though I don't like him so much myself." She took a deep breath.

"I…I realize that you boys do have special circumstances…if 192 were human…I wouldn't even want to stay here tonight, I'd be so afraid. There's so many good for nothing humans…and I don't quite agree with you, but I'll try to trust your judgement, because he's a black mage and because maybe for you it's different…but I'm not going to feel safe traveling with him…" she ended on a whisper, and 123 was surprised when she leaned against him and took his hand.

"I'm sorry about this…I'm sorry we all forced ourselves on you…this never would have happened…" he said sincerely, truly feeling guilty for the first time. She gave a watery chuckle. 

"That's okay. I'd just be alone and cold and in the dark. I'm just all nerves right now and I'll be better in the morning. Is anyone going to look for him now?"

"I am," 44 volunteered instantly. "I have a fairly good sense of direction. 56, why don't you stay here and watch everything?" 56 looked like that was exactly what he wanted to do, but he rose with a sigh. "No, you shouldn't go alone, and anyways I don't think I can go back to sleep now. I need to walk around."

"Me too," said 163.

"But…but shouldn't you stay back? I mean, since he hurt you and all…?" she ventured. He shook his head.

"No…it's just a little cut, and I wanna convince him that I don't really hold anything against him, if we find him, you know. I've got to go, too."

"Well," she sighed. "I guess we should all go."

"No, someone has to stay and watch our things. Someone has to get some sleep tonight, too," 44 said, lighting a fireball in his hands as he prepared to leave. 

"We'll stay, since we're the only ones left," 123 offered. _I can't believe they're going out into the dark like that…they have to be scared…_

"Sounds good. Stay put, okay? We'll be back in a few hours." With that, 163 and 56 lit their own fireballs and were soon off. With a groan, she leaned back into the tree and held her stomach. 

"You people are hazardous to my health," she grumbled. Even though it was the the day's troubles behind her bad mood, 123 was hurt.

"You're mad, aren't you?" he asked softly, hugging his knees. To his surprise, she gave a little smile.

"No, I guess I'm just in a bitchy mood. It's not your fault these things happen. Let's try to go back to sleep, okay?" He nodded, and they both wiggled back under the covers and tried to get situated. "Wanna snuggle up to stay warm?"

"Sure." It felt good to have her arms around his back and to hold her in return—something solid in a world that often seemed so confusing. Suddenly, he remembered the last time she had held him and was embarassed. _I wonder if she'll decide to sleep by herself again later on tonight. I wonder why she left that time… _He blinked as her hold grew a little tighter and warm lips pressed against his forehead.

"I'm sorry for saying mean things, 123. I really love all of you and I'm glad you came. I was so worried when everyone was gone…I was so scared. I guess the idea of 163 getting hurt shook me up more than it should have…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be difficult." He sighed and felt himself relax.

"We love you too. That's okay. Sorry for leaving like that…sorrier than you'll ever know…"

"I bet…123…"

"Yeah…?"

"You ever gonna take off your hat? Everyone else does…'cept 192, that is…and it can't be comfortable when you sleep…" He shifted uncomfortably.

"Uh…it doesn't bother me when I sleep…" he lied.

"Is it me…I mean…am I the reason you don't…?"

"Oh no…no, it's not you…it's just that no one sees me without it…that's all." He hugged her tighter, willing her to understand, his stomach fluttering with the night's stress and his eyes drooping. _I hope I can hold up for this whole trip…_ He yawned.

"Oh…well…I love you anyway…" she murmured sleepily. 

"Thanks," he whispered back, finally sinking into slumber.

"Um…not to be rude or anything…but could you explain to me again exactly why we're taking this path?" 56 asked wearily. For the four days since they had given up on finding 192, she had insisted on taking the dense, poorly marked trail through the northern woods. The humidity and the thick canopy made for a clammy and mouldy smelling undergrowth, and there were many stretches where fireballs were their only light. Strange creatures called in the night, and it was hard to sleep anyways knowing that they had left a companion behind. Besides that, everywhere their clothes pulled even a little tight against their skin, bright, red, itchy welts had popped up. This did obviously did nothing for anyone's mood, along with the fact that no one knew how much longer the forest went on. 

"Because, 56, 192 sounded really sure…he swore that if we went through here we'd save time and plus it would be safer because we don't travel the road. He has a point." _I wish we hadn't left him behind…we really could have used him as a guide…_ There was no point in bringing up that the arrow pointing north that they'd left for him might have blown away, or that he might have gotten lost, because they'd been through all of that before. _We couldn't find him anywhere, and we stayed for two days…I hope he didn't get hurt…I really hope he's okay…_ He blinked back tears, thinking of how awful it would have been if he'd never found Mr. 36. _I just can't believe we had to leave like that…_

"What I don't understand is why you believe him all of a sudden…he's not even here to be happy that you're taking his advice," 163 said irritably. 

"I know, I know…it's just that, well, the Torre _is_ pulling me in this direction. And even though I was really cross the night he stormed off, that day he was nicer to me than he ever was before, if nice is what it can be called. I think he was telling the truth."

"I agree," said 44, reaching down to scratch at a bite behind his knee. "I don't think he would have told her the wrong way when he thought that he was going to have to come this way as well." 

"I just wish we knew where he was. Even if he tricked us all, I'd welcome him back about now," sighed 123, and everyone agreed. "Do you think he can find his way through this forest alone?" he asked suddenly.  

"He says he's been here before, so I guess he does," Shorah answered, but there was a hint of doubt in her voice. No one bothered to ask about what would happen if he didn't know. It was better not to think about it. They walked on in an irritated and melancholy sadness for some time. The hours passed and they grew hungry, but didn't bother to stop and eat. The woods had grown dark and dense, and it was best to stay close together. It began to rain above the canopy, and every so often a thick drop would fall and give someone a chill. _I wish this would be over. I wish we could just come out on the other side and she'd find what she wanted and this would be over…_ Finally, 163 called for a halt, and they dropped where they were with groans and sighs, darkness or no. 

"I'm going to die, right here right now. Just bury me right here…"Shorah moaned melodramatically, and he could hear the leaves rustle as she wiggled on the ground. 

"Don't say that," 44 said, annoyed. _Wow, this is even getting to him…_

"Everyone here?" 56 asked wearily, casting his fireball around. 

"I think so…" said 163 absently as he created his own light. 

"123? You there?" There was a long silence. 

Two watched his old companions as they passed, his heart hammering, his stomach turning, and his skin itching madly from what seemed like hundreds of bites. He felt strangely on edge, and he knew that he was no longer thinking clearly. He wanted desperately to join them, but was also savagely angered that he wanted to be with them. Blood ran in his thoughts; it dripped and coursed from every tree. Vaguely, he knew something was very wrong, but he could not quite figure out what it was. Sometimes crimson would cloud his entire vision and he wanted murder, but when it went away he was always disoriented and they had gone on without him, and he would get angry all over again. He hated himself for hiding the whole time they had looked for him, he hated them for not looking more than they did. _All I have to do is show myself and then they won't leave me behind anymore…_ He hated himself because he still could not bear to go to them. Food was in short supply, and he was getting wobbly. Nevertheless, he maintained his graceful perch in the treelimbs and was still almost as fast as he used to be when he'd had wings. In  that manner he had managed to keep up.

Now he moved forward again with a sense of stalking. The time was coming for him to close in, take his prey for the fun that was in it. _This isn't right! Somebody…help me…_ Cry as that little voice inside him might, nothing could sate the rage and heated desire in his veins, nothing short of blood or sex, and he knew it. 

Delicately, he floated down from his newest perch and used his speed to fall in behind them. They were silent, but their steps were making so much noise that he was not noticed. He was proud and hurt and furious that they didn't notice. He couldn't tell who it was in front of him; he didn't care. With a silent springing leap, he silenced the mage, wrapped an arm around his neck, and dragged him into the undergrowth. A cold object dug into Two's side, and something in him registered _…flute…123…_ But it didn't matter. His captive began to struggle, but as soon as he caught sight of the Waltz's crimson eyes he cringed and ceased in horror. Two watched with a wild light in his eyes, his body tensed as the others left. _No one left to save you, little one…now you'll see what it feels like to be alone with no hope of help…_ Suddenly his stomach gave a violent turn and he retched, dropping the mage as an inexplicable panic surged through him. He dug his fingers painfully into the tree bark and let it pass, shuddering and coughing. When he looked up again, the mage was still there, sprawled on the ground and frozen in fear. Smugness and a sense of victory filled his heart, filled everything but the part of him that was terrified of what he'd become. 

"Light," he said in a dangerously quiet voice, and dozens of fireballs burst into flame around them, giving the forest an eerie, twilight appearance. With a simple flick of the wrist he released the silence spell, then stared at 123 with renewed shock. The sight of his erstwhile prey without his hat boiled his blood with fury and desire. 

"192…" the mage whispered tremulously as he brought quavering hands up to straighten his hat, "…w-we…we…what h-happened to_" But his voice cut off with a squeak as a strong hand wrapped around his neck. 

"You. You're one of them. You're one of his fucking little art projects, aren't you?" he whispered, seething.

"I…I don't know what you're talking a-about…192, let m-me go…you're…hurting…me…" 123 whimpered in a slightly strangled voice. Two tightened his grip and the mage gagged, tears finally leaking from his eyes.

"I should kill you right now, you know," he murmured silkily. "You touched something that was mine…was mine…I suppose you enjoyed it, didn't you? I suppose you thought you were special and that he loved you?" Crimson clouded his vision more than ever as he waited for an answer. 123's face went ashen.

"How do y-you know a-about…192…p-please…I…I didn't w-want…!" The pitiful pleading made him angry, and with a snarl he violently shoved his captive against a tree. He stared at the crying, weak creature and was filled with hatred. _This thing…he slept with this thing instead of me…_

"Did you not want to remember it, little one? Because I remember. I remember how he'd leave me to have fun with his toys. Did you know he called you a toy? And you know, he sent you to battle because he got tired of you and he didn't want you anymore," he grated out bitterly, horrified and glorified by the terror and pain in the eyes of his prey. 

"I'm sorry…I-I'm sorry…please s-stop…please…" 

"Oh no. Because you know…you are quite…beautiful…" he whispered, pressing himself against the trembling figure. Breathing hard, he slid one hand into the mage's coat, taking in the feeling of his soft skin with an impatient sigh. "I'm sure Kuja won't mind if I give you a try…he used to give me things he didn't want anymore…" 

"No…nonono…I don't want to anymore…I hated it…I swear…" 123 whispered fervently. "I didn't m-mean to…t-touch anything I-I wasn't supposed to…"

"Is that so…? But you like this, don't you?" Deftly, he let his fingers glide down between his captive's legs and caressed the sensitive bump that he knew he would find. He smirked as 123 hissed between his teeth and moved into the touch. "See, can't help yourself, can you?" he whispered, stroking rythmically. 

"Stop it…please…oh…oh…please stop…" the mage whimpered through grit teeth, backing into the tree, his chest heaving. 

"Oh, but you don't really want me to stop," he said conversationally, loathe to hear those words on his own lips, pained to remember how he'd heard them himself when he was newly born.  His stomach turned as he slid a finger into the warm entrance that he knew was there. Once again, 123's hips seemed to thrust forward of their own accord, and a cry escaped his lips. "You were engineered to want this from me, you know…and me to want this from you…and it just makes me positively sick." To his shock, 123's terrified expression slowly melted into one of astonishment, then firm resolve. _Something is wrong…wrong…_ Strong hands wrapped around his wrists, and the mage gently but firmly moved his wandering hands away. Two blinked, so surprised that this weak creature would dare defy him that he forgot to enforce his will. 

"I…I'm not sure what's wrong…with you…but I believe that we can overcome what we were engineered for. I believe that. And if you don't quit, I'll fight back. I'll fight back…even if I die." The words were delivered with such quiet certainty that Two stepped back despite the way his blood sang at the mention of death. 123 dusted himself off, straightened his clothes, and waited, his cheeks flushed from unbidden desire and anger. _I always just let him hurt me, didn't I? It wouldn't have done any good to fight back…he'd have killed me…but I was content to be his whore…I was…I was…_ Something inside him convulsed, and the sense of hyperperception, of power and domination, the red haze…it all shattered, and he was fully aware of what he had done and how unforgivable it was. His knees gave way, and he retched and retched until his throat was raw. It was as though his world had turned inside out, and everything in him burned. _Failure…a miserable failure…_ He finally collapsed, breathing in ragged gasps, praying for unconsciousness. 

But it refused to come, and so he laid helpless on the damp, cold forest floor, waiting for his death in the dark. A large hand, trembling hand cautiously rested on his shoulder. 

"A-are you okay now? Mr. 192…ah…er…you know…I mean…" 123's voice broke and he gave a soft sob. "You aren't s-stopping, are you? You're okay now…r-right?" Two swallowed and was surprised in a dull sort of way when he felt his own tears fall. _Gods, what have I become…? What's happening to me?_ He dug his fingers into the cool earth, unable to face someone that despite all of their differences he had come to consider a brother. An apology would never be enough; he knew that personally. He had become like the person he loved and hated most in the world. _I hate him. I hate him so, so much._ Arms wrapped around him, and he was lifted into a sitting position. "Oh…your eyes…th-they aren't r-red anymore…I-I hope you're okay now…I hope…" 123 gave in to soft sobbing again. Two covered his face, ashamed in the wake of such sincere concern. _And after I… and 32 was nice too…and… I…I never believed that anyone could really…_ He took a deep breath. _I need help._ But in that same moment, he knew he could never bear to ask for it. 

Suddenly he became aware of voices in the trees, and within a few seconds fireballs burst into view, a brightly shining 56 in the lead. When he saw their two lost members, he gave a weak smile, and the spell and his light went out. Totally spent, he would have tumbled in a heap if 44 hadn't caught him. 

"Boy are we glad to see you," he said in a choked voice, gently lowering his friend to the ground. He watched as Shorah ran to 123, fell to her knees, and hugged him.

"I thought we lost you, I thought you were gone, you scared the crap out of me, you know that?!" she cried, shaking the bewildered mage. Two stared at the ground and swallowed. _Well…the way I've treated her…I guess  it's to be expected that she doesn't care about me…no surprise either if she doesn't want to remember me…_He sensed someone's presence at his side, but didn't bother to look up.

"Um…Mr. 192? I…um…if you're worried or anything, I mean…I don't blame you for trying to…you know…I'm okay and everything, and…I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't hold anything against you and we're all glad you're okay…I mean, you are feeling b-better, right?" 163 asked nervously wringing his hands. Two didn't have the energy to pull away when strong arms wrapped around him slowly, tentatively. 

"Glad we found you…" 44 said softly. "No matter what happened, you have no idea how worried we were…and to think we found you both in one place…" He swallowed again, humiliated and ashamed, terrified of what might happen if he lost his control again. "Listen, we were almost out of the forest when we lost 123…there's a town just on the edge, and they're having a festival. Shorah says she'll go in and get us all kinds of good food. That'll be great, huh? You must be so hungry…" His stomach growled dully in reply, but he was too exhausted to think about food. All he could hear was 123, who had finally burst into tears. Shorah held him and tried to hush him, but he would not be quieted.

"I was all alone…I was so scared…! Don't leave me anymore…I don't wanna be left behind anymore! You want me here, right? It's okay with everyone if I'm here, right?!" he cried with halting sobs. Two shuddered as sleep finally began to overtake him. _It's only a matter of time until he tells them what really happened…and I'll deserve it if they leave me while I sleep…_ No matter how much they had shown that they were glad to have him back, he could not make himself truly believe that they loved him—there was simply no reason that they should care.

Author's Note: Sorry so short! You'd think that if I had this long I could hammer out another 20-pager, but alas…my muse is on vacation. I'm not really satisfied with this chapter, but as always reviews and constructive criticism is welcome! I'll try to post more quickly next time. 


	11. Cynical World

Author's Note: Hi everyone! I'm back, after over a year of being abroad and otherwise being a bum. I pondered for a long time how this one should go, and I think I may finally have the answer. I realize this chapter is short by my standards, but I hope it proves decent. FF9 isn't mine, it's Square Enix's, may they turn out great FF titles forever. Enjoy everyone!

"How Fair This Place"

by Bmv no Miko

Chapter Eleven: Cynical World

She sighed as she leaned against the crumbling ledge of the abandonned road out the dark forest. Behind them, it snaked into forbidding blackness, and it seemed almost impossible that any person could come out of that damp prison of misty silence. The people in the village down in the valley were small as ants, but she could tell that there was dancing and singing and probably good food. The music drifted up to her ears, lively and thin and, it seemed, part of a whole different world. Her stomach rumbled, and she did  her best to ignore it. Everyone was too exhausted after dealing with the forest for days on end to even think about food or braving humans. Despite her own weariness, she felt something nagging at her conscience and couldn't sleep. Someone murmured in his sleep, and she didn't have to turn to see it was Two. _Two. He never told me that…but I know I know him. I know he's not just being spiteful now. I really did forget him…_ She threw a rock down the side of the hill, watching it bounce haphazardly without any guidance.  

The memory had tried to come back once, when she was cleaning him up after his return from the Desert Palace. It seemed as though she remembered his face, but at the time dismissed it as déjà vu, or maybe just wanting to help him and wishing he weren't so difficult. But back in the forest, she watched him with a malicious rage in her heart, knowing that he was somehow responsible for 123's weeping, that he was a loose cannon. But then he looked at her, bleary eyed with stray tears, sullen and vulnerable and breaking, and she remembered the expression. She didn't know why, but she remembered him as a child setting rooms on fire for the fun that was in it. Holing up in his room all day long crying his eyes out, a little bundle of shivering red hair and glossy feathers that snapped if she got too near. Silent at the dinner table, covered in bruises that he said he forgot how he aquired. Blood between his legs more than once. _There's no feathers anymore, but I swear it's him…I just wish I could remember the other faces that were there…_ She'd expected to remember One first just because he seemed so familiar, but it wasn't so. _Still, if I remember Two it makes sense that One would be there right along with him, wouldn't it?_ The baby gave a soft kick, and her stomach rumbled again. She felt faint with exhaustion, hunger, and the sad half-memories that had crept up on her unawares. _But…even if I forgot him, why would Two hate me…? Why wouldn't he just remind me? I don't remember doing anything to him…and for that matter, why in the world would I be with Two anyway?_

"How are you holding up?" 44's deep voice asked softly, and she started out of her thoughts. He came slowly to stand beside her, looking down at the festive village.

"Shouldn't you be asleep or something?" she grumbled, half annoyed and half glad for his company. _I have to sort this out. I won't be able to live with myself otherwise…_

"Same goes for you," he mumbled back, leaning against the ledge. She studied his face, or what she could see of it. Even in the darkness it was obvious that he was a little gray, that his eyes were paler than usual. Something about his manner said that he wasn't up for his own health.

"I remember T-…er, I remember Mr. 192 now…a little…I think." 44 nodded as though he'd expected such a thing all along.

"And?" he prompted.

"I don't know," she said tiredly. He gave her an expectant, if weary look, and she sighed.

"I don't know how I feel about him. Everything is so vague. I'm ashamed to say it, but more than anything I feel sorry for him…I can't remember seeing him any other way but miserable and angry. And it's strange…" she stared at her small hands in the moonlight, "but  I have this feeling that I should be taking care of him somehow…that I should be giving him a chance for some reason. I'm having trouble being angry with him now, for anything. I'm too tired to be angry…even if he does know things about me and has never told me. But I guess he has the right, really…I might have done something awful to him and not know it. Forgetting him might be mean enough…" She rubbed her eyes. "I'm babbling…I should go to sleep…" Her stomach rumbled loudly, and unexpected tears of frustration and embarassment came to her eyes. 

"Here." 44 pressed a withered orange something into her hand. She studied it with sudden bemusement.

"A carrot." She must have said it in the wrong tone of voice, because his shoulders sagged a little more and he avoided her eyes.

"It's been in my pocket for a while…" he patted his coat, "so it might not be any good…and maybe you don't like carrots anyway…but I was kind of saving it…dunno why…" he trailed off, fixing his gaze on the village down below. She turned it in her hands for a moment before snapping the end of it into her mouth and edging closer to him.

"Thank you—I'm so hungry. I wasn't expecting anything and it was just kind of funny to get a carrot all of a sudden," she whispered, leaning against him. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

"How long until the baby is born?" he asked softly.

"I don't know…but it's not going to be good for me if I'm on the road when it happens. 3 months, maybe. How's 123?" 44 didn't answer, but gave her a little squeeze. "192 hurt him, didn't he?" She knew that it was true when he didn't answer once again, but instead of rage she felt a kind of draining sadness and tired calm. The land stretching beyond the village suddenly looked unbearably large, and the knowledge that they had a long way to go rested heavily on her heart. _Already things are going wrong…how long can we last like this?_ She took a glance up at his worried, sad, weary expression, and felt herself sink even lower.

"I…I need to know what we can do for you if…if you start to have your baby," he whispered, still not looking at her.

"I'll tell you soon." 

"I'm worried about it. There's so much we left completely unprepared for…I never even thought about…about a lot of problems that might come up. I guess I've never really done anything like this before," he said, flexing his hands. She was surprised to hear such sadness in his voice, even if she knew that he wasn't in a good mood. 

"We'll get through if we can keep each others' spirits up. We have to try not to be depressed about this," she said as much for him as for herself. 

"I know. It's just that…I always knew that I was young, but now I really know it…Oh, listen to me. I got up to see how you were and here I am talking about myself. Let's just go to bed. We'll feel better in the morning, for being rested if nothing else." She was surprised at how quickly his voice changed from weary sadness to sincere warmth. She wanted to ask suddenly if he was okay, but refrained since it might drag him down again. 

"Maybe I'll talk to…to 192 tomorrow about all this," she said over a yawn, heading back to where everyone else was bedded up. They formed a neat line except for the gap between 56 and 123 where Mr. 44 had been. Even though they had laid Mr. 192 with them, he had scooted away in his sleep and was, once again, by himself. Despite everything her heart clenched at the sight. 44 gave her a soft, understanding smile and went back to his place quietly. With only a short pause to pick up her blanket, she went and took her place by Two. The ground was lumpy, and she struggled not to move too much and wake him up. His skin was cold to the touch. _It would have been more comfortable with the others, but…_ Curious and too tired to be afraid, she wrapped an arm around his waist and laid her palm against his back. All she felt was the soft rising and falling of his breath for a moment, but the she came to them. She could feel where his wings used to be even through his coat. He shifted and opened one eye blearily. After a moment's study of her face, he sighed and closed it.

"Go away…" he mumbled, making a halfhearted attempt to pull away from her. 

"No." she murmured. She had a sudden urge to see his face, wondering if that would bring on more memories, but decided against it. Not only was it rude--it was too dark anyway. 

"Stubborn bitch."

"Yeah. I remember you. Your wings are gone." She regretted that she couldn't think of something more intelligent to say. He shuddered.

"So it took something like that back in the woods to make you remember me. Wonderful," he said sarcastically, his voice hitching. "Glad you noticed." 

"You aren't going to tell me anything, are you?"

"No. I'm sorry." She was surprised at how sincere he sounded, how suddenly tired deep in his soul he seemed. 

"That's okay. I don't want to fight with you, Two. We can talk about this tomorrow."

"I go by 192 now." 

"Yeah. Let's go to sleep, okay?"

"Go away."

"No. It's cold. You're always by yourself. It's not right." He sighed and shifted. 

"You know, it might not be safe for you to sleep with me," he said matter-of-factly.

"I'll take my chances," she whispered, snuggling a little closer. He stiffened, then relaxed with another sigh and dropped off to sleep, too tired to argue with her further.

163 awoke with the sun in his eyes and a painful stitch in his side. Slowly, he sat up and stretched carefully, passing his eyes sleepily over his companions. Shorah was the only one awake, similarly sitting up, with one hand resting on 192's back. He met her eyes, and they sat for a long while in silence, just waking up and thinking.  _There's been so many close calls lately…it's lucky that we're all still alive… I wonder if we did make a mistake, traveling in such a big group…_ Suddenly, his stomach rumbled loudly, and he gave her an embarassed, apologetic smile. The sun's position said that it was nearing noon. With a soft smile she rose awkwardly and motioned for him to follow. Curious, he did as she asked, moving quietly so as not to wake anyone. He was surprised when the trees parted to revel a small mountain lake, clear and blue. 

"I could smell the water," she explained quietly, kneeling to wash her face and shivering from the cold. "I'm so hungry I feel sick." He felt about the same, and wondered if he looked as she did, pale and rather drawn. 

"Are you going to go down and get food now?" he asked, wistful despite himself to see the place.

"Come with me?" He blinked, but was still too tired to be overly stunned.

"And how exactly would I manage that? Seems like it might be more trouble than it's worth," he answered, shifting his feet. "You know we aren't welcome." She raised an eyebrow at him as though he were being dense. 

"You just go without your hat." He felt himself blush, and she laughed at his wide eyes. 

"I-it's a little indecent, don't you think?"

"You don't look any different than a human without it, do you? Let me see—I've never had a good look," she said with a bright smile. He swallowed and looked away, his heart suddenly pounding for some reason as he fumbled with the strings of his hat. It came away, and he felt the wind in his hair, a chill in his stomach from not eating in so long. Somewhere along his waist one of those infernal bites itched. Very conscious of his burning cheeks, he cautiously met her eyes. She tilted her head at him, her expression delighted.

"Well, that was easier than I thought it would be…you have pretty green eyes," she complimented gently. He blushed even more at that and was torn between putting his hat back on and letting her look—he was enjoying it, in a strange sort of way.

"E-er…maybe…but these spots take away from it…"

"Freckles? They're cute…you're not bad looking at all." He blinked, and couldn't take it anymore—the hat went back on, and she chuckled. "How are you ever going to go to town, 163?" 

"I wanted to go with my hat on…" he grumbled. She slung the water from her hands as she stood and clicked her tongue at him.

"I'd be more than happy to take you with me, and I know you want to visit, but you can't do it with your hat on and we both know it," she said flatly. He averted his eyes, hurt even though he knew that he shouldn't be. _Why can't they accept us for who we are…? I'll die before that ever happens…_ He started when a cool hand rested against his cheek. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so…so snappy about it. But I would like your company…"

"I'd like to go," he finally said weakly, scratching at his back. She chuckled ruefully and rubbed at one of her own bites. 

"The next thing after food would be some ointment for this…it's driving me mad." He frowned. _If only I'd have remembered to bring more useful stuff with me instead of lots of potions…_ Stiffly but decisively, he reached back up and undid the strings on his hat, taking it off once more. 

"I'll just go put this back on my blanket," he said as nonchalantly as he could manage. Together they went back up the path, and found the others awakening. 56 was still asleep, but 123 was in 44's arms, a shudder occaisionally working through him. _Oh…_ He stopped in his tracks, unsure of what to do. Shorah did the same, and he noticed that she glanced sideways at Mr. 192. _Oh please, don't do anything stupid, don't make it worse than it already is…_ 44 caught his eyes with a meaningful expression. _Maybe we should just get going and let them be alone for a while…_ He and Shorah looked at each other for a moment before she laid a hand on his shoulder and made her way to where Mr. 192 was lying, his back to everyone, awake but not rising. 

Carefully she picked her way over to 192, stolidly schooling her emotions in the wake of 123's tears. _If I'm going to cry, I can do it later where I won't upset anyone…_ Now that she remembered, seeing Two without wings was disturbing. She felt as though she should be able to guess how he lost them, but nothing was forthcoming. She shivered. _You poor creature…_ She came around in front of him and awkwardly knelt down. He stirred and flopped a hand over his eyes. 

"Are you okay?" she whispered, overwhelmed with a strangely familiar urge to shake him, to hold him close and not let go.

"Fine. Just…just peachy," he answered in a cracked voice. 

"You want to come with us to town and get food? You must be hungry."

"You're just trying to get me out of here for a while, so I don't upset people."

"Well, that's part of it, yes," she said tersley, "…but I'm also worried about you. You were gone for so long, and we don't know what happened with you then…" She chanced to reach out and touch his shoulder. "It was so hard, walking on like that knowing we'd left you behind."

"A penny for your conscience," he muttered, then shook his head. "What I mean is, I don't need to be down in that village. But I don't need to be here either. Guess I'll make myself scarce for the greater good." He shrugged off her hand and rose jerkily, sore all over. _You never were one to admit you needed help…you never wanted to be weak, but you're so bitter…for the Light's sake, why won't you let anyone love you?_

"That's not what I—"

"I know it's not. Forgive me for being myself," he said wearily, and stalked off as best as he could down toward the water with his pack. 

He frowned somewhat blearily as he watched them pass by the window again, laughing and with their arms full of food—caramel apples, burgers, hot dogs, colorful taffies, cotton candy, chicken ka-bobs—all the glories of the festival. _Junk food. What are they thinking? All of that stuff will be useless by tomorrow… _At that moment, the thought of just about any food made him feel slightly ill. He brooded and nursed the last of his rum, willing himself not to think about what he'd done, about how much more awkward he had just condemned the rest of their trip to be. _163 looks happy…always been up his alley to go out and visit others, the social bastard._ Still, he couldn't make himself mean it. The truth was that seeing his brother with his hat off and smiling reminded him painfully of  Mr. 32. He ordered another rum and wondered at how he was thinking of his housemate. For a moment he had an overwhelming urge to see him again, and it annoyed him. _Don't know what good I'll do him now in this state anyway._

He could just see the bartender out of the corner of his eye, giving him shrewd, appraising looks. This too annoyed him, and he was annoyed with being annoyed. _I look fine. I look normal._  Two wasn't as shy as Mr. 163, having walked around a good deal around the Desert Palace sans hat and sometimes sans clothing. Going out without his hat wasn't particularly painful, but he hated that he lost his general effect on people. He ran his free hand through his firey hair absently and was suddenly struck by a thought that made his blood run cold. He felt all of the eyes in the room on him, their oily glances sliding over his skin. _Maybe I don't look normal…He always said I was the pretty one…maybe…_ He quickly eyed everyone in the room, and then just as suddenly relaxed and stood to leave, throwing his gil on the counter. _I could kill any one of them in a heartbeat--It's the drink talking; I've had enough for today… _

Two lit a cigarette as he left the pub and inhaled deeply, still somewhat disconcerted. He'd made it a point not to make it a habit, vile as it was, but it soothed his nerves and he liked picking up a few packs whenever he was in a town. Girls were looking at him, giggling in their festival best, and he shuddered, quickening his step. He went and bought food for their journey as efficiently as he could, making sure to get enough dried meat and biscuits to last at least three weeks. Ointment, a tough rope, and soap also made their way into his pack. _Don't know if they bought this stuff, they're so busy eating…_On a whim he bought two tins of hard candies, hoping the humidity wouldn't ruin them. _You can tell they don't travel  often. She should know better, at least…_ He examined a lapis-worked staff with a critical eye and sighed. _But then, she's used to traveling alone, not with black mages who could make her guilty just by association. She was probably thinking she could come back again later._  

After he'd sold his old knife and bought the staff, his money was cleaned out, but he'd bought enough food to last everyone for a while. _I knew there was a reason I'd been saving… _The town was abustle about him with celebration, but he didn't think that he could leave soon enough. Crowds unnerved him, and the racket was unwelcome. _I'll go out through the back…it's closer and quieter… _He found the back gates closed, but he could still scale the wall with the grace of a cat, despite his aches. Thick hedge on the other side blocked his decent from sight, and thus he fell quietly and unseen. Sharp pain worked through his back and he hissed, realizing that he'd tried to use his wings again. He panted for a moment as the severed bones complained, then rough voices came through the hedge and caught his attention. 

"—only three, but there were five this morning…"

"Yer off your rocker if you think we're going after more than one at a time, Silas." His heart beat a little faster as he edged closer and parted the leaves to see the men. He was vaguely surprised at how decent they looked—rather like farmers and husbands than the rough men their voices made them sound. Then he saw the black mage, and ground his teeth with cold outrage. 

The creature's coat was frayed nearly to rags, dirty and unkempt. Two could smell it from where he crouched, the thin stink of fright underlying the odor of one who hadn't bathed in days. He'd smelled it before on others who came into the village, but this was almost worse. A frayed rope circled it's neck, and the other end was tied to a tree branch. It cowered in a rather listless manner, blinking and quiet as one accustomed to fear. 

Two's stomach turned. It was true that he was a Waltz, and there was a part of him that would always consider himself superior to these creatures, these mages that came from his blood, but he no longer had the ability to ignore them. They had cared for him when no one else would despite good or bad treatment, and regardless of the occaisional snide thought he considered them his brothers, most of the time. One of his kind. _I looked the other way when Kuja mistreated them…but now…_He couldn't help but think of 32 back home, of that black hair, soft voice, and hard head. He trembled, wondering what he should do. His every instinct screamed to kill them, kill them for daring this. Yet he fought that impulse with equal violence, fought the Waltz within him that cried for blood. _If I do this, if it's noisy, it'll bring the whole village down on me, and even I won't escape that…and the others…if it endangers the others…!_ Suddenly he realized that he'd been ignoring the conversation and tuned in again. 

"—hire that Red Mage we saw coming in earlier—we could use another one. Red Mages need money too, and the reward's big enough to split. Truth is, Aaron, I'll sleep better at night knowing there's less of'em in the world. Not a day goes past when I don't think of my daughter in those fires at Lindblum…" The man's voice cracked, and he covered his face wearily with one hand. The taller man, Aaron, sighed with both exasperation and sympathy.

"That's all well and good, but yer getting greedy. Here we've been leading this one around on a leash for two weeks now, and you still haven't turned him in. If we ever let up on that Silence spell, we're toast. I say we get rid of him, cut our losses and go home. I say if the Red Mage we have now don't do it, we give up. I've got a wife and kids, Silas."  The shorter man shook his head and shrugged his shoulders like one defeated and didn't answer. Two pulled back and pressed against the wall, perhaps the closest to being horrified for someone else's sake than he'd ever been before in his life. _They're still up there…if I can get to them first, maybe we can come back together and help this one…_ He swallowed convulsively and donned his hat, wondering about this reward that the men had spoken of. _Is this effort to hunt us somehow organized?_ He had no illusions about what the world thought of black mages, but the thought of search parties and money made his stomach hurt. Carefully, with one last apologetic glance spared for the captive mage, he began to move away. 

56 sighed as he plunked stones into the water, frowning in the grayness of the afternoon. His stomach felt like it was biting into his backbone, and he fervently wished that the others would return—not just for the food, but to ease the awkwardness. 123 had calmed down some, but was still talking quietly with Mr. 44. The air about them clearly stated that they wanted some privacy, so with an apologetic glance from 44 he'd left them by the far end of the bank and went to wash up. _It's been getting so cool lately…_ His lack of food and the cold didn't go together well, and he feared that he was getting sick. _Still, glad to see that I can be of some use. At least it's not me crying this time…_ His mind turned to 36, the times that they'd wept together, and he was relieved to find that he could smile despite his general misery. _44 was right…the hurt does fade some with time. But I don't think it makes me miss you any less. _ He stretched with a sigh and wondered about this new turn of emotion.

_Still,maybe it's not so new…_ He realized that something about going to the Desert Palace, about serving on the airship, had changed him. It had been a miserable experience, but all the same for the first time since 36 had gone, he'd felt depended on and needed. For the most part, he hadn't been able to lean on Mr. 44. _He was so upset about piloting that airship, and they kept him so busy…_ It had felt wrong to burden his friend with his problems at the time, especially since it sometimes seemed that even 44 was on the edge of tears. _Maybe it was good for me, in a roundabout way. I can't hope for him to watch over me forever._

He wondered too about how much his friend had taken to Shorah. _I should have been the one to watch over her, to take her in…but he did, and somehow I think that might have been the better choice._ It was no secret to him that 44 was strong in numerous ways, and at times he'd idly watched the birds building their nests and wondered, almost covertly, what it would be like to have a mate. _I'm not sure I understand that sort of love…but sometimes I wonder if 36 was my mate and I just didn't realize it…_ He'd looked at 44 in that light, but somehow found that the loss of Mr. 36 was standing in the way. He flexed his hands idly. _My friend, I don't think I'll live long enough to truly get over your passing…I don't think I'll be able to love anyone again like I did you. I wonder if any of the others ever think like this. I bet Mr. 33 and Mr. 111 do…_  As always, the thought of having a mate made him feel warm in a sleepy, strange sort of way that he didn't understand, and he shivered against the wind. 

Hugging himself to ward off the cold, he rose back to his feet, feeling his bones crack in complaint. _Maybe they're done by now._

Then a number of things happened at once.

 First, he saw 44 come back into view from behind a tree and motion to him from across the river, a little frantically. He had about a split second to wonder before he felt something hard press into his back. In his surprise, he froze, and a hand twisted his right arm around behind his back. For a moment he was frightened, but then found himself eerily calm. He knew without even reaching for his magic that it was blocked—he'd been silenced. So he didn't bother. 

"Be still, mate, and nothing will come of you. I believe you're wanted alive for now." The voice was soft and not particularly rough—likely a young adult human. He nodded, and kept his eyes locked on 44 as he allowed the as yet unseen person to tie his hands behind his back. The action was gentle but firm. 44 looked horrified and angry, but visibly torn. 56 shook his head incrimentally. _You don't have to hurt anyone. You come out here and he'll silence the two of you as well. Go on, leave. It's okay. You don't need to hurt this man…that's not what we do anymore, right? _He wondered at himself, wondered if he were simply so frightened that he'd gone mad, too mad to ask for help. Yet all he could think of was that it was better just him than all of them. And they'd probably come for him. He pondered momentarily about how they'd left Mr. 192 behind, then viciously quelled that line of thought. He tried to give 44 a smile and found it wasn't that hard. That smile was returned by a fierce expression, eyes blazing, as his friend slowly, carefully, resumed his cover. 56 suddenly wondered how ferocious 44 could be.  _They'll come for me._

163 couldn't help but smile as he and Shorah made their way out of town, she happily chattering about this and that aspect of the festival for his benefit. He could not remember the last time food had been so good, and felt he would remember the taste of honey and the smell of cinnamon apples baking for the rest of his life even if he never went to another fair. The flutes happily lilted out their dancing songs, and he blushed as he remembered how much fun it was to dance with her for a short while even if he had tripped over his own feet. Surprisingly, he even enjoyed feeling the wind in his hair and walking about without his hat, after a while. One hand curled around the taffies and honey sticks he'd holed away for his brothers in his pocket. _It's a pity they couldn't come, but it will be a wonderful story…and the humans didn't notice me at all! It might be possible, someday…it just might be…_ His rebellious logic told him that he would die before that happened, but he ignored it for the time being. 

"You know," she said around a bit of honeycomb, "…we probably shouldn't have spent so long in town. I bet the guys are really hungry. You do realize that if they fuss at us we'll have it coming."

"I do. We've brought them treats though, so perhaps we'll be forgiven," he asserted, patting at his coat pockets as they cleared the front gate of the town. "Do you think Mr. 192 already went back? He didn't seem to want us with him…" He trailed off as he realized that she wasn't listening. Puzzled, he looked down at her and saw that she'd gone pale, her expression one of mixed anger and fear. He followed her line of sight and nearly dropped his basket of provisions. A young red mage approached them and then slowly brushed past, leading a tightly bound, stony-faced black mage by a rope.

"56…" he breathed, transfixed to the spot as his friend was led through the gates of the town. The reaction was almost immediate. There were several screams of fright, and the crowd quickly parted for the two mages. Anger soon took the place of terror, however, and it was only moments before rocks, rotten fruits, and other rubbish of the fair were pelted at the prisoner, who seemed to take it stoically. _No…_

"No…" she whispered, echoing his thoughts and slowly moving back toward the gates. He shivered, terrified, angry, and suddenly very cold. He wanted to help, to do something, but his frantic mind was running in circles and all he could think of was the reason he had always avoided villages, what he'd seen that mob do to that one black mage on the other continent…_And this is my friend! I have to be able to do something!_ It felt like a thin scream in his mind, and blindly he stepped forward…

Only to be pulled roughly, along with her, behind the gate faster than he could think. He wanted to cry out, but a large hand viciously covered his mouth.

"Shut up, the both of you!" 192 hissed, his voice full of wrath. For one brief moment, 163 was sure that his surly brother had lost his mind again, that he might hurt them. That thought faded as he saw that the concern and anger in 192's eyes was not directed at them. "What are you thinking?! You can't just walk in there and help him, it doesn't work that way!" His voice cracked as he shoved them to the ground and peered through a crevice in the town wall. His eyes narrowed as he took in the sight, and 163 felt tears leak from his own eyes despite himself as the jeers and shouts grew louder. "We'll do no good this way. I saw where he's going to be taken, and I don't see 44 or 123 with them. This is a good sign, if the only one," he said quickly, his voice steady as he crouched down to their level. Shorah looked as though she wasn't sure whether to murder 192 or hug him. 

"How do you know this?" she whispered, her voice shaking as she rose to a crouch. 192 spat contemptuously into the dust. 

"Because I saw the farmers who hired the red mage. One's carrying a vendetta and maybe he needs money too. Apparently someone is offering a big reward for captured black mages. They've already got another on a leash in a pitiful state, been hauling him around for two weeks." Shorah clamped a hand to her mouth and looked as though she were going to be sick, and 163 wished as well that he hadn't eaten so much. 192's eyes narrowed and he grasped their shoulders. 163 wanted to pull away, but thought better of it. "Will you two pull yourselves together? Can't you see this is good news, that they've been leading the other along? They won't kill 56, at least not right away. At least, if the town doesn't get him first, which may be quite likely," he said in a level voice. Shorah's face contorted into one of fury, and she pulled away from 192 as though stung. 

"You…you terrible creature!" she hissed, standing. "This is your brother, your kin, and you speak of him as though it wouldn't matter to you whether those people tore him limb from limb or not!" 163 felt himself blanch and covered his face as a shudder worked through his back. He felt, rather than saw, 192 rise to his full height.

"What would you have me do?! Walk in there and get us all killed? Kill those people trying to save one black mage?"

"He saved my life!" 

"And you're going to throw it away!" She trembled, pale with anger and fear, as her mouth worked to get out words that wouldn't come. _Please don't do anything stupid, please let's just listen to him, he's smarter than us, better than us, we have to do what he says… _163 gasped and flexed his hands, numbly wondering why he felt suddenly inclined to obey 192 at all costs. _This is strange, too strange…what is going on all of a sudden, what… _His thoughts were disrupted as 192 gripped both his and her hands and started dragging them toward the forest. 

"We don't have time for this. If you're going to be traumatized, please do it later," he said tersely. 163 stumbled, staring at 192's back as he was pulled along. He hardly registered 44 and 123's presences as he came into the safety of the woods. He blinked dazedly, rubbing at wrist, as 192's eyes met his. _I know what you are…_ He felt butterflies in his stomach, a sudden agonizing burst of inclination to obey anything and everything his brother ordered him to do. Harsh commands, pain, dark experiments, and memories of the fiery deaths of others came into sharp relief in his mind. 192 lowered his eyes as though shamed,  then turned and began to roughly address the others. 

_A twisted, manipulated black mage, aware since birth…a Black Waltz…_

_---------------------------------------------_

Author's note: And that's all there is for now! Coming in the next chapter—What's happened to Mr. 56? Plus a big fight and maybe some forgiveness. What characters do you wanna see more of? I might could work it in. Anyway, harassment and/or reviews will remind me that I need to work on this thing. Till next time!


	12. Headlock

Author's note: Hello everyone! Wow, I can't believe sometimes I still get reviews for this. In all seriousness, this has been a ghost in the back of my mind for years. I love the Black Mage Village, and even though it's been…going on eight years since I met the BMs, they still have a special place in my heart. Over the past week I've resolved to finish this once and for all, and have spent an alarming amount of time writing its outline, in detail, down to the very end. This is the only fanfic I've ever written, so I want to end it, do it justice, and do good by all the fantastic people who drop me emails and reviews. Thanks for sticking with me, folks. Hope the format is has changed a bit since last time I posted.

Legal Stuff: Final Fantasy IX is not mine, but I love it anyway.

"How Fair This Place"

by Bmv no Miko

Chapter Twelve: Headlock

44 clenched and unclenched his hands as they stole quietly along behind 192. His movements felt mechanical, like it wasn't really his body moving forward. His mind seemed to be working on several different levels, but he was totally calm. Above himself. And filled with a cold fury such as he had never experienced before in his life. It was hard to place when exactly the mood had come over him…perhaps it started with seeing 56 silently accepting his imprisonment and probable death. Or maybe it was Shorah, crouched down around her big belly and covering her face with white-knuckled hands while 192 quickly gave them details and explained what he thought might be done. _In fact, maybe it started when I found out what happened to 123…what Kuja did to him. Did he do anything to the others? What else am I completely in the dark about?_ It seemed to him suddenly that he was surrounded by so many people who had desperately needed help in the past but hadn't gotten it. _Shorah, 123, 144, possibly 192…where does it end?_ While he had realized before that terrible things had happened and felt some healthy sadness about it, these tragedies now felt more stark, possessed of a life of their own. As though he had let so many unknown opportunities to help others slip through his fingers. _That makes no sense. I'm not thinking right. I'm absolutely out of my mind. I haven't eaten enough, I'm just tired and worn out. _But the part of his mind that was trying to be rational was dwarfed by everything else.

_192_ _was also so…convincing. _He grit his teeth and stared at the back of his tall brother's head. It wasn't that 192 was particularly eloquent or that his plan to get to the other mages' confinement seemed amazing. More like his words were compelling…almost disturbingly so. 44 had a distinct feeling that something at the very center of his instinct had been touched, and not in a good way. _He's stronger than me. That much is certain. Well. I hope I can hold my own if we have to fight when we get there._ He was amazed at how calmly he accepted this notion of fighting when at any other time his natural kindness would have made the notion abhorrent. Shorah bumped into him, and he grasped her arm to steady her, a little more firmly than he meant. _She's getting thin. Too thin._ Their eyes met, and when he saw her wan, pale face and questioning expression, his resolve only deepened. _I'm not leaving this place without 56 and the other one safe. I am going to hold things together and we are going to get out of here alive. All of us. _

Aware that he was still a sizable mage even though he had lost a good deal of weight, he did his best to step gingerly over anything that might snap and give away their position. Before long, the old game trail ended at the back of an abandoned hunting cabin, just as 192 said it would. He rested a hand against the rough wood, cool even through his glove, and they all stared at each other in silence waiting for someone to come up with what to do next. The forest was eerily quiet, and he couldn't hear any noises coming from within to suggest that 56 was inside. _Surely he's there. He has to be._ The two farmers were nowhere to be seen, but everyone save Shorah could sense the red mage guarding the front door. That much at least was certain, and it gave him hope that his friend was alive and well. _But it's also possible that he senses us in turn…we don't have much time._ He was distracted as Shorah motioned toward the front door and pointed at herself.

"I'll see to him. Can you use your magic to make a hole in the back wall?" she whispered, her voice barely audible. He shook his head firmly, not trusting himself to speak. _I can't let you, of all people, take that risk._ 192 seemed to be looking inward.

"I could just kill him," he said after a moment, affecting to be nonchalant. Yet the tension in his shoulders belied his hesitation to go through with it. The others were too strained to catch this, however, and shot him astonished looks.

"It was only a suggestion," he mumbled, straightening his hat and backing out of their tight circle. Despite himself, 44 truly felt for 192's awkwardness and genuine lack of social ability.

"Come now, he didn't mean it," he chided softly. 192 gave him an odd look, and then it was quiet again. 44 desperately wanted to think of something clever to do, but tactics had never been his strong point. _Even so, there's got to be something I can do here. I'm not going to stand around here much longer. If someone doesn't speak up--_ Shorah looked about, raised a hand in the air and motioned them to wait. Then she hugged herself tight and her face took on a pained expression. _Oh no, not now…is the baby…?_He reached out to her in alarm, then paused as tears began to run down her cheeks. Sobbing softly, she gave them a quiet smile. 123 caught his eye, and he could tell that his brother was as bewildered as he was. Before he could register what was going on she had slipped past him and around the side of the cabin. They all froze, save 192 who just covered his face with one hand and groaned. _Why didn't you wait for us to think of something together?! I wanted to protect you, at least!_

"The stupid girl…will she ever stop thinking like a whore?"192 mumbled, inching over to angle his head around the jutting corner logs. Clueless as to what to do, 163 spoke up to break the uncomfortable silence.

"What's a whore?" 192 turned and fixed him with a deadpan look.

"A woman who takes money or favors and pretends to love others, bangs anyone who makes a good offer. A woman of cheap affection. Well, since she's out there we may as well make use of her." Although 44 was usually able to blow off anything 192 said, his skin prickled at the abuse. To his right he could see 123 shrinking in on himself, blinking back tears, and his fury coursed even stronger.

"Now see here, you aren't making things better. She's not…"

"Be silent!" 192 ordered firmly, and the words died in his throat. It wasn't shock or anger…he was incapable of speaking. _What is this?! I'm not silenced, but I can't…_192's expression was strange, a mixture of shame and resignation. "We…we don't have time for this," he went on shakily. "I'll go around to the front and intercept the red mage if necessary. I'm the strongest one here, so it makes the most sense. 163, back me up if you have to. You're the most capable with shielding spells." 163 looked ready to protest, then seemed to think better of it and nodded instead. "As for 44 and 123…I can teleport you inside. Free them as quickly and quietly as you can. You'll have to come out the front door. I won't be able to help you, I imagine." Angry as he was, 44 noted that 192 couldn't look him in the face. _And teleportation…none of us can do that. At least, that I know of…Something is amiss here. _He couldn't bring himself to reply, and neither could 123, so their silence was taken as acquiescence. Within moments of 192's hand being laid on his arm he found himself side by side with 123 in the mouldy darkness. They exchanged dubious, wondering looks, then snapped to the task at hand.

He wanted to call for 56, but found with shock that it was still difficult to speak. _What has he done to me?_

"56, are you here? It's 123," the other mage whispered softly. There was a heavy silence, and 44 almost forgot to breathe as he strained to listen. Then, on the left two luminous eyes appeared, and he thought he might have to sit down from relief.

"I'm here, and in one piece too, although I ache something terrible," 56 answered, his voice surprisingly strong. _Oh thank the Gods…_

"We were so worried…we were so scared that…"123 cried softly, groping to unbind his friend's wrists.

"I'm okay. Really, 123."

"You can't really be okay! I want to see you in the light…and when we get out of here 163 can look at you, and everything will be fine…it will…44…44, these are chains! I can't get them off…what'll we do?!" _He's panicking, and I can't say anything to him…_He was disgusted with his inability to calm his companion, but settled for resting a hand on his back and giving the chains a try for himself. Yet his large fingers fumbled over the kinks, and his general bad mood wasn't helping. Finally, with a vicious twist of his power, he melted one of the links and quickly pulled away the metal before it could burn. Groaning, 56 delicately inched his arms forward, shoulders cracking.

"Ow, ow, ow…"he muttered, shifting about. "I'm afraid to tell you this, but I don't think I'm going to be able to move very fast," he said matter of factly. Overcome with seeing his friend in good spirits, 44 pulled him into a tight hug, which 123 soon joined. _I would never…I would have never been able to live with myself if I watched him get taken and let him die…_ "I…I'm really glad, more than you'll ever know, to see you guys…but give me a minute to stretch out…" 56 whimpered, and they quickly pulled away. Shakily, they all rose to their feet, 56 wincing the whole way. "…There's another one here," he said quietly, once he had sufficiently gained his breath. 44's heart lurched, and he knew it must be the other that 192 had spoken of. Almost on cue, he noticed a pair of dim, half-lidded eyes on the other side of the room, peering at them dully. Antsy, nervous, and eager to be doing something, 123 was at the other's side in no time.

"Hey…there's no ropes or anything on his hands!" he announced with surprise. _Odd…_44 knelt down as well and found that it was so. After some difficulty, he forced himself past the weakening, invisible barrier in his heart that had drained him of words.

"Come on, you're free. Come with us. We'll get you out," he whispered, doing his best to sound reassuring. But the other mage just blinked up at him and made no effort to move. _What the…is he silenced? _But some searching revealed that wasn't so. The power was there, but it was like a fetid, lethargic pool, a well gone sour from neglect.

"Let's go, we have to hurry…" 123 urged, pulling the new one up by his arm. 44 cringed as he helped the other rise and gain his balance, and even 123 took a step back and swallowed. His posture was ungainly, almost bent, and 44 could feel his bones sharply beneath his tattered robes. One of his sleeves was askance where 123 had grasped his arm, and he could just make out a gaping sore in the darkness. _He's starving to death…he didn't even react when 123 grabbed his arm, and it had to have hurt. This one is…_He felt angrier, even more helpless, and the part of him that was feeling dangerously out of touch surged forward. He bit down on his tongue hard, willing it away. _Nothing good will come of this. I have to stay calm for everyone. I have to get them out of here. _He took quick stock of his companions. _56 is sore and won't be able to run very well, but if I can keep him out of the line of fire he should be able to use his powers. This new one…_His stomach turned. _We can't leave him behind. 123 is starting to fall apart…he's not going to be able to take much more of this .He's still not over what happened in the woods…_ His thoughts were broken by a strangled scream, and he was suddenly aware of a muted cacaphony of angered voices. He felt his blood run cold remembering the noise, how he had found 144…and everything in him that was merciful fell away.

---

Two grunted, his breath knocked out of him so suddenly and unexpectedly that he reeled and nearly fell. One moment he had been sneaking up on the red mage, the next he had found himself attacked from a completely unsuspected angle. Subconsciously his hand scrabbled up to his breast, where his fingers closed around the thick wooden shaft of a game-hunting arrow. No stranger to combat situations, he did his best to think clearly and assess his situation, but his mind was blank for trying to breathe. Somewhere through a haze he heard Shorah scream and felt 163's belated shield going up around them. _It's too weak…his concentration is no good…_ As his air came back, slowly and painfully, he took in the approaching mob with disgust and alarm. _How did we not hear them?!_

"I told you they were being kept back here!" one man shouted above the din, waving his bow in the air. Their prey in sight and the first hit theirs, the crowd was clearly encouraged.

"Clean them out! Or it's like as we'll be next to tell stories about our children burning!" cried a stout woman with a wailing baby strapped to her back.

The surprised red mage had pulled Shorah aside, and both she and 163 were too transfixed with horror and surprise to do anything about the ambush. Gagging and struggling for air, he grasped at his own power, but it suddenly seemed wispy and out of his reach. _If I could just teleport, I could…I could end them all…_But somewhere inside himself he didn't want to kill these people, and his emotional tug of war put his power even more infuriatingly out of reach. _Fuck it, I'm still wiped out from that bout in the woods…why did I drink the rum…_ Helplessly he watched as an arrow narrowly missed 163's head. _I've got to do something…this time for sure…I've got to…_ He stumbled forward and grabbed clumsily at an axe-brandishing woodsman running by, but he was laid flat with nothing more than a clout to the side of his head. Stars exploded in his vision as he hit the ground, and he could just barely make out the man looming over him, the mass of people running toward the shed. _This is so ridiculous. I'm so, so damned useless, even now…_ Light gleamed off of the simple blade raised high in the air, and he felt his stomach dropping. His back twinged where his wings once were. _I don't…I don't want to die! _Shocked into action by his own thoughts, he made ready to kick the man's legs out from under him.

Before he could manage it, a loud roar drowned out everything and the air was thick with flying splinters, logs, and an impenetrable fog of dust. Stunned, he did his best to cover his head as he was pelted with falling debris. A log cartwheeled violently just at his feet, and he could only watch as it crashed into a young man with a sickening crunch before that too was obscured by swirling dust. His skin prickled from the aftershock of power in the air, raw and uncontrolled. _What the…who could have…_Though his ears rang from the explosion, he could hear screaming in the background. _The whole village will be upon us soon…there's no way they didn't hear this…_ Awkwardly, evermore aware of the smothering pressure in his chest, he pushed himself up and saw that his gloves were caked with dirt and red blood, his robes splattered with gore. His foot bumped against something, and he realized that it was the man with the axe. _A part of him, rather…_He was surprised by how much his stomach twisted at the sight. _Have I grown soft after all this time…?_

Snarling, he rose to his feet and cast about for the others, his spirit grasping for any energy he could find. 163 he found first, shakily rising to his feet, blank-faced with terror. Wordlessly he yanked his stunned brother near. Concentrating his power, he found the essence of the Torre and thus Shorah. She too was in a state of shock, her fingers like claws on her pale face as she gaped down at the broad woman and her now-silent child. The red mage was nowhere to be seen. _I'm sorry, but you should have known this would happen eventually. You were always foolishly, cruelly optimistic. _He sincerely pitied her as he grabbed her arm and dragged them both toward what was left of the cabin. 44, 123, 56, and the other one stood at the ruined structure's centre, still and wide-eyed. Static electricity still crackled over 44, and his hands worked slowly at his sides. _Never would have placed you to be the one to do this. Pretending to be something you aren't has its consequences, 44. _Two stumbled as dizziness threatened to overwhelm him, but his resolve was stronger. He practically threw Shorah and 163 into the small group, then dragged up every bit of power he had to teleport them away. He could feel the walls of his spell stretching thin without the power in his wings to guide it, his consciousness seeping away, but he held on with every fibre of his being. _I will do something right. For once in my life, I will do something right._

---

_I wish I'd never been captured. I wish none of this would have ever happened… _56 thought to himself wistfully as he threw another stick on the fire and watched it send up crackling sparks into the night. _This atmosphere is no good for us._ It came as something of a surprise to himself that he wasn't so concerned about what had happened to him or his ordeal so much as he was about his brothers and Shorah. A soft moan brought him out of his thoughts, and his sore joints complained as he rose to see to 192 where he lay close to the tent. _Who would have thought all of that would hurt so much more the next day?_ Even so, he knew his state was not near so dire as that of his spirited brother. Frowning, he smoothed back 192's red hair and used a little spell to cool down the compress on his forehead. At first it was odd to see him without his hat and robes, his gold skin paled and hazel eyes clouded with fever, but since it was an emergency there was no other choice. _I hope you can forgive us._ Even so, it felt strange for him to be in such a vulnerable state, his face pained even in sleep. _You're a Waltz…the way you led us into battle, the way you took out your frustrations on us, used us…_Although he had no concrete memories to draw on, he had plenty of half-formed nightmares. _And none of them involved One. Whatever went on, it was you…or the other one._ The thought was discomfiting, to say the least. _It makes a lot more sense now, how you treated 123 back there._ But somehow, he also knew that 192 had changed considerably since leaving Kuja's service. _You gave your best shot to save us. You've been in the village for so long, and your wings are gone…a lot must have happened to you. You're really trying, aren't you?_ Despite whatever horrors lay in the past, 56 felt only tenderness and sympathy for him now. _We almost lost you back there…_

Gently he pulled back the bandages—handily provided by 163—and inspected the scabrous wound. The skin around it was an angry red and hot to the touch. 56 tsked with concern. _If only you'd left it to 163 and not been so stubborn. _When they had all collapsed together in a heap three days earlier in the forest, 192 was pale and clearly almost burned out of his power. But he was on his feet before anyone else, tearing off his robes, his face a frightening rictus of fear, anger, and exhaustion. In one last burst of fury he wrenched the arrow out of his chest, despite 163's half-formed plea for him to wait. Almost immediately after he had passed out cold—the unstopped wound streaming silver blood at an alarming rate. The days following were strained with waiting to see if he would live. Among other concerns.

Delicately, 56 reached out and touched at 192's power to see where it stood, well aware that it was a fairly personal act. _Still low, but not fading. You can pull through this. 163 did a good job on you._ He frowned, remembering how frightened 163 had been while trying to heal him with potions. There was blood everywhere, and their whole party was still stunned by the aftermath of 44's outburst. It had been almost too much for them all to see 192 in such a state, and even worse for 163 since everyone seemed to look to him to do something about it. With shaking hands he had applied as much of the shimmering magic liquid as he dared, but 192 was too weak for the injury to heal completely. As 163 had faintly explained to a weeping Shorah, potions could only do so much. They required a certain amount of life energy to activate, and at the time he had seemed so close to death that 163 risked killing him with overhealing. _If only we had a real white mage…_Every day they used a little more potion on him, but while it healed his wound it drained his ability to recover on his own, and the result was this awful fever. _I think it's infected too…probably we need some kind of help, but I don't think there's much hope for that. You'll have to do this yourself, my friend. But we won't leave you alone. _

Once 192's breathing deepened again into normal sleep, 56 rose and decided to check on everyone else. He eyed the tent dubiously and then the sleeping mages across from the fire before electing to go to 163, who was reading by his own small fire spell on the edge of their makeshift camp. Upon seeing 56, he pushed his glasses up on his nose and wordlessly moved over so that they could both lean back against the rough bark of the pine tree.

"How's he doing?" 163 asked after a moment, resting his chin on his knees.

"He's sleeping peacefully now, I think."

"That's good. How about Shorah?"

"I…haven't looked in on her yet." _44's with her, and it's so hard to face him right now…_163 fixed him with an unreadable stare for a moment, then looked into the fire pensively.

"Someone should say something. Maybe we should all say something together. What happened was awful." He frowned and shivered. "It was awful, and I never wanted to see something like that again…but they would have killed us. You realize that, don't you?" 56 was surprised by how even his brother's voice was, how resigned he sounded. _But then, I've changed a lot myself. I wonder if this is what happens when you go out into the world? I wonder if humans change like this when they leave their homes?_

"I realize it," he acknowledged, "…but I don't have to like it. I know I asked to come on this trip. And I still want to do something. But I didn't ever think I'd feel like this again--not knowing where I am, where to go, or what to do."

"Yeah…always feeling like you might not make it to see another day," 163 whispered, and covered his face. _I wish my heart didn't feel so heavy too…I wish I could say something and make it right. _56 settled for putting his arm around his friend's shoulders. "We're in real trouble this time, aren't we?"163 asked quietly. 56 blinked at the unexpected question.

"I suppose we are," he said ruefully. "There's no denying that." To his surprise, 163 looked up and smiled.

"Well…that's okay, I guess. Even now, I'm better off than I was before I came to the village, because I'm with everyone. And even though such awful things happened…while they thought I was human, I could fit in. If we just took off our hats and changed clothes, we could live among them if it came to it."

"Do you really think it's worth it to give up what you are? Is living with us that bad? You know, 163…I…I don't think we can really mingle with humans. I mean…arrah, I don't know how to explain it, but…" 56 winced and yanked at his hat fretfully. _I don't think I can go back into a human village…maybe…maybe I'm just okay while I have people to take care of…I don't want to think about what they were going to do to me…if I can just go back to the village, I'll never…I don't want to travel anymore…_An unexpected panic rose in his heart, and it was almost smothering. He was jolted out of his thoughts by 163's hand on his arm.

"Are you okay?" he asked, concern in his warm eyes. 56 willed himself into composure. _Now is not the time for this. The others are looking to me. I will hold myself together. I just won't think about it… _

"I'm fine, just thinking too much," he answered with as much spirit as he could muster. 163 looked like he wanted to ask something, but refrained. Instead he continued with his original train of thought, for which 56 was grateful.

"I don't mean to give up what I am. I like living in the village too. But I think it would be wise for some of us to learn things about humans, maybe spend a few days in town observing. I'm a little ashamed to admit it after everything, but I had fun at their festival. And they're frightened of us for good reason. You saw how easy it was for 44 to…" He trailed off at the end, and his gaze went distant for a moment. _Are you having nightmares too? I don't want to think that I ever did anything like that, but…it must be so. I know it was so. I can't deny what I saw when I became aware. _163 looked at his hands and sighed.

"I'm a third-rate black mage, 56. Even you have more strength than me, and you're an A-type. The best I can do is shield others…and I even failed at that." 56 searched for something to say as silver tears spilled down his friend's cheeks. _No one blames you for what happened to 192! _But 163 moved on before he could find the words.

"But if I was gifted with anything, it's my mind. I can read pretty well now. I learn quickly, and every day I find out more and more about how to be a doctor. I can learn about humans. I'm suited for it, 56. I can do something for the village. I've been writing like Shorah taught me after we got back from Kuja's…" Sniffling and wiping away tears as an afterthought, 163 rummaged through his coat and produced a small, worn, green book. "See?" he asked, leaning against 56 and flipping through the pages. 56 sucked in his breath with surprise. _I never knew you had this kind of talent…_The pages were covered front and back with cramped but elegant handwriting, and here and there throughout were very skilled drawings of things ranging from plants to anatomy to the occasional odd-looking machine. "It's not really organized, but maybe when…when I get back to the village, I can sort it all out. I found out what I can do, and maybe it's selfish, but I'm really happy."

"Th-that's good. Yeah, I mean. That's really great. As long as it makes you happy, that's what matters," he said clumsily, fumbling for the right words and aware that he didn't sound very sincere. 163 fixed him with a shrewd, probing look, and he grit his teeth. _No, I don't really understand how this could be important. I can't even read. But maybe the plants are for medicine…or…I just don't get it. What good will it do us to watch humans when we don't have long anyway? _"Um, it must be really nice to be able to write like that. It's something I'll never learn, I fear," 56 said quickly, to mend any possible damage. Finally, his friend looked away with a soft smile.

"That's okay. That's one of the reasons it's good I learned it," he said quietly, returning the journal to his coat pocket and picking up his book. "If you don't mind, I'm gonna read a little more before I go to bed." 56's shoulders sagged a little. _I meant to cheer you up and I think I might have made you feel even more lonely…_

"Well then…I guess I'll leave you to it," he said awkwardly, steeling himself for the painful act of getting up.

"I didn't say I wanted to be alone. I just said I want to read for a while," 163 said pointedly. "You should get some rest…I know you haven't slept much these past few nights. You'll get sick," he admonished gently. 56 was more touched by that kindness than he dared to show. _I can't depend on others right now. Maybe if we can all pretend to be strong, we really will be. And if everyone starts trying to comfort me, I don't think I'll be able to take it…_He rose slowly, joints cracking.

"I'll rest, but first I want to at least look in on 44 and Shorah. Besides that, I think I'll really regret it if I fall asleep sitting up right now," he answered, popping his shoulder to emphasize his point. 163 smiled and chuckled.

"Suit yourself. Just don't stay up too late. You have healing to do as well."

"I know, believe me." Slowly, he made his way back to the campfire and gazed wistfully at his blankets. His eyes burned with weariness, but he knew he would not be able to sleep with a clear conscience if he didn't see how Shorah and 44 were doing. Summoning up his courage with a sigh, he pushed open the flap on the trailworn, shabby brown tent. Almost immediately 44's eyes met his, and it took everything he had not to look away. It didn't help that he was without his hat. _This is your friend…your best friend in the village! Snap out of it, show him you believe in him! _He willed his expression to not betray his inner turmoil, but knew he hadn't managed it when 44 turned away first, pained shame obvious in his eyes. _Oh gods, I'm so sorry, 44…_He desperately wanted to talk with him, comfort him, but Shorah appeared to be asleep and he didn't dare wake her. Out of concern and as a means to distract himself, he took in her pallid contenance and shallow breathing. _She's so weak…it's almost like when I first brought her to the village…_For the first time he realized how foolish it was of her to have wished to make the trip alone. It seemed strange to him that someone so much older could have such poor judgment. _Perhaps this time she was hurt because she was traveling with us, but I'm not so sure she wouldn't have ended up like this eventually…_

"H-how is she?" he asked at length, inwardly cursing how pathetic he sounded. 44 looked at her, but his gaze was distant.

"I guess…I guess she's fine for now. The bleeding has stopped. We'd better…I mean, I'd better…I'm making sure her feet stay up high like before, though," he answered hollowly. 56 eyed the blood-stained blankets at his feet with worry. _I ought to be the one doing this. I should be helping you more than I am…_He sought for something comforting to say.

"She should be okay…she lived through it last time--…"

"She's too small for this, and she's been traveling too hard," 44 broke in abruptly. "And she's gotten…one too many nasty shocks lately, I think." _Oh, 44…_

"I…You know…I don't think she would be happy if she knew you were blaming yourself for this," he whispered, wishing 44 would make eye contact again. _This time, I won't look away from you…_ The bigger mage shook his head a fraction.

"She won't look me in the face either," he answered, then pursed his lips as though that wasn't what he meant to say. 56's hands clenched at his sides, and he felt powerless in the fray of his jumbled emotions. _Say something!_

"44, I—…"

"Don't," he said firmly, his expression hard, black eyes flashing. "I know what I did. There was even a child. I saw that much, and she did too. It'll do no good for us to sit around in a circle trying to convince each other that what I did was okay. It's no good for us to believe that way. I'd rather take responsibility and be done with it. I won't have…I won't have other mages using what I did as an excuse to repeat the same mistake." 56 blinked at the onslaught, surprised by his eloquence. _Are you…are you truly that strong, 44? You don't have to hurt all by yourself…_He wasn't sure why, but a quiet anger began to roil within him and his chest hurt.

"Even if it was a mistake…there's no question that we would have died if we didn't fight back. It's one thing to be okay with getting yourself killed, but can anyone stand by and watch their friends die? Is THAT really okay?" he asked softly, a warning edge to his voice. 44 sucked in a deep breath and his face darkened, eyes piercing, torn between anger and raw pain.

"I was furious and foolish. There was no call for that kind of force," he said tersely, looking away and settling his gaze on Shorah. 56 breathed a sigh of relief at winning the staring match. _I've never seen him like this before…he's not been himself lately, even before…what happened. _

"Maybe not," he acknowledged softly. "We can all agree it was a mistake. But I have to ask you to at least accept our forgiveness. I guess what I'm saying is, even if you're determined to not like yourself, you're in part responsible for saving our lives, and…and we all love you. Maybe I'm not making sense…" He shook his head with frustration, but saw that 44 at least appeared to be receptive. It seemed selfish to tell 44 to move on for the greater good of the group, especially when everyone was disturbed by what had happened. "This is going to take everyone some time…I won't deny that. But don't single yourself out. We'll move on together. We'll support each other. That's what black mages do." 44 inclined his head in acceptance.

"I appreciate that, my friend. But I also need you to know that this…I'm grateful for all of you, but there's a part of this that I have to get over myself. Hopefully you, of all people, have an understanding of what it means to come to terms with something on your own." 56 swallowed, and as quickly as it had boiled up, his anger died away as he stared at the ground. _I…I know. No matter how much you all loved me, it took time…and a lot of distraction and thinking…to feel better about 36. That was something I had to do myself…_It seemed suddenly that what he ought to do became a little clearer. _I can't heal what hurts you, but I can be near you and care about you. Maybe for now, that's enough._ _Is that what you were trying to do for me all along?_ His revelation was interrupted by the rustling sounds of Shorah waking up.

"Nnn…56, is that you?" she asked blearily, rubbing at her eyes with one hand.

"Er…yeah…sorry to wake you up," he apologized sheepishly. _Exactly what I meant not to do…_

"S'okay. Is it morning?"

"No. Well, yes. Maybe. It's past midnight."

"Oh…" She grimaced a little as she shifted her legs over the top of 44's traveling pack. He blinked as he noticed that her robes were open and she was nearly totally exposed. Blushing, he looked away out of respect.

"Sorry, I-I didn't realize…" he mumbled. She made a dismissive sound.

"Pfft. I really don't care at this point." Bemused, he cast a glance at 44 who shrugged and gave a little half-smile. Given this rare chance, he looked over her body in curiosity. Her stomach was round and firm, the skin stretched tighter than ever, and it looked at odds with her thinned legs and face. _I wonder what she would look like if the baby wasn't in there? _Just above her stomach he could see that what were once nearly flat buds had filled out, and something was…_How can I…is it okay to say it? Or maybe it would be rude…but maybe it's important…_

"You're…you're leaking…I think…" he said, scratching his head and looking to 44 for help. Puzzled, 44 frowned and bent over her.

"He's right…" he said, and despite the bizarreness of the situation 56 found it pleasant that 44's rich voice sounded a little more normal. Shorah opened one eye and looked from one to the other.

"What are you on about?" After a moment she followed their stares down to her full breasts. "Ah, this. It's milk. When the baby is born that's how I'll feed her. Or him. It's perfectly natural. I'm afraid it's rather painful right now, though. Sore, like bruises." As though she were curious herself, she passed a thumb over one of her buds and winced. "Yep, it still hurts." 44 tsked.

"Then don't do that if it hurts," he ordered with exasperation. 56 noticed that she didn't look at him.

"So…is it natural too for it to hurt?" he asked, determined not to let a silence grow between them.

"Yeah, it's just one of those things," she grumbled, staring up into the pointed darkness of the tent. He frowned, eying her stomach again and wondering about life.

And there it is. Hopefully the flow isn't too different from the rest of the story. I'm going to update as often as I can, but I gotta be honest, I'm at a hard time right now in my life. But my updates shouldn't be any further than two weeks apart. I've got this thing nailed together. Reviews are more appreciated than you could imagine, especially now. And they encourage me to write and post. Constructive criticism is also appreciated. Thanks again, and I hope you enjoy it!


	13. Primary

Here it is! A little later than I'd planned, but that's real life for you.

Legal Stuff: Final Fantasy IX isn't mine, but I wish it was.

"How Fair This Place"

by Bmv no Miko

Chapter Thirteen: Primary

She winced and rubbed at her legs, willing the prickling to go away. She was more than happy to look after the two sleeping mages while the others were out hunting or doing chores. Yet no matter how she sat, it seemed, her legs fell asleep within minutes. _I guess pregnancy messes with your circulation_. _But these days, walking about doesn't feel much better...we'll never get anywhere at this rate._

A week had passed since the…incident…back at the village. Hunger, fatigue, and the sick dread that she might lose her baby had dominated her awareness at first, but as the days wore on and she stopped bleeding, her heart turned to Two. Although his wounds had closed and he'd woke up several times, he remained fevered and delusional. Once he'd started up in a terror, ranting about someone being in his mind. Between herself and 44, they'd managed to force him back down, and his fit was over as quickly as it was begun.

She shuddered at the thought, reaching down to smooth his hair when he murmured in his sleep. And again, there was that faint hint of…of _something_that just barely brushed against her mind. Not a memory trying to return, but something foreign, a presence about Two that wasn't him. The edge of warning to the sensation was distinct. _This feeling again…it was so strong when he woke up last time…_Swallowing, she willed herself not to be afraid, but the protectiveness that had welled up in her soul for him was tempered with a despairing helplessness. _If this is some kind of magical illness, I can't save him to matter how much I love him. And after all he did to help us…_The fact that they were forced to travel for a day to be nearer to water had done nothing for his condition, and the days were steadily growing colder. The dry air burned at their noses and was sharp with the scent of pine. The smell reminded of her of the new year festival, of being warm at home, surrounded by her family…

"You're gonna be okay. You'll pull through, you'll see," she whispered, tugging lightly at his hair. He shifted a bit and she turned away, her own condolences hollow in her ears. Unable to look at him for fear of weeping, she turned her attention to the mage sleeping peacefully to her left.

_4…you've been through a lot too, haven't you?_ Gently, she reached out and pulled down his collar, running her thumb gently over the number etched in silver. Other than trodding wearily behind them on their one-day trek to the mountain stream, the skinny mage had done naught else but sleep and partake of a bit of supper when night came about. He had yet to say a word. Though they had first attributed it to the severe trauma that 4 had been through, eventually 163 timidly brought up that perhaps 4 wasn't aware. She frowned. _It makes sense to an extent, but he wanders around, and he even disappeared a couple of days ago to take a bath…_Several strands of curly blonde hair escaped 4's hat, and with a sigh she pushed his collar back up against the chill weather. _It doesn't matter either way…_

At first thought of having an unaware mage traveling with them, she was frightened, but it had quickly given way to sadness. _I just don't have it in me anymore to hate or be angry about the way my parents were killed…_Given how many times what she had taken to be obvious and correct had been totally wrong, she was even beginning to wonder about Kuja's role in the whole affair._What could he possibly want so badly to warrant such destruction?_ And she had been frightened, horrified at the scene of 44's outburst, but after a few days' thought she knew without doubt that if he had not acted, the mages would likely have been torn apart before her eyes. The image of the mother laid flat on her belly, her baby's neck at an odd angle, was seared into her mind, and she would see it in her nightmares for the rest of her life…but she couldn't fault 44 for what he had done. _Nothing is simple these days._

The child gave her insides a strong kick, and she grit her teeth against a wave of nausea. To distract herself, she let her attention wander to where 44 sat near the stream, his back to her as he fished. Briefly, she offered a prayer in thanks that Two had managed to buy useful supplies, fishing string and hooks among them, while they were in town. Several trout already flapped weakly on the bank, tied together by a stringer of reedy grass. Despite his success, there was a stiffness to his posture, a fierce strength and intensity that she saw only in fleeting moments back in the village but that now seemed ever present. She fisted a handful of Two's blanket, the guilt rising in her almost palpable. _This was a bad choice…I'm weak, and inexperienced, and I don't know where we're going…_The thought that she might die was not so bad as the realization that her child might not survive, or that the mages would be killed on this fool's errand. _Or stop in these godforsaken mountains, when they could have gone peacefully in the comfort of their homes…and then, 44…_The way he was digging deep within himself to keep his head high, to keep their group calm, was heart-wrenching. _I want to take away this pain, I want everything to be better…but I'm the cause of all this in the first place…_

Two whimpered again in his sleep, and she was seized by sudden anger at her self pity. Snarling, she wiped away half-formed tears. _If we're in this because of me, then I have to be strong too. We can't go back, so we have to move on. There's no two ways about it. I have to do my part to take care of us as well._ It seemed a lack of character to be awed by 44's resilience and not try to emulate it herself. Unsteadily, she rose to her feet, her knees cracking in protest and pine needles sticking to her skin. Brushing them off, she resolved to speak with her silent companion. _He needs to know that I'm here for him too. That I'm not afraid of him._ But as she made her way to his side, the sound of voices, of flutes and tinkling bells, drifted to her on the wind. Confused, she stopped and listened harder, and this time could catch the soft murmur of voices in the distance, the creaking of wagon wheels, the sound of armored chocobo feet against the earth. 44 rose slowly as well, his head cocked toward the south as he quietly lay his makeshift pole down on the bank.

"I thought we were far enough away from the road to make camp," he said in a low voice, one hand tugging at his hat in frustration before he could stop himself. Gently, she threaded her arm through his, wondering if he would allow it. He twitched and gave her a sideways glance, then pulled her tightly to his side. She felt like her legs might give way from relief, but his hard eyes were already looking toward where the road lay hidden in the trees, and she willed herself to follow his lead and think constructively. "The others are out hunting…it would be a bad idea for us to move without letting them know. If we get separated, we'll likely never find each other again in these woods," he mused pensively.

"We probably shouldn't move Two again either…at least, not until he's a little better," she whispered, edging into his warmth despite herself. He sighed, and she briefly wondered if she should have said "192" instead.

"Agreed. Well, if we have to make a stand, I'm capable," he said gravely. She winced at how readily he took the responsibility of fighting for himself.

"Capable of what?" a voice piped up, and she turned to see 163 limping back into camp. Although there was no outward appearance of a wound, both of his legs seemed to have developed a nagging pain after the accident. It didn't seem to set him back any, but all the same it worried her, made the mountains looming ahead of them seem all the more threatening. He seemed pleased with himself, and she noticed for the first time the brace of squirrels dangling over his shoulder.

"Ah, we're actually gonna get to eat tonight!" she congratulated him, before 44 could answer the question and make the situation even more straining than it already was. 163 gave a sheepish smile as he handed them over to her.

"I kind of…overdid it on some of them, I think," he said apologetically. She wrinkled her nose against the smell of singed fur. "Well, lightning seems the quickest and kindest way to do it, you know?"

"Yeah, I know. Here, give me your knife and I'll clean them," she offered, knowing how much he hated killing the creatures, much less doing the dirty afterwork. Without hesitation, he offered it to her, and as always she marveled at the fine quality of Two's work._Smooth hilt, sharp blade, proper curve…_Although she was beginning to remember the Waltz in fits and bursts, she still couldn't recall where he'd learned such skills. 163 moved toward 44 with a helpless noise of distaste as she knelt down to begin. Momentarily, the farmgirl in her was nostalgically distracted, and for once she was grateful for the time of year. The small animals had fattened themselves a good deal in preparing for hibernation, and as such they were much more filling than they would have been otherwise.

Yet the sounds of the approaching wagons were drawing closer, and concern rose in her stronger than it had before. Biting her lip, she set the knife down and wiped her bloodied hands on the ground. Dizziness threatened to overwhelm her again as she closed her eyes to consider their options. _We need help. I need help. I'm sick. This is the second time I've bled like that. If I get too weak to be moved, we'll all be stuck out here. Two isn't doing well either. He needs real medicine, not potions. _It was ironic to her that the prospect of speaking to her fellow humans was so daunting, but it had to be done. _This won't turn out like the village. We'll be more careful. I'll be more careful. Best I went by myself, this time. _Picking herself up gingerly, she made toward the road, carefully easing herself into the prickly holly on the edge of their small encampment. _If I can just get through here a bit, I can see the road, see who I'm up against…_

She stopped short, however, as a firm grip clamped down on her upper left arm.

"Where do you think you're going?" 44 asked levelly. She blinked in surprise.

"I thought I'd get a little closer to the road, and I could talk to them…maybe buy some medicine for Two, depending." 44 closed his eyes and breathed in with a long-suffering expression.

"And what were you going to offer as payment?" he asked pointedly. A thin bolt of anger worked through her, and she jerked away from him.

"I still have the gil we got before, from the monsters. You didn't honestly think I was going to…" She stopped short at the gentle, patient look in his eyes.

"In all truth, I don't know what you're going to do half the time, and it worries me," he admonished quietly. She looked at the scuffed toes of her shoes, suddenly ashamed. "I know, given the way things have gone…lately…that I'm the last one who should say anything about people doing random, unexpected things," he continued. "But you make a habit of this. You get some idea in your head, decide by yourself that it's the best way to go, and follow through. It's good to be able to make decisions on your own, but I need you to think of us, too." Tears stung her eyes, and she hugged herself tightly.

"I'm always thinking of you. Gods, 44. Do you really think I'm that selfish?" She couldn't make herself face him. The thought of being a disappointment, a nuisance, was too much to bear…especially if he was the one pointing it out. She was vaguely aware of 163 in the background, wisely retreating to tend to the sleeping mages. He took another deep breath, and she was forcefully reminded of 288.

"When I said 'think of us', I meant think of how it makes us feel. We're your friends, we love you, we want to support you. Yes, we're younger than you, and we're a hindrance because you can't get the help you so desperately need from your own kind." Anguished, she made to dispute him, but he raised a hand quickly to block her protest. "I know," he said with surprising strength, "that you care for us a good deal. I'm not blaming myself or anyone else for your choice. I'm glad you're with us, glad I met you, no matter what this trip leads to. All I'm saying is, we've been through a lot together, and I want…I want you to tell us…I mean, at least, let me know…if you're thinking of doing something on your own." He swept off his hat, and after a few seconds of turning it in slightly trembling hands, he looked her right in the eyes. She willed herself not to take a step back at the intensity of his expression. "You have no idea how I felt when you left us and went to that red mage alone without a word of warning. You have no idea."

At that she did look away from him, aware of how sharply her nails were digging into her skin. The muffled trundling sound of wagon wheels on the stream bridge behind her seemed surreal, and she sensed him putting his hat back on slowly. _Come on, reach out to him, do something! _Yet shame weighed heavy in her and she felt rooted to the spot, painfully aware of the smothering silence between them. Somewhere along the way it was as though everyone had done some serious growing up, and it was suddenly clear to her that 44's emotional wisdom had outpaced hers long ago. _I can't say they remind me of children anymore…_The realization made her sad, all the more so for being partially her fault.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, unable to face him, aware that it was a poor response. Seizing on her courage, she made an effort to continue. "I've made…a lot of bad decisions. But this isn't about me. I didn't mean to hurt you, not after all you've done for me. It's just…it's no excuse, but…my thoughts are so…scattered right now. I always thought, when I was living on the farm, that my future was clear. I could see how my life would go, all the way to being an old grandmother and dying in my bed. But now, I…I don't see anything anymore…and it frightens me. Like my future isn't something I can control, like I'm being…manipulated…by this empty feeling inside, and I want to do something for myself…" She broke off, running a hand through her tangled hair, baffled by her own words. It was as though her own worries were clear to her at the first time. _I'm not sure that my life is my own…_At the same time, it struck her as selfish to speak like this to a friend that she had led spans away from his home to light only knew where, most likely to die. A tentative hand rested on her shoulder, and once again she realized how much bigger he was than her, how overwhelming the warmth of his kind was in her soul.

"We all feel like that right now, which is all the more reason for us to pull together. You seem to have a destination at heart, yes? Even if you don't know where it is?" She nodded, finally moving forward to lean into him, breathing deeply. _I don't know how he can still smell like baking bread after all this time._ The idea that there was something certain, no matter how shrouded in mystery, was a comfort to her. His arms wrapped loosely around her, one hand rubbing up and down her aching back, and despite the dire circumstances of their situation, she felt safe. "Then we have a goal. Sometimes if you just aim for something small and concentrate on that, it's enough to make life livable. We've all had to think about that lately, one way or the other," he murmured into her hair. She sighed. _It's simple, but it makes so much sense. _

"44? I love you so much. No matter what happens, I love you," she whispered, pressing a kiss against his shoulder, praying that he understood what she meant. He stilled for a moment before pulling her closer.

"I know. Thank you," he answered, the delighted, relieved edge to his deep voice bringing a smile to her lips. Somewhere along the line, it seemed his emotions, as well as those of his people, had become her own. _They aren't just my friends anymore…we're all family now. _With a pang, she thought of One, left behind and unhappy, and how the instinct she felt for him was so like the one she felt for her unborn child. A new resolve formed in her, something fierce and determined that blocked out all other uncertainties. Her fingers dropped down, unbidden, to touch the pouch at her waist where she kept his bell. _I have to go back home to him. He's waiting for me. I have to live through this so I can look after him like I couldn't before._ Somewhere in the back of her heart, she knew she had failed him in the past, and it could not be allowed to happen again.There was only one other end that needed tying up.

"Sooner or later, I'm gonna have this baby. When I do, will you help me raise her? For as long as you can?" she requested, finally looking up into his smiling, luminous eyes. Tired, thinned out, pale, travel-worn though he was, he was beautiful. The simple honesty in all of his expressions, actions, and words was both comforting and worthy of respect. His capacity for kindness seemed limitless, his ability to heal the pain in the hearts of those around him, paramount. She could think of no better role model for her child. He tilted his head with a grin, raising a hand to softly cup her face. She felt herself smiling stupidly as she realized that it was the first time she was the subject of such tenderness.

"I'd be happy to help, as long as you don't mind that the child will be fat. Because when I return to the village, I'm likely to never leave my kitchen again. I'm going to cook like there's no tomorrow, and there is nothing you or One can do about it," he announced. She giggled, the prospect of being plump and happy incredibly appealing.

"Duly noted," she laughed, raising her hand to his face as well, reveling in the difference between the softness of his skin and his solidity against her. An urge rose in her, fey and careless, to remove his hat herself and kiss him. Yet even as she was considering it, his gaze moved away from her face to the forest behind her, toward the noise and the road.

"Do you really think they'll help you?" he mused, his expression both thoughtful and hardened. She fought down her disappointment at the broken mood. _Well…I don't know that kissing ever even crosses his mind…maybe they don't do that…guess there's still lots of cultural and experience differences, _she thought ruefully. With a sigh, she pulled away from him.

"Depends on who it is. Let me get up closer and see who they are?" she asked. It seemed important to prove that she would be more considerate about her actions in the future. He frowned, clearly torn, but finally gave a grudging nod.

"Just far enough to see who it is, okay?"

"Okay, be right back!" she promised, then with as much haste as she could muster worked her way through the underbrush. _Lucky for me this is a long wagon train, or they'd be gone by now what with all of this stalling. _She winced as a branch snapped against her cheek, drawing blood, but pressed on until the road was visible. Warily, she took in the dappled light of sunset falling on garishly painted wagons. Dark-skinned children ran alongside them, rolling finely crafted wooden hoops in some kind of game and scolding the speckled mutts that barked playfully at their antics. A young man with a wealth of gold hoops in his ears played a merry nonsense tune on a recorder, the source of the music she'd heard earlier. Down the way, she could hear a woman calling to her husband with a deep voice, dialect lilting. Her heart leapt, and she thanked the gods for small good fortunes. _Gadabouts!_

44 made an effort not to fidget on the rough hewn bench of the herbalist wagon's interior. He had never been among humans before so openly, never been before so many without his hat, and it was having a taxing effect on his nerves, to say the least. _But it should be okay though…Shorah says they're happy as long as they get paid, and I look like their kind, so if I can just act confident…_Indeed, the majority of these 'Gadabout' people had black eyes and dark skin as he did, and many of them seemed well-fed. Everyone was possessed of shining, smooth black hair like his own, more often than not pulled up in an array of brightly colored cloth and gold ornaments. Laughter echoed down the stopped train as families built fires to prepare dinner. There was an atmosphere of peace with life about the place, and while it comforted him that Shorah was likely in safe hands, he couldn't keep from seeing the potential for destruction. _It would be so easy for me…for any of us…to tear all of their happiness apart._ Shuddering, grateful that no one was watching him, he tried to push down his morbid thoughts and concentrate on what was happening in the front of the wagon.

It was a bit difficult though, as there was not much space and the woman seeing to Shorah was possessed of a large backside. She had jovially introduced herself as Leira, the chief Gadabout healer, and her firm stance and shrewd eye commanded immediate respect despite her smiles. The way her eyes swept over the pair of them on first sight, he could tell that something did not meet her approval. When Shorah made her request for an examination and introduced him as her husband, the healer had given him an unreadable expression. He was already bemused and thrown off-kilter by being so casually referred to as Shorah's mate, and Leira's weighted gaze did not help matters any. _She's kind enough to Shorah, but I don't think she likes me…does she sense I'm not human? _He shook his head to clear his thoughts._Calm down, 44. It can't be…there must be something else wrong._After some fussing, pulling her long hair up into a loose bun, and getting situated, the healer knelt to the floor. Shorah gave him an amused look from where she half-reclined against the driver's cab, her robes hiked up above her rounded belly. Leira clicked her tongue, gripped the smaller girl's pale hips with large, calloused hands, and pulled her down lower.

"Come on girl, spread your legs, you're bound to be used to this by now." She looked like she was anything but used to being naked and manhandled by a woman three times her size, and he thought for a moment to interfere, but decided against it. _ I guess I'll know if things really go wrong…_He wasn't sure what he'd do in her situation, and felt inclined to apologize to her later even if her discomfort wasn't his fault.

"By the gods, you're a starving little match wastrel. What possessed you to travel at this time of the year? And in these mountains, on foot! You should be at home plucking goose down for the child's bed by now," she said with stern disapproval. Clearly she had little concern for holding back her opinion, even for paying customers.

"I…we…we're actually looking for a place to settle down again," Shorah contested weakly as she was prodded at. _I suppose we should have thought up some excuse for being out here. _He fretted with his belt since his hat was absent, again thankful that no one was looking at him. To his relief, Leira formed her own conclusion.

"Aye, the world's a frightening place these days. Cities burned to the ground overnight, monsters appearing out of nowhere, an evil mist lying over the land. Makes one glad to be a traveler without roots in a town. You've lost your home, then?" It was more a statement than a question, as though she couldn't fathom any other reason they'd be journeying.

"Yes. Neither my hometown nor my family survived this war. If I weren't pregnant we would have made do at home for the winter, but our farms have been razed and there's no source of supplies…I want my child to have a chance." Shorah winced at whatever poking was going on beneath her waist, but answered steadily. _Perhaps because it's only half a lie._ He was glad that she could speak of it now without tears, but it still saddened him that she was forced to overcome so much.

"Well, you'll find naught beyond these mountains but an unforgiving desert, and painfully cold at this time of the year. Ill tidings, that place, and there is word of strange goings-on there. I advise you to turn about," she answered, reaching above her to pluck a dried, leafy herb from the rafters. Shorah's stricken expression matched his own feelings. _Nothing but desert? And that is where we must go? _The thought of crossing the mountain range in their condition was bad enough, but with no hope of relief on the other side, he knew it would be too much to bear for certain members of their party. He could tell she realized this as well.

"Turn about…where?" she asked faintly.

"Most of the villages we've been to are overrun with refugees from the south these days, and the local militias are forced to turn people away. Their misfortune is good for our business, if you'll pardon me saying it," Leira mused around chewing the herb into a mash. "In your case, I'd consider leaving this continent altogether. As fortune would have it, there's a small port just north of here, beyond Qu's Marsh. From there you can sail to the northwest island. Mind you, there's no proper cities there, but there are plenty of villages that hung on even after Madain Sari fell. Most are too spent to venture that far north for a new home, and I'd strongly advise against much more walking in your state. This child is less than a month away from birth. Perhaps two weeks, three if you truly hold her in." His heart felt like it had leapt into his throat, and he couldn't bear to look her way for fear that she'd see the utter shock and dismay on his face. _I thought she said there was time?! There was supposed to be at least a couple months…we have no way of providing for a baby, or helping her if she has to give birth! _Closing his eyes, he willed himself not to panic.

"Two weeks?!" she shrieked, as though it had taken a moment for her to process the grim truth. Surprised, he turned to face to her, attempting to school his face into something a little more calm. Leira tsked as she rubbed the pulped herbs between her charge's legs. He wanted to stand up, go hold her hand, do something to spare her from any further shock or humiliation. But again, there was no room. He drummed his fingers against the bench, anxious to get away from the strong rosemary smell of the wagon, out into fresh air where he could think.

"Is it such a surprise? Surely you could place when the child was conceived, if you counted back?" _Conceived? It sounds like trouble…_44 was grateful that she didn't seem to expect an answer, but the set of her shoulders stiffened, and he knew that she disapproved. "Well, by some miracle, the baby is healthy. You are infected somewhat, but I'll give you these herbs and that should fight it. Just chew them up and apply it like I did, and it shouldn't be a problem. And you need to eat more. There's no excuse for not eating, especially now when everything is fattening up for hibernation. Malnutrition has ill effects on an unborn child," she directed, tying up the medicine in a worn leather pouch. Her voice carried a sharp edge of concern, and for a brief moment she met his eyes with a crackling expression. He blinked, confused, and wondered exactly what was going on that had the healer so perturbed, aside from the fact that Shorah was poorly informed about her pregnancy._And too skinny…_Leira seemed to consider the conversation finished, and rose to her feet with a grunt. She swung aside the purple velvet curtain to the front of the wagon and called in a booming voice for tea. At her feet, Shorah pulled her robes down slowly, eyes wide as she grappled with the news. Finally, she gave him a weak smile.

"Well, the baby's healthy, at least," she said, her voice an octave higher than usual.

"Healthy she is, but it's important for you to keep yourself up as well," Leira boomed. "Most young mothers don't realize how important the last couple of weeks are," she continued in a softer voice, pressing an earthenware cup of steaming tea into Shorah's hands. It gave off a strong, strangely pleasant aroma, reminiscent of a smokehouse. "You just drink this, and I'll have a word with your husband outside for a mite." He froze, but quickly stifled his panic when he saw how worried Shorah was. _It'll be okay. I'll make this work. Somehow. _At Leira's motion, he slowly rose and made his way out the back of the wagon. The cool air was refreshing and gave him courage. _I think I can face her better if we're out here. _He heard Shorah say something in a thin, protesting tone, but Leira would not have it. "There are things a man should know," she answered firmly, before joining him outside. He sucked in a deep breath, mentally preparing himself for whatever might be coming. She made a curt motion for him to follow, and so he trailed behind her to the edge of the woods, anxious despite himself. She rounded on him slowly with an air of gravity and looked him straight in the eye.

"It is passing shameful when a man does not have the decency to keep his mind out of his trousers long enough for his beloved to come of marriageable age," she said sharply, poking a finger into his chest. Instinctively, he stepped back, bewildered. _Does she think_I _did something to Shorah?_ He had no time to respond as she continued. "Our people are no strangers to passion, but even children who fall in love know to wait. For the safety of the girl, if nothing else. When a grown man has no respect for the health of a girl-child and burdens her with his foolish desire, that is a true shortcoming in character, as it were." He held his hands up in what he hoped was a placating gesture and didn't bother trying to hide his confusion.

"I don't know what you mean. I haven't done anything to Shorah," he protested. Leira's eyes widened.

"You mean to tell me that child is not yours?" she asked, clearly feeling that he was trying to insult her intelligence. He shook his head. _So that's what this is about…_ He stood his ground as she advanced closer, staring him down. _That's not…I suppose that's not entirely the truth anymore…Gods, I wish I knew more about all of this…_

"I…I'm not the father, if that's what you mean. She was already pregnant when I met her," he explained, praying that he was coming off as honest. "Although, I love her very much," he amended in a quieter tone. "And she asked me to help her raise the baby after she's born. I really want to, and I'm going to try, even though I don't know the first thing about babies." Something in his tone caused Leira to back off, for which he was grateful._Better to tell the truth, as best I can…I'm a poor liar, and I think she'll see right through me._ And overall, lying, especially about something so important, just didn't sit well with him. The large woman gave a sigh, but suspicion still laced her ruddy features.

"She is badly scarred, so young. The girl is hardy, but she has been ill-used. For a long time, I'd say." 44 studied the ground, a sick feeling turning in his gut. He wasn't aware of what kind of "ill-used" the medic meant, but he could think of enough examples on his own. His hands balled into fists as he thought of the scars on her back, the way she'd allowed that drunk peddler to hurt her for the promise of a few gil and acted like it was an acceptable trade. The sadness of not being able to spare those dear to him from pain rose in him like a living thing. He then looked her in the face, uncaring if everything he felt in the world was wide open to this stranger, as long as she could offer the help that he could not.

"Yes. I know," he answered, his voice laced with such misery that her features slowly softened into gentle sympathy. She studied him for a moment, pursing her lips. He didn't allow himself to look away, didn't want to show weakness to her. Sadness, perhaps, but not weakness. _I will protect what's mine, no matter what. _For some time, he was vaguely surprised to realize, the human girl had held first priority in his heart. The fact that someone from the outside world had seen the worst of him, the ugly truth of his capabilities, and forgiven him…he was beyond grateful. _Not just forgiven, loved even. And asked to become part of a family. I can't let myself fail her now. _

"I'm sorry. Perhaps I've misjudged you," she said after a lengthy silence. "You must understand, in our travels we brush up against the underworld quite often, and I've seen too many cases like your wife's for my lifetime." She raised a finger to her lips and looked inward for a bit before continuing. "She can bear the child—her hips are wide enough. But her health is suffering. She must eat. I can see that you were larger than you are now from the way your clothes hang, and from her frame she was never well-fed to begin with. If you are having trouble coming by food now, you will find yourself ill-prepared in a few weeks time when the small game goes into hibernation. What are your plans?" she asked pensively. He put his hands on his hips and thought hard, casting for some possible way to explain their situation without giving too much away. He found it easier to think now that he had her approval, but he suspected that he would lose it all over again if he said that he was the one following Shorah's directions.

"Given what you've told us…I…suppose we'll have to take the boat to the north." It was a lie, but there was no way he could say that they had to brave the mountains. _In truth, I'm not sure we're capable of doing that, no matter what Shorah wants. We may have to stop…_The thought of waiting out the freezing winter in the nearly untamed range did not appeal to him. Leira tapped at her lips in a thoughtful gesture.

"That is the wisest choice. But if this is your plan, it were better to wait until after the child is born to travel. Our people retreat to the depths of these mountains every winter to rest after our year of travel. The hunting is good, and we do not go without. You look a stout type, and seem unlike to shirk proper responsibility. If you're willing to work, we can take the two of you in until the child is born and the winter passes," she offered. His heart leapt with hope, yet in the next moment he realized that it would be impossible. _We're all too dangerous to stay here. If nothing else, we get violent in our sleep. Two is…he can be unstable, and there's no way 123 will take off his hat in front of so many people. And what would we do with 4?_ For him and Shorah to abandon the rest of the party was out of the question.The only viable option seemed to be to let her remain behind. _But they want me to work as payment for it. I know I can't stay here, and even if they said it was okay, how could we leave her here alone? What would we do? And she'd never stand for it. _Although he was warmed by the healer's kindness, he knew it could never work. _And it's because she's traveling with us. _The knowledge that they were keeping her from the help she needed by simply being what they were was sometimes too painful to bear. He looked to the sky, trying to find solace in the oncoming night. _Somehow, I will make this up to her._

"I appreciate your offer—it's much more than we ever expected. But the truth is…" Here he weighed carefully what to say. _I can't put us in any more danger than we already face. _"…We aren't traveling alone," he admitted. At her astonished look, he quickly moved to explain. "There's actually a group of us, deeper in the forest. Those of us who had to leave. Because of the village being destroyed, I mean. There's…one of us who is badly hurt, and so we can't travel so easily. And they're looking to me to make things right. I can't leave them behind, and Shorah won't have it either. We've become family, of a sort. And we're far too many to join your camp." He did his best to sound convincing. _A more patchy excuse than I would have hoped for, but it's the best I can do. _He wished fervently that he had Two's head for strategy, or even 163's smarts.

"And among this train of yours, is there no woman to properly aid in her childbirth?" she asked pointedly. He winced.

"Unfortunately, there isn't. She's young and small, and I confess the lot of us are worried. We don't know a thing about…babies." He had barely stopped himself from saying '_human_ babies'. Leira frowned, but thankfully did not ask how it came to be that there were no women. Even to himself, his explanation sounded shifty. "And…we took her into the village, and came to love her, but many of her customs are strange to us, and even I have trouble approaching the subject with her. To tell the truth." The healer smirked, as though his ignorance could not be helped.

"Typical. Then if you will not stay with us, I suggest you allow me to at least tell you how it's done. A birthing wagon is no place for a man, but these are fell times. My husband delivered one of my own—it can be done. And if you need medicine for your hurt friend, I'm sure we can manage that as well. But I still must warn you—she does not need strenuous journeying for much longer, especially if she is improperly fed." Sighing, he ran a hand through his own hair, much as he'd seen Shorah do when she was frustrated. _We'll have to buy medicine for him and hope for the best. And there are many children in the world. Surely childbirth can't be such a bad thing. _

Even so, he was surprised when she launched without warning into a detailed explanation of what would happen, what he should watch for, what should be done with the child just after it was born. She was patient with him and let him ask questions, but on the whole it sounded like a straightforward event—in which about a thousand things could go wrong. As much as he tried to commit everything to memory, he knew that he was already forgetting things. _I wish 163 were here too. He'd know what to do…he could even take notes. If we get out of this, I'll get Shorah to teach me how to really read and write._ He decided to give the information to everyone else as soon as they gathered for dinner, perhaps without so much detail about fluid and blood. It was almost enough to make him lose his appetite. _Between all of us, someone is bound to be able to do a good job of this. _

4 looked up from his spot by the fire as the absent two returned, supplies and rations in hand. It didn't mean so much to him. There were times when he was hungry, and times when he wasn't, and these were facts of life. He was aware of her eyes meeting his for a moment, but it seemed of little consequence. When she moved out of his field of vision, there was the darkness beyond the trees, the faint sounds of the humans on the road. It was neither good nor bad, only there, a resonance around him. His attention zeroed in on his companions' conversation, more because it was loud and near than because it held any interest.

"I want to go north, to Qu's Marsh, and take a boat there," she said, her voice tenuous. Some faint burst of instinct flared at the place name, but quickly faded. Other voices raised, questioning.

"Why now, when we're in the mountains like this?" asked the one with the flute, fretfully.

"Is that where the Torre says to go? Were we wrong until now?" the one with glasses asked, trepidation in his voice. Again, vaguely, a thought surfaced. _He thinks we've wasted time. _ The idea of time was confusing to him. They walked somewhere, they waited for the hurt one to get better, but they still _were._

"Shorah thinks we can go around the mountain range if we pay enough to a ship captain. Get him to drop us off on the coast. The humans showed us a map," the large one with the smooth voice explained. 4 twitched at the thought of humans, remembering pain and that it was not pleasant. But if that was the way they must go, what would be would be.

"Doesn't that mean we'll have to go among humans again? To take a boat, I mean?" the one who had been captured asked tentatively.

"It may. But surely we can work something out on the way?" she asked, sounding fearful. He also had trouble truly understanding fear, especially now that he was in a fairly stable position. What had happened before seemed distant at best, and it didn't linger in his mind.

The sound of sloshing liquid caught his attention, the sensation of the sound a surprise that sent ripples through his consciousness. He turned in time to see the big one tip the contents of a small bottle into the hurt one's mouth. The hurt one choked on it for a moment, then swallowed without complaint.

"I…I wasn't looking forward to going through these mountains. I don't think we'd all make it out. But I'm not sure I can face a human town, either…"the one with the flute admitted, fright evident in his tremulous voice. _A different kind of fear_, 4 mused to himself. He was just barely aware of something in him adjusting to having thoughts, even though he was unsure of their meanings..

"Shorah's going to have her baby in a couple of weeks," the big one said softly, and the resulting commotion was almost enough to make 4 cover his ears. The presence of so many emotions at once was jarring.

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Sorry it took a little longer than expected to get out. Real Life is hitting me in a big way right now, alas. I'm not entirely happy with this chapter, especially since Shorah and 44's POVs were so long, but I felt it was time to put it out. Let me know what you think—reviews are really appreciated! They are my fuel


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